Ask Me Help Desk - Been Awhile, what to think?

Hey guys, its definitely been awhile since I have posted on here, but I knew with a question like this you all are the best people I could ask lol.

So, at work there is a new employee (about 2-3 months old now give or take) And I helped train her, and work with her in the same department all the time.

And she is great, I mean just wow lol. We get along REALLY well, better then any other two people I know. Thing is, she has a boyfriend, and I think I have grown some pretty good feelings for her.

Now I am not the type of guy to try and steal a girl away, or 'play' friend when things are bad to win the girl. Maybe I should be, or what not, but I'm a friend first...

Well a lot of people from work went out one night, and we hung out, she brought her boyfriend... it was a fun night and he seemed like a cool guy.

So she is always talking to me, winking at me playfully etc. So I figured it's just really friendly. But then on a day off she called me and told me her and her boyfriend are having a big problem... I am the only one she told the story to, to my knowledge.

So then she comes out with the rest of us from work this last Wednesday, without the boyfriend to a country kind of bar/club... it was a really really good night lol. We danced and danced the last couple of songs for the night. Then I took her home. (no frisky business)

Well I decided to tell her how I felt, so I told her, but made sure to let her know I am perfectly fine being just her friend since she has a boyfriend. I don't want to make things awkward at work or ruin our friendship. Well the next few times we worked together and she got down about her relationship, she talked to me, laid her head on my shoulder etc...

She called me from work one night asking why I didn't stay late, cause she wanted to work with me...

I don't know I feel like I am getting mixed signals, and maybe she doesn't realize she is doing it. And I am not trying to do anything to encourage anything, just being myself, the same as with everyone. But a few other friends of mine are saying she seems like a 'tease' or just likes the attention... So I don't know. My question? What does that all seem like?

Oh and her and boyfriend are doing the whole "see what happens one more time" thing. So they are still together.

I like her a lot, but I am not about to be a hypocrite and try to steal her away when I know how it felt when that happened to me. She is my friend first, and I'm trying to let things progress naturally and just see what happens. But it would be nice to know lol... and I can't ask her straight out because it might do exactly what I said I wouldn't do... make things awkward you know?

K that's it, kind of long winded lol

There's a possibility that she has genuine feelings for you but just happens to be in a relationship, but it's also possible that she loves the attention she gets from you. It seems like you're kind of getting mixed signals and that's never fun :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by aliciag940

There's a possibility that she has genuine feelings for you but just happens to be in a relationship, but it's also possible that she loves the attention she gets from you. It seems like you're kind of getting mixed signals and that's never fun :(

Lol exactly what I have been thinking. I can understand if she has feelings for me, and that would make it hard to act just normal, and at the same time not want to show it because of boyfriend... I would rather that be the case. The alternative is she just likes the attention, and while she doesn't seem like that type of girl, I've been fooled before.

So should I ask her straight up? Or maybe have a mutual friend play spy? *sigh* confusing confusing

I think she's sending you mixed signals because she likes the attention. She's still with this guy, and by her telling you all their problems she's giving you a sense of false hope.

Instead of sending a "spy" in just be friends and don't push the subject and see what happens. Maybe even find a different girl to preoccupy your time for now.

Definitely sound advice. I am trying to dial back the attention I seem to be giving her. I mean to me it really doesn't matter if we are friends or more, so I'm satisfied right now being what we are.

What will happen, will happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Delow84

Well I decided to tell her how i felt, so I told her, but made sure to let her know I am perfectly fine being just her friend since she has a bf. I don't want to make things awkward at work or ruin our friendship.

Umm you're sending mixed signals yourself. What situation were you trying to make happen when you tell someone you have feelings for them but being platonic is OK, IF that's what SHE wants? It won't ruin your friendship of course, but there's a personal bubble rule you just don't do with coworkers, and leaning their head on your shoulder starts veering into romantic territory. Very awkward indeed!

She doesn't want you, she just wishes she could be happy and act with her boyfriend the way she hangs around you. Follow Post #4's advice and give your attention to a girl who deserves you and wants to discuss the great relationship you two have instead of the sucky relationship she's in with someone else.

She's playing you, and being dishonest with her boyfriend. Keep your distance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xaiegen

umm you're sending mixed signals yourself. what situation were you trying to make happen when you tell someone you have feelings for them but being platonic is ok, IF that's what SHE wants?

