My wife is 49 and very good looking we have been married 27 years. She has recently had a lot of contact with a 22 yr old friend of my son. I was able to find out that they did kiss and she would like to have an affair but won't because of her "commitment" to me. She wants to continue to flirt with this guy and does not like me to watch her or be around when he is around. My reaction is to get very angry when he is around but she constantly assures that nothing has or will happen. There was a disturbing voice message on her cell phone, I am all alone waiting for you" or something like that but I do not think this has progressed farther.. I give her constant affection and attention and anything she wants. She has never been unfaithful but I feel this could lead to an affair. She has had numerous plastic surgeries and really looks great for her age but I think this may be an attempt to feel younger. Just wondering what my reaction should be and how to stop this before it goes farther thanks for your help

Man to man talk I guess..

You say that she's never been unfaithful? She's kissed this boy. And she's saying that she would like to have an affair but won't. But she would like to. She has already been unfaithful by even entertaining the idea. You should probably go into counseling together and work this out. After 27 years, it's worth fighting for. But don't take this too lightly. I understand that she's saying that she wouldn't. But she wants to? Not good enough. You deserve better than that. You need to tell the 22yr. Old to stay away from your house. Why is he still coming around? Why are you allowing that? I'm sorry but as her husband you have a say in this, too. It sounds to me like you allow her to "walk" on you a little bit and you don't want to upset her because you're afraid she'll leave (?) Just goin' by what I see there. The fact that she said she'd never do anything but she wants to is just about as bad as doing it. She shouldn't want to. She should want to be w/ you and you only.

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Originally Posted by erin7799

You say that she's never been unfaithful? She's kissed this boy. And she's saying that she would like to have an affair but won't. But she would like to. She has already been unfaithful by even entertaining the idea. You should probably go into counseling together and work this out. After 27 years, it's worth fighting for. But don't take this too lightly. I understand that she's saying that she wouldn't. But she wants to?? Not good enough. You deserve better than that. You need to tell the 22yr. old to stay away from your house. Why is he still coming around? Why are you allowing that? I'm sorry but as her husband you have a say in this, too. It sounds to me like you allow her to "walk" on you a little bit and you don't want to upset her because you're afraid she'll leave (?) Just goin' by what I see there. The fact that she said she'd never do anything but she wants to is just about as bad as doing it. She shouldn't want to. She should want to be w/ you and you only.

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Thanks Erin that is insightful I do have a tendency to be walked on. I really made a big deal out of him coming around and was very confrontational--She does not know that I know about the kissing it came from one of his other friends that I got info from he can't keep his mouth shut about this that's why I know I will be able to find out everything. Regretfully he is my sons close friend and I hate to get all this out in the open. She gets very angry when I insinuate something is happening between them. Like I said she is pretty but she is very high strung. We tried counseling and I suggested it now but she did not like it I think the counselor exposed a lot of faults of hers (and mine too) but she did not like it.. I thought it was great however and I am in counseling with our pastor. This is just a sex thing there is no chance of her leaving me for this loser but if it goes to far I may ask her to leave. Thanks again

Tell that young man that you are uncomfortable about him around your wife. Tell him you're not thinking that they are screwing up and you would appreciate if he will distance himself from your household if he would like him to stay close with your son.

"Well, if you ever were to have an affair, I guess I would have to understand. You're an unbelievably attractive woman. If you decide I'm not enough man for you, I do hope you'll respect our friendship enough to tell me. I'm a big boy, I can take it. I love you and want you to be happy, just be safe and keep me in the loop, okay?"

Look, if she's going to stray, she's going to stray. Part of the "fun" is the subterfuge, the "getting away with something taboo." You can try to take some of that away from her by putting yourself on her side of this issue, like you should be with all issues.

You two need to face stuff together. You need to face HARD stuff together. I'm not suggesting you CONDONE what she might do, just make sure she knows you're not some ogre that's going to attack her if she does, nor are you some dweeb whose life will fall apart if she does. You'll be fine. Sad, disappointed, but hey... if this is where life is leading her, you couldn't really stop her anyway, right?

This is hard. Mostly, just try and take away the mystique of a secret affair. Talk about it matter-of-factly and include real-world terms like "sexual intercourse" and May-November trysts... not so romantic sounding.

