Yeah, I'm one of those idiots with a "man" issue. I'm the idiot because I'm the chick that's schtuping an older, married man. He's twenty-two years older. And the husband of a co-worker to boot... yeah, I'm the biggest twit on the face of the planet and a bunch of other things I can't describe. I know that childhood abuse, rape as a teenager and my recent divorce are all contributing factors. But surprisingly that stuff is what has brought the two of us together. He's different from any man I've ever met. Shows the sensitivity and caring I've always heard about and always wanted. We truly care about each other. But I know that he won't leave his wife. That he's too old to start over and even if he could it would change him too much. But he's alone. His wife doesn't like him. Leaves him alone whenever possible, works as much as possible and has had him sleeping on the couch for 10 years. I've watched and she's admitted. Don't ask me why I'm still in this self-destructive situation. I've got disabled kids. I shouldn't even consider knowing someone else. But he's a good man. A good person. And we seem to fulfill a need within each other. An understanding based on similar experiences. So I guess the question is: where do I go from here? I love the guy. Beyond lust or well, as a friend and beyond. I know I can't help them, but how do I help myself? I don't want to say goodbye to a good friend forever, I don't have many. But I know this isn't healthy and is wrong on so many levels I can't count. But what to do and how to do it? And where do I go from here. I'm this loser living with my mom after 12 years of marriage to a man I didn't love, but has to wonderous and beautiful boys. I get to have the boys half time. They stay at the house and my ex and I take turns during the week. So.. what do I do... new job, obviously. Own place? Yep-goes with the new job. But the emotional? How to find healthy after so many years of dysfunction. Oy! Help! And be nice I'm stupid, but not without feelings-be constructive. Please:)

You've gotten yourself into a situation, that's for sure.

Take care of you first. Get your own place with room for your boys when they stay. Get some counselling and get to know yourself better. Continue to be honest with yourself.

This man must break with his wife if the two of you are going to have an honest relationship. Anything is possible, remember that. Anything is bearable although it may not feel that way.

Thanks simone of where it rains too much (I know someone else from there:). But I put myself in counseling at fifteen. And didn't get out until last year. Hopefully all of that sank in somewhere. I think it did. But you're right, I do need to take care of me. Be true to myself and seize control of my future. And the boys by proxy. It just gets hard and confusing at times blazing that trail. Easy to get distracted... you have some valid points that I hope help someone else in the future

I don't think it is a good idea for you to be tearing yourself down at every turn... that is just a way to avoid thinking about your life's situation, by heaping-on everything "wrong" in your life, making the situation so overwhelming that you virtually paralyze yourself from taking any action. Changing your life is about changing one aspect, and that aspect one step at a time so you're not overwhelmed. :)

You have to decide what you want from your life going forward... what will bring you more happiness than misery? You have to think about this seriously, you're getting older and your kids will grow up. What do you want for yourself? What do you want your life to look like in 10 years? Be realistic.

I think you have been very damaged in the past, but have *valiantly overcome* so much negativity. You have found this older man-- have a safe, soothing relationship, which perhaps reenacts past ways of interacting with a man, I don't know. Living with your mother may be infantilizing yourself, a safe easy place to rest, also.

You never know, you may *need* some of the comforts you have set up in your life. Consider that when you make an assessment of how you want to live in ten years.

You many want a professional to help you with your life plan, help you think about alternatives, how to implement the beginnings of your plan.

One thing for sure, we as individuals always *feel much better* when we take that first step toward self-betterment. One success builds on another, never rush! and follow the plan. Rome wasn't build in a day. :)

Best wishes to you in the future, :)

