Ask Me Help Desk - Too much affection

Hi all,
This is samiara.my problem is bacially related to my dad.I will explain in brief.
Me and my dad had a normal relation till my schooling. Everything was as normal as it could have been. Few months before I could complete my schooling, I fell seriously ill and was admitted to hospital for around 4 months.during these 4 months there had been several instances when I had close shave to death, and my family was about to lose me. During the whole treatment my dad was with me all the time to take care of me.Before the accident he used to be very busy and could not even talk to me but after the accident we spend a lot of time togather in the hospital.That made us come emotionally closer.
Afterwards, I felt he grew extracaring and overprotective for me.Even for my higher studies he didn't let me go.He wants me to stay with him only, even if it costs my career and my dreams.Not also this I have also realise that he don't want me to get married just because he feels that he will not be able to live without me. He emotionally blackmails me.I love him too much and I cannot heart him so I have been enduring all pain. I am not happy with the way my life is going on as this is crushing my career and my social life.I had talked to him about this issue that his love for me suffocates and I am not happy by all of his decision.
I think I cannot explain but even then.PLease help me.

I would be interested to know about other family members in this scenario, mother, siblings, etc. Bottom line is if you stay you are being an enabler and your course will not change as he will continue to emotionally blackmail you.

One thing you need to keep in mind is you are not showing disrespect by pursuing your life and career. He chose to help you when you needed help but he is your father, not your life mate. Children are given to us to love, nurture, teach and prepare them to face the future, confident that they can accomplish anything they set their mind to do. Part of being a good parent is being able to let that child go when the time comes for them to pursue their life and become an effective person helping others and achieving their dreams. As a parent, I can tell you, it is difficult. I love my two children more than life itself but because I do, I had to let them grow up, leave home, continue their education, find love, careers, marry and have children. How rich my life is. YES, I would have liked to have kept them with me forever but that is not what is suppose to be.

Your dad is fulfilling his emotional needs through you. I encourage you not to enable him to do this to you. It is not doing him a favor by staying in the situation. You will both be locked in... I know part of his feeling may be fear of losing you. We had death threats on my children. I was terrified I would lose them, not knowing day to day if I would ever see them alive again when they left for school, etc. It was a battle. The Mama Bear in me wanted to fight anything and everything that would threaten my children but I had to do it in such a manner that their lives were not disabled or put on hold. I had to take precautions for their safety but also had to let go, little by little. Even after the trauma of two years past, it was still difficult to watch them drive out of our driveway. I did though and so must your dad.

You have a right to have a life and a career. You are not showing disrespect by doing so... please keep that in mind.

Thanks for your reply. For your information I have 2 brothers and one sister and my mom in my family.Both brothers are elder to me and my sister is younger to me.
Also many times I tried to talk to him over this issue but find useless. Either he don't listen to me or gets emotional. As I don't want to heart him, I am avoiding any such kind of talk.I try my level best to get detached myself from him.But I love him and can't do so.He is imposing his liking and disliking on every thing like food, cloth, colour of clothes, subject to study; even he don't want me to have any male friend and he forces me to keep distance from my female friends.I am eating what he wants, I wear what he wants me to, I have a day schedule fixed by him and a m bound to follow it.I feel like I'm living his life.
Please tell me what can I do to get MY LIFE back? How should I tackle the situation?What should be my aproach.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrebel7

I would be interested to know about other family members in this scenario, mother, siblings, etc. Bottom line is if you stay you are being an enabler and your course will not change as he will continue to emotionally blackmail you.

One thing you need to keep in mind is you are not showing disrespect by pursuing your life and career. He chose to help you when you needed help but he is your father, not your life mate. Children are given to us to love, nurture, teach and prepare them to face the future, confident that they can accomplish anything they set their mind to do. Part of being a good parent is being able to let that child go when the time comes for them to pursue their life and become an effective person helping others and achieving their dreams. As a parent, I can tell you, it is difficult. I love my two children more than life itself but because I do, I had to let them grow up, leave home, continue their education, find love, careers, marry and have children. How rich my life is. YES, I would have liked to have kept them with me forever but that is not what is suppose to be.

Your dad is fulfilling his emotional needs through you. I encourage you not to enable him to do this to you. It is not doing him a favor by staying in the situation. You will both be locked in........I know part of his feeling may be fear of losing you. We had death threats on my children. I was terrified I would lose them, not knowing day to day if I would ever see them alive again when they left for school, etc. It was a battle. The Mama Bear in me wanted to fight anything and everything that would threaten my children but I had to do it in such a manner that their lives were not disabled or put on hold. I had to take precautions for their safety but also had to let go, little by little. Even after the trauma of two years past, it was still difficult to watch them drive out of our driveway. I did though and so must your dad.

You have a right to have a life and a career. You are not showing disrespect by doing so...please keep that in mind.

Surely your dad's behavior has been noted by your mother and siblings! What do they have to say about it? Is your dad elderly to the point, he might be having some cognitive issues, dementia, etc. or some other health problem that has changed his personality?

