Hello,

My wife and I are both in our mid-20's... we have a nice home, and currently 2 solid incomes (she is on maternity leave). We've been married for a year now, and also have a 2-month old baby. We love our baby girl so much - she is our pride and joy.

To be upfront about it, we have a big disconnect right now, and hidden anger has built up to create a lot of tension. There is unhappiness on both sides, and words are finally coming out about how serious this is between us. We both agree we are in a rut right now, and we long to find that happiness like when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. In a year's time, we bought a house, both switched jobs, got married, and had a baby. Although we felt invincible at the time, it's a lot for a young couple to handle, and I think it's finally catching up to us. With all that went on, we really neglected our own relationship. I fault myself for the majority of it... really seeing my actions over time as selfish. Hindsight is always 20-20, right?

We've spoken about maybe taking some classes with a couples therapist to have someone bring out the real issues so we can address what's really bothering us. We're still debating that one, but we'll probably do it.

What I'd like is some advice from all of your experience, on what I can personally do to help out my wife. I love her so much and I'd do anything for her and our baby girl. She is turned off by me right now and doesn't see me in the way she used to, so I don't want to come on too strong to her to look like I'm trying too hard. I feel like if I do little things exceptionally well, like talk with her, understand her, help around the house more, and do things without being asked... that'll go a long way without being too drastic in a "relationship correction".

I'm just really down right now. I know we both love each other very much... we just got so busy and preoccupied that we've lost that "in love" feeling right now. I miss her.

This website may explain www.womenshealth.gov/faq/postpartum part of the problem, or maybe all of the problem and is a condition that isn't well addressed at times. I hope you read the information within and consider some of the points they make regarding postpartum depression.

The problem may not lie with you as you and she think. It could be a great hormonal imbalance in a woman after giving birth. I have heard your exact concerns voiced by some men in this very difficult time for a spouse. Good luck.

Going from invincible carefree love to a rut with a lot of responsibility piled on can be a major change. One thing you have going for you is you both open to and want to do whatever it takes to get back to where you were happy with each other.
Maybe together go back over the past year and look at the details and write a list of what you can work on where things went wrong and how to redirect.
For example,
Problem: got caught up in job and neglected wife.
Correct: set aside a day night once a week or once a month

Problem: Neglected good communication
Correct: Listen, be attentive and contribute to conversation rather than simply saying ''oh yeah that sounds okay''.

N0help4u - I like your idea. I think I'll take some time to walk through in my head when things were really clicking and we were having fun. If I can remember how I felt, remember how we acted, or things we did... that might be a good start.

Tickle - I always had postpartum depression tucked in the back of my mind, but I never really knew how it manifested itself so I couldn't recognize it. Some basic research matches up this type of depression with how things are between us. Maybe that therapy would do a lot of good then.

It's tough because we both know where we want to be, but there's a wall between us and we don't know how to knock it down and embrace each other like we used to.

I'm thinking baby steps, and not huge jumps here.

Maybe tell her some night not to make dinner or any plans and after the baby is asleep have some delivery food ordered (but make it romantic like some flowers and candles) and then play some nice love songs and dance the night away or something.

When you both have a goal in mind to get back to where you both belong in your relationship, and that includes your wonderful baby, then you can work it out. I do agree though, baby steps are most appropriate here. No leeps ahead, be patient because a good marriage with a great foundation is worth working towards. Good luck Deep.

You guys have had a lot of big things going on & a baby certainly is a dramatic change. You are smart to address the disconnect & anger now before it gets even worse. This is a time when you two can take the opportunity to put in place the habits that will create a great marriage for both or one that makes it easy to drift apart & have a very child centered marriage only. Taking the time to appreciate each other & to make things right now will pay off great dividends short & long term.

You could start by reading the following books:

Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Men's Edition): Gary Chapman: Books

Amazon.com: The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships: Gary Chapman, Jennifer Thomas: Books

Amazon.com: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert: John M. Gottman, Nan Silver: Books

Amazon.com: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last: John Gottman: Books

Amazon.com: The 10-Second Kiss: How to Turn Your Relationship Into a Lifelong Romance -- in Just 24 Hours! A Magical Formula for Passion, Pleasure, and Playfulness: Ellen Kreidman: Books

Set aside a bit of time regularly (even if 15 minutes a day) to talk about what is good between you & your lives, holding hands & looking into each other's eyes.

Even 5 minutes a day & telling each other 3 things you appreciate / love about each other can make a huge difference in a short amt of time to make it much easier to tackle the tuffer issues together. It reinforces why you are together, what is special that is worth preserving in your lives & greatly increases the reality of being a loving partnership that are on the same side trying to find the best solutions for what's going on that's stressful.

Good Luck!

Don't underestimate the power of postpartum.
It can make a woman feel crazy. (it did me)
*From a woman's prospective*
After having a baby - you are so happy because - well, you have this beautiful baby. BUT, everything in your world just changed. You are getting little to no sleep. You are trying to figure out what to do with this baby and you don't know if you are doing it right. Then you look in the mirror and while the baby was inside you, it was acceptable to have this extra weight. Now that the baby is out - you are just fat. How can you feel sexy when you don't even know the body that you see in the mirror?

All these things are flowing through your brain and on top of all that - you feel guilty for not loving every second of the new baby.

I remember when my daughter was 2 months old, I went from working to being a stay at home mom, I was fat and had no adult interaction other than my husband when he got home from work at night. He thought now that I was home - he basically had a maid.
(or that is how I felt) I totally went OFF on him one night because he had the nerve to leave a pair of socks lay. We truly had a screaming match about a pair of socks! In front of our newborn.
So, postpartum is a crazy thing!

