Hello everyone!
I'm pretty new (well, brand new) to the board so I want to start by saying *hi!*.
I must admit that I've been snooping around for quite some time(yeaahh.. sorry) but my question is pretty specific and I haven't been able to take advice about other peoples' problems and make it work for mine.
I've tried. Really.
Ok. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible.

I met this amazing girl (we're both in our early twenties, if that's relevant) about 6 months ago through a mutual friend of ours. She was in an unhappy relationship that she ended about a week after we met. (1st warning sign, in hindsight.. maybe?)

We started wonderfully. The days were wonderful, the nights were fantastic. We couldn't get enough of one another (the whole joke about lesbians bringing UHauls on the second date is very accurate in this case).

About a month later, I lost my job and have been unemployed until very recently (I have 2 jobs now, but this is a very recent development). Needless to say, we spent even more time with each other while I was unemployed. Ok, it was pretty much 24/7. It worked surprisingly well at first, and then naturally we started getting into tiny arguments. Then, suddenly, those amazing nights we had together at first? Gone. Done. None. We haven't had sex in 3 months.

Sure, we cuddle. We kiss. We say I love you. But no sex. She swears up and down that she still finds me attractive and sexy and promises that I haven't done anything wrong in the bedroom.

I'm getting ahead of myself. About 2 weeks ago, we got into a huge argument that ended with her deciding that we needed a break. We agreed to not have any contact for a week and then check in with each other on a specified day and to see where we stood.

I kept my word and didn't call/text/email/whatever, but she called me 2 days later and almost acted like nothing happened. Of course, I was ecstatic that she missed me and we decided to hang out.

This (pretty much) exact scenario happened again. And then again. Each time, we agree to see each other, things go well for about a day or two, and then another fight happens. Still all the cuddling/I love you/kissing up until then. Still no sex.
I try to initiate it without pressuring her (I have strong convictions that no one should ever be pressured into anything sexual, even by a significant other), but she always has a headache or a stomachache or is too tired or take your pick. I'm not trying to make a big deal about the sex thing, but I can't help but feel insecure and frustrated. It's not the most important part of our relationship (if it were, I'd have left long ago), but it's making me go insane with doubt and lust and frustration and what have you.

Anyway, then we had another argument and she drove off angry and I wrote her a letter telling her how much she meant to me and biked 10 miles to her house to give it to her. I couldn't help it. I don't want to lose her. Anyway, she read it. We cried on the front steps. We hugged. We kissed. And then got back together. (Still no sex)

She's told me that she's jealous of my free time (though I don't have any anymore (and I was trying like hell to find a job, which almost became a job in itself). I've apologized and she knows I feel awful about it. I don't know what else I can do.
Also, I've become really good friends with her friends/roommate (is that bad? I didn't do it maliciously, and I realize that separate friends are important.. but she pushed me to become friends with them in the first place, and has told me how happy she is that I'm friends with them) (but has also told me she's jealous of the time I get to spend with them).

She also told me that she can see that she's changed me, and doesn't like that she's changed me, but still loves who I've changed into. If that makes sense. Personally, I don't think I've changed at all.

It should be noted that she's been in a back-to-back series of 3 relationships (including me) for the past 5 years. I understand and respect her need to figure out her life and goals and aspirations, but I don't think it's my place to force a break on her when she's the one who requested it.

Ok. This is sufficiently long.

The reason I'm turning to you all is, we just got into another argument tonight, and she told me she wanted a break to be able to do the things I've been able to do while unemployed (like hang out with her friends while she's at work) so she won't be jealous anymore. She's going to call me tomorrow so we can "talk more about it". Sigh.


I'm very much in love.
She makes me insanely happy. (despite what it might sound like)
We're best friends.
I can't imagine life without her.
I'm very confused.
If you're still reading, I'd love some advice.
What do I do?


Thank you!

(seriously, I'm sorry this is so long)

You can't change her. You can't force her to "see" anything. You've been together now long enough I am confident she is aware of your needs, your desires, and chooses to override them. Correct?

So, the ball is really in your court. You can build a life (for as long as it lasts) on the relationship she is actually giving you, or you can move on. I know it's not easy, but the choice is a simple one.

Can you live a sex-free existence in exchange for her company or not? Choose. This is YOUR life we're talking about, not hers.

If you decide to move on, don't make the mistake of thinking leaving can be a tactic for getting her to love you more. That's bad mojo. Leave because you're leaving, don't guilt-trip her on the way out the door.

O my god sounds like your head is mashed!! Having being in a couple of long term relationships wit girls I know how hard it can b. id would advice you give her a lot more time. Think about yourself only 4 abit this can't be good for you. Tell her your going to leave her 2 it 4 abit then no matter how hard it is don't call her, text her or c her. You both need 2 work out what you both want from your relationship. Giving her that time could go either way but least it would be better than this mess! Don't mean 2 sound rude but its sounds to me like she messin wit u! I know that's going to sound hard coming from me (some1 who knows nether of u) but as a outsider that's how it seem!! I hope you work this out either way and remember you need 2 look after yourself, and if its doesn't go how you want it there's always lots more fish, give yourself time 2 recover 1st though xxx

Man, I feel you brother.

My girlfriend and I had a break for 3 months, we've been together now for another 6 months with only the usual little stupid arguments, but she told me that she doesn't want to have sex right now because she can't "focus" on other things. What that means I have no idea. It's been 6 months now. And though it's not a big part of a relationship to me, it does lead to resentment and suspicious attitudes if you can't have an open discussion about the situation and come to an agreement.

I told her that if she doesn't want to have sex for a while that it's okay with me, because she is well worth the wait again (She lost her virginity to me.)

Take the break, DON'T talk to her, but if she contacts you, keep it short and sweet. Don't be a jerk, just tell her that you are extremely busy at the moment and that if you find time to contact her that you will (which you somehow can't find any time to do so ;) )

You need to take a break and evaluate if everything that you just stated to us is leaving you with a happy vision of this relationship, or if you see it going downhill. And please, take yourself out of the blissful "I love her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo so so so so so much" attitude and think about this logically and realistically, because even when the dream world is cool, it's the real world that keeps spinning, and it's the real world that will leave you left on your backside wondering what the heck happened.

Be true to yourself, be healthy, be safe.

Thank you so much for all of your advice!

We're having "a talk" sometime either tonight or tomorrow, but I'm working on convincing myself that I'm going to let her know that I need a break with HER.

I'll be sure to update y'all.
(I think that's the first time I ever used "y'all" in a sentence.)
(seems fitting)
(anyway)
(laterrrr)

I think an honest re-evaluation is what's needed, as your following your heart and ignoring what she is doing. She has issues that are hers to solve, and you should not be so quick to let her lead you down a very confusing path.

This on/off, push/pull, has to stop. Take the time to think this through without her influence.

Hi guys!
Update: we're breaking up. You all have helped me realize that what we had wasn't healthy. We're not going to rule out getting back together someday (way off in the future).
But the only way for us to truly give each other the space we need is to call it a break-up.


Thanks for all your time. This really is a wonderful board.