Ask Me Help Desk - Is he worth the wait?

Is he worth the wait?

I have been friends with a handsome, intelligent man I work with for 4 years now. I know he has a lot of emotional baggage - messy divorce, history of untreated depression - but so have I. He is in his late fifities, I just turned fifty.

Nothing has ever happened between us, but there is a lot of chemistry. It started two years ago and I thought something would happen, but nothing did. Ditto for last year. We met yesterday and had a good time together as friends. I know he wants to take it further, but he withdraws as soon as he admits we have something going for us.

He is not the first man I have met after my divorce to withdraw like that, so maybe there is something wrong with me. Should I give him time or move on? I do have feelings for him.

Viol,

Have you discuss your feelings with him? If not, then why? If you sit back and wait you never know how long the wait will be.

Also, if you work with him be careful because if it don't work out remember your work together because some work and some don't.

Work relationships seldom work, and cause more trouble than they are worth in the long run. Widen your social circle away from work, and enjoy meeting new people, would be far more rewarding than someone at work, who has baggage.

Liz,

We have very rarely discussed our feelings, but it has happened. We both agree there is something between us, but we have never taken it further. I don´t know why. I´m scared of it too.

Talaniman, I am currently working on that. I really do want to meet new people and I´m hoping that my social life will change in the fall with new projects.

I don´t want to sit back and wait, but in the final analysis, when I compare him with other men I meet and go out with, I must say he is the one I like the most.

He is scared of relationships, gets deeply depressed and withdraws from time to time, but when I´ve told myself "This is it - he´s out", he charms me again.

I wonder if he´s one of those charmers who cannot deliver. I don´t want to waste my time. To be honest, I don´t think he´s capable of being in a relationship. How do I really let go of him?

Violet

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet31

I have been friends with a handsome, intelligent man

Is it me? Just kidding I couldn't resist.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet31

I work with for 4 years now.

I can tell you first hand, I just came from a relationship with a woman who works in my same building and we are the contacts between our two businesses. It's great when things go well but when they crash, things aren't so great anymore and it's both akward and it can ruin your entire day from just running into them. If he has had that experience before it may be the reason he's pulling back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet31

I know he has a lot of emotional baggage - messy divorce, history of untreated depression - but so have I. He is in his late fifities, I just turned fifty.

That may be another reason he's pulling back. So you've listed two reasons already and you are some how turning this around on yourself. By the way, I'm not saying he's wrong, I'm just saying if these reasons are accurate, he is being reasonable to hold back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet31

Nothing has ever happened between us, but there is a lot of chemistry. It started two years ago and I thought something would happen, but nothing did. Ditto for last year. We met yesterday and had a good time together as friends. I know he wants to take it further, but he withdraws as soon as he admits we have something going for us.

Just out of curisity, how do you know that? Maybe he just wants to be friends and you are the one assuming otherwise, which is why he pulls back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet31

He is not the first man I have met after my divorce to withdraw like that, so maybe there is something wrong with me.

Perhaps there is. What do you think that would be, and is it correctable. Is there a time that is consistent when the men pull back. In other words do you have a pattern of behavior that happens and when it does, is that the time they pull back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet31

Should I give him time or move on? I do have feelings for him.

Viol,

My problem is I'm the nice guy. Once I revert to it, the pattern happens all over again no matter who the woman. If you can identify what is making men pull back on your own then I suggest leaving him be. I'm not sure if he'd tell you anyway out of fear of hurting your feelings but if you think he would be honest, I'd suggest actually asking him. Maybe some constructive critism might put you on track to changing the problem behavior.

OK nip it in the bud and get balls and go ask him to have a seat and let you know where he is at in life and wants to go and how he views you.

Chuff,

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, maybe it´s you, who knows? :)

"Just out of curisity, how do you know that? Maybe he just wants to be friends and you are the one assuming otherwise, which is why he pulls back."

I do know he wants more than friendship, because he has kissed me (on the mouth), embraced me, complemented me on my looks, my perfume and my clothes. When there is a function or we go out with friends, he wants to be near me all the time.

And finally: He has told me that I excite him sexually.

That´s as far as he has gone, but it´s more than friendship in my experience. I´ve had two husbands, some live-in lovers and two funerals. I do know what effect I have on him sexually.