True enough, the reason I told her, is some how it got around work and I didn't want her hearing about it from someone else, and really getting the wrong idea.

But it does seam like she wants to have her cake and eat it to as the saying goes... So I will focus less on her.

I am fine being 'platonic'. Being her friend is the most important thing to me. If she were to ever want more (and was single etc) then we would see what would happen. But I'm not going to be an escape or something when things are rocky with her boyfriend.

Make it clear, out loud, to her that your attraction to her will NOT result in you behaving inappropriately to her, or allowing her to behave inappropriately to you.

Then live by that. No cheating. No tempting at cheating, no late night situations that could end badly. Be a gentleman and stay in control of the situations you allow to develop.

There are no accidents. Don't mess this up. Tell her your feelings, there's not rule against it since she's not married. Then leave it at that.

Whether she likes the attention or you do, stop crossing the line flirting. Head on the shoulder stuff is definitely right ON the line if not already over it.

Stay in control.

I think you may be misunderstanding things as well. Maybe she just sees you as a friend and knows she can be comfortable enough to talk about her relationship problems with you. Keep that in mind, when you and your ex were going through things, did you vent about problems to a member of the opposite sex, lord knows I did, so it could be nothing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Make it clear, out loud, to her that your attraction to her will NOT result in you behaving inappropriately to her, or allowing her to behave inappropriately to you.

Then live by that. No cheating. No tempting at cheating, no late night situations that could end badly. Be a gentleman and stay in control of the situations you allow to develop.

There are no accidents. Don't mess this up. Tell her your feelings, there's not rule against it since she's not married. Then leave it at that.

Whether she likes the attention or you do, stop crossing the line flirting. Head on the shoulder stuff is definitely right ON the line if not already over it.

Stay in control.

Maybe having a serious conversation with her and saying what's what might help the situation.

And of course no cheating. I am so against that it's not even funny. On top of which, if she were to cheat on her boyfriend... I would honestly lose respect for her. I don't want her to cheat, and I don't want to tempt her.

I picked her up to come out to the country bar/club area with the rest of our friends... but there was no awkwardness, or anything close to that. (her boyfriend knew she was coming)

And I need to say something about the flirting. But then like the last post, maybe it's like when you talk to someone of the opposite sex, and your just comfortable...

I have thought about all of that and it's so confusing. (>_<) But better to feel embaressed that I thought the wrong things when I talk to her, then to let the wrong things happen?

Other then dancing the one night, I don't think we ever have much physical contact, short of the brief head on shoulders moment. (and there are other girls at work, bfs and no, that I KNOW are just friends and there is no wierdness, or confusion)

Fair warning, you know nothing about her. I'll bet you didn't get mixed signals until you told her how you felt.

Best I can tell you stay with friends, as you work with her and your fresh from a break up yourself, so steer clear and keep your feelings to yourself and don't fall so deep so fast. She is unavailable, so stay within the boundaries of co-worker, and friend, no matter what happens.

Come on Texas, you know we don't let the attentions of the females make us sloppy. Represent!!!!!!

Thanks Tal, I been getting mixed signals before I told her. But in the end I told her, albeit not directly. Freakin text message. Rather I tell her then someone else at work.

Otherwise we have kept it strictly friends/co workers. Nothing else.

I am almost a year out from my break up, and have dated one or two girls here and there, and she is probably the first that I actually genuinly care about. Go figure she is unavailable. I am good , I learned my lessons, and paid attention to plenty of advice on this site the first time around. I haven't fallen so hard I can't hold back, or recover without being hurt myself.

She is great, but right now she is a great friend period. She embodies a lot of things I hope for in a significant other, but I'm not expecting, nor hoping it will be her.

I am not putting so much attention on her anymore, I am giving about as much as I would give any other friend at work. And while I am 99% sure she has feelings for me as well, I know she won't, and I won't, act on anything while she is with someone else.

Not only would I lose respect for her if she wanted to basically cheat... I am sure she would lose respect for me if I didn't care.

So we are friends, nothing more. I am fine with that, and so is she and that's great. I am not going to be a hipocrit (sorry if I misspelled) and try and take her from her boyfriend, like what was done to me.

Thanks everyone for your advice on this situation! I really appreciate it.

Keep her as just a friend and nothing more. You told her how you feel. If she is interested it should be her that makes the next move. The next move before you go any further is her to have a complete clean break from her boyfriend where they are not going to get back together.
Until then don't take anything she says or does as anything more than her flirting with a friend.