Ask Me Help Desk - Found out I have to Live with my Ex next schoolyear.

I got some kind of troubling news today... my girlfriend and I have been broken up for 3 weeks and we haven't talked in more than a week... we're both in the same scholarship organization and go to the same school, everyone in this group except for the freshmen and sophomore girls live in the same house... ill be a junior so I figured I wouldn't have to deal with living with her for at least another year, however I find out today that we're moving to a different building this year with a higher capacity and that everyone will be living there including her meaning her room will be about 30 seconds from me, great! not really... im studying abroad this fall thankfully and won't have to deal with this until January so I hope things settle down by then and that I get over her and things aren't weird, its just the way things have been so far I'm kind of worried, we have hardly talked at all and if things continue like this, I won't be looking too forward to out living arrangements. We made it clear that we were going to stay good friends especially because of our situation and the fact that we would see each other often. But now I will be practically seeing her all the time, and the way things are going she's making nor much effort at all to stay friends. Don't get me wrong, not talking to her has made things much better for me. But still, half of me wishes she would make some effort to talk, not all the time so that would be annoying, just something to show that she cares. So basically what I'm asking is I know this is normal for people getting over a breakup (no contact) but now more than ever I want to maintain a friendship because I don't want to make things awkward or create a rift among all my friends. I plan on continuing the no contact until she feels the need to talk, but is this normal for people that plan on staying as friends? Should I expect more or for the time being just not worry about this?

Most couples that break up say they are going to be friends to cushion the blow. I know very few people that actually stayed friends. Now this does not mean that you guys can't be civil to one another. Greet her when you see her, maintain eye contact, and if she doesn't intiate a conversation leave it at that. Simple. Don't talk bad about or to her. Don't start a fire. Just let the flames dye out. Good luck to you.

Where are you studying abroad at?

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Originally Posted by pwtnu4

she's making nor much effort at all to stay friends.

Women say that, because it let's you down easier and they want you to be the good little puppy who listens to there problems in the future. I woudn't remain friends with her, just be polite (and yes this will be difficult, at first)

Quote:

Originally Posted by pwtnu4

Don't get me wrong, not talking to her has made things much better for me. But still, half of me wishes she would make some effort to talk, not all the time so that would be annoying, just something to show that she cares.

Stop right there. I'm going to side with her a little. It's not her job to show she cares. That's as far as I'm siding with her. The reality is I can tell your still hung up on her, and that's cool, it's natural but she is not worrying about you so now you don't have to worry about her. This will take some work but focus on yourself now, and if she creeps into your mind feel free to tell yourself, "I'll think about her later, I need to focus on this in front of me." That lets your brain know she's no longer a priority and she can be put off until later. If you keep doing this enough, she will be put off forever.

Furthermore, her not talking to you is helping you. This lets you move forward, with out having to be reminded of her all the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pwtnu4

So basically what I'm asking is i know this is normal for people getting over a breakup (no contact) but now more than ever I want to maintain a friendship b/c I don't want to make things awkward or create a rift among all my friends.

Maintaining a friendship is not your problem or responsibility. If you don't want to, you don't. I'm not saying be rude to her if you see her but at the same time, don't go out of your way to be her friend. That's not your job so don't assume the role. She isn't assuming the role of friend for you, so give her the same treatment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pwtnu4

I plan on continuing the no contact until she feels the need to talk, but is this normal for people that plan on staying as friends?

You are NOT friends. Quite honestly, you are her toy monkey at this point. She can wind you and tell you whatever and you believe it. She is not your friend, so do not go out of your way to do anything for her that you would a friend. Just be sweet and short with her and then leave when you see her.

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Originally Posted by pwtnu4

Should I expect more or for the time being just not worry about this?

You should not worry about this. She is not a priority in your life, do not make her one.

When we broke up, it was veryyyy emotional for both of us and she made it pretty clear that she wanted to maintain a pretty good friendship. I understand that this is often a way to make things end easier when a relationship is over... its just the way things ended it didn't seem like this was the case. Maybe I'm just relatively new to the dating game (she's my 2nd girlfriend) and that almost makes me innocent or that I'm an idealist I guess, but it just seems amazing to me how one can go from truly caring about someone for so long (if not as your partner in a relationship but as a friend, which I know she did at the breakup) to becoming completely indifferent to the person. I mean I know it's best to do the no contact deal for a while like we're doing, but I still don't see how you can go to the point of not caring about someone. I'll say it right now that I'm not completely over her but I'm slowly getting there and have made a lot of progress but I still want to maintain a friendship and I believe I will even after I'm over her.

Oh yea, and I'm going to be in Prague for the fall. I'm really looking forward to it especially with everything that's been going on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pwtnu4

Maybe I'm just relatively new to the dating game (she's my 2nd girlfriend) and that almost makes me innocent or that I'm an idealist I guess, but it just seems amazing to me how one can go from truly caring about someone for so long (if not as your partner in a relationship but as a friend, which i know she did at the breakup) to becoming completely indifferent to the person.

I know where you're coming from. I, too, would call myself pretty new to the dating game. I've never been in a long-term, serious relationship (commitment freaks me out to be frank :eek:), but I do know that your ex's so-called "indifference" is merely a part of the "moving on" process. You two are over. You can't have the same sort of expectations that you had while you two were dating. She's not being indifferent and you shouldn't look at it that way. Also, just because two people like and/or love each other does not mean it's going to work out (story of my life). I remember one break-up where we were both very very emotional and I was almost to the point of tears. We probably clung to each other for 40 minutes declaring how much were were going to miss each other :rolls eyes:, but guess what? We just weren't going to work out. Fortunately, life continues. Hence, the break-up and moving on. It sucks, doesn't it. :(

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Originally Posted by pwtnu4

Oh yea, and I'm gonna be in Prague for the fall. I'm really lookin forward to it especially with everything that's been going on.

FANTASTIC. Physical distance is always good.

You'll get there, don't worry. Stay strong!
-J

Make your peace and make it with distance. Continue with NC and it will be fine by January

Thanks guys... I just want to know though if anyone personally has been in or knows someone that has been in the same situation as me where there is pretty much no contact for a while after the breakup but they remain pretty good friends later on (because I literally will be seeing her all the time for the next 2 years, at least while I'm in school)... I'm relatively over the stage where I want to get her back as a girlfriend although it still hurts so I know it can't happen yet for me, but I want to and think we can remain good friends

I found out today that whoever's in charge is scrapping the idea of letting frosh and soph girls living in the same house I will be in next year... yay! I'll still see her pretty often but not all the time... Day 15 of no contact for me, this is such a roller coaster of emotions, ugh... once day good, next not so good

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Originally Posted by pwtnu4

Day 15 of no contact for me, this is such a roller coaster of emotions, ugh...once day good, next not so good

They get better my friend. You will have the ups and downs that's normal but eventually you'll get that thought, "Hey, I haven't thought about her in days" and when you do that's an awesome feeling. Something I might suggest, when her thoughts come into your mind, tell yourself "let me focus on this now, and I can think about her in an hour." Doing that tells your brain that the thoughts are okay, so you are not fighting them but right now your focus needs to be elsewhere. Furthermore, it puts off thinking about the ex... and if your scatter brained like me that hour turns into two or three. When ever she comes up again, repeat the procedure.