Hello there, This is my first time on one of these boards as a person thinking ahead rather than crying over what happened.

As things stand there is actually no real issue with my girlfriend and I. But I have had some issues happen in the past and I want to make sure I don't repeat my mistakes.

In the past I've unfortunately been the person to close in on my girlfriend, bringing up space issues, kind of smother her if you will. I like being around her a lot, and in my free time if I have nothing to do, I usually would rather spend it talking to her. In the past, I don't know if my problem was if I really did get obsessive over it all, or if its just the fact that I love being around people I care about (at the time I didn't know the difference, why things got out of control)

But here's my situation right now. My girlfriend just moved back in with her parents from living with a friend, the conditions there were stressful and she wasn't allowed to do her own thing a lot of the time. Back at her parents house she finally has her freedom mostly back and she's been using it to do stuff she wants to do, its only been 3-4 days since she's moved back, but I've noticed that she's been seeming a little more distant with me lately.

After a LOT of bad experiences in the past, this time I stopped and thought to myself. "Now why could this be?" and I came to the thought that she's just probably enjoying her new free time. She's told me before during a talk when I asked her about what she thought about giving space that she likes to spend time with me, but she'd like to have time for her things too, Keeping all this in mind, I held myself in a calm position.

I've been known to be insecure and needy, and I'm doing my best to overpower and overcome those things.

And by being distant, all I really mean is she seems like she doesn't exactly want to stay on the phone with me as long as we normally are, or hasn't called me much lately for the past couple days, usually we'd talk 1 or 2 times a day on the phone at least. She's been on her computer a lot so I use an instant messenger to talk to her too, lately her answers have all been laid back and shorter than normal.

That's all really, I know, its no where as severe as most people's problems here. But the problem isn't really her, its me. I'm scared that I might do something stupid. I want her to enjoy her free time, the only problem is I start to miss her, so I try and contact her, at one point she answered her phone and I couldn't tell, but she may have sounded annoyed, and I really don't want things to go down that path.

Would the whole "back off, do your own thing and dont contact her. and wait until she talks to you" thing do me good in this situation? She hasn't even said anything about it yet, but I want to prevent myself from smothering her with attention. I want her to enjoy her time to herself and relax, she needs that, but over on my end I really enjoy her company, and I miss her. If I back off and stop my worries and insecurities from growing into something monstrous, think she'll start missing me and start coming around again?

Sorry for the long post, and sorry if it seems I'm worried for nothing. I just want to do things right this time. I've known this girl for 2 years and I love her, the last thing I want to do is chase her away because I was smothering her too much

Just me, I think a balanced life is healthy, which means having a real life that you enjoy beyond the relationship. If you think all your free time should be tied up in her, then you do run a risk of smothering her, and even bigger problem, you lose who you were, before she came along. Balance is your key to being a healthy person and having a healthy relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ichiyakojiki

Would the whole "back off, do your own thing and dont contact her. and wait until she talks to you" thing do me good in this situation? she hasnt even said anything about it yet, but I want to prevent myself from smothering her with attention. I want her to enjoy her time to herself and relax, she needs that, but over on my end I really enjoy her company, and I miss her. if I back off and stop my worries and insecurities from growing into something monstrous, think she'll start missing me and start comming around again?

sorry for the long post, and sorry if it seems I'm worried for nothing. I just want to do things right this time. I've known this girl for 2 years and I love her, the last thing I want to do is chase her away because I was smothering her too much

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Some girls just feel that you are checking up on them if you call too much - justified or not - but it gives them the feeling that you are not secure unless you share every minute.

We know it's hard to be patient, but this too is something we have to learn how to deal with. As Tal said, you need to not lose contact with yourself. And, please don't place anyone in the center of your universe.

Occupy your time without her doing things to keep busy and when you are together, spend quality time so that it won't wind up being an interrogation (if you know what I mean).

Being together with someone does not mean giving up independence you both need to keep.

So, relax and talk to us when you get anxious instead of reaching for the phone to call her. Make 'dates' and stick to it so that she too can relax and do other things.

Keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Thanks to you both, I'm just really worried about myself because Ive done this before, I let it get out of hand and I just couldn't stop the resulting snowball effect. I'll admit to being really insecure about certain things.. like when behavior takes a change towards this direction, I don't like to blame things but I've had to go through a lot of people leaving me, and I keep finding myself scared of losing the person when they start being even a little distant... and then I end up doing something smothering -_- I really hate how I did that in he past. I've been really trying to just be confident and trusting, and not so insecure about that stuff anymore.

I've heard of cases where there were no problems, but one of the people in the relationship were SO scared of something happening, doing everything they could to try and prevent this thing they thought was going to happen... that they actually MADE it happen...

