Ask Me Help Desk - Is my husband getting treated fairly in court

I met my husband 4 years ago. He had lost his licence due to a 2 DUI's. He was just within a few months of getting them back. He drinks occasionally but he doesn't drink and drive. Him and this girl that he lived with 9 years ago has 2 girls, ages 11 and 13 now. She has custody of the girls. It was a mutual split up. We got married almost 2 years ago. She took him to court a few times before we were married in 2006. At that time, she told the judge he was an alcoholic and that she didn't like us taking the girls around our friends when we played cards. The judge sided with her and said that he could not drink at all when he had the girls every other weekend. We also could not play cards when they were around. So when holidays came around and the family wanted to sit around playing Tripoly or other games, we had to say no. At the time, my house was across the street from a bar and grill. The judge said that we could not get extended visitation because of where we lived. We are not married and have bought a house in a nice area. Last weekend we took the girls to our hometown picnic. The oldest girl wanted to stay with some friends at a campout that night and she begged until my husband said OK. He didn't get to the picnic until around 9:00 that night. It was hot and he stayed home and did yard work. When he got there, he decided to drink a few beers. He sat in the lawn chair most of the time. When it came about time to go, around 11:30, the olderst daughter came to me and said she was worried about leaving the youngest girl with us since their dad was drinking. I said "you mean you dont trust your her with me and your dad" she said "No" Dads drinking and he isn't suppose to be. I told her that if she was so worried about it, then she shouldn't go to the camp out, she can just come home. She got mad and called her mother with my husbands cell phone. He gave it to her so she can call if she needed us. Her mother came, with the court papers and asks 2 cops to be with her. They told Eric that the mother was there and was concerned about there safety. Eric told then that he has only had 4 beers. I told them that I didn't have any and I was driving. I don't drink. They told Him that they weren't going to lock him up but suggested that we let the mother take them home, so he agreed. My husband loves his girl very much. It broke his heart that his oldest daughter would do that to him. She has been causing a little problem lately. We can tell the her mother has put stuff in her head, turning her against their dad. We have thought about trying to get joint custody to try to stop her from turning the girls against him but we are afraid the court would just laugh, considering how they have treated him in the past. I am worried of what lengths the daughter would go to, if we did get joint custody, to cause trouble for us. We don't know what to do. Does this all seem fair. Could someone please help with some advice. Thank You

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Originally Posted by phyllism61

I met my husband 4 years ago. He had lost his licence due to a 2 DUI's. He was just within a few months of getting them back. He drinks occasionally but he doesnt drink and drive. Him and this girl that he lived with 9 years ago has 2 girls, ages 11 and 13 now. She has custody of the girls. It was a mutual split up. We got married almost 2 years ago. She took him to court a few times before we were married in 2006. At that time, she told the judge he was an alcoholic and that she didnt like us taking the girls around our friends when we played cards. The judge sided with her and said that he could not drink at all when he had the girls every other weekend. We also could not play cards when they were around. So when holidays came around and the family wanted to sit around playing Tripoly or other games, we had to say no. At the time, my house was across the street from a bar and grill. The judge said that we could not get extended visitation because of where we lived. We are not married and have bought a house in a nice area. Last weekend we took the girls to our hometown picnic. The oldest girl wanted to stay with some friends at a campout that night and she begged until my husband said OK. He didnt get to the picnic until around 9:00 that night. It was hot and he stayed home and did yard work. When he got there, he decided to drink a few beers. He sat in the lawn chair most of the time. When it came about time to go, around 11:30, the olderst daughter came to me and said she was worried about leaving the youngest girl with us since thier dad was drinking. I said "you mean you dont trust your her with me and your dad" she said "No" Dads drinking and he isnt suppose to be. I told her that if she was so worried about it, then she shouldnt go to the camp out, she can just come home. She got mad and called her mother with my husbands cell phone. He gave it to her so she can call if she needed us. Her mother came, with the court papers and asks 2 cops to be with her. They told Eric that the mother was there and was concerned about there safety. Eric told then that he has only had 4 beers. I told them that I didnt have any and I was driving. I dont drink. They told Him that they werent going to lock him up but suggested that we let the mother take them home, so he agreed. My husband loves his girl very much. It broke his heart that his oldest daughter would do that to him. She has been causing a little problem lately. We can tell the her mother has put stuff in her head, turning her against their dad. We have thought about trying to get joint custody to try to stop her from turning the girls against him but we are afraid the court would just laugh, considering how they have treated him in the past. I am worried of what lengths the daughter would go to, if we did get joint custody, to cause trouble for us. We dont know what to do. Does this all seem fair. Could someone please help with some advice. Thank You

Here is my concern - why doesn't he not drink when he has the children? It would solve the entire drinking/children problem. Seems like a small price to pay.

