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I have heard from many parents that many teenage girls go through a phase where they get involved with boys who are losers and troublemakers. I'm worried that this will happen with my daughters. Do any other parents have any experience with this phase and advice other than not allowing dating until 18 which I plan to do.
Of course many of those "losers" and "trouble makers" turn out to be the millionaire or bank president of tomorrow. I would be slow to judge, if you have brought your child up properly normally they will make some good choices. I doubt if our spouses parents though highly of most of us.
At 17 with my long hair, peace symbol and driving my motorcycle I doubt I was any mothers dream of a date for their daughter.
I'm the father of a 2 year old son and stepfather of a 19 year old daughter.
prohibiting dating, in my opinion, is a farce.
I cannot say that all girls go through this phase. Mine did.
after dating a guy that EVERYONE LOVED... smart, athletic, kind, great looking, and polite... the king of guy you hope your daughter dates again when she's 25... she dated a jerk.
why I didn't end up in jail is a mystery. My wife says one confrontation I had with him was the madest she's ever seen me... my irish temper sometimes gets the best of me.
anyway... I guess by that point all of our "training" was done... she was going to be her own person and make her own mistakes. Don't get me wrong... there were still rules and curfews and high expectations... but once they are around the corner you just have to have faith that they've heard what you said.
and they do.
well... after wasting a year on this loser, she finally broke it off. Now, another year along, she knows she was not thinking right. She doesn't apologize for her actions. She shouldn't. But she knows it was a mess and she made some dumb mistakes.
my opinion is talk to them as much as you can about letting them know how they should be treated. I don't know. I think most people go through a phase where we do dumb things for love, guys or girls.
teen years can suck. 17 was better than 16, 18 better than 17, and 19 is looking pretty darn good right now. But boy... it can get ugly.
I remember one christmas day we got into a fight because her boyfriend gave her a ring and she wanted to wear it on her wedding finger. By the time it was done she'd told us she hated us and she hated spending time with us. Merry xmas! =)
oh well. All you can do is know the person inside and know this isn't that person talking... and sooner or later, the real person will claw their way through the noise.
Don't prohibit your daughter from dating till she's 18, all that will do is leave your daughter naïve and ignorant when you're not around to help shape her growth... NOT a good idea, limit the dating if anything as in just make sure you meet the guy before letting her go out, set a time she has to be home, and talk to her about what to do and what not to do.
Also what's your perception of loser? I mean honestly if you looked at me I'd appear to be some random 16yr old punk who may be surgically attached to his mp3 player, has poorly groomed hair (I'm starting to grow a pony tail) and who has a perpetuating facial expression of being bored, however if you actually took a second to get to know me you'd know I love history,I'm in the chess club,I train in kung fu,am in an advanced program in school, and am interested in going to medical school after I graduate. To quote the old, yet still very applicable cliché "don't judge a book by it's cover"
Hi, Dave,
Being 64 yrs old, married 29 years now, (second marriage; 1st ended in divorce after 7 yrs), my wife and I raised 3 children, 2 boys and a girl, one of which is my step-daughter. My step-daughter is now married for 13 yrs, and we have a wonderful 8 yr old grandson. My two sons are 35 and 36, neither married yet, have never married so far.
Waiting until 18 to let a girl date is of course, up to you. I wouldn't recommend it.
At 15, our daughter was allowed to go to a movie with a boy, but we took them to the movie, picked them afterwards, got something to eat, had a good time. She also had a couple of different boys over to our home, watching TV, etc.
Later, when she was 16, she was allowed to out on a date by herself. But, only after we knew the boy, set a time for her to be back home, and stuck to it.
The one statement I heard a lot, and still remember it was, "Mom, others are doing it"!
Our reply was simply, "but you're not"; and let it go at that.
As a family growing up, we had meals together, at the dinner table, some on the couch watching a movie, talked with our children, knew where they were at all times. Communications with children, nowadays, is really lacking in many, many families. If you don't know where your child is, then there are problems that will only get worse as a family.
I do wish you the best, and "compromise" in some areas is always good with children. Other areas is a flat "No". and stick with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dave5150
It's a matter of a clash between two opposite values systems.
Here are some things you might try if possible.
1. Personally introducing daughters to boys who are not losers.
2. Moving from the neighborhood where losers predominate.
3. Sending daughter to live with relative where boys are different.
4. Placing daughter in circumstances, such as church, music classes, college courses, self defense lessons, where she will meet different kinds of boys.
BTW
A phase might not be a phase at all but simply a lifelong preference in which the bad boys are considered more manly and the nice boys are perceived as boring or effeminate. I think that most women have this tendency but some take it to the extreme and ruin their lives in the process.
