Hello all,

So as the title suggests - I'm again single after a short relationship. It only really lasted about 2 months or so...
I met this girl through a friend of a friend - she had just moved back to my city after being overseas and getting out of an 8 month relationship. We started hanging out in group situations, after about a month or so of knowing each other we got together at a friends party and it was on like donkey kong from then on.

So after a few weeks of us hanging out together, it sounded like she wanted to see each other exclusively - I wanted to give it a bit more time. About a week later, she found out her ex had been cheating on her the whole time they were together. She said it wasn't affecting her, and she would be OK. So about a week later we made our relationship official.

It started really well, we were really in to hanging out - invitations to do things together were coming from both parties.

It then started to get complicated about 2 weeks after we started - one of my friends cheated on her friend, and it turned into a big yelling match - resulting in a few of my friends not wanted to be anywhere near my girlfriend. This was OK with me, I have many friend groups so I knew I just had to keep those people separate from her. The week after this occurred, she went out with her friends, I went out with mine, but we happened to meet up at the same place and it was on again, yelling matches.

As a result, me and my ex were having fights we shouldn't have been having so soon into the relationship, and it was kind of killing the honeymoon period, taking the shine off it. When little things would happen she would blow it out of proportion and make a big thing out of it. Her friends started noticing this and were telling her.

She quit her job because of issues she had with her boss - which compounded the personal problems she was having. She bacame really snappy and short fused. We had a talk one night, about a month into the relationship - she said she was under pressure cause she had things to pay for and needed money to have an operation and the new job was taking a while to come through. She recognised she was probably being snappy because she wasn't fully over the situation with the ex - she was OK before she found out he had been cheated on the whole time, but that really messed her up.

We kept cruising along going OK, having fun together, but I started noticing she wasn't doing much of the contacting, and I was the one that made up plans to hang out. I could see this happening, so I slowed it down a little, saw her less, contacted her less, to see if this would make her see that it wasn't just going to be a one sided effort. It didn't work, so one night I took her a few places I don't normally, took her somewhere quiet for a relationship chat. We both admitted it wasn't really working, and I said if she doesn't think we can work it out then we may as well call it quits... she said she would see if it gets better after she starts her new job. But about a week later she called me to say we needed to talk. I had already prepared myself, we both agreed it wasn't working and that we should just be friends. She said she needs to be able to focus on getting a 3rd job so she can earn some money to get rid of her debt and to save money for an operation, without having to hold a relationship, as she could see I would be neglected if she tried to do everything at once.

She kept saying she really wants to just go back to just hanging out and being friends, and she will actually make an effort. As I was dropping her off home I said "this feels really unnatural, i feel im still attracted to you but its strange we're not together." She agreed, not sure if she also feels the attraction, but I'm assuming she was agreeing with that. I leaned over like I normally do to kiss her, but I kissed her on the cheak... it sort of seemed like she was going for the normal kiss on the lips.



So basically, I'm not sure what I should do from here. In a while things may settle down, she might get back on track, and we might be able to start it over again? She might just still be affected by the ex boyfriend cheating on her and wasting 8 months of her life? Could the intimacy continue in an open relationship and maybe down the track we get back together or eventually call it quits? My boyish instincts tell me to continue the intimacy if we both still feel the attraction... I will probably be seeing her for coffee this week... do I say to her "so do we stop staying over at eachothers places etc" or just see where it goes?

Give her some space.

Give her space and see if she does any of the contacting

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I will probably be seeing her for coffee this week... do I say to her "so do we stop staying over at each others places etc" or just see where it goes?

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Forget the staying over, you need to define in very simple terms, this relationship, because its not fair to leave the terms undefined, and lead to misunderstandings, and hurt feelings.

If your not exclusive as a dating couple by this time, then you need to make this decision together for what its worth, and if she doesn't want that, and I suspect she doesn't,* then your free to see the world without her permission, and just me, I surely would be having my own happiness, whether she wanted to be part of it, or not.

Don't be afraid, of expressing your true feelings, and expectations, and do expect to give her what she really wants, if she knows.

If not... She will need to understand you cannot exist in limbo.

As easy as it is to keep pursuing her, not fair if she isn't interested in being caught. Stand up for what you want, and make it clear what you honestly won't take, but be nice about it.
Much luck!