Its good there are places people can go to talk about this stuff

I just talked to her and she seemed bothered again, I asked her what was wrong and she was telling me she had a lot on her mind with financial stuff like her car and bills and whatnot, a lot of things she has to take care of since she moved back to her family. I want to help out, but other than actually helping with money I think all I can do is wait to see if she asks for anything and not try to step in and try to fix stuff.

Should I just give her time to herself while she's got this stuff on her mind? It'd be selfish of me to want her time while she's fustrated over this stuff I think. I want her to feel better and I miss her. Should I pretty much be finding something to do to occupy myself? XD

Give her space to deal with her issues, but be there when she needs you. Balance it out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ichiyakojiki

Hello there, This is my first time on one of these boards as a person thinking ahead rather than crying over what happened.

As things stand there is actually no real issue with my girlfriend and I. But I have had some issues happen in the past and I want to make sure I dont repeat my mistakes.

in the past I've unfortunately been the person to close in on my girlfriend, bringing up space issues, kinda smother her if you will. I like being around her a lot, and in my free time if I have nothing to do, I usually would rather spend it talking to her. in the past, I dont know if my problem was if I really did get obsessive over it all, or if its just the fact that I love being around people I care about (at the time I didnt know the difference, why things got out of control)

but heres my situation right now. My girlfriend just moved back in with her parents from living with a friend, the conditions there were stressful and she wasnt allowed to do her own thing a lot of the time. back at her parents house she finally has her freedom mostly back and she's been using it to do stuff she wants to do, its only been 3-4 days since she's moved back, but I've noticed that she's been seeming a little more distant with me lately.

After a LOT of bad experiences in the past, this time I stopped and thought to myself. "Now why could this be?" and I came to the thought that she's just probably enjoying her new free time. She's told me before during a talk when I asked her about what she thought about giving space that she likes to spend time with me, but she'd like to have time for her things too, Keeping all this in mind, I held myself in a calm position.

I've been known to be insecure and needy, and I'm doing my best to overpower and overcome those things.

and by being distant, all I really mean is she seems like she doesnt exactly want to stay on the phone with me as long as we normally are, or hasnt called me much lately for the past couple days, usually we'd talk 1 or 2 times a day on the phone at least. she's been on her computer a lot so i use an instant messenger to talk to her too, lately her answers have all been laid back and shorter than normal.

thats all really, I know, its no where as severe as most people's problems here. But the problem isnt really her, its me. I'm scared that I might do something stupid. I want her to enjoy her free time, the only problem is I start to miss her, so I try and contact her, at one point she answered her phone and I couldnt tell, but she may have sounded annoyed, and I really dont want things to go down that path.

Would the whole "back off, do your own thing and dont contact her. and wait until she talks to you" thing do me good in this situation? she hasnt even said anything about it yet, but I want to prevent myself from smothering her with attention. I want her to enjoy her time to herself and relax, she needs that, but over on my end I really enjoy her company, and I miss her. if I back off and stop my worries and insecurities from growing into something monstrous, think she'll start missing me and start comming around again?

sorry for the long post, and sorry if it seems I'm worried for nothing. I just want to do things right this time. I've known this girl for 2 years and I love her, the last thing I want to do is chase her away because I was smothering her too much

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Hii I'm lucy
I just read your post, and I just needed to say how hugely I agree with everything you've written but with my boyfriend.
Undoubtedly I am a lot younger than you by the sounds of it, and have been going out with my boyfriend for a lot less, (just under a year) but I suffer from the same issue as you.
I know myself I am very needy, and am very much in love with my boyfriend, so therefore finding myself wanting to talk to him a hell of a lot, but then what I also know, is that he needs a lot of time to spend with his friends.

My boyfriend works full time mon-fri so the only good quality time I get to spend with him is at weekends as I am still in education. (sixth form) He is not a lot older though, only a year. This however means, that as his friends are also in full time education in sixth form (in the year above me) and so he also only see's his friends properly at weekends.
This is a continuous problem in our relationship as he has to juggle his time between, friends, family and me. Although a lot of the time I feel as if I am last priority.

I over react to the smallest thing and worry a hell of a lot about if he will make time to see me or whether he will forget to leave a day free. He has passed his driving test which therefore makes it very easy for him to go out when and where he likes, but for me I have to arrange how I will see him and so if I don't plan to see him it makes things very difficult.

We have continuous arguments about how I like routines, and prefer to book in advance when I see him to almost make myself feel better.

He is very bad with times, and always says he will ring me and forgets, or arranges to meet me and is late. Although I continue to be "fine" with this as I don't wish to begin an argument over it. I know this annoys him as he is a very laid back person but I am very scheduled.