Hi, Dave,
Since the answers before this one are so very good, I would just like to add something:
"You are known by your friends"... old quote from where, I am not sure.
But, it's true. Know who your daughter's friends are, who she will be with, and it will give you a good idea of the type of people she likes. If you don't approve, talk with her about it!
Well, I am not a parent but I am 20 years old. I have went through the stage of driving my parents nuts especially by dad by dating boys who you could say were losers and got into trouble all the time. Teenage girls are attracted to the trouble maker guys. You can't tell her she can't date until she is 18 because then she will sneak around your back. It is better to know what your daughter is doing and then beable to be there for here when she makes the wrong decisions. THis way she won't be scared to come to you later if she gets into trouble. From experience my dad tried fighting me on dating a guy and then I just went behind my parents backs and then decided it was better for them to know where I was and what I was doing whether I was with the guy. I got out of that stage and now I am with a guy who doesn't get into trouble, treats me right, is in the army, and we are going to get married. My dad loves this guy. So, have some hope.
If you have any other questions feel free to ask me.
Keep the lines of communications open and know the guy. They will do as they will by hook or crook!:cool: :confused:
You've already said that you don't plan to allow dating until age 18 so it sounds like you've already solved the problem. Parents need to take control and be parents but, these days, far too many don't. Being a parent means, among other things, setting limits which may include declaring certain people "off limits" to their teenagers. I think these days too many parents feel guilty about doing that sort of thing but it is their duty as parents. Parents have to be decision makers. It's true that the kids probably won't like every decision a parent makes but being a parent, like any other position of authority and leadership, isn't a popularity contest. It means using your wisdom and experience to lead your children to do what you truly believe is the right thing to do and ultimately in their best interests, even if it isn't obvious to a teenager.
Hi
Since my daughter was 15 years old good student which her teacher always praised her. One day we discovered her new classmate called "A" was troubled with her.
The brief story :
After told, "A" same age,was have a boyfriend which not allowed by her father, then she went away. She asked help from my daughter, they became more friendly than before. She was made up but my daughter not,then she strongly asked my daughter did the same. One day, her boyfriend met both, then "A" boyfriend turn to date my daughter but refused by my daughter. "A" was broken relationship with boyfriend caused this then turn her anger to my doughter.
Finally my daughter can not go to school because she was hurted by "A".
Does "A" father did the good thing for her if he knew "A" will gettig worse.
I was very confused if let her go got hurted then why don't protected her first.
My daughter gave her hand and also got hard feeling then not even boy but girl have to aware too?
Lucky my daughter back to school but different one.
Thanks
alruki -
This thread is a little old so I'm not sure the original poster is watching this anymore, but ill address your post...
Not completely sure about the whole story, but it sounds like your daughter helped a girl that she wasn't very good friends with, they became friendlier, and then the girls ex asked her out and that caused the girl to be mad at your daughter, and maybe hurt your daughter.
Welcome to the drama of high school. Yippie.
My daughter is well outspoken, sometime justified sometimes not. She was a cheerleader, in theatre, great student, lots of friends. And lots of drama. Lots and lots of drama... about half the time of her own doing because she just cannot walk away from someone who's being disrespectful.
There was one group of girls who threatened her and made lots of noise over a few years of hs. Just ridiculous. And as I've said, she didn't exactly make many of those situations better.
All I can say is you get them through that noise. The minute they are out of HS things are better... they're still not fully mature mentally (some people never are), but a lot of the drama goes away. And even every year in HS gets better... senior year was a lot better than sophomore year. College is also much, much better... still the occasional drama, but its just not the same as HS.
You mightve asked whether it was OK for you to send her to school knowing the situation was tense? Well yeah... you cannot solve all of their problems for them. Unless you know your daughter is going to be hurt physically and in real danger, you just have to let them make their own mistakes and try to help them up when they're knocked down.
Hi KP2171
Thank you so much for your response.
Frankly speaking, Im still worry about my daughter since she had such experience, more or less affect her thinking.
I discovered she may chose a powerful boyfriend to protect her, pretent more badly outlook/dress up etc. during our normal chats at home.
Of course, I will try to guide her right and begged god bless her.What to do?
In our city, most of kids are seems no goal to set for their life.
My daughter like to pay piano/fashion design etc. I do hope she can find her way:)
Thanks
Take good care
Teenage girls are sometimes worse to handle than teenages boys. All teenagers rebel I believe esp against their parents.Quote:
Originally Posted by dave5150
Im 27, and from my epxerience as a teenager, I used to worry my dad sick. Not necessarily about dating losers, but I used to lie, prentending I'm sleeping at a friend while actually me and my mate where out until God knows what time of the morning. I was about 16 then.
