Hi guys, new here to the board so I am hoping to get some suggestions.
So here is the story.

I am 28 yrs old, previously married, 2 kids (9yrs and 6yrs).


Been togeather with my girlfriend (age 39) for almost 8 months.
We have lived togeather full time for 5.

At first when we had met, there was a lot of affection, cuddling, holding, kissing, and she would make love / have sex with me almost every other day, once or twice or even three times a day. Telling me I am the best lover, how much she loves me, and how she never wants anyone else. (prior to moving in). Once I moved in, I've noticed a gradual decline in all of these things.

Before I continue, let me explain the type of person I am. I am a loving, affectionate person. I like the holding hands, kissing, joking around, and talking about whatever, and I feel sex is a bond between two people which sparks the "love" interaction. Now I don't need it every day, every other day, but would love to make love 2-3 times a week , even if its only once each time.

... ok so now I'll continue...

So we have talked about marriage, bought her a ring, but she wants to wait till January or later before we become engage, I've shown her how much I love her, I tell her every day how much I love her and appreciate her, but it seems the only time I can get a response or affection from her now is via a text message while I am at work and her at home or work.
I like to "hear" it, not read it "all the time".

We MAYBE might make love once a week, but I engage it each time. She use to engage it as much as me if not more prior to me moving in. I understand she's tired cause of the type of work she does and I respect that, But when she's off and I get home from work, I still want to cuddle, hold her, kiss her, and/if make love to her.
But it seems when I engage these activies I am annoying her because she sighs or gets frustrated with me.

She still tells me she wants only me, but I feel lost when I do not get the affection returned that I need. I was in a 8 yr "lost" marriage... no kissing, holding, cuddling, etc etc... I am afraid this is going in the same direction... HELP!!

I was never married, I'll just share this.

I just got into a fight with my BF and he's complaining I changed, that I am not sweet and I'm drifting apart. He cried and then yes I realize that I changed due to my financial problem things (I got screwed up). But I was unaware of what I am doing.

COMMUNICATION...

Are you doing your share of the housework? Taking over with the kids? I'm betting there's less time spent just the two of you, now that you're living together.

Do you do the sort of things men think of as foreplay---and women think of as "loving"? By this I mean--do you give her shoulder rubs, back rubs, foot rubs, etc with NO expectation of sex? Do you take over around the house when she's had a bad day so that she can just relax in the tub with a romance novel?

Women can not "turn it on" the way men can. If I've had a bad day, and I come home and have to do laundry, make dinner, do the dishes, etc--forget it. Sex is just NOT going to happen, I don't care HOW much you need it. I can't turn my mood around enough if I come home from work to MORE work.

When's the last time you took her out for dinner "just because"? When's the last time you scrubbed the bathtub and the toilets and cleaned out the fridge (including scrubbing it)? Women (at least most of the women I know) have this list in the back of our heads a lot of the time of all the things that need to be done. If the house is a mess, there's no way I'm going to relax enough to enjoy sex. If he's just all over me, and I'm trying to get things done, I just get exasperated. I'd rather have him focus that energy into CLEANING something.

And then... if after a busy day, I crawl into bed, and he's JUST reaching for my naughty bits as a way to start things--well, that's just annoying. Gee, thanks. I'm so glad that THOSE are the parts you reached for first! How about some petting before jumping right to the clitoris? How about a back rub before reaching for my nipples? I can NOT go from "tired" to "horny" in 2.3 minutes.

Now--if he takes the time to help with ALL of the chores, and takes the time to be close to me after dinner, and actually LISTENS when I talk about my day (even if it's me talking about people and stuff he just doesn't care about) and then makes the foreplay long and slow and sensual--well, then, I'm more likely to fall into the mood.

The only other thing I can think of in your situation is that you might be going overboard with the affectionate, lovey-dovey stuff, especially after coming out of a "cold" relationship. It may make you come across as "clingy" to her, which is NOT attractive.

However, the ONLY way you're going to find out what will work with her is to TALK about it. 8 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things, and you're just now coming out of the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Communication is going to be KEY going forward.

