Ask Me Help Desk - Torn about Father

Quote:

Originally Posted by notsosure

My mom died in September 2006. I was very close to her. We were best friends and I miss her so much some days. I was always with her during her illness. I took time off work to be with her. I took her to doctor appointments; shopped for her; cleaned her house; cooked and did laundry. She and my father were together. They had been married 49 years when she died. When she died, my husband and I arranged the funeral, had the wake at our house and paid for it. I helped my father with all the paperwork that needed to be done. My husband offered my father to come and live with us. My father appeared devastated when my mom died. Three weeks after the funeral we took him on a trip for 4 days. I was worried sick about him. When we got back, my father said he was going out the following weekend with a friend. It turns out he had already met a woman. He told my husband that he had been out dancing. I was absolutely devastated when I heard this. I was grieving the death of my mom and I could not handle the disrespect he was showing. He did not tell me about it and I have not heard from him since. He has turned this around and made me look like the bad one. He has told people that I abandoned him for no reason. He told my aunt that he is not giving me anything of my mom's. He gave away all her things and never asked me if I wanted anything. He told my aunt that he is the father and that I should be calling him. He gave my aunt a big bag full of slippers that my mom knitted for me and he also gave my aunt recipes that my mom put together for me. The first Christmas my mom died he never even called me. He has never called to ask how I'm doing since my mom died. I really don't want to talk to him because I don't think he would care about how much he hurt me. I would like to be able to move on but I don't know how.

notsosure -

First I want to say that my heart goes out to you and your father. I know that the passing of your mother has obviously affected both of you and unfortunately, things have not gone on so well since she's been gone.

Here's what I see is happening in your relationship to your father. You both have experienced an intense loss and in the past year and several months attempted to deal with that loss in different ways. You are frustrated with your father because you feel like he disrespected you by being out with another woman weeks after your mom passed away. There are issues over who should have gotten what from your mother's belongings. You have heard that he has told others you abandoned him and now that he hasn't spoken to you in some time, you feel even more upset with him and really don't want to talk with him because you don't think he would care about how he hurt you.

I sympathize with you and I understand how you are upset. From your vantage point, you feel that your dad shouldn't have been with that woman. You feel that the handling of your mother's belongings was done in poor taste and that your father had no right to give away her things without consulting with you. And now you feel like your dad does not care about you and how you have been since your mother passed away. Because all of those issues are deep and real, they just don't go away until you have had some reasonable closure with these things. Part of the problem is that you have not had any contact with your father to resolve any of these issues so naturally that just makes you all the more upset because you aren't speaking to the person who has caused you emotional pain.

Here's how I'd try to deal with this situation. For me, I think that you have only been looking at this problem through your own eyes. Have you really considered how much your father has been affected by your mother's passing? You got upset with him when we went out dancing with another woman after your mother died. If you had been with someone for 49 years, try to imagine just how intense that loss would be. Sometimes people drink, sometimes people have an emotional break-down, and for some people, they just need affection and attention from another person. There are a myriad of ways that people deal with a loss as intense as your father's. Sister, I really think that it was not your place to judge your father in that case because the way that you deal with loss is not a prescribed way for others. Perhaps, your father did not want to be alone because being alone was just too difficult for him at that time.

I think that your father should have consulted with you about whether you wanted any of your mother's belongings before he gave them away. I believe that he was wrong to do that. It sounds like he's hurt and he's just taking out his frustration on you and because he knows that you are mad at him he is doing things like that. He is dealing with loss in an immature manner, unfortunately.

What would I do if I were you? Some part of you has to be able to look at a lot of what happened between you and your father and understand that you both lost someone you love. You lost your mother…he lost his wife of 49 years. You can only change the way you decide to deal with your father but you cannot change him. If you truly need to work out how you feel towards your dad and what happened, you have to be willing to humble yourself and acknowledge your dad's feelings when you talk to him. If you call him and immediately jump into how he hurt you and how he has been uncaring towards you and your loss, you'll be wasting your time. Put your father first and seek him out. Let him know you want to work things out and are willing to listen to him. Then, once he knows you are not just going to rip into him, he might be willing to humble himself and listen to you and how he hurt you. But you may have to be the bigger person and humble yourself first.

I feel for you and your father. I genuinely hope that you are able to works things out…life is too short, right?