I have been friends w/ Sue for 3 years. She has two daughters, 14 and 9. The older of the two had been sexually active for the last year. Recently she became devirginized. My friend is TOTALLY against her daughter having sex of ANY kind, (as am I, however teens go behind the parents back... and I believe in protecting the child from sexually trans. Diseases and pregnancy. In the case that it's applicable, unfortunately). Her daughter continues on behind her back. Sue asked me a year ago to tell her all the things that her daughter, Kendra, confides to me about her relationship w/ this boy Joe. Every time I tell Sue what her daughter is up to she punishes the kid. I feel so bad for the girl. The worst of it is that Sue continues to let Kendra spend time with her boyfriend, all the while fooling around. Sue said she'd let him visit in the house but she swore up and down that she'd never leave them alone. EVERY TIME he's over they have oral sex. Sue goes to empty the dish washer or what not and the teens go at it! I CONSTANTLY tell Sue to put her daughter on some kind of contraception, but Sue just gets upset w/ me and says "no! she's too young for sex. She won't do it!" I tell her all the time how they are having oral sex even though the child has been told that she is not allowed. Recently Kendra had lost her virginity and now Sue blames me for not telling her. I just couldn't keep on betraying the daughter because I like her so much and Sue has never done anything productive over the information that I'd been giving her about Kendra anyhow. I have not felt very close to Sue and her closed mind. I just cannot respect a woman who won't protect her child! Did I do wrong? Should I have told her that her daughter is officially having sex? I believe that she will never put the child on any protection of ANY kind no matter what info the woman knows. I have lost her friendship recently because she found out that I was keeping info from her. She feels I lied to her. I don't regret it, but am I wrong?:confused: :confused: (P.S: Let me just add that I am absolutely not OK with teens having sex. I just KNOW that if they go ahead behind our backs and do it anyway I feel that the boy OR girl should have protection to keep them from S.T.D.'s and pregnancy).

A. I would tell Sue that she doesn't want to wake up to what you do tell her anyway
B. IF she wants to know what her daughter is doing SHE IS the one in the same house closing her eyes to it and it is not your responsibility to be put in the middle.
C. You see no reason to tell her anything since she doesn't do anything to work it out, even denying it, and would rather punish the daughter.

You are not wrong for not telling the mother and you should not get involved in any way, shape or form. Sounds like she does not want to take personal responsibility because she likes to be in denial and in the dark. I have seen moms that do not want to take the blame for stuff and then take it out on the kid. Like they will tell a 2 yr old do not go out in the street and then not even supervise them. Then somebody knocks on the door and tells them your kid almost got hit by a car and the mom whips the kid. Then it becomes a pattern throughout the kids life for mom to punish for what they are not doing themselves as a parent.


Tell the daughter to go talk to the school nurse.

I don't feel you betrayed sue. You gave her the information and she chose to ignore it. It doesn't sound like sue has a good relationship with her daughter. Thank goodness the girl can come to you. I would keep the communication line open between you and the daughter because they way it is going she is going to need someone to talk to about some stuff and at least she would have you.

Thank you nohelp4u and path. Sue told me that she never wants to speak to me again ever and that I am not allowed to go anywhere near her kids ever again or she'll take me to court. (I can't imagine what for though!). I just feel really bad that we are no longer friends over what her daughter is up to in her life. I also, about 6 months ago, told the daughter that her mom is reading her chat logs on her msn because I felt so bad that this kid was having no life the more her mom found things out. I feel really that I betrayed Kendra and not Sue, in the end because Sue is such a bad decision maker, (with the info I gave to her). I really am guilt ridden over having shared ANYTHING with Sue! And I know for a fact that Sue told Kendra that I was the one that told her everything, (which I never told her all of it.. ). Now Kendra feel betrayed. I would never have betrayed the child if I knew her mother would go in the direction she did. I assumed that Sue would either keep the boy away at all cost or put her child on protection of some kind. HOW WRONG COULD I BE?? I'm mad at myself for staying involved. I was sure in the end that Sue would do the right thing. Now all I did was get involved like a "nosy nose", help to ruin a mom and daughter relationship, (cus Sue would have been kept in the dark by Kendra and their relationship would have been kept in tact), and last but not least... I estranged myself from a woman that I'll have to see so much come the school year because we both volunteer at the school. I'm a wreck!

I have a friend who's mom is just like you're friend sue. She closes her eyes to everything he does and thinks he's an angel. Ironically enough she's a counselor and child therapist. Go figure. People like that won't open their eyes and chances are she'll continue to live in her own little world. It's great that you cared for her daughter's health and all, but something's you can't change. Unfortunately this is one battle you just couldn't win.

Thanks Andrew916 for taking time out to comment. I am a wreck over the fact that I'll be seeing this woman all school year that's upcoming! I'm so upset about what in the world she might of said to Kendra about what I'd been telling her. This kid is going to feel betrayed so much by me. I hate that most of all. Another dumb thing that's nagging and nagging is how in the name of G-d am I going to survive this woman at school. She's very popular amongst the faculty. I am so sure Sue will make me pay. HELP!