After all of this went on, they sat me down and spoke to me like an adult ( because that's what I thought I was when I 16 ).
They never said I can't do this and I can't do that. They showed me who's boss, and I respected that, esp when I learnt its best to be honest wi parents instead of lying, that way you gain respect and trust.
And in fact I grew up quick and at 19 I met the man I'm married to now.
Good Luck.
I had to laugh, sorry. I dated nothing but loosers in my day. Loosers are fun. You just have to teach your girls why dating a looser is not good for them and how to find a man who will respect them. Its a tough thing to do but it all comes down to how you have raised your kids. If they have high esteem, good morals, are honest, loyal have great character, they will more than likely pick the good guy. But I can tell you that 9 out of 10 good guys arent attractive lol. The bad boys are usually the hot ones your girls will go for.
On the up side, I was a complete bad girl, and both my husbands bad boys to the extreme. Both are loving fathers, caring men and arent looser adults. Kids will be kids and being an outcast is part of the culture.
It will all pass when they grow up.
Hypatia
PS DO NOT BAN them from dating. They will only get into more trouble sneaking out, lying, etc to see who they want. Encourage honesty no matter who they date.
1) this made me laughQuote:
Originally Posted by Hypatia
2) this made me cry
3) this was a flashback of my life (good guy perspective)
thank God my wife finally came to her senses after dating bad boys and finally settled on a fun-hating, ugly, good guy. =) =) =)
well... that and she told me she married a younger guy so she wouldn't be the first to die... =)
(for those of you who don't get my wife's razor sharp wit, that was a joke.. . I think.. )
Perspective from a mother(and now GRANDMOTHER) of teenage girls...
I forbid my(then) 16 year old daughter from dating a 19 y/o now, a year later she is a mom at 17 and I am a Grandmother at 36... so yeah..
My 14 year old is dating a 17 year old STUPID boy that recently caught himself on fire because he was stealing gas and spilled some on his pants.. then used a lighter to see how wet his pants were.. HELLO.
Not only is he a thief, but a stupid thief.. and she LOVES him and swears that if I forbid her from seeing him, that she will run away/hate me forever/kill herself/ Oh the teenage drama.
You can only hope that you have raised bright kids that are capable of making good decisions and give them the space they need so much while knowing where they are and who they are with. The more you try and hold them down the more they will pull away. They WILL do what they want to do regardless of how tight a rein you put on them.. this leads to lies and deception and total broken trust. Oh yeah and un planned pregnancy
I think it is important to remmeber that girls are not the only ones who date losers. It can be the other way around too. I hope to raise my son in a way that his sisters will respect and look for the same qualities in a prospect bf(also, fathers can set a wonder example to their daughters through example as well. By treating their wives, and their daughters with respect, opening the doors for them and so forth. Growing up in sucha way with my family, when I looked for a guy, I felt deprived of the good things I grew up with if the guy I was dating didn't show the same respect for me and those around us.) I also hope that I will raise my son in a way that he knows how his girlfriend should treat him and respect him and his beliefs/morals. They will listen to you to a certain extent. But beyond that you have to sit back and hope and know tha tyou raised them in a way to be proud of, and that they know right and wrong. Whether they show it or not, it is rooted deep within them, and evernutaly they will find their way through. Just make sure they know you are there for them no matter what, and that above all you love them for who they are. Discipline is needed, but so are good old fashioned hugs in times of need.
Accurate but so difficult to accept
Hi, my name is Rose, I'm 19 and I just wanted to say in some teen girls it is true. I was one of the ones who fell for the losers and the trouble makers... however all a parent can do, is guide their kids into knowing what is right and wrong. It's not the end of the world if one of your kids get into a bad relationship, heartbreak is a part of life. It's a learning experience. (However if he does abuse her than serious legal action and charges must be made immediately!) Who your child chooses to date in the end is their own decision... I myself had a very unhealthy relationship with a man only 2 years older than I. Even when my parents wanted to protect me from getting hurt, (not physically) I would not listen because I myself am my own individual and I am in control of my own life. Whether that control is lost or not, my parents are not steering. They could only guide and they understood I had to see for myself what I was headed for if I stayed with him. I learned rather quickly without my parents involvement that I was indeed dating a loser. Now, holding off on allowing your teens to date, they won't have those learning experiences so they will have the risk of learning too late when men are looking for more serious relationships... would you rather have a teen that dates 6 weeks with a complete moron or a child that marries one? Not to sound rude in any way but 18 is on the verge of adulthood. Granted there are lots of nice older gentlemen out there, however the older losers are the ones that want to hurry a ring and tie you down to marriage.
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