Ask Me Help Desk - Expectant single father

I am a single man, who is yearning for a family. My dearest friend of 20 years has repeatedly offered to have my baby under the condition that I raise her and have sole custody and responsibility. I have totally agreed to this and am looking forward to my child being born. My questions arise when I think of things like parental rights, can the birth mother sign these over to me at birth and be free of all responsibility without the courts stepping in? We are not entering this lightly, we are in our mid 30's and are professionals. Any advice is good advice. Thanks

You say you are both professionals. If you and your friend are committed to doing this and just wanting legal advice, I would suggest you not read further, this post. I bring up issues that are more personal than legal paper work.

I would encourage you to handle this as professionals and let a professional attorney handle the paper work, working out all the details prior to the pregnancy. You say "she" referring to the baby. Is the friend already pregnant and you know already the sex of the child? The best thing is to have everything written up by an attorney, have both you and she sign the document, have it filed with the proper source through the attorney. Address any issues at that time, with you and she present with the attorney. I believe you both should receive some counseling prior to making the decision if not by a professional counselor, maybe just by the doctor who will be handling the birth of the baby.

Even doing this, please realize that she can always contest this in court at a later time after the birth of the child if she changes her mind about all she has agreed to. If she has never had a child before, she may not be aware of all the emotions that build and the bond that forms as a woman carries a child in her body and feels that baby move, through the course of the pregnancy. To go home from birthing the baby, handing it over to you, going home empty handed, may be more than she can cope with at the time. She may hand the child over, then go home and it all hit her.

Is there a chance that perhaps you and the lady love each other, having been friends for so long already and just have not spoken about it or acted on it?

I am speaking as a mother but also as one who has some knowledge of a mother giving up a child then changing her mind. In the case I am personally aware of, the court ruled in the favor of the adopting family but it was a mother, father, and three little girls already making up that family. The mother wanted to help name the child and the family agreed to that and wanted to see him grow up and they agreed to that but give up all rights but changed her mind later and wanted him back.

Thinking of all the emotions that will come later after your friend gives you the child, even so well intentioned as she is, I just can't see this going without a hitch.

I believe you when you say you are not entering into this lightly but I do think you are entering into this a little uninformed but with wonderful intentions but I see red flags everywhere here. Perhaps I have misunderstood your post and if so I apologize for being so wordy in this post. I just feel there is much that might not have been addressed at this point. I wish you the very best. Lots to think about! Choose well, a new life and his/her future is at stake as well as the happiness of you and the mother.

Lots of questions: Does she intend to hand the baby over and just go home empty handed or will she and the baby go home with you for awhile? She will just get that much more attached to the baby. Does she expect to have a say so in the raising of the child at all? Is she willing to watch as you raise the child and not feel she has a right to help make decisions regarding the baby? What happens if you and she do this and she has the baby, hands the baby over to you, papers all in order then 10 months later, all is going according to plan, then you find someone special to date. How will your friend feel about another woman coming into the babies life?

I am just asking "food for thought" questions. You and she may have already thought of all these things. Again best to you and your friend. Keep us posted!! :)

Thanks for the great answer. I have consulted an my attorney this morning. Since you have asked I will give you the details. I'm gay, she is not. We have been best friends since the age of 16. She does have a grown son, to whom I am very close. She will always be involved in our lives albeit at a distance (I live in PA she in AZ). She is not pregnant yet, but we have started counseling both together and separatley. I said she in regards to the baby as a HUGE freudian slip or wishful thinking, but I am so happy either way. (charlotte annabelle if a girl and elijah samuel of boy.) the mother and I and her son and my sister will spent about a week together when the baby comes. She wants to be close emotionally but be the custodial parent. Thanks for your answer

Do you have a partner? If you do, and your state allows it, see if you can arrange for you and your partner to adopt the baby. If not, most states will not allow her to relinquish her parental rights. Which means that she will be able to have a say in the child's life, and may at some future time file for physical custody. To get an idea of what you might be dealing with in the future, peruse this board for the threads on absentee fathers who show up years later, the battles over child custody, what happens when a new partner comes into the picture, etc. I will point out that you can, legally, go after the mother for child support if there is no adoption involved. You may say that you won't, but if you ever go on public assistance, they may demand that you name the mother and go after her to recover their costs.

Things to think about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven35

My questions arise when i think of things like parental rights, can the birth mother sign these over to me at birth and be free of all responsibility without the courts stepping in?

The answer to that is an emphatic NO! For you to legally become the father the courts will have to approve the adoption. Even if you are the sperm donor, it will still be up to a court to rule as to custody.

So you really need to get this all hammered down BEFORE she is impregnated. You need to get an attorney, familiar with Family Law in your state to draw up a surrogate contract.

The problem I see is you have two strikes against you to start with. You are single and gay (this is not a value judgement but a legal one). So you really need to know what legal problems you will encounter before you go ahead with impregnating.

good Luck to you

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

The answer to that is an emphatic NO! For you to legally become the father the courts will have to approve the adoption. Even if you are the sperm donor, it will still be up to a court to rule as to custody.

So you really need to get this all hammered down BEFORE she is impregnated. You need to get an attorney, familiar with Family Law in your state to draw up a surrogate contract.

The problem I see is you have two strikes against you to start off with. You are single and gay (this is not a value judgement but a legal one). So you really need to know what legal problems you will encounter before you go ahead with impregnating.

good Luck to you

Exactly - Scott has cut right to the "legal chase" - and this is a legal board.

I am rather surprised that you haven't given a lot of thought to the legal issues but have picked out names.

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven35

thanks for the great answer. i have consulted an my attorney this morning. since you have asked i will give you the details. i'm gay, she is not. we have been best friends since the age of 16. she does have a grown son, to whom i am very close. she will always be involved in our lives albeit at a distance (i live in PA she in AZ). she is not pregnant yet, but we have started counseling both together and separatley. I said she in regards to the baby as a HUGE freudian slip or wishful thinking, but i am soo happy either way. (charlotte annabelle if a girl and elijah samuel of boy.) the mother and i and her son and my sister will spent about a week together when the baby comes. she wants to be close emotionally but be the custodial parent. thanks for your answer

Thank you Steven for sharing more details. There are many things to consider. You have gotten some good advice so far on this thread, some legal, some personal but all good. I wish you well and I am sure you will get more people posting as we go that will be helpful.

Thanks everyone. I met with my attorney this morning. I did bring up all of your points. Thanks again

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven35

thanks everyone. I met with my attorney this morning. i did bring up all of your points. thanks again

Please come back and let us know what you decide, how it works out, if we were in the ballpark with the info.