Thank you so much. You're right about getting overwhelmed. The first change or seizing of my life was the divorce. And I'm willing to admit that I've become a little gun shy. It (the divorce) was a big step. I'm not generally a wave maker. But I do need to stop being sooo concerned about how my waves affect others. I've let it prevent me from moving forward. There will always be consequences. Every action has a reaction. But those consequences don't always have to be dire. I'm trying (very hard) to live by three things. Seize the day (make the most of each and the most of each person, you don't know where you'll be tomorrow), another similar-what do you want to see in looking back on your life? Do you want to know you tried? Took the risk? Or not... what would history say of you? And be true to yourself... they aren't always easy to live by... not easy to answer-especially if you don't know yourself. I know I sound less mature than I should for my age, but living in a ptsd state for so long kind of stunts your growth, you know... so I learn I live and try to catch up. What's most important is what am I going to teach my boys? That liveable risks is okay. That caring for others is wonderful, but remember that forget to take care of yourself reduces that gift if you are hurt in the bargain-and unable to continue caring as before, and that we all have strength and courage... more than we possibly can imagine... just take the steps, keep breathing, close your eyes if you need to but move... take that step and the others will be easier... that there is no way of knowing what will happen in life, no way of controlling it, the only control we have is how we perceive things and people and how we choose to respond... I read something somewhere recently that went something to the effect of "don't focus on the problem, focus on the solution" that it makes things easier... and far less negative... thanks for the pep talk and feed back... rowan1

I read your post and can't help thinking that you are talking yourself into failure-im stupid, idiot etc. STOP IT!

If he won't leave his wife tell him goodbye don't "ruin" his life or yours any further-move on.

Because I'm a buddhist, id advise you to do some research into buddhism-but only as far as the philosophy/psychological parts first. I think it is what may help you at this time.

Best wishes,
X

Yep. Biologist to.. very zen ain't it?

You want people to be respectful and be nice to you because of your situation... because you're "stupid". But are you showing respect and being nice by "shtuping" another woman's husband? I just totally laid into someone else w/ the truth about being w/ a married man. You know it's wrong. I don't care what good you found in him. Nothing that has happened to you in your past gives you the right to hurt someone else. Sometimes the biggest hurt is the one where the other person doesn't know. And how do you face her? You're not just hurting you by allowing yourself to fall for an unavailable man, but you're hurting his wife, too. I don't care how many nights he's slept on her couch he has no place in your bed.

Thanks erin... that reaaally helped. I knew coming on this thing was a big mistake. Does it feel good to know it all. Kids... grow up. Don't tell me how to... I quit... I don't need that type of crap from a judgemental kid. I've been on both sides of the coin honey, and I don't need a lecture... talk about stupid!! I guess I was for ever thinking that other people could see that we all have flaws, and share the wisdom garnered from them... don't bother answering me... any oneeee... I've handled the situation, made my decisions, and let that be that... I've never gotten on one of these things and now I know why---you're it sweety... twit...

Did I help or not??

Hi Rowan. I see she's been making the rounds with the judgemental bs. No one's asking if it's wrong or right. That questions already been answered. I love being "laid into" with things I already know. Beating the dead horse is the understatement of the day. I know it may be a case of the blind leading the blind but emotionally I feel better knowing that I'm taking back the power. I've decided that my affair is over and that makes me feel some relief. I think your salvation is in your children. My mom always told me that me and my brothers were her best friends, her "running buddies." Find things to do with your kids, focus on them and I'm sure you'll prosper as well. We definitely need to chat sometime. I don't judge, no matter what.

Lol... Look guys I am not as young as you think I am. I am older than you are mimi0313. Hey people tell me the truth all of the time and if you don't want to hear it then don't ask for advice. Good or Bad. I am not here to lie or tell you what you think you want to hear. I am happy that you've decided it's over w/ your guy. Just don't make those choices again, if not for yourself for someone else. You as far as a person seem intelligent w/ the fact that you're getting your bachelors degree and making sure that you have a career established for yourself. That's awesome! You see I did the opposite. I was going to school, got pregnant and became a mother. And that's my job. It's been my full time job for nearly 9 years. And you NEVER judge? Remember those words the next time you see something you find hideous and your reaction is disgust. I never said you were a bad person. There's a difference w/ WHO you are and WHAT you do. Actions speak louder than words, but I believe that there are good people who make bad choices. Now it's just up to you to stop. That's all. Yes. I feel very strongly about cheating. You put your dirty laundry out on a public website and then expect feedback, but only if it's what you want to hear. That's not how it works. You don't have to like it. And you can be mad at me for telling you it's wrong but you did it. Not me.