The best think I can tell you is to be supportive of your wife. Talk to her. Take her out - just to get her out of the house! Of course you feel like you are in a rut. There is a list somewhere that tells of the 5 most important/stressful things a person can do in there lifetime - you have done at least 3 in one year.

Relax - take a breath. It's going to be okay. Continue to love your wife. It will get better

Postpartum & adjusting to a new baby is quite a challenge, as has been mentioned. You both may be short tempered from lack of sleep & sheer exhaustion dealing with all the regular stuff & a newborn.

Have you tried giving her the chance to relax a bit when you get home? Fix her a bubble bath or tell her she can curl up with a book or to watch a fave show while you do baby duty. Tell her she can take a nap & you've got things covered.

Just think back to how you won her heart to begin with & do those sorts of things again, like really paying attention when she talks to you & being there for her when she needs you.

You might also consider leaving her a short love note or a card for her every morning where she will find it, just something to start her day with a smile in her heart for you. Mention the good times & memories you have already shared, or the ones that are in your future as a couple & parents.

Put a playlist of romantic songs for her then let her know why you picked each one in a love letter.

Most of all, be patient with her & yourself!

This is all so helpful to me... thank you very much for all of your input! I am doing everything I can to be as helpful and nice as possible. I re-adjusted my work schedule to make sure I'm always home early, and I'm trying my best to anticipate anything that needs to get done around the house before she has to ask. I find myself always wanting to just hold and take care of the baby when I get home, but I'm trying just as hard now to give her the same attention and love that sparked our relationship early on.

Sometimes I flub up and say or do something inadvertently that has her mad at me for days at a time... but instead of getting upset about it, I'm now focusing on just being as helpful and supportive as I can. If there's anything I learned over the last year of my life, is that no matter what happens, you have to strive to be the best person you know how to be in every aspect of your life every day. That's all you can really do, because dwelling on the past does nothing except help you learn and understand your partner better.

There is nothing wrong with coming in and wanting to hold your baby. You can do that!

BUT - make sure to kiss your wife BEFORE you do that. It is a small gesture, but it works. Maybe asking how her day was and showing interest as she tells you could help too. (Not saying you don't now, but just a tip from someone that has been there)

When she gets mad at you for days at a time how is she treating you?
Silent treatment, holding it against you, nagging?

Does she do things like expect you to read her mind and then get mad because you didn't do something that she didn't tell you?

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

When she gets mad at you for days at a time how is she treating you?
Silent treatment, holding it against you, nagging?

Does she do things like expect you to read her mind and then get mad because you didn't do something that she didn't tell you?

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I get the silent treatment or small/uncaring answers. At times like these, I spend 100% of my effort at home helping out and being as caring as possible to try and bring her out of the anger. I feel like we both get angry at each other, but she stays increasingly resentful and bottles it up. While unhealthy, I tend to ignore anger and I strive for the greater good of our marriage by not being outwardly upset and more trying to understand where she's coming from. The scales are obviously not balanced, but we have 2 different personalities, and over time I feel this helps us do better. I might be wrong, but it's how I'm able to get through each day with hope that we can become stronger.

I had a feeling she was maybe the silent treatment type.
She needs to learn how to deal with her upsets in a more constructive way
Even if it is writing out exactly how she feels and why she is upset and just vent on the paper and then even let you read it if she feels that will help. She needs to realize she also needs to do her part in building a relationship!
Here are a couple of links

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse

How To Handle Conflict & Confrontation training seminar by National Seminars Group-conflict+confrontation+confront+stress+anxiety+fru stration find training seminars workshops conferences on FindaSeminar.com

How to Get over the Silent Treatment - wikiHow

Is this a new behavior with your wife? Did it start after the baby was born?

New baby or not - communication is key to a strong, healthy relationship.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

Is this a new behavior with your wife? Did it start after the baby was born?

New baby or not - communication is key to a strong, healthy relationship.

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It's actually happened a few times while she was pregnant as well, but never before that :confused:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Maybe tell her some night not to make dinner or any plans and after the baby is asleep have some delivery food ordered (but make it romantic like some flowers and candles) and then play some nice love songs and dance the night away or something.

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Nohelp4u brought up exactly what I was going to suggest. Spending time together just the 2 of you once in a while is very important. I know when things get rough with my husband and I we know we need a date night. For a long time we worked opposite shifts, hardly saw each other, busy with other things and the stress of it all just caused us to fight. I know it's not the exact situation you're in but spending time together and just doing something fun once in a while helps a lot. One of my friends had postpartum depression and she would tell me how much better she felt after she left her daughter with her mom on a Saturday night and went out with her husband.

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Originally Posted by DeepInThought

It's actually happened a few times while she was pregnant as well, but never before that :confused:

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Then I would guess this is hormone driven. Just try and be patient with her. Her body has undergone a lot of changes fairly quickly.

I agree that you need a date night. Make a habit of it. New parents often fall into the rut of never making time for each other.

I can not stress enough that communication is key. If she goes into her silent treatment, try to talk to her. Not argue, but talk and try to hear what she is telling you.

Don't think that this is how it will be forever, it won't. Your life just changed - what you knew as "normal" will never be again. You will adjust and find your new normal.

You have had some great suggestions and I can only tell you never take her words and actions personally as for the next 6 months to a year, you are th physical and emotional support and need to be the calm on and just do what it takes.

I will add that paying attention, and being a good listener, will be worth more than trying to compromise, and working things out, as trust me, treat her like a queen even if she says off with his head. Its temporary, and considering what her mind, body, soul, and spirit have been through, she needs a lot of TIME, and unconditional LOVE, at this point in time, make sure your giving it to her no matter how UNREASONABLE, AND IRRATIONAL, SHE MAY GET!

Remember, its still her time so don't get selfish or down, just be there ready with whatever she needs wants or can think of. Its quite a challenge, but the rewards are lifetime.

You got something more important to do??