I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He is a good friend of my brother (how we knew each other) and he is a few years younger than me. From the start of our relationship, we had lots of things against us (i.e. distance, but I'm moving closer in Aug. the awkward brother/parents - I'm dating my brothers friend etc.) and we've worked through them all. Now, he is 6 months from graduating college (he is working full time so its taken him longer), I've been out for 4 years and have a great job and we've been fighting over petty things more frequently. For example, I wanted to go get drinks with my friends - he wanted to stay in. I wanted to do something different for his birthday and he doesn't want anything. He went on vacation for a weekend about a month ago and told me he lost about 2k gambling and he was totally upset and disappointed in himself. I told him not to worry about it, he'll make it back and to learn from him mistake. His hours have been cut from work too, so maybe he's feeling like our relationship is a strain on $$. Regardless, he tells me he loves me, I'm the perfect girl for him but he needs "space" and he doesn't really know what that means he just needs "space". At first he said, "there are not other woman, I'm not interested, I don't want a girlfriend, its not fair to string you along while I try to get myself together" then calls back and says "Its not that I don't want you as my girlfriend, you're my girl, I would still tell people I have a girlfriend and I expect you the same, I just need "Its not that I don't want you as my girlfriend, you're my girl, I would still tell people I have a girlfriend and I expect you the same, I just need " to figure out what and where I'm going in life"

I'm so confused. I've been reading things online and most people say, when a guy says " to figure out what and where I'm going in life" it means "I need space" but I don't know if I don't want to believe it or if that pertains to this situation.

Its his birthday this weekend, I asked him if we could still enjoy the night and I could take him to dinner (as I was going to) he said OK but he didn't want to get a hotel as we planned. I said fine. They he says he wants to attend my grandmothers birthday because he already said he'd go.

I'm still so confused, he is really playing with my emotions and head. Can anyone make sense of this behavior? Any advice? Thank you all.

He wants space means that he will let you know if and when he wants to be bothered.
If you call him then he sees that as disrespecting his space or as you are overbearing and then he will want out. If he is doing it because he wants somebody else only time will tell.
In the meantime go where he says he is okay going and do what he is okay with doing
Until it gets to the point you realize it isn't going anywhere and you want out.

He wants to put physical and emotional distance between you and him.

If I heard that from a boyfriend, I would think that he didn't have the will to break up with me in a courteous and frank way... he was just going to let me think that there was hope of a continued relationship when, in fact, there was none. It is not very easy to break up from a long term relationship.

Is that the male version of, "I need some time"?

I think he probably has been feeling smothered.. and yes, like the other posters said, that could be that he's afraid to actually say the words, "i want to break up" he's subconciosuly try to soften the blow..

But he could really be meaning that he still wants to be with you and it could truly mean that he just needs some time alone..

My suggestion... don't contact him for a while, give him that space.. and I really don't suggest that you do things with him, until he decides he wants to be with you.. he can't have his cake and eat it too.. you have to make this hurt for him as well..

You go on with your life.. it's hard I know, but it's really not fair for you to wait around for him.. I really don't think he has a right to say that he expects you to tell people that he's your boyfriend.. I would lay down the law and say it's all or nothing.. you can't have both.. good luck

I just suggested this to another girl. Have you ever read the book " He's just not that into you?" It's a great book. A friend had given it to me. It's about all of those bull poop lines men feed to you. And what it is that they really mean. It's funny, it's truthful and reading it sometimes hurts. But please, please, please... read it! It'll if anything help you understand and make you want to bend over and tell him to kiss it!

mct, your boyfriend could have a problem that is not connected to your relationship as such. Blowing $2K gambling could be indication of deeper problems your boyfriend has? Could this be possible? Maybe the gambling is covering up something he needs to talk about and this "Needing Space" is him needing space in his head to try to deal with whatever it is.. he sounds confused to me which would also suggest some emotional problem underlying. He obviously needs to talk about something, whether it is to do with your relationship or not it is hard to say.

Prepare yourself and Tell him you need to talk and want straight answers (whatever they are, he must be honest with you) just to come out and say it as you have your own life to lead and decisions to make and he is holding you back at the moment.

I hope things work out.

This belongs more in the relationship forum than mental/emotional health... but I can work with it.

A guy's "I need space" is very similar to the girl's "I need space."

It can mean:

1. Really, I need space. This is... unlikely, but hey, I sometimes give the benefit of the doubt to some good people in this world.

2. I no longer have the same feelings for you... and I want to break it off but gently.

3. I found someone else, but I'm not sure if it'll work out with the new person... so I'm trying to keep you at bay, just to see where this goes.

I'm not so sure that his gambling losses will be too detrimental to the relationship... I don't know, it is stressful, of course, but to put a strain on a relationship? Marriage, yes... but in a relationship, does finances really come that much into play in your relationship?