Pick a time when she's had a decent day, when you're NOT trying to get sex and have just been rebuffed, and when you're both relaxed to talk about it. Do NOT make it sound like you're unhappy and it's her fault. Be rational, don't place blame, and TALK about the things you'd like in your sex life, and LISTEN when she talks about what she would like.

Like I've said before, and will say again many times: If you can not TALK about sex with your partner, your sex life is going to suck

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Are you doing your share of the housework? Taking over with the kids? I'm betting there's less time spent just the two of you, now that you're living together.

Do you do the sort of things men think of as foreplay---and women think of as "loving"? By this I mean--do you give her shoulder rubs, back rubs, foot rubs, etc with NO expectation of sex? Do you take over around the house when she's had a bad day so that she can just relax in the tub with a romance novel?

Women can not "turn it on" the way men can. If I've had a bad day, and I come home and have to do laundry, make dinner, do the dishes, etc--forget it. Sex is just NOT going to happen, i don't care HOW much you need it. I can't turn my mood around enough if I come home from work to MORE work.

when's the last time you took her out for dinner "just because"? When's the last time you scrubbed the bathtub and the toilets and cleaned out the fridge (including scrubbing it)? Women (at least most of the women I know) have this list in the back of our heads a lot of the time of all the things that need to be done. If the house is a mess, there's no way I'm going to relax enough to enjoy sex. If he's just all over me, and I'm trying to get things done, I just get exasperated. I'd rather have him focus that energy into CLEANING something.

And then...if after a busy day, I crawl into bed, and he's JUST reaching for my naughty bits as a way to start things--well, that's just annoying. Gee, thanks. I'm so glad that THOSE are the parts you reached for first! How about some petting before jumping right to the clitoris? How about a back rub before reaching for my nipples? I can NOT go from "tired" to "horny" in 2.3 minutes.

Now--if he takes the time to help with ALL of the chores, and takes the time to be close to me after dinner, and actually LISTENS when I talk about my day (even if it's me talking about people and stuff he just doesn't care about) and then makes the foreplay long and slow and sensual--well, then, I'm more likely to fall into the mood.

The only other thing I can think of in your situation is that you might be going overboard with the affectionate, lovey-dovey stuff, especially after coming out of a "cold" relationship. It may make you come across as "clingy" to her, which is NOT attractive.

However, the ONLY way you're going to find out what will work with her is to TALK about it. 8 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things, and you're just now coming out of the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Communication is going to be KEY going forward.

Pick a time when she's had a decent day, when you're NOT trying to get sex and have just been rebuffed, and when you're both relaxed to talk about it. Do NOT make it sound like you're unhappy and it's her fault. Be rational, don't place blame, and TALK about the things you'd like in your sex life, and LISTEN when she talks about what she would like.

Like I've said before, and will say again many times: If you can not TALK about sex with your partner, your sex life is going to suck

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Thanks for taking the time to answer my question.
As for housework, yes, I pitch in, do the laundry, dishes and cook.
I do most of the outdoor work as well (I enjoy it).

As for rubs, she says I suck at back rubs, but good at feet rubs. I try to provide both when convienant. I have never thought of sex as a favor to me when providing a back rub or foot rub.

I've tried talking to her about things but I get answers from her like "yeah, uh huh, yup", and I even start talking about sex even in a kind way on a good day its instantly portrayed as if I am unhappy with her, and I know where the door is.

I can see how I am being overly affectionate... I suppose its because I have never had it much while married all those years, and she gave me a lot of it in the start, I loved it, now crave for it. I'll have to hone down the affection part.
I do love her more than anything in the world so I am just looking for answers or ways to improve certain areas without causing drama.

The other side of this is that she needs to take your feelings seriously, and she's not.

She's also taking you for granted.

Maybe a third party mediator (your pastor, rabbi, priest, etc, or a counselor) could get the 2 of you to communicate on the same level, though 8 months seems a little early to have to resort to a marriage counselor.

"Been togeather with my girlfriend (age 39) for almost 8 months.
We have lived togeather full time for 5."



I think this is the main problem right here. That's all I've got to say...