Why would the older daughter do that? Maybe she doesn't like the way he acts when he drinks; maybe he frightens her; maybe he's unpleasant to you. I have no idea. She is obviously worried about the safety of her sister when your boyfriend is drinking - I don't know what the past history has been, what she has witnessed. She told you she was worried.

Is there another agenda here? I don't know and I guess you don't either. Have you tried counselling?

But I would suggest that he solve the problem by simply not drinking when the children are with him. If he will not or cannot I would be concerned.

Problem solved.

I understand that the court order says that he cannot drink when he has the children, and if the older daughter is concerned about his drinking and leaving her little sister there, I would think that the biological mother had every right to come get the children and take them home. If I were her, I would file for contempt to court order and he would probably lose any visitations with the daughters until he attends AA and gets his act together about drinking.

Has he thought about filing for full custody ? If so then he should request from the courts a parental evaluation. That way they can get to the bottom of any accusations. It does sound like the mother is trying to put the kids in the middle and that's very sad and extremely harmful to the children. Why did the police want to arrest him ? Did they say he was drunk in public ? It sounds like a scare tactic to me. It was the easy way out for the cops to just lie about things just to get the mom off their back. I agree with judy that if it says not to be drinking when they are around then he shouldn't. And as far as cards or board games goes that's too vague and excessive the courts aren't really allowed to cross that line. Good Luck.

Maybe I should have made myself a little clearer. Hes not an alcoholic. He had a few beers after working out in the yard. The court made that ruling about 3 years ago, because his ex said he was. She hasn't been with him for 9 years. People change. I asked the oldest daughter why she would feel scared. She just says, I don't know, but he's not suppose to drink. I said, had he ever done anything to hurt you and she said no. He is not a violent man. He is more lovable when he has a few beers. That's why I am so confused about her actions. Thanks for you replys

Oh, and the police did not want to arrest him. And they didn't arrest him. They knew he wasn't drunk. But there hands were tied over the court order. Thanks

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Originally Posted by phyllism61

Maybe I should have made myself a little clearer. Hes not an alcoholic. He had a few beers after working out in the yard. The court made that ruling about 3 years ago, because his ex said he was. She hasnt been with him for 9 years. People change. I asked the oldest daughter why she would feel scared. She just says, I dont know, but hes not suppose to drink. I said, had he ever done anything to hurt you and she said no. He is not a violent man. He is more lovable when he has a few beers. Thats why I am so confused about her actions. Thanks for you replys

Whether he's lovable or not lovable, whether he had a few beers after working out in the yard - it's what the Court ordered. He doesn't have to be violent and his daughter owes you no explanation. It's Court ordered. On one hand you don't understand why his ex and children say this about him; on the other you say "people change." So maybe once upon a time there was a problem?

Why they ordered it is of no importance. It's a Court Order.

Again - he can't skip the "few beers" when he has his children with him?

And my other thought - and it's merely free advice and probably worth just that - I am alarmed by people who change when they drink, who become "more lovable." I hope you aren't wearing blinders.

He can always go back into Court, explain the unfairness of what was initially ordered, present evidence and asked that the Court Order be changed so he is allowed to drink in the presence of his children.

Its hard to give the whole picture in just this short paragraph, but I should mention, that she admitted to drinking in front of her children, right in the court room. She said it was her house and she could do what she wanted too because she wasn't an alcoholic. He has never gotten violent or angry, whether he drinks or not. As far as him changing, I don't know if 'He changed". I didn't know him 9 years ago. But I do know he was never happy being with her. But he was happy having his girls. This judge has always sided with her on everything. I guess I am wondering, are there limits, or is there such a thing as the judge crossing the line and going to far. If so, is there anything that can be done. Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by phyllism61

Its hard to give the whole picture in just this short paragraph, but I should mention, that she admitted to drinking in front of her children, right in the court room. She said it was her house and she could do what she wanted too because she wasnt an alcoholic. He has never gotten violent or angry, whether he drinks or not. As far as him changing, I dont know if 'He changed". I didnt know him 9 years ago. But I do know he was never happy being with her. But he was happy having his girls. This judge has always sided with her on everything. I guess I am wondering, are there limits, or is there such a thing as the judge crossing the line and going to far. If so, is there anything that can be done. Thanks

Yes, go back into Court and change the Order. And, no, no one is going to censure the Judge over an informed, legal opinion.

When you said, "People change" I thought you were referring to him. Were you referring to her?

- confused