First of all thanks to anyone who does read and give me some insight. I wasn't sure if this would go into the Adult Sexuality section or here but, hope I'm right. I've only asked questions in this Section before so I came here first.

Quick Background Info
A girl and I who were "officially" together for a couple months about a year ago have been on and off. After we broke up we spent some time apart, NC, but we ended up going back to each other. Ever since then we've been really on and off, and both agree that we are in a relationship without the title. Both of us really don't want a serious relationship at this stage of our lives, but we are best friends to each other, and are the Boyfriend / Girlfriend figures in each others lives. We do everything that a couple would do. We are both 20 years old.

I have a couple of questions.

My First Question,

When I think about it, ever since the beginning, she's never been the one to make the first move. I understand that it's the guy's place to make the first move but, Every time ? When I say first move I mean, to Initiate, Making Out / Hooking Up. Even though she's thinking about it just as much as I am, and when I do make the first move we go at it, she never really has made the first move. Makes me feel like I have to make the first move if anything is going to happen, almost makes me feel like, I want it more ? So my first question is, Does it just Depend on the type of girl ? Is it just that she expects the guy to make the first move every time and I'm just reading into it too much ?

My second question.

It's been about a year that we've been together and when it comes to hooking up, we've really taken it slow, and moved onto the next stage when we both felt comfortable with it. We just kind of went with the flow and never forced or pressured each other into doing things we weren't ready for. Well now we are at the point where we have done everything but sex. I'm a virgin, she isn't. She's only had sex with her previous ex. I feel like I'm ready to take the next step, and we haven't talked about having sex together. My question is how do I bring up the conversation ? I can think of a few ways that I'm comfortable with, but I just wanted some insight. My main question would be if she's comfortable with having sex with someone she isn't in a serious relationship with. To me, sex is reserved for someone 'im in a relationship with, and even though we're not, I'm comfortable enough to have sex with her.

Once again thanks for reading and the insight, if this is in the wrong section please let me know, Thanks.

It sounds like you want something that she does not. Intimacy with some commitment.
By the way that is Normal on your part.

Your feelings are normal and it is good you have not slept with her yet, as it might become awkward and challenge your relationship.

If you can accept that:

1. just being friends is out the window after intercourse
2. she may not want to be a couple
3. you may feel frustrated by the lack of commitment
4. the sex may not be better than the friendship

Then proceed... and tell her you think it's time to try it together.

If 1-4 do not look like realities that you can handle, stick to making out or hit on another girl and keep this friendship casual. Big decisions yes, but that's part of growing up and becoming an adult.

Ps - as for question #1 - not all girls are initiators. That's life.
(Though some become them after being made to work for it. And being rewarded!)

Thanks for the insight Ash.

I can accept 1-4 because they are all things that I have thought about.

We also both accept and understand the fact that we both don't want a serious relationship so, she knows I am not trying to make this one, or that I want us to be a couple. I just want to know if she's comfortable with taking the next step in our intimacy ?

Next time you are intimate just ask her... if she says yes, prepare for 1-4. if she says no, then just be glad she is preserving the friendship.

What Ash posted is good advice and information. I also laud you for still being a virgin - WOW, and at 20!

So, there is naturally one question that popped up in my mind. Does this young lady know you are still a virgin?

if so... maybe she is inexperienced herself and does not know how to react with a virgin, how to talk about sex with you, or even how to read your body language. In other words, she might be a little scared of initiating something because she just plain does not know how.

if not.. I think it's time you tell her and that you'd really like to get closer and learn more.. with her because she is so special and that you could think of nobody better to share this wonderful experience with, even though you are scared too.

As for her.. just because she's not a virgin anymore, does not mean she has all the world knowledge and experience in this aspect of life.

So, if you two are close, share similar interests, and really like making out with each other, bring up the subject. The worst thing that could happen is that she'll tell you she's not sexually interested in you (which I doubt because of the heavy making out) - and you'd have to accept and handle that 'rejection'. But we all get rejected many times in our lives and survive.

Wait for an appropriate time, i.e. a nice environment, candles, while making out already - tell her and ask her if she would ever consider taking this further.. that's all. Just make sure that if she says yes, that you have condoms (for safety and respect). And once you've gotten that close, afterwards would be the time to ask how she feels about girls initiating romance. She will probably tell you that this is just as new to her as it is to you and you both can learn with each other...

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gifCommunication is the key to advancement in any relationship.

Thanks Ash and Chery.

Good question Chery, I can't believe I completely forgot to mention that. Yes she does know that I am a virgin and she respects that a lot. I told her that I was a virgin before we were Officially together, I knew it was something important for her to know about me so I told her early. I have no shame in it.

If any of you are wondering why I'm still a virgin, it's not that I haven't had the opportunity to have sex, it's that I don't think of having sex as something I'd do with just anyone. The person has to be pretty special to me, and I hadn't found that before this girl. That's about it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ram911

Thanks for the insight Ash.

I can accept 1-4 because they are all things that i have thought about.