The bad thing is, I know all this stuff about myself which is potentially ruining our relationship as I am suffocating him, but have no idea how to back off.
I need to give him space, and time to come to me instead of me being the one always ringing him, as I am pretty sure if I didn't he most probably would.

I love him very much and am afraid of losing him in the future over my obsessive time problem.
You may think I sound like a right maniac! And have no common ground with your problem at all. But I just needed to share a problem anywayy so do write another post with any advice you could give.

Thanks

All of you are right on target! Please just back off! I just went through a breakup in April.
She even warned me a few times. We both had similar careers with like schedules that made it even harder. We could talk to each other at any time of the day. I smothered here so bad she sent me packing. I know it's hard buddy, but you have to give her space. I made her the center of my universe and when I got dumped, it was hard to find my life again. I'm still having a hard time with the heartbreak. I think Tal posted awhile back saying something like "MOVE TOO FAST....BURN AND CRASH!!!!!" That's just what I did.
Your story sounds so much like mine it's actually pretty scary. Towards the end, the calls got shorter and sometimes she would sound annoyed when she answered. Then Bango! I was kicked to the curb. Back off and let her come to you when she's ready. Let her know you're there for her but don't make it a race to the finish. Besides,. The more time in between your calls gives you more interesting things to talk about. I'm actually kind of envious of you. You still have a chance to correct it. I can only look back and think about what might have been.

Peace!

She wants space, give it to her. Give as much as she needs, it will show you aren't clingy but rather understanding of her needs. It will show her a lot, if not then you will already be halfway to walking away

Yeah, I been doing my best to mainly purge my head of bad thoughts...

Lucy, its hard yeah... its even maddening in my situation... I mostly know what to do, but my body and mind is working against my logic for some reason. The real enemy, unless other issues come up.. and at least for me, is the bad thoughts... the what ifs..

What if s/he forgets about me, what if s/he leaves me.. what if s/he gets mad... what if there's a problem, what if there's someone else.. what if what if what if...

Thoughts provoke parinoia, parinoia provokes action... the actions provoked are all made on a whim with a romantic or fantastic outcome in mind that is a far cry for what the reaction they will bring in reality...


I... we... whoever, need to suppress these thoughts.. and NOT take these actions...

My current sins.. worrying that there is something bad on her mind... asking her much more than I should be if something's wrong... letting my mood and attitude when talking to her be negative... somewhat accusing... scared... I'm having to pull myself aside and tell myself to snap out of these stupid delusions, to look at what could be the real reason for the strange behavior...

If there's nothing wrong... my actions will eventually make something wrong... if there is something wrong... well, that's a whole other story.. and at least it won't all be in my head. That's how I'm trying to see it

Don't chase.

You seem like a rather pensive guy. I mean how many people post about a relationship in advance of it going wrong... Since you are such a thinker you need to pace yourself. So... just put your best foot forward and then let the chips fall where they may. Easier said than done but that's all you can do... women like to be courted - when they give signals and flirtations - but they need to work to win you too partner.

So, relax. If she is the one, she will. If she doesn't, she doesn't get the prize!

Well I'm mostly just worried about me, I don't like these feelings I'm having.. in spite of how much I say I know what's wrong and what to fix in me, I still feel this way. Its helpful to read all your comments. And yes, I know its probably strange to post before something goes wrong, but I've come to boards like this in the past after the fact, and all there was left for me to do is begin the healing process lol.

I just wish I knew why I feel this way. Today we were talking and mostly things were all right, almost pretty normal. In spite of her being stressed about job stuff and financial issues, she was mostly the way she always is, though she's been teasing me more lately, I don't know if that's good or bad to be perfectly honest. But mostly it was very posetive. Yet for some god forsaken reason, I'm feeling parinoid, a strange feeling in my gut of fear and worry.. from past experience I know what I shouldn't be doing, but I still can't explain why I'm feeling this fear and worry if our talks are peaceful normal and loving... that's the real thing I'm posting about :/ I love her and I want our relationship to work out very much, we've known each other a long time and she's really special to me.. but this weird parinoid feeling.. I feel like I have to save us both from... me o.O or something... usually typing or talking these things out brings me some kind of clarity and I understand stuff better just by telling someone and hearing myself... but no such luck here... am I messed up? :/

I feel like everything your saying is me
Like your actually spilling my thoughts out onto a page

I know what I'm doing is wrong, but my body can't help feeling the way it does

Constant worry about where he is what he's doing should I ring him should I leave it

A thousand and one things running around in my head! Yet I know it's bad, but I can't stop it!
Although we are both in a very annoying situation, it is of some comfort to know I am not the only person who feels this way.

