My daughter is 40 years old now, and was hospitalized in Aug 2006, in a coma due to her drinking problems over the years and lack of nutrition due to bulemia.
She has made accusations against her father over the years, but always changed her mind and said nothing happened.
We have been to hell and back visiting her in the hospital for 6 months and she lived with us, as she has alcohol dementia and suffers from seizures and needed constant care.
She recently moved out on her own. Believe me, when I say my husband I have been consumed with her health issues and worry so much about her, that our lives have been dedicated to her only over the last two years.
Just recently, she called me screaming saying that she now finally knows the truth, that her Dad did touch her inappropriately when she was around 12 years old. Her psychiatrist told her to write down the pros and cons of confronting her father. She called and screamed at me and said that she expects her father to admit what he did and to apologize. My life has been a living hell since this call, I have sat with my husband day after day and said, please if you did something, now is the time to admit to it. We have been married for 46 years and he is 75 years old. He says over and over, I cannot admit to something, I did not do. I have been crying for the last two weeks and feel my life now is over, since my loyalties are in a turmoil. Whom do I believe, my daughter or my husband. By the way, my daughter is talking to me again, but does not bring up anything about the incident where she called and screamed at me. There is such a hole in my life, she does call - - but never asks about her Dad. How can this continue, talking to my daughter daily and knowing what she believes to be true and watching my husband sitting and withering away. Oh, by the way she said she would talk to her father but only if he admits his guilt and says he is sorry. My daughter called today and I said that her father wants to me meet with her and she asked, is it to say he is sorry, I told I do not know what he wants to talk about with you, she hung up the phone. Called me back, but this time she was smoking and said she is drinking a glass of wine (she is on all kinds of medication and has been told, if she drinks, she could have more brain damage). She spoke to her father and she agreed to talk to him in person. Please give me some advise, I cannot go on much longer feeling so depressed and torn between the love for my husband and child and do not know who to believe.

I have no idea if he did or didn't. I am sure really nobody would be able to truly answer that other than him and her.

He could be in denial not wanting to lose you or own up to it but after all these years sometimes it is not worth stirring up the past except for the fact she is emotional traumatized over something.
You could tell her you want details like what he did when and where and where were you (mom) when this happens. Sometimes with the details you can piece things together and see who is more credible.

On the other hand some psychologists/psychiatrists do influence their patients by the way they ask leading questions and her having a lot of trauma in her life she could very easily gotten herself into a state of believing things that did not happen.

You just may have to just console and comfort her and try to avoid committing to if you believe her or not if possible

Hello J:

Well, if it were me, and I had a choice between believing my loyal husband of many years, and my drunk and nutty daughter, I'd choose my husband.

excon

excon may have it right.

I think your daughter WANTS attention.

If your in a position to do so, if she starts some sort of attention getting ritual and your visiting, grab your husband and leave.

I agree with Ex and kiss it does seem she is pulling the drama for attention.

She is an alcoholic with brain damage. Yes, a psychologist may lead her to explore her memories in ways that are dictated by her imbalance. However, if she admits to having a glass of wine? She is still drinking, perhaps heavily because one is never, ever enough when alcohol has its hooks in you.

A mental health professional can not be fully effective if the client is under the influence. Even a hangover can really dull the brain. I realize that you spend a lot of mental, emotional and physical energy supporting her. Your husband may have done something that she interpreted as inappropriate touching. How many years ago is that? Alcoholism is a disease. It is inherited. An inappropriate incident may have caused her significant difficulty, but it did not cause her alcoholism!

Now, the present, is what you are dealing with. Your husband is innocent at the moment, so are you. She is warped at the moment. Take care of you and your husband as a first priority. Do not enable her illness by letting it weaken and warp you too.

I want to thank everyone for this feedback. It is the first time in weeks that I can see a little clearer and that this problem has to be put into prospective, i.e; my daughter has serious issues relating to her alcohol abuse over the years, which I know does cause dillusional thoughts. It is very strange, that my daughter had been going to see her psychiatrist for months and came back very positive about herself and even proud that she is 'living on her own, stopped drinking and becoming responsible' and the last visit of two weeks ago, to the psychiatrist, is when everything when amok. I have been researching the internet about such an issue, and there are so many articles on "how a psychiatrist" can come to a conclusion that she had been sexually abused because she has so many problems" and can plant a idea that most girls/women have been abused by a family member/father many years ago. I did not take much stock at what I read, until I received feedback on this site. I feel better today, and whatever the outcome of the meeting between my husband and daughter is sorted out - - I am going to start looking after myself and my husband. I realize, that too many years have passed and we do not have many years left and I will try to put this incident behind us and try to live again. I can truly say with all my heart, that we have been loving and dedicated parents for 44 years and this most count for something. Thanks for all your answers and I feel less stressed today.