We also both accept and understand the fact that we both don't want a serious relationship so, she knows i am not trying to make this one, or that i want us to be a couple. I just want to know if she's comfortable with taking the next step in our intimacy ?

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I'm sure that if you two do hook up, neither one of you thinks that the next step would have to lead to the altar.. you are just being normal young people who share closeness and respect each other - that's how we gain physical experience - by being physical. Just make sure that it stays 'safe' and maintains respect and trust.

Communication, respect and honesty are important in a friendship - and even a friendship can have romantic benefits if you don't walk into it with rose-colored glasses on.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ram911

Thanks Ash and Chery.

Good question Chery, I can't believe i completely forgot to mention that. Yes she does know that i am a virgin and she respects that a lot. I told her that i was a virgin before we were Officially together, i knew it was something important for her to know about me so i told her early. I have no shame in it.

If any of you are wondering why i'm still a virgin, it's not that i haven't had the opportunity to have sex, it's that i don't think of having sex as something i'd do with just anyone. The person has to be pretty special to me, and i hadn't found that before this girl. That's about it.

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You said it right there... so tell her that. The ball is in your court.

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Thanks Ash and Chery.

Any and all other insights are very well appreciated.

I think its telling that you cannot maintain, and grow within a relationship, but are ready for sex. Very strange indeed.

What are you talking about, or is it just making out or what?? Where is the communications, and are you sure she wants sex without a relationship?

That's friends with benefits. Is that what your both aiming for? I think you need more conversations as to what she wants, and what you want, and then plan together how to proceed.

Sorry I didn't answer your questions, but your post begged more questions.

Talaniman... I have based everything I do in life off Communication. It's what I'm best at. It's what every girl I've gone out has told me, that I have the best Communication, and that I have many successful relationships ahead of me because of my Communication skills. But everything that has happened between me and this girl aren't so straightforward. This is the same girl of my post " Think i Love her, Think i Lost her ", I remember you posting in that thread.

We went from together, to broken up, to a relationship without the title, to broken up. All because she wasn't sure of what she wanted, she was sure she wanted me, but didn't want a serious relationship, she told herself she would be passing up on an opportunity she would regret. We went through a lot.

It came to the point where I was talking to people close to me, asking them why I was so fixated on being in a serious relationship with this girl. It's because I want the little things, the little things that come with a relationship, the title, the cute stuff, you know what I'm talking about. But I have to look past that and I realized, maybe she's right, a serious relationship at this age does just Complicate things. So we moved on from the fact of a relationship, but continued to do what we do. We go out together, just us 2, or with friends, she holds my hand, we kiss and hook up.

Is it the right thing to do... we both know it's not. We've gone back and forth, I've let her go, she's come back, many times. It's hard but, we are happier having each other in our lives.

And to your question " Are you sure she wants sex without a relationship ? " well... that's what I intend to find out. If no, then I accept it and respect her decision. If yes, we move on from there.

I don't want to sound like a pig, but we have been on the same intimacy stage for a long time. It's just that I think we can take it to the next level. And everything we've done together with intimacy has been about comfort and No pressure. Even though Communication is my strong point, I wanted some insight on how to bring this up. Am I scared to even ask her about it because I feel like she's going to say she would need to be in a relationship ? Yes I am but. I don't like to keep it to myself and think, it makes me overthink and overanalzye, so why not just ask.

And... I can maintain and grow within a relationship... I was just never given the chance. But I've moved on from that.

Fear in a relationship will ruin it. If you are not free to express yourself, and expect some honest feedback, and a willingness to work together, what have you got? If there is no common goals to move forward, with a plan, what have you got? Any couple has to define what they are doing and lay out the perimeter and boundaries and establish a bond that allows communications and growth, and GOALS for the future.

So tell me if this is about just about sex, or defining the relationship?? I can tell you quite honestly, if your getting it when you want it, no matter who initiates it, what's the problem?? I see none.

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Originally Posted by Ram911

Am i scared to even ask her about it because i feel like she's gunna say she would need to be in a relationship ?

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"Ram911" you are real good friends with this girl,& if it has some kind of respect & trust,of course you're going to be rather nervous to initiate sex.

You mention,that,you feel like she's going to say she would need to be in a relationship.
If that is the case,continue as you are [refraining from sex for the moment].

Continue to build up that,all important,respect & trust. :)

Then,as a result of you taking time in the friendship with this
Girl,it will I'm sure [if you're patient] turn into a relationship
When sex can then mean something special,between the two of you. :)

As I said before, it is a new territory in life that you feel ready for, but if you are scared to 'get your feet wet' and talk about this subject with her, then you will just 'stay out of the water' longer than you planned.

We cannot hold your hand here, it's a step you have to take on your own.. maybe in time, you'll feel more comfortable in talking about the next step with her because she is that special to you. There is no need to hurry things.

Again, good luck and keep us posted.


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I'm going to try and bring it up the next time we're intimate. I'm comfortable enough with her that I can bring it up. And we are comfortable enough together, that we can have a converstaion about it. I'll keep you guys posted.