I think it is just very very difficult to try be apart from the person you love, when you want to be around them a lot
But they need their own time as well

Hmm its trickyy

What do you do when your apart? To you both really.

Well I have my job, and college classes, I spend time with friends, with family, and a few hobbies like drawing and other things people normally do when they are trying to relax I suppose. Yesterday I went out after class and treated myself to a movie

Try this: give her a little more space than normal and it just may pay dividends you want.

Ermm.. go out with my friends, work, just do what I want to do, just as he does

But he has to juggle his time between me and his friends
So for me, my main priority is him, but for him, its both of us

I know what I'm doingg wrong I just don't know how to stop it

If you don't want to ruin the time that you do spend together plan on making it stay 'quality' time.

When apart, make certain that you find an inner balance - which means that you should never make anything or anyone else the 'center' of your universe but yourself.

There are many things you can do to try and find inner balance, i.e. meditation, hobbies, occupied with education and entertainment.. just don't spend this time concentrating on what the other partner is doing at that time or what they are thinking. You don't have control over that, so why let it worry you.. Inner insecurity will only cause you to be insecure in the relationship - for nothing. Find a balance.

LucyLouu.. this goes for you too!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

here's a question to you all... she's been doing this to me recently and its been annoying me and making me wonder...

SHE calls me... talks for a short amount of time... and then starts saying she has to go she has to go, and I joke like "aw so soon?" or whatever and she'll say soemthing like "I'll see you later sheesh" and the whole time once she starts saying she'll have to go she seems anxious, rushed, and kind of annoyed like she can't wait to hang up. You know... like how you'd answer those last 10 questions from your wife or mom while you're on your way out the door being late from work or school, as if you were saying "yeah yeah yeah hurry up already"

What the hell is that? I feel like because I feel like suddenly I'm bothering her by wanting to talk to her on the phone, but its not like I randomly called her while she was busy, SHE called ME.

our last call went something like this

*normal tone*

her: Hi~
me: hi~

What are you doing?
I was catching up on napping, you?

at best buy randomly looking at something's I can't afford
Oh? Like what?

I'm not telling you (its her birthday soon and she's always weird about me buying her gifts)
Aw come on

*pointless please no please no playful struggle here*

I should be heading home but I feel too tired (her work is pretty far from her house since she moved, it's a long drive)
Oh?

Yeah, I feel like lately all I do is drive to work, work and drive home..
is that why you're looking for a new job?

yeah, anyway I need to go (starting to sound rushed)
aw already?

jeez I'll see you later... I need to gooo.. (starting to sound annoyed)
Okay okay, you don't have to sound like that.. have fun OK?

yeah yeah.. I will, I need to goooo
I love you

I love you tooo... byyyye... (words dragged on long with an annoyed tone as if I were her mother lecturing her, I could just imagine her rolling her eyes.)
Hey.. You know, it really bothers me whenever you're like this, Why do you sound like you're in such a rush and bothered lately?

I'm just tiiired... god..
its really bothering me lately, its making me feel guilty like there's something wrong

its nothing... I'm just tired... don't worry about it (she started to sound patronizing here) I got to go... bye
Okay... bye.. I love you

click.


... She called me, I said nothing bad and she started sounding all annoyed like she wanted to end the call so urgently and I got mad and asked her why she's being this way, and she just sounded more annoyed and just said she's tired over and over... if there's something wrong, god I'd love to know what it is, but if she really is just tired, I Don't want to make this worse and make her keep fighting with me over me asking what's wrong -_-... I know it annoys her when I aks her what's wrong when there's nothing wrong, it does, and it might explain why she was snappy at the end there, but when she acts like there's something wrong... what do I do!

should I bring up how I feel to her and talk about it? How this has been eating at me? Or should I keep it on this board..

You know what? If I told someone I was tired from working and driving and they did not believe me, I'd be frustrated with him too. I would get sick and tired of having to try and pleasantly explain myself, knowing no matter what I said would be taken the way you take it.

Hello, wake up, smell the coffee, and LISTEN. Stop reading crap into every word she says. Listen to her and actually accept the fact that she is indeed tired. Trust her and stop pushing.

If the time you spend together is good and she still shows emotional and physical caring, then enjoy the time and trust her already...

Yes, do keep these wacky fears and insecurities on this board and don't stress her out with them.

This is your problem, and you need to work out why you are so needy and untrusting in the first place, it's not her problem - so don't push her away with it like you did the others in your life.

Aren't you frustrated with yourself yet? I would be. You are literally out there looking for Disaster. Learn to keep yourself and your insecurities under control or you will always push others away.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but I sincerely want to help you - so think about it, please.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gif
Look in the mirror and if you are bored or don't like what you see - only you can fix it - don't expect anyone else to do it for you.