I know I have been mean to him lately, because I want to forget about him, but when he reappears and start charming me all over again, I get really frustrated. I want him to stay away and I have shown him that, but he keeps coming back.

Now I don´t know if I should be kind to him again and find out what happens, or if I should just tell him honestly that I´m really trying to get over him. How about it?

YuYackan, his name is not Marck. Neither of us are American. We´re from Scandinavia. I hope you´ll feel better soon. :)

Violet

Well I think I might be in the minority here, but I think you should flat out ask him why he keeps pulling back. Maybe he has a very good reason, which I think he must and I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Even if he says he's not interested, you have a reason given and it will help you move forward because you can finally put an answer to this question.

He might be afraid to take it a step further because of your working together. This thought could have enter his head.

Omg I swear your like an online stalker! We have answerd the same things!!

NO! DO NOT GO OUT WITH A CO-WORKER...

Usually, the relationship dies out cause both sides talk about the business...
You two should find a way so both of you aren't in the same work place...

Quote:

Originally Posted by yuyachan

omg i swear ur like an online stalker! we have answerd the same exact things!!!

Nobody never stated that HE might not want to get involved with her due to them working together. SHE was advised on why its not a bad idea to get involve with someone at work. Maybe you should go back and reread everything, then tell me I'm wrong.

Secondly, why don't you list other questions that I answered as you because I only found 2.

I don't go around stalker people online nor in person and when a question catchs my eyes and I feel I can give any advice I do, if not I don't answer. If you don't want other people to answered any questions, maybe you should not answer because sometimes people answer the same question more than once.

Hi YuYachan,

Thanks for your help, but please be careful with your comments. Liz was good enough to answer my question and she does not deserve to be referred to as a "stalker online". I know you want to help and I appreciate it, but comments such as these can easily anger people.

Hi Liz and Hjpan,

Many people have been advising me not to go out with a co-worker, but we don´t work together all the time. I have more than one job and so has he. We do meet every week, but if he would be assertive and tell me what he really wants, we could easily work around it. He also needs to go abroad for work so we don´t see each other all the time.

I´m quite tired of this dilemma and feel the need to take some kind of action. I´ve been seeing two other men socially, but there is no chemistry. I can only feel it with him. It seems he´s happy sitting next to me, touching me, occasionally kissing me and then just leave.

I whish I knew how to to break this chemistry and I wonder if someone knows how to or can give some advice?

Best, Violet

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violet31

Hi YuYachan,

Thanks for your help, but please be careful with your comments. Liz was good enough to answer my question and she does not deserve to be referred to as a "stalker online". I know you want to help and I appreciate it, but comments such as these can easily anger people.

Hi Liz and Hjpan,

Many people have been advising me not to go out with a co-worker, but we don´t work together all the time. I have more than one job and so has he. We do meet every week, but if he would be assertive and tell me what he really wants, we could easily work around it. He also needs to go abroad for work so we don´t see each other all the time.

I´m quite tired of this dilemma and feel the need to take some kind of action. I´ve been seeing two other men socially, but there is no chemistry. I can only feel it with him. It seems he´s happy sitting next to me, touching me, occasionally kissing me and then just leave.

I whish I knew how to to break this chemistry and I wonder if someone knows how to or can give some advice?

Best, Violet

Regardless of chemistry or not, co-worker relationships will not be good at all.
Others will start gossips... rumors... trash-talk etc.

Chemistry is great if you can get it, but good common sense is much better, as you can deal with things from the facts you know in a realistic way, and not act just on feelings. Chemistry may attract you, but it has never made any one happy.
From what you have written, You have the chemistry, and assume he feels the same, but that's not what his actions say. He sniffs your perfume, but doest take the cake.
Don't obsess over his chemistry, or change your perfume.

Thanks for all your replies. :)

It seems from most of the answers I get is that this guy is not worth the wait (to make up his mind, I presume), so I better let him go.

I was thinking about avoiding him both at work and at social functions. Be nice and friendly, of course, but not having lunch/dinner with him anymore or letting him sit next to me at social gatherings. No movies with him anymore. Would that be a good idea?

Violet