Well, I am 21, and dating an older man. We have been dating for 5 months... I met him online and at 3 months moved across a few states to be with him. When he would come to visit me, it was nothing but passion.. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. And at first with me living here, it was the same way.. But as the weeks have gone on.. it just feels like he doesn't find me sexually attractive. It's been a whole month and he hasent touched me, let alone have sex with me. Even when we have sex, and it is possible.. but he doesn't touch me... (i.e. fingering, oral)
I realize he is very tired after working, and having lymes diease.. just makes that worse. But, even when we talk about it... nothing changes. I just get more upset, and angery within.. I feel so ashamed, to let sex bother me so much.. I know its not important, and I love him. But why does it affect me so... I am always touching him, or giving him oral sex.. It just seems so selfish, that he doesn't want to do anything to me.. But it seems selfish, that I even want to be touched so bad. Seems like every man I date is this way... that its just me giving. Don't get me wrong, I love pleasing my partners. But what about me? I don't know how to approach this anymore.. Its hard to even to get him to kiss me passionately... Maybe he isn't interested anymore, but he says he loves me. And if he didn't want him living with him... Believe me, he would have said something.
I just don't know how to not let this bother me, cause its causing me to be bitter.. and to argue more.. . and I am turning into a broken record.

What do I do?:confused: And how can I stop myself from feeling so rejected?

You can't stop yourself from feeling rejected. Sex, snuggling, holding hands... whatever. It's intimate and when you're in a relationship w/ someone you care for it SHOULD be expected. It's a huge part of feeling loved. If someone swore they loved me but didn't want to touch me, your darn right I'd be questioning why. I don't care how tired, how much they work... there's always time for love. Maybe what you should do is stop GIVING. Then he may realize that it's stopped and wonder why. Or get him going by starting and then just stop and walk away. When he asks what's going on you tell him that that's how he's making you feel. When you are left always wanting more because his performance is lacking. Have you truly talked to him about this? It sounds like you're afraid of upsetting him.

Yes, Im afraid of upsetting him... But I have talked to him. I just hear, how tired he is.. How he spent all day working in 110 degree heat.. And he tells me how he doesn't mean to make me feel ignored. With moving in with him, I don't have a car or job here... Or family and friends.. So when he comes home, I jump up at the chance to talk... touch, kiss, cuddle.. have some kind of attention. I honestly know how much pain he is in, and how tired he is.. and how much he hates his job.. But.. argh! I tried not touching him.. Fact I don't do it as much anymore... but he never starts anything sexual with me.. not like he used to. Sex doesn't even seem to cross his mind. He knows Im missing family and friends and knows I'm upset with something.. But I feel like I bring this up so often that its just not clicking... I must be doing something wrong. I want to scream, just touch me sexually... have sex with me.. Kiss me, make me feel like you can't not go without touching me any longer.. that Im desirable. This issue is just stemming to other issues... I don't think I would miss home so much, if I honestly didn't feel sexually frustrated. Sounds retarded.. but.. If I was fulfilled and not upset all the time...

I would not let this issue dominate how you view him.

It is terrible to lose intimacy - especially after a passionate start - but the signal he is giving is: not now... so, don't torture yourself. I am not sure it is fair or right, but forcing will not work.

Can you pull back? And see how he reacts? Be nice and polite and fun, but don't initiate. Let him come to you. The initial passion has gone down a bit perhaps and he is focusing on work. Maybe he needs a challenge...

Try to go a week and not touch unless he touches you. If does not initiate then you need to decide if this works for you. Talk to him about it in 10 days.
If bythen it does not work for you, then you may have to consider a break.

If you can find a compromise then you all can settle in and go forward. If not, don't ever feel bad about expecting more - but you'll have to have the strength to go on.

You've only been going out for 5 months, and you moved across the country to be with him?

And now your sex life sucks, and you're isolated with no friends or family?

Leave.

This is NOT going to get better--it will just go downhill from here. If he really wants to make it work, he can move to YOUR part of the country, get a job he likes better, and make an effort to fit in with your friends and family.

Girl,

You come across in your post as being very needy and desperate. That is never going to do you well if you want to have a long term relationship. Men are going to use you for new thrills and notches in their belt and lose interest very fast.

Your best chance for happiness is to shore up your sense of self... develop your personality, and get a strong backbone, and interests in life besides having sex with men.

You can make progress, but you will probably need help from a therapist.

Don't give up, have hope for the future and make changes in your personality!

Very best wishes to you in the future, :)

I am fully capable of a long term relationship, thank you. Im not worried about other men, Im worried about the man I am dating right now. I have never lived with a man before, let alone lived 12 hours from home. Being I am so far from home, yes I am going to come off a needy in this situation. Wouldn't you, if you didn't have a car or job. And didn't know the area? No Friends or Family? He works all day, and comes home and is tired. I know this. I see this.. but our sexual life is failing. I didn't come here to be told I need to improve my personailty. I do have other interests other then sex with men, you don't know me and don't assume that Im a one tracked person. I am just looking for advice, on what I could be doing wrong.. Or ideas on how to get his attention back.

Girlfriend, a guy needs energy to have sex. It's plain and simple. Working in 110 degree weather coupled with the fact that he has Lyme Disease leaves him exhausted at the end of the day.

You can get his attention back when the weather is cooler and his Lyme Disease is not acting up. This can be a very debilitating disease.

With that said, you said he is older than you... how much older, this may make a difference.