It seems like you ar edefinately stressing over this. When I'm stressing over life's troubles (my GF broke up with me a couple days ago) reflect on what the Desiderata says-

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
And remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
And listen to others,
Even to the dull and the ignorant;
They too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
They are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
You may become vain or bitter,
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
Be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
Whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
In the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Thanks you andrew916. I am not sure WHO that "prophet" is. I need to Google it. Surprisingly enough I have a tendency to behave in such an mannor that forgiveness befalls me quite quickly. I am generally a happy person, making lemons into lemonade easily... however, because this issue is ongoing and UPCOMING (and often having to be in the company of sue), I am feeling more anxiety than I usually would. She won't give me closure. Not that I am really entitled to the type of closure that would be easiest for me (which would be a last phone call. She won't pick up the phone to me. She said goodbye in a horrid fashion as rude as can be!). I suppose I can find another way to find closure, I'm working on that now. All my friends tell me to walk away from her all her drama and neglect of her teen. I am getting closure from my friends... which is not enough it turns out for me. I am trying to find another way. I still have worries that the daughter feels betrayed by me. I feel bad. I try to keep these feelings at bay. I struggle mostly with the fear of what Sue will be sharing w/ the faculty this upcoming school year and how that will reflect on me. She's very well liked... I am not as popular. So, I know I am reacting childishly really and I need to grow some strength... I'm still looking for some. :P

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

**edit that is the poem andrew posted

Thanks nohelp4u, I'll Google that today! Xo

Oh, for goodness sakes, I just got off the phone w/ a mutual friend of Sue and I... and she told me that Sue feels betrayed because she feels that I lied to her. She says that I lied to her and told her that I didn't tell Kendra that Sue was reading her msn log chats. Honestly, I don't really remember anymore. I think Sue is right. I also want to reiterate that I stand behind that decision. Yes, I probably did lie to Sue. The truth is... the more I would tell Sue about the get togethers Kendra was having w/ her boyfriend, (not to mention all the oral sex that was going on... and quickly leading to "relations"!), the more she would punish the child. INSTEAD OF PROTECTING HER FROM GETTING PREGNANT OR STD'S! Sue would punish her by not letting her leave the house or keeping her friendships w/ her friends at bay... not by not letting her boyfriend come over and fool around while Sue was doing chores in the house... or leaving the home, which is vertually what ended up happening and how Kendra lost her virginity, in the end. Sue is going around telling all our mutual school peers (ALREADY!), what a liar I am and how I helped orchastrate her daughter's devirginization! Did I really have a hand in that?? I am so upsetttttttt!!

All you can do is tell people your side of the story when they tell you ''Sue told me'' or
''I heard that you''. Sue will never see your side of things so you would be better off talking to the wall until you are blue in the face. I think maybe even having a one time talk with the daughter to let her know that it is not your wish to ignore or avoid her but you are trying to respect her moms wish to not associate with her. Let her know that you did not want things to end up like this but you felt mom stuck you in the middle and you were trying to juggle trying to choose which was the right thing to do.
Sue wants to blame somebody and it is easiest and most convenient for her to place the blame on you rather than her or her daughter.

I wonder if this will register on the thread, last time I responded, which was 10 minutes ago... it didn't register. This is a test. If it works sorry you all had to read this... :(

Thanks nohelp4u. I rated your answer and I am very thankful that you are taking time out of your day to keep on responding to this silly dilema of mine. I know I am harping on it... but I see that NOW it's beginning to snowball. People LOVE to gossip in this town I live, I suppose they love gossiping everywhere, huh? I just am very surprised that in the end of this relationship w/ Sue that I became the bad guy. After all I'd done to help her w/ all of her woes. She's divorced and her ex was horrid to her. I helped the woman through all of her agony. I just feel so used and betrayed. Yes, I FEEL BETRAYED. I wish she could be more trusting of me and know that I never had anything but her daughter's best interest at heart!

Becoming the bad guy when you are the third person is like I said she wants to blame somebody and it is easiest and most convenient for her to place the blame on you rather than her or her daughter.
I see it when a couple breaks up and a third party takes a side and is supportive when the one says stuff like "that no good so and so I don't know why I stayed with him so long when ever he......" The third party supportive person listens and agrees and is supportive. Then the couple gets together and they tell the 'no good so and so' that the third party said this that and the other thing about them. Then they both leave the third person as the bad guy they don't want anything to do with.

Some people just can't (or refuse) to accept the reality of their situations and the role they play. Often times, if people don't like what they see- they try to alter it by scapegoating or spreading false statements to change the views of many people. It's important to keep in mind that perception is reality. If she influences how others perceive the situation, her truth may become their truth. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

-drew

Well, the rumors are REALLY beginning to fly around now. I have already heard 3 people going on about how I coersed Kendra into having relations w/ her boyfriend... and if it weren't for me and all the sweet conversations I'd had w/ the child about her boyfriend, (because Kendra would talk for HOURS about her boyfriend and how much she loves him.. ), she wouldn't have gone so far w/ him. It seems that I have become the culprit that led Kendra into this path of seduction, (:O). So far it is coming back to me like I did something very wrong. I wish I would NEVER have told Sue ANYTHING from the start. MY mistake was trusting that she'd do the right thing... or that she'd do SOMETHING. :( (You live you learn... sometimes the hard way:()

This woman's daughter has been saying that's she's going to ruin my daughter's life in high school now because Sue told her that she got all her info from me... like I was a "snitch", rather a good friend that was "solicited" by Sue to help her. I have been really used. I feel like the child thinks I betrayed just because I'm an awful person w/ nothing better to do. Now my daughter will suffer the consequence. Her daughter is very mean... and now she's very very ANGRY. What have I done?? I hate myself right now :(