I am so confused. I have tried every which way to please my man, but he just comes up with excuses as to why he can't have sex together. My stomach doesn't feel good, I'm too tired how about tomorrow, we fought yesterday, it's too hot etc.. I know he's doing it on his own everyday, but yet he won't with me or even admit he is. I've tried every suggestion he has made to excite him, teasing, dressing sexy, attacking him, surprising him while he's alseep being spontanious, making sure we are getting along and laughing but nothing is working. In the beginning we had it all the time. I did gain weight, but he insists that isn't it and that all his fantasies are about us, and he wants me all the time. He is effectionate towards me and touches all the time like a couple do. Then we started having sex about once a week, then twice a month, now it's around once every three months. I still get excuses and evidence of his own actions. I know it will just get worse and I don't know what to do. He does have ADHD but I don't know if that's a part of it. He is 38 so I know he's not that old. I am exercising and eating better now to lose the weight, and trying real hard to always keep a happy attitude, but I'm losing faith in this relationship. I don't want to leave him, but I know I can't continue like this. Any thoughts or suggestions that I can try.

Does he take any maintenance drug for his attention deficit?

The ADHD medication can really affect his sexual desire.. also he's at the age where his sex drive is goes down, and you're at the age where your sex drive is going up.. kind of or ironic huh?

My best advice is COMMUNICATE!! And if he doesn't want to talk about it, then leave.

Is he on medication? Do you work? Are there children?? What makes you think he is doing himself?? Is he healthy?

No he is not on medicine. He doesn't have health insurance right now but he was diagnosed as a child although I didn't find out he was until recently when I was hunting for something to help us under mood disorders. I also feel he has ODD and a bit of CD. All the symptoms are there. Yes, I do work full time and he doesn't have a job right now and hasn't for over a year which I know depresses him. No, there are no children. It's just the two of us and we've been together 4 years now. The first year was great, after that it went down hill. I come home to a wet washcloth every night when he's here. When he's not it's dry. Plus the bed shows he's been in it, along with a few little things like sex chat web sites he signs up for, intimate pictures from girls in his emails, excetra. He is healthy, but always has ailments if that makes sense. When he is around volumtious women I usual get sex with him the next day. He doesn't go out much, so it doesn't happen much.

Sometimes when a mans girlfriend puts on weight the guy will lose interest. He is fantasizing about you when you were thinner and he doesn't want to hurt you is why he says its not the weight thing.

This goes beyond the sex, and is more to self esteem, also diagnosing without a doctor can be hit or miss, and should be left to a doctor. He spends all day doing nothing, and that's not good. He is in a rut right now that he has to want to get out of. Why is he not working? What happened?

He pretty much got blamed for something that happened at work. Something major that he couldn't possibly have done, but being the manager and no real prrof of who, they let him go. He of course has been upset about it because we/they still don't know who the actual person is that is guilty, but still he doesn't have his job. Getting another job has been tough too. He gets one or two interviews with a company, then poof, they don't want him. He's had this over his head for a year waiting to see if they will try to take him to court or put him in jail. The time limit should be up now, so we're hoping it's over and he can try to look again for another job.

That's enough to change a fellow. Think?? I think he should get any job he can for now, just to change the scenery and get some self esteem back. Its got to be torture to have something life changing as the fear of jail, hanging over you.

That's very true. I'll have to try to be more understanding and supporting of him during his hard time and in his job efforts. I do think his self esteem really needs lifting and I agree a job would greatly help. Plus I'll keep working on my weight to cover both bases. Thank you very much Talaniman and everyone for your help. It's greatly appreciated :)