Ask Me Help Desk - Thinking of giving up rights on my kids.

I am considering giving up my rights on my 3 older children from a previous marriage. My new and wife and I have had custody of them for the past 6 years, but my ex-wife has such power and control over them that it has caused huge problems between my wife and I and my children and I. My ex-wife is their best buddy not their parent. My ex-wife has a new common law husband about every 3 months and is a habitual liar. My children are 12 male, 10 female and 7 female. My 10 year old has followed in her mother's footsteps as far as the habitual liar part. They have caused so many problems between my wife and I that we are currently separated and on the verge of a divorce. My current wife and I also have 2 small babies that are caught up in this. My exwife harassed us all time with phone calls and text messages but I live in the state of Kansas where a woman can do no wrong. I have tried multiple lawyers and spent 10's of thousands of dollars on retaining custody of my children, but between them and my exwife I may lose the most important woman in my life. I love all my children dearly and I don't want to lose but I am lost. By the way all the children as well as myself and my have been in counseling for about 1 year. What do I do? Please help?

In what way do you think giving up your rights would fix your problems?
I think it could possibly create problems for your daughter that us following in your ex's footsteps because in her mind it just could validate and justify her ideas that her mother has planted in her mind.

I am honestly on thinking of getting my wife back and 2 babies back. I know for a fact it will cause more problems for my other 3 children to be raise by a whitetrash whore, but right now my in pieces and I don't know what to do. My daughter tells the counselor 1 thing and immediately goes back to regular ways. We have tried grounding, extra chores, we have taken away all of her belongings and made her earn them back. We have stood her in the corner, take out of any sport activities, girl scouts or anything else that would be fun and she just says the mom said she doesn't have to do what stepmom says, which in turn causes huge problems. This has gone on for 6 years and I am exhausted. It's not something I want to do but I have to save my marriage.

I think what you want to do is give up custody. Not necessarily your rights?

A blended family that gets along well is a rare thing. It takes a lot of work. Obviously you know that.

I wish I could tell you what to do, but you are in an almost impossible situation.

What does your wife say to you about this? What does SHE want you to do?

You cannot give up your rights, The courts will not allow it. So forget that idea.

You can cede custody to your ex wife, but frankly I think its shameful of you to plan on putting them in such a situation as you describe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NowWhat

I think what you want to do is give up custody. Not necessarily your rights?

Giving up custody would most likely result in giving up his rights. But he would not be able to anyway.
Joint custody is he has to be informed what is going on with the kid(s) and he helps in the decisions.
Visitation is his getting them for weekends or whatever his court order would say.

Exactly where do you think your kids would go if you don't want them and you don't think your ex is a good parent? Would you give them over to her anyway?
You can not just turn your kids over to Child service because you do not want them any more.

No matter what you should never give up on your kids but then again you have two other kids you are looking at possibly losing have you ever thought that you got custidy of your 3 older kids for a reason so instead of giving up on your kids or getting a divorce with this wife take your ex-wife to court and strip her rights away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinkus

I am considering giving up my rights on my 3 older children from a previous marriage. My new and wife and I have had custody of them for the past 6 years, but my ex-wife has such power and control over them that it has caused huge problems between my wife and I and my children and I. My ex-wife is their best buddy not their parent. My ex-wife has a new common law husband about every 3 months and is a habitual liar. My children are 12 male, 10 female and 7 female. My 10 year old has followed in her mother's footsteps as far as the habitual liar part. They have caused so many problems between my wife and I that we are currently separated and on the verge of a divorce. My current wife and I also have 2 small babies that are caught up in this. My exwife harrasses us all time with phone calls and text messages but I live in the state of kansas where a woman can do no wrong. I have tried multiple lawyers and spent 10's of thousands of dollars on retaining custody of my children, but between them and my exwife I may lose the most important woman in my life. I love all my children dearly and I dont want to lose but I am lost. By the way all the children as well as myself and my have been in counseling for about 1 year. What do I do? Please help?

At a certain point you have to ask yourself "is it better to cut the baby in half or give up the baby" yes, that goes back to the bible, may sound harsh but it is true. I have a similar sitiutation and my son who is now 15 sees his father as doing no wrong. My son caused such conflict in my home it wasn't funny. I had to for my own peace of mind and for my daughter's as well agree to give up domicallry custody. I have and decision still weighs heavy yon my heart. This I will say, I still see my son on weekends and I can now be the "cool" parent. My ex-husband is now faced with rasing a teen ager full time and now he gets to be the heavy. The only question I would ask if you agree to this finacally you may be responsible for paying child support. Maybe you could agree to let the 10 year old live with her mom? One thing that you could do is go to court and have the court do an assement of everyone involved and maybe through that you could get some peace. Above all journal, write EVERYTHING down and when and if you have an evaluation give that information to the court and/or your attny. I know in my court agreement, my ex and I are only allowed to communicate through email, no phone or face to face. Good luck.

Photomom MY point was that if anything ever happened to the mother then WHERE do you think the kids would go? The dad wouldn't be able to take them if he gave up his rights. They would go to Children's services unless their mothers mother or sibling took them in.

I was suggesting he can let go of visitations without giving up rights.
I was agreeing with NowWhat

Quote:

Originally Posted by PhotoMom

I had to for my own peace of mind and for my daughter's as well agree to give up domicallry custody.

There is a very large difference between letting the other parent have primary custody and giving up parental rights.

Sort the wives out... those kids are your responsibility

You cannot just walk away...

I wonder if you could retain custody and get a third party to control the meetings for exchanging visitation. Maybe involve the courts in preventing your ex from calling your home or texting you... have all communication go through a third party. When the children come home from visiting their mother, have a standing rule that the mother is not discussed or mentioned in any type of conversation, either by you or them. You must prevent your opinion of your ex from being relayed to your children. You must either have a positive attitude or no opinion at all as far as they know. Let your children know that their mother has rules in her home and you have rules in your home. They are to follow those rules as long as they are under your roof, and that includes listening to their step mother, no negotiation. And I would tell them that they are right, their step mother can't tell them what to do- as long as they are at their mother's home! But the minute they walk in your home, what their mother says does not matter. This goes back to not mentioning her name in your home... I think if you work to eliminate your ex's voice in your home, then things will improve with your current wife and with your children. Eventually, your children will see your ex for who she is and will see you as the positive person in the situation. That is, if you are really being positive- which I am not really getting the feeling that you are. You HAVE to be positive toward your ex in front of your kids, even if it kills you. Never say anything negative in front of them and always encourage them to visit her. I disagree with anyone that suggests you trying to take your ex's rights away. You never want to be the one preventing your children from seeing their mother. Regardless of the reason, your children would resent you for that. They will make their own decision when they are ready. Trust me, I speak from experience as the child in a very similar situation!

The Bio mom can be the best friend as long as they live with you. If you gave her custody of the children and had them on week-ends, she will have to assume the responsibilities of being a parent (whether they like it or not) and you could become the friend. If you decided to give her custody, I would make sure your children understand that you feel they are not happy living with you and that you only want their hapiness. Also encourage them to come see you whenever they feel like it. If the Bio mom interferes, and if she does not parent them right, they will see how better off they were living with you and may ask to come back. If somewhere down the road that's how it goes down, you will need to explain to them that if they wish to come back (assuming that it's plausible) they cannot act the way they were acting while living with you now.