He is obsessed with you, no doubt. I am not the one to say why. Others will post later than can give you more information than I and perhaps better suggestions. His getting emotional is a way of controlling you possibly. I have a relative that use to pass out and fall to the floor if his daughter's stood up to him in a confrontation. That was his way of making them feel bad and making them fall into line.

Talk to your mother, your siblings, ask them to help you in your endeavor to move on with your life.

You have to make a decision whether you are going to allow your dad to continue to take over your life and cripple you emotionally, socially, etc. or are you going to move on. Many times once a person has stood their ground, the person trying to control, realizing they can no longer do that, either begins trying to control another person or just simply accepts the change. I would visit with your mother to see if there could be a health problem with your dad first. I would not want to tell you to do this or that and then later find out your father was ill because a person would handle each situation a little differently, in order to have the same outcome.

Talk to your family in private and then get back with us... they may be able to shed more light on the subject than we ever could because they know him. Keep in touch!

I can almost feel your pain, and his also, as he almost lost you, and he is doing all he can to keep you close under his protection. I understand having a daughter myself.

The hardest thing for a father is to let go, and on this you must be firm and take a stand. He will protest, and use anything he can to keep you where you are, but that's where you must be strong and independent, and not be swayed by any argument he comes up with.

Your mom can be a great help, if she is on your side, but please however you go about this, do it with love, and let him know you will always love him, but you are going to make your own decisions, and choices.

I suspect you are not American, and maybe your culture makes this difficult, and in that case a respect older family member, can be of assistance.

I wish you the best.

He is displaying very controlling behavior, which is a form of emotional abuse. I have personal experience with that, as my mom was also very controlling (and relentless). I'm not surprised that your mom and siblings aren't effective in interceding on your behalf. As I said before, been there. There's no talking sense and moderation to controlling people. It just gets them angry and more determined. Your Dad my be motivated by guilt and fear of losing you, but in the end, it isn't the motivations which count, it's the actions.

You don't mention how old you are. Are you old enough to legally make your own decisions? All you can do is get out of the house. You cannot reason with him, you cannot bargain. It's like The Terminator. If you are attending college, register for a dorm. If your college doesn't have dorms, transfer to one that has. Move out with friends, or even rent a room in a house which caters to college students. And by all means, don't let him (or other family members, after all they are enablers, and they will "let it slip") know until you are moved out (start moving small things, perhaps storing them at a friends' house, until you have just enough to move at a time when he is going to be away for a couple hours. It would also help if your mom especially, and your siblings aren't there, too.

Do you have the money to do this? Does he allow you to work? If yes, and you have a job, save up your money. If he doesn't allow you to work, tell him that you need money to do things like go to the movies, buy clothes, etc. or you will have to go get a job. If he is as controlling as you say, he will give you money. Don't spend it, save it. Inflate the price of whatever you tell him you want to buy, get it 2ndhand (eBay, Craigs List, etc), and save the difference until you have enough. Some people on Craigs List and all members of your local Freecycle chapter (google Freecycle.org to find your local chapter) give everything from computer equipment, appliances to clothing away. Sometimes the items are brand new. Say you are going to buy them and pocket the money until you have enough to make a break for it. Ask for money for birthday & Christmas gifts. Return other gifts for money, if you can.

Yes, I know its ethical shaky ground. But if he is the one preventing you from earning your own money, its justified. Money is power and independence, and he doesn't want you to have either. Abusers, whether physical, emotional or psychological isolate their victim. It's his issue, but it's your life.

If you don't find a way to get out of there, do you know what your future will be? The few friends you have contact with will date, marry, have children, and move on with their lives. Eventually the business of their lives, coupled with your unavailability (plus the fact that you are single. Married people and other couples like to socialize with other couples), will mean they will stop calling. You will live in your gilded cage, becoming the caretaker of your elderly parents, so long out of this tight job market that you are virtually unemployable. Eventually, your parents will die. Believe me, I've seen this happen time and again that the child in this situation who was kneecapped into remaining at home and giving up their life, finds the parental estate equally divided among all the siblings, with no recognition for the years of caretaking and how you are now to survive. Siblings often have expenses of their own (the families they had the freedom to be able to start), or simply don't care. At an age where people are retiring with a pension or 401k & social security, you will have maybe $50,000 total assets, no job skills or history, no social security, no health plan. No friends either, because you will have lost contact. The only company will be on holidays at family gatherings, or when your siblings need you to babysit. All you will have is the aches and pains which are inevitable in an aging body.

I wish someone had told me this at an early age. I had a friend in this situation who simply had lost the will to survive and died before her debts left her homeless. I knew one man who committed suicide after his parents died. I know one woman (who left a job as an office manager 20 years ago to care for her mother), whose siblings want to evict her from the family home, so they can sell it. She has no more fight left in her, either, and has almost no savings left.

I cannot stress how much you need to get out of there! Good Luck and be persistent! The cliche "the life you save may be your own" applies here.