I'd hate to say it, but I really think that he just wants out, and is trying to ease into it. If something really serious happened in his life and he just needed some time off, that's one thing, but the reasons you've stated above... I don't buy it.

I hope I'm wrong, and I hope things go well, but... it had to be done.

Best.

I am going through the same thing at the moment and I've gone through it before, with the same guy...
I know this happened to you (the one who posted the question) along time ago, but I would like to share my experience of this particular situation with all you girls that are going through it now... or have went through it before and it didn't end up working out. You might have scared him away and not even realized it.
I have been with my childhood crush and my best friend, we started dating when we were 15 now were 22 and 23 so we have been dating for a little over seven years now.
We have both done the whole "i need space" thing many of times
But, it has only been a real serious situation about two times.
The first time he pulled the whole "i need space" and really meant it
Was, when I was having major problems at home with my mom and sister and I was miserable not only was I having problems at home, I was having problems with my friends as well (they thought I was always with my boyfriend and had no time for them)
He said we needed to talk and we went on a long walk on the beach and talked
He said he needed space and I totally broke down,
The worst break down I ever had in front of him.
Hysterically crying I begged him not to do this, not now, "you are the only person i have" I can't take it at home and my friends weren't very happy with me my friendships were all very strained because our lives became all about eachouther!!
I told him how I ruined all my friendships to be with him.
We both sat there crying and I figured it was all over and he felt bad enough to not do that to me and I figured it was all just blown over but,
He drove me home and said you know that I love you with all my heart and nothing will ever change that
I just need my space to figure some things out.
-my heart sunk!!
(how could he do this to me when I just pored my heart out to him and begged him not to do this to me)

(does he have no heart, how could he still do this to me after how he saw me hurt so badly),(how could he know that I lost everyone for him, and still do this to me knowing that I have absolutely no one)

(how could he see me break down, make it seem all better and tell me how much he loves me and sit there telling me why he loves me what he loves about me, tell me how I'm all he thinks about and then still mean that he need his space?)

All these things left me baffled... I started going into a depression, I had no one to talk to no one to help me out or even to get my mind off this horriable situation.
I tried talking to him and txting him but it only drove him further away.
I decided to try and re-kindle my friendships and I did
Not only did I get my friends back now it was time to making sure I looked my best!!
I got my nails done
And dyed my hair
And I went to the tanning bed so I would be nice and tan!
(girls everyone looks and feels better with a tan)
Not only do you look and feel great with a nice tan but it actually makes you look skinner!
And when you feel great about yourself it shows and you kind of glow!
Feeling good about yourself busts your confidence
Guys like when you are confident- to guys that's like the sexiest thing in the world when a girl is confident-*major turn on!
*****but please note: confidence is a lot different than being vain!

Recap:

#1: first I stopped talking to my boyfriend
And if I did it was if he txted me I didn't write back, and if I did it was no more than the usual
-hello how are you
-oh I'm doing great how about you?
Just a typical 'ol convercation

#2: I fixed myself up and worked on myself esteem

#3: I started going out and enjoying myself
( we have all the same friends were all just a little group of beach kids and were all the only kids around)
So he would see me having fun looking hot feeling great and where ever we all were guys would come up to me and ask for my number! This drove him wild! I think is was mainly because he saw me living my life and not needing him
And girls it is true when they say boys only want what other boys want!
You have to make the boys chase you and see you happy so they know that you don't need them to survive,
When a guy feels like you need them the game is over boy love a chase and if you make them feel like you need them and your always right there when ever they want to do something with you and just waiting around when they don't makes a guy lose interest you have to make them feel like they have to work for you and if your always available he will never want to be with you cause there's no excitement so my advice to anyone going through this just keep going on with your life and make sure he "finds out" how much fun your having- but not fun like hooking up with people and being slutty cause than he will just think (she is a whore were just were taking some space and she's off sleezing around) so be careful cause if you go to far you could ruine everything with the wrong decisions and when you get back make yourself unavaliable don't be there every time he wants to see you cause maybe you already had plans with the girls to watch a new movie but your free tomorrow!! Never cancel previous plans because your guy decided he wanted to do something with you, you can potentially upset your friends and you never want to be his back up plan for the night cause his plans fell through or you could cancel your plans and find yourself waiting around for him all night just to find out he found something better to do and by then you have missed your girls and you will find yourself home alone and really mad at his and there's nothing to do other than get mad at him and you want to avoid getting your feelings hurt and your also want to avoid fights at all costs
The more you fight the more likely your guy will lead to the statement "i need some space"

So girls be independent and live your life for you not your man or your relationship because you have to live with you your whole life men come and go make yourself happy first cause you only get one chance in life so have fun


Keke