I don't like to get into these types of discussions, so I won't elaborate much.
It seems as though you moved in together too soon, without really getting to know each other-and now you are starting to see her true colors... Not that she isn't a wonderful person, but just the simple fact that you are now beginning to see who/ what she is really about-how she truly is.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

"Been togeather with my girlfriend (age 39) for almost 8 months.
We have lived togeather full time for 5."



I think this is the main problem right here. That's all I've got to say...

I don't like to get into these types of discussions, so I won't elaborate much.
It seems as though you moved in together too soon, without really getting to know each other-and now you are starting to see her true colors...Not that she isn't a wonderful person, but just the simple fact that you are now beginning to see who/ what she is really about-how she truly is.

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I'll second that... when people first start to date they are on their best behaviour. It sometimes takes a couple years for them to stop putting their best foot forward and acting themselves... It appears she may have already did that. In any case 8 months is hardly time to get to really know someone. Once in a while someone gets lucky but most opeople that jump too fast get burned.

And yes there are women that use sex to get what they want... not for love. And a few have trouble putting the two together at the same time. I've actually known one woman that actually could not associate sex with love. Needless to say I have nothing to do with her and you can just guess what line of work she has gone into since then.

I have a theory about this kind of situation which is so frequent. I would like to be able to look up on the Internet to see if I can find any research, but I don't really know how or have lots of time to devote to this project. I think I might have read something about this awhile back, but?

Anyway, I think that once a man and a woman live together whether married or not the female sexual urge gradually changes and goes down. I think this is natural, from nature, and perhaps a normal function.

Living separately is not such a problem between couples.

Well, anyway, I don't think you should be afraid to be on the lookout for a new woman. I think she is too old for you; I say this only because she could be too manipulative for you. Just an observation. Is this possible?

Hello all, this is Unmarked Faith's live-in girlfriend. Let me just start by saying, I love him very much and he is a wonderful man... BUT... he failed to mention a lot of things that may have helped in your answers to him. His question/scenario was a wee bit one sided.
We met last December from an online site. I found out in February 08 he was actually married (tho a bad marriage it was). None-the-less, he was married and I did not know aboutt it. He then took off for California to pursue work there after promising me he wasn't going to ever leave. He says he was confused... and still married at the time (he is now divorced). He then came back and stated he wanted only me. (that is the short and condensed version) So needless to say, yes, the sex was great in the beginning before the whole married bit... since then I have had some trust issues with him (can you even blame me? )
Yes, he does yardwork... that consists of mowing the grass once a week, which he said he wanted to do. I had someone hired who was cutting the grass for us, he fired them.
Yes, he does do the dishes and laundry once in a while. I have a house, a yard, a pool all to take care of, that is a lot of work, I also work full time as an RN and raise my daughter full time. He moved in with me when he got back from California. He is sometime irresponsible in money, bills, and having to be reminded of a lot of things. I can barely keep track of all my own responsibilities.
I am exhausted physically and mentally from working full time and taking care of everything. Yes, I get an occasional back rub and foot rub from him, which last a few minutes at best. I don't get any time for myself. No romantic dinners, no baths, etc. That would be great!! I DO FEEL LIKE all I am wanted for is sex most of the time and have told him that many a times. I like to be touched and played with, not just get it up and in. I have also told him that. He is a great lover. I do like to be held and cuddled but does it have to always LEAD TO SEX? Why can't that just be enough. I have also discussed with him his being over affectionate. I LOVE affection don't get me wrong. He is just on me 24/7 and that is a bit much.
Nevertheless, I love him, and this whole time I've been made to feel like something is wrong with me and it's all my fault... NOW YOU ALL GET TO HEAR "SOME" and only "SOME" of the other side. BY THE WAY... I LOVE TO HAVE SEX AND MAKE LOVE!

Unmarked Faith's Girlfriend/Fiance:

I also wanted to clarify that his statement regarding us only have sex MAYBE once a week.. is more accurately 2-3 times a week. There was only one 7 day stretch, when I was ill, that we did not engage in sex/make love. He also failed to mention that there are times that we make love/have sex 6-8 possibly more times in a day. I didn't know that was depriving someone so much. I do initiate it as well. I just want support, love, understanding and someone who listens to me.