Well I cannot talk to my brothers and sister over this issue as all of them lives away from home and actually do not know these things happening at my home.but I did talked to my mother over this issue. She said that all these things are not pointed towards me only it would have been same for my siblings also if they would have been residing with us.My brothers are unmarried and working while my sister is in college and lives away from home.
But yes she accepts that he(my father) is obsessively attached to me.Even she had witnessed that if my father scolds me for something than eventually he himself feels guilty and gets emotional.If I have some argument with him and I stop eating my meal then eventually he also do the same.
Nowadays I felt that I am isolating myslf from all people whome I feel are very much close to me and emotioanlly attached. I have stopped attending social gatherings, I am avoiding phonecalls and talks to people only to the point and when its needed.I sit on last bench alone in my college.and I don't want to talk to my best friend and my other friends. I am trying my level best to stay alone alone alone and only alone. I feel like none of my family member is actually feeling this emotional blacking and his enforced personality on me, to the extent it is actually.It is eating my confidence and my morale I am becoming more and more introvert and dissatisfied by my destiny and with myself. Help me.,.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrebel7

Surely your dad's behavior has been noted by your mother and siblings! What do they have to say about it? Is your dad elderly to the point, he might be having some cognitive issues, dementia, etc. or some other health problem that has changed his personality?

He is obsessed with you, no doubt. I am not the one to say why. Others will post later than can give you more information than I and perhaps better suggestions. His getting emotional is a way of controlling you possibly. I have a relative that use to pass out and fall to the floor if his daughter's stood up to him in a confrontation. That was his way of making them feel bad and making them fall into line.

Talk to your mother, your siblings, ask them to help you in your endeavor to move on with your life.

You have to make a decision whether you are going to allow your dad to continue to take over your life and cripple you emotionally, socially, etc., or are you going to move on. Many times once a person has stood their ground, the person trying to control, realizing they can no longer do that, either begins trying to control another person or just simply accepts the change. I would visit with your mother to see if there could be a health problem with your dad first. I would not want to tell you to do this or that and then later find out your father was ill because a person would handle each situation a little differently, in order to have the same outcome.

Talk to your family in private and then get back with us.........they may be able to shed more light on the subject than we ever could because they know him. Keep in touch!

How old are you? I find it strange the others left and you can't. That maybe a big factor, as you're the baby girl and now your ready to go.

The worst thing you are doing is isolating yourself, and not reaching out for support of your family. Trust me hiding, is no way to handle this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by still same

Well i cannot talk to my brothers and sister over this issue as all of them lives away from home and actually do not know these things happening at my home.but i did talked to my mother over this issue. she said that all these things are not pointed towards me only it would have been same for my siblings also if they would have been residing with us.My brothers r unmarried and working while my sister is in college and lives away from home.
but yes she accepts that he(my father) is obsessively attached to me.Even she had witnessed that if my father scolds me for something than eventually he himself feels guilty and gets emotional.If i have some argument with him and i stop eating my meal then eventually he also do the same.
Nowadays i felt that i am isolating myslf from all people whome i feel are very much close to me and emotioanlly attached. i have stoped attending social gatherings, i am avoiding phonecalls and talks to people only to the point and when its needed.i sit on last bench alone in my college.and i don't want to talk to my best friend and my other friends. i am trying my level best to stay alone alone alone and only alone. i feel like none of my family member is actually feeling this emotional blacking and his enforced personality on me, to the extent it is actually.It is eating my confidence and my morale i am becoming more and more introvert and dissatisfied by my destiny and with myself. help me.,.

I guess this post brings more questions to my mind as I try to take it all in to get a total picture of your situation. Forgive me if I am totally misreading things here. It appears that your father is controlling you by making you feel guilty if you have friends, or try to live a life apart from him. You are allowing him to control you by making a choice to cut yourself off from all others. I ask this question... why are you isolating yourself from all people whom you feel close to... why not share with these people and allow them to give you emotional support as you deal with this day to day? Why are you trying to stay alone? I am not trying to sound harsh when I say this... I know you are hurting or you would not be posting for help but you must get a handle on the idea that YOU make your own destiny by the choices you make. I understand you don't want to hurt your dad but he is destroying you bit by bit. Is that right for him to do?? NO> It is not. You must reach out to friends and loved ones and develop the beautiful personality that is within you struggling to survive.

You sound so lonely. You are the only one who can make the necessary changes to move forward with your life and improve your situation. As Tal talked about... moving out to finish school... and such... are there friends or family close to the college you could move in with, your sister maybe?

Why do you believe you are forcing yourself to stay alone... what purpose will this serve? Is there more to this that you are not sharing? I hope you will chose well. Start by talking to your best friend. Perhaps, she can help you since she knows your family. It is probably hurting her that you are shutting her out and she doesn't even know why you are doing it? Your sister may have gone through similar issues earlier in her life... share with her and ask for her help. As Tal said,. don't isolate yourself and reach out to family and friends. Some of your friends may have dealt with this same issue but unless you share with them, they can't know what you are going through.

Are you a little fearful to move away to college just since it is new experiences the reason you stay home and allow the behavior of your dad to control you? If so, please, realize we all are a little afraid to do new things, that is natural. Once a step is taken, it gets easier and less frightening.

Keep us posted... you are not alone... we are here for you but again, only you can make these healthy choices for yourself. We can only encourage you.