I need to tell everyone about the meeting my husband had with my daughter this morning, where he was confronting her about the details of where/when at what age did he inappropriately touch her
Now, I do not know if she was intimidated by the fact that my husband sat face to face with her and asked her when this happened and why does she believe it.
She now has come with a different story. Saying it happened when she was about 4-5 years old, down in our rec room and he laid on top of her.
My husband, said how did you suddenly remember these things - - she said her neurologist (she has had two) the very first one we took her to when she was living here
Told her and also the psychiatrist told her.
My husband said he looked her straight in the eyes and told her, that he never did anything to her and that he loves all his children and cannot admit to something he did not do. He also told her that this must end, because it is tearing all of our lives apart and we live like zombies. He also mentioned that if she does not believe him that he should get in touch with these medical persons and have a meeting, because these type of accusations and confirmations by the psychiatrist and neurologist must be cleared up for her sake and everyone involved.
The meeting ended on a happy note and my daughter said she believes him and loves him.
I am sorry to say, but I believe this will never end, as she is easily iinfluenced and always has been.
I did not mention before, as this is such a long involved situation. My daughter was gang raped at 15-16 years old, but would not talk about it, even though we had long talks where I told her I will always listen and be there for you. She denied being raped, but the girl that was with her at the time, told me that they were in a car with boys they did not know and they drove to a park and the other girl went off with one boy and the others raped her. Her screams brought people to the park and the boys drove away, they had their license plate covered with paper. We picked her up at the police station and she refused an examination and said nothing happened. The other girl to this day, is pretty messed up and feels sorry for Annette, saying she was easily influenced and she should have never convinced her to get into the car. My daughter began her bulemia shortly after that, and I took her from doctor to doctor. Each doctor said this is a mental problem not a physical problem. In those days, we could not afford private sessions, and she attended group sessions, which I found out later she never attended. According to my other daughter, she became to emotional listening to the other bulemics. She drank very heavy from the age of 18 and had many bad relationships. Due to her bulemia, she was losing her teeth and I paid to have all of her teeth capped. To this day, she blames me for not getting help for his bulemia or fixing her teeth - - both of which are not true. I just took the verbal abuse knowing something did happen to her and she was fighting back. After her release from the hospital and rehabiliation, we had her living with us. She had many Grand Mal seizures and her medications where finally controlled and she stopped having so many. She was very bored living us, which we could understand, living in the country. We arranged to get her an apartment with government assistance and my husband got her a little dog (she is animal crazy) and we thought everyone would be fine. She had a few friends very close to where she lived that constantly called on her and checked if she was okay.
Our family doctor, who was also her doctor, when she lived her, told us that she will never be okay, due to her brain damage after the coma and that we will have to live with these ups and downs of her moods and dillusions until the day we die.
Because, we love her so much, we were prepared to take everything she dished out and tried to understand what she is going through.
Getting back to the meeting my husband daughter had, I now feel we cannot take anymore and we have tried everything we possibly can do.
Am I doing the right thing when I say to her, if she brings up these accusations again, that this is now closed and if you still believe something happened, then it is in your ballpark - - call the authorities because we are now finished with this situation.
Sorry, for sounding that I am weak, but this has to have a resolution.

My husband, said how did you suddenly remember these things - - she said her neurologist (she has had two) the very first one we took her to when she was living here
Told her and also the psychiatrist told her.

It does sound like they are planting things in her head.

I think the only thing that may help is hypnotism and I never suggest that but it might be good for her in this case.
But I would find out and make sure it isn't possible for someone as bad off as she is would still believe these things under hypnotism first. I really don't know that much about it.

Hello mom:

Well, you brought it up on the legal board, and I have a legal solution, although it might not be the one you expected.

I think your idea of ending it personally with her is great. But, I don't think that'll really end it, if you know what I mean.

I believe that the wacko psychiatrist and the other wacko neurologist are IMPLANTING memories into your daughter. I recommend that you get new doctors for your daughter and file a multi-million $$ lawsuit against these snake oil salesmen.

excon

To: NOhelp4u
I have discussed this possibility with our family doctor "Hypnotism" he strongly advised not to take this action. As my daughter has so many issues that she is not confronting, such as the gang rape and her bad relationships - - these issues that she is hiding may trigger even more brain damage. According to my family doctor, my daughters brain is all mixed up due to so many seizures and her alcohol dementia, that she possibly is getting details all mixed up and because she constantly has bad dreams, she might be confusing what is true and not true.

Even though your daughter is not a child she still is very vulnerable to suggestive questioning
Since it does look like they are leading her to believe these things here are some links on that

Enhancing Mediator Neutrality Through Question-Asking

The Suggestibility of Children: An Evaluation by Social Scientists

One factor known to interfere with performance on a wide range of memory tasks, from physical judgments to person identification, is suggestive questioning (Loftus, 1979). The suggestiveness of a question or of an interview procedure can be defined in terms of their potential to influence a person's reporting of events or objects. The controversy over whether this influence is exerted through cognitive (memory impairment or source confusion) or social/motivational mechanisms (demand characteristics or conformity needs) is still unresolved (Ceci & Bruck, 1993). A typology of verbal suggestive techniques is given below. Suggestibility of the Child Witness: Individual Differences