I'm 21, he is 37. I know he is tired... but even when I do things to him.. It would be nice for him to ask if I would like something in return. I honestly don't think its too much to ask.. Every women wants to feel important. How to do I approach this cleary... I have mentioned it with him before. Maybe I said it wrong..

I agree with you, but you only knew him for a few months before you moved 12 hours away to be with him. This may just be the way he is, or it could be a number of things. Communication is important, you need to communicate your needs to him.

At 21 you are a very sexual being, at 37 many men seem to wind down about sex at this point in their lives.

Yes, we were jumping the gun when I came here. ;) I know. But we used to talk all night long and any chance we could get for 3 months straight. So, in order for our relationship to grow... I had to take a chance. When we talked, he was very interested in sex. Not that it was all he thought about.. but it would come up more frequent. (Phone Sex Wise)

My boyfriend is the same way I have known him for 17 yrs been 'seeing' him for 2 months and
I get the same I worked out in the heat all day story when I even try to just hug him for more than a couple minutes. I do think gee if this is the way it is going to be months, years down the road I don't see us ever getting around to the sex part if its this bad now.
Then reading girls crying here that their guys are getting off on porn sites and won't have sex with them it sounds like it is getting to be the norm for guys not wanting sex.
I guess I am trying to say give it time through the cooler weather and if things don't get better then decide to leave or stay. Personally I tend to think the grass doesn't seem any greener anywhere else so unless it is a REAL problem stick it out until you see which way things are going and sure what way you want them to go.

I was in a rut w/ my b/f and I figured it out... At the rate we were going IF I lived to be 65, that meant that I would only have sex 300 more times in my life. I was NOT OK with that number. I asked him if he wasn't willing to be the person who gave it to me if I could go find a person just to sleep with. He of course said no. Imagine. :) But it got him thinking about how serious I was about this. I've had sex well over 300 times in the short time that I've been having sex. One life. We have ONE life. I don't want to be unhappy and if it makes him totally miserable thinking that he HAS to sleep w/ you then you're in the wrong relationship. Was it not hot out when you 2 had sex all of the time? Did he not have lyme disease then? It sounds as though it was more important to him then because it was the beginning. He was trying to win you over. It worked. You're there. Now what?

Well, he definently won me over. Last night we argued most of the day... or I just didn't talk to him. He drank a lot in a short period, and when I noticed the 3rd time he went to the fridge for a beer... I asked him to come talk to me. He really opened up. He told me he basically dreds the fact, IM 21... and he is 37 and he is on the down slope... that he is falling apart on me. He doesn't want me to have to worry about that kind of thing, with me being so young. I know he doesn't feel good. I know he wakes up in pain. And know he always has a headache. But I love him. I look at him, and just think... this is it.
Well, when he would visit me.. It was the weekend. And he wasent driving 2-3 hours to get to a job to work in the hott air then drive 2-3 hours back. He didn't have his work truck so, he rode along with his boss. The driving is killing him. He has had the lymes for a long period. But I think with everything put together... its really taking effect.

Its hard to watch him fall apart, and not feel good. I think he wants to send me home, but if I didn't feel good... I would want someone there to help me. To hold me. Maybe he is holding back what's really wrong... He thinks it could be something really bad. Im scared.

Some key supplements for Lyme disease include a multi-vitamin, essential fatty acids(omega), probiotics, some vitamin B's and B12 sublingual, Co-Q10, a mushroom immune formula, digestive enzymes, and greens (green tea and vegetables).

Thank you. :)

Does he like when you do that stuff, though? Is the only thing missing the sex? Or is it that everything is lacking? Like the cuddling, holding hands, etc... Or do you 2 do those things? You say that you're the only one doing the touching, etc... Does that just pertain to sex?

Nothing else lacks, its just sex. Or him touching me sexually. I have to start anything sexual.. and it seems to be just a HIM thing. Where I focus on him. We haven't had sex in 5 weeks. I haven't been stimulated orally or by fingers since then... BUT he has... I have given him oral 5 or 6 times since then... AND this is cutting back.. trying to see if he would start something with me. Even after he I finish this with him.. He doesn't ask if he could do anything for me. I just feel ignored.

Ok so here's what Im picking up from everything you've said so far:

He's very tired from working and has a debilitating disease--You want more intimacy and to be a shoulder for him to lean on.

So you cater to his sexuality and he does not even acknowledge yours.
And he recently revealed there's some hesitation on his part about your age difference (did he not know your age before you moved there?).

Well, I can't say with certain that he's manipulating you (obviously you are very compassionate and caring so it's possible) but if he isn't manipulating this situation to get what he wants and forget what you want/need then he's being very selfish.

If he were truly worried about the age difference or the fact that his disease is taking a toll on him physically ((which he's had plenty of time to consider)) then he shouldn't have gotten with a young vital 21 year old and moved her away from her family and friends.

Also, You got a little sarcastic on page one because I guess you felt as if someone's advice about not focusing on sex and more on yourself was irrelevant.
Well, it's very relevant!
What are you doing there? You aren't in school or working and you have no support system... Your day consists of feeling lonely and bitter.

You should realize that you are not a bad person if you leave him... but you can become a better person if you do. Start to figure out what you really want in life and go after it!!

The highlight of your day should not be when he enters the door... obviously him entering the door is only a quick snap back to reality:: You moved 12 hours away from friends and family to be with a man who initially was like prince charming but now does not even acknowledge your intimate desires and leaves you feeling bitter and lonely.

Just cut your loses now, maybe you two can remain friends when it's over.

If you take none of this advice that we've given you at least stop being his sexual doormat... there's no excuse for that.