Oh Erin. For a min I was starting to kind of like you after you posted on my page. But you did it again. I don't need to be cuddled, but I don't need to be beat over the head with the same stuff. We've established for the millionth time it's wrong. I got a big scarlet A branded on my and I'm fine with that. But right now I'm trying to move past that, not be told the same thing over and over. And I don't judge, EVER. I'm just not that way. I've been to hell and back in my 27 years and I've learned that judging people gets you nowhere. I was lectured my whole childhood. I was beat over the head with the same words, my dad insists on talking in circles. I'm not dumb, I'm not making excuses and neither is Rowan. I put my "dirty laundry" out to get some different viewpoints. Yours I've already heard about 12 million times. It's the first response most people have. I need something new. We are aware that our actions are wrong and I sure don't expect everyone to react positively but we asked for advice, not a lecture.

to x-ray man-thanks it did.

The fact is we all do stupid stuff. But some of us have more sense than to sleep w/ someone else's man plain and simple. You ask for advice. It's stupid, don't do it anymore. Mimi1303 I posted here and then saw what you had to say then went back to you site and responded to you their. I didn't say anything about the 2 of you as PEOPLE. I was very clear about how I feel about the choices you made. Good People can make poor choices. Ok. So you know it was wrong. Then I hope that you don't choose to continue on. As far as the rest of what you do in your life, I'm sure you're wonderful. But, I don't know you in that way. I know what you told us on here and that's it. No matter how old you are in years, you're the one sleeping w/ a co-workers husband and calling names and I'm immature.

rowan1/mim0313,

Why don't you both stop wallowing on your pity pot ,and start to love yourself enough to stop doing the wrong things, and do the right thing?

Instead of jumping on those who are telling you the straight up truth, put that energy, and effort into correcting your own problems, and doing for yourself.

What makes you think you get to poopah at the truth, and still not put some positive actions in on your behalf, by STOP doing what is making you miserable.

Face the FACT, your looking for an easier softer way, to avoid the misery and pain you live with. You can't. But you can learn to love yourself, and let that motivate you to doing what you must, to find the strength to make yourself happy, without the dead weight of a married man dragging you down.

You wanted advice, it starts with stop making excuses of, you can't, and how hard it is, and how judgmental everyone is, and you don't know what to do, these are excuses to fail, and not try, so drop them. Start loving yourself enough to get the strength, to do what you have to to be happy. Get help if you need it, but for chrissake stop telling healthy people they don't know what there talking about, and you do, that feeds failure, so just listen, and take heed, as whatever your both doing hasn't exactly worked well has it? If your not willing to listen, and make changes yourself for your own benefit, why are you here? Help me understand.

*sigh*

Mimi and rowan...

You received a post from erin you didn't like. Fine. Get over it. It's a public forum. Adultry isn't a topic that's going to get you a lot of soft glove treatment. You can say you've heard it all before, but you'll hear it again when you post in a public board.

Continue to bash her... when all she has done is talk about your actions, not you as a person, and THEN talk about not being judgemental? It is a little hypocritical.

Two things. If a poster bothers you, you can add them to an "ignore" bin... you won't have to read answers from a person you don't care to hear from. I'm guessing erin isn't going to waste much more effort on your threads anyway. But using the ignore bin is a way to keep from filling a thread with bickering. Noise like that will get a thread locked and shut down quickly.

Second... what answer is acceptable to you, since hearing the brutal truth (which you know, but doesn't change your actions) is inappropriate and unwanted?

You both have had issues in the past that have brought you to this place that you wouldn't have chosen for yourselves. Its clear you didn't wish for this and you posted here out of desire for some solution. Fine.

Loss is a part of life. I had to walk away from two women I loved, but couldn't be with (not issues with adultry or marriage)... doing so enabled me to find my wife and allowed me to be in a great relationship and marriage of ten years and still strong. Being without allowed me to find a better mate... and I don't buy into the "soulmate" noise. A few billion people in this world and just one fits? I'm not that special that my wife couldn't find another good man.

At issue is your fear of being alone and fear of loss and hurt. Deal with that and then you can deal with the rest. The answer is that simple, and that hard.

If you are with "a great guy but..." and you choose to stay, you accept it. You own it. Saying you feel bad means nothing if it doesn't change how you treat yourself.

If you aren't able or are unwilling to seek out counseling to work through your past, you are bearing the load on your own. A great resource many people ignore is books from your local public library. Books on relationships, loss, and marriage can help you begin to work your way through the noise you must get through if you genuinely want something better.