Then, if it appears to be happening, ask her for advice on the kind of girl you should be looking for for your girlfriend. Her honest feedback would be so appreciated.

It sounds like your wife is pretty selfish. She wants to flirt with a boy and does not want you to get upset? You have every right to be upset, to be angry, and to call her out on her behavior. You say that she does not want to cheat on you, but it seems to me she already has started. Talk to her, then talk to the boy.

You don't let that boy around your home again, Order him to leave if he comes around, Get the wife into counseling

And have your son take care of him... lol

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Originally Posted by tadwple

My wife is 49 and very good looking we have been married 27 years. She has recently had a lot of contact with a 22 yr old friend of my son. I was able to find out that they did kiss and she would like to have an affair but won't because of her "commitment" to me. She wants to continue to flirt with this guy and does not like me to watch her or be around when he is around. My reaction is to get very angry when he is around but she constantly assures that nothing has or will happen. There was a disturbing voice message on her cell phone, I am all alone waiting for you" or something like that but I do not think this has progressed farther.. I give her constant affection and attention and anything she wants. She has never been unfaithful but I feel this could lead to an affair. She has had numerous plastic surgeries and really looks great for her age but I think this may be an attempt to feel younger. Just wondering what my reaction should be and how to stop this before it goes farther thanks for your help

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You need to decide what you are comfortable with as far as her relationship with him goes. Once you make that decision (which in my opinion is that she should have NO contact with him), you need to tell her how you feel and ask her to respect your request. If she refuses, then you need to decide how big a deal it is to you. I personally think that more is going on than you know about or she is admitting to. I wouldn't permit any contact at all... she seems to be totally disrespecting you.

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Originally Posted by aem112

You need to decide what you are comfortable with as far as her relationship with him goes. Once you make that decision (which in my opinion is that she should have NO contact with him), you need to tell her how you feel and ask her to respect your request. If she refuses, then you need to decide how big a deal it is to you. I personally think that more is going on than you know about or she is admitting to. I wouldn't permit any contact at all....she seems to be totally disrespecting you.

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Thanks that is how I really feel totally disrespected, however I have been with her 27 years and I know right now there is nothing else going on. I did say she should have no contact but she says that I am just being silly and there is nothing to worry about.. It would seem the general consensus is to keep him away and I really appreciated everyone who has counseled me that way. I am going to work and see if I can make that happen. It is very difficult because she is very high strung and emotional and she usually gets her way. I think she is going through some kind of midlife crisis or something like that but she does see a doctor for her emotions and takes numerous medications. She is at times difficult to live with -- To be totally honest I was going to leave her last year but I have been really working hard at trying to restore our relationship so this is kind of surprising that this had happened. Thanks for all your guys and gals counsel I really helps

She has had numerous plastic surgeries AND she is now flirting with her sons friend.
She apparently is in middle age crisis and doesn't want to come to terms with it so she is building her ego with this kid. She needs to realize you play with fire you get burned.
She needs to realize what is she going to do with this kid? I doubt have anything realistically.
So she needs to take a good look at her behavior and how she could be jeopardizing everything for an unreasonable fling. Also how does your son feel? He must feel uncomfortable as well.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

She has had numerous plastic surgeries AND she is now flirting with her sons friend.
She apparently is in middle age crisis and doesn't want to come to terms with it so she is building her ego with this kid. She needs to realize you play with fire you get burned.
She needs to realize what is she going to do with this kid? I doubt have anything realistically.
So she needs to take a good look at her behavior and how she could be jeopardizing everything for an unreasonable fling. Also how does your son feel? He must feel uncomfortable as well.

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I wish she had friends that could talk to her like this.. She does have moral friends but of course she would never tell the whole story to them. Do you think it would be a bad thing if I kind of leaked some but not all of what I know about this relationship to them so she could have additional input besides just me?

I know you love this woman or you wouldn't be putting up w/ her crap. But I have to be honest with you. She sounds like a BRAT. You are allowing her to get her own way. It sounds like instead of you putting your foot down as her husband, she's telling you that you're being silly. No, it's not silly. You're smarter than that and you know deep down in your heart what's going on. You know in your gut. Honestly if she really gave a poop about how you feel, she wouldn't continue to talk to this boy. She just wouldn't do it. You need to stand up for yourself, man!

I donm't think that other people finding out anything is a good idea. Then there are all those rumors going around that you have no control over.