* Don't be surprised that she feels you will be doing to her, what her ex did!! Yeah that insecurity, and hurt is still there somewhere, so dealing with that baggage is something you better not forget, and maybe something she has to deal with on her own. Hope your intentions are honest.

Thanks for the advice all!

Just to clarify a few things:
- We made a half plan to go for coffee this week, we didn't finalise the details - do I just wait for her to contact me, and if she doesn't, just leave it till she does?

Also, talaniman - Do you suggest the next time we are together talking that we basically "set the boundaries", so I bring it up like "So now that we arent together anymore, we need to define our friendship - kissing, movies at eachothers houses, staying over, etc" to see exactly what she wants out of it, and I act according to that?

See if she calls you. You need to just ask her. Where do we go from here? Be honest with her about what you want and tell her to do the same. It sounds like her reason behind not wanting a relationship is a legitimate one. It sounds like she really likes you. But if you're unsure, let her do the calling. Hope it works out for you!

Thanks Erin I will take you advice on board! :)

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to see exactly what she wants out of it, and I act according to that?

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I was under the impression you had a date this week, but whether you do, or don't you never act according to what they want after a break up. That's why its important to define what the mean by break,

For example, no more official b/f - means its over, and your free to travel the world in search of love and adventure, and do as you please, even if it means limiting her access to YOU.

Or simply cut back on the personal time spent together, but a relationship still is in progress. In which case your still working on it.

Or "just friends" with or without benefits.

You need those facts to make a reasonable decision about what your going to do. The more defined, the less confusion.

Ok talaniman that makes sense :)

Haven't heard from her. I spoke to my previous ex yesterday, we arranged to meet for lunch this week to catch up.

Lastnight at about 11.30PM I received a call from a private number- the person on the other end sat there for 4 seconds then hung up :S I've got no way of finding out who it was so I guess there's no point making assumptions!

SO it's Wednesday night, did not hear a word from my ex... the night we were planning on meeting up pending further contact to finalise details on her behalf... no phone call or message from her...

This is pretty much how it worked when we were together - I wouldn't hear anything from her end so I'd end up being the one doing the contacting. She would be fine to do whatever I suggested, but she would never be the one to innitiate the meeting...

I don't know why it's affecting me so much even though we were only together 2 months... I guess I let my guard down because we were so in to each other to begin with.

Gym is helping - I've made it my goal to not only continue with weights but to start getting fit - hit the tredmill and bikes 3 days in a row - 30 minutes running, 15 minutes on the bikes... it's keeping me sane for that hour or so that I'm occupied.

So I still give it some more time before I contact her? Leave it till after the weekend?

After all this time you don't know where you stand?? I wonder if she has the same problem? I doubt it.

She is the one to instigate this break, or whatever it is, and maybe she is the one to be contacting you.

Don't you think its telling that you are so willing to wait, and wonder what she will say?? Given the circumstances it would seem that you had made a decision yourself about what you wanted. I don't think it healthy when one person defines the actions of another, and controls the relationship.

I think I see what you mean - I should not worry about what will happen, not assume anything will continue between me and her and just relax and get on with life as normal. When we happen to meet up some time in the future we can discuss where our friendship is going together, without any expectations, therefore without disappointment if those expectations aren't met?

So it's all becoming pretty clear now...

I hadn't heard from her at all - I was at work on Monday, went for a walk with some colleagues to grab a coffee. On the way back I happened to see the ex having coffee with a female friend of hers. I stopped, had a very short chat - she told me she hadn't been doing anything, just working and gym.. sounded about right. It was awkward because one of the colleagues I was with I've had a fling with and my ex knew about it, so is was a bit awkward. So I kept it short, asked her if she wanted to have coffee this week, she told me the days she was working and I told her I'd call her soon.

Called her the day after, asked if she wanted to go for coffee the following evening. Long story short, she's got major family problems and her mum has to go away for a week, so she has to look after her younger siblings. She said she would check if her older sister can do it and she would call me back today once she knew if she could meet up.

So it's the following evening, and she hasn't even sent any sort of message out of courtesy, even if she knew she couldn't make it tonight. It's becoming very clear I'm not even on the list of priorities, so I think its pretty clear where I stand.

Time to move on and let her do the contacting in the future - There's no point putting any more time and energy in to this if she's not going to try to make it work... 2 parties this weekend, time to meet some new people and get rid of some old bad habbits!