Hi all,

I had a daughter early in life my s-o had kids later in his life, so my daughter is grown, 35, a successful therapist. I am a high school teacher. His kids are 10 and almost 15. Since I have met him he tended to ignor problems I saw developing in his daughter like disordered eating and early sexuality.

Over the past year (starting when she was 13) she began spending an inordinate amount of time on the computer, she became argumentative like I couldn't believe, and when at her mother's house (where she spends about 70% of her time) and she would get mad she would simply leave and go to a friends house and not return home and she would not tell anyone where she was.

When she came to our house she would complain nonstop about her mother etc. Then I started getting on my s-o about her internet use. After all this girls behavior was changing drastically. After months of prodding by me he obtained her passwords and that's when some real problems surfaced. Drinking, smoking pot, sex, driving around with boys who were 17 and 18 with alcohol in the car, and meeting men posing to be 17. The police actually came to her school to talk to the girls who met these 23 yo pedophiles. Her grades dropped and she started having truancies.

One day she asked if a friend could sleep over and if a boy could hang out for a while. I have a friend who works at the school where the boy attends and he has a horrid record. Was in juvenile lockup for 30 days, drug rehab, screws everything in sight, threatened to kill a teacher, and swore at the administrator of the hs. When her father told her what I did and found she was mad. The next night she did not come home (just like at her mothers). I was furious as was her dad. We spoke to her and she received a consequence.

In return she decided to not come to our house again and refused to talk to her father. The exwife would not support her father in his punishment or limit of computer because we yelled at her. We also found out that she had her on anti-depressants for a year and a half without his knowing.

Short of kicking them all out of my house - what do I do to keep my sanity with all this. I basically have no say in what goes on with this girl, the father is not pro-active at all, and is barely reactive. She hangs with kids who are known drug and alcohol users but he believes she doesn't use because she told him so. ACCKKKKKKKKKK he is so blind.

HELP anyone else with this prob? What did you do? I can't take it.

freeda -

Your "significant other" doesn't sound all that significant to you. I don't mean to sound crass but it appears that you could take it or leave it, with regard to your relationship with him. And being that you are extremely frustrated with his daughter and his parenting skills, that isn't helping your affection for him or your relationship in general... it's strained.

I think you should be sitting down with him and deciding on your relationship before you worry about his relationship with his daughter. If you are frustrated with the way he deals with conflict and you are not married to him, you're not going to feel any better towards him if you get married. If what you desire from a man is that he maturely deal with issues in life and not pretend they don't exist, maybe this guy is not right for you. After all, if he doesn't accurately discern problems with his own flesh and blood, he won't be able to adequately deal with the issues you have in your relationship.

The situation you described is very tragic and sad and I genuinely hope that things turn around for this girl, but the girl is not your problem; your relationship with your "significant other" is. I just think the daughter is really symbolic of how you feel for him.

You get to share your learned opinion with him when he inquires, and that's it. You are an interested observer, nothing more. Your connection to your S.O. has no bearing whatsoever on his relationship with his kids. None. Grasp that. Your frustration over his mistakes is not license to say/do anything with that frustration or suggestion.

You know this, too, don't you? That's why the frustration is building. You're not a person who takes to ignoring problems. Well, the problem here that needs addressing directly by you is whether or no you are capable of living with this situation should it stay exactly as it is. It probably will anyway.

I'm not telling you leave or break up or threaten or cajole, nothing. I'm telling you to step back and realize your place in all this, accept it, or change YOUR geography in it all. Shooting at them with your "insights" (even if they are correct) will ultimately serve no purpose but to destroy your bond anyway, so there may be nothing to gain here.

Jake - yes the relationship is strained, making what is going on with his daughter difficult because I also think what is going on with her is tragic and preventable. I am divorced and am not interested in marriage. You are right he may not be the guy for me for the reasons you mention. This situation is just making that clear.

JB - I disagree that I am just an interested observer and nothing more. I own the house we all live in. I am in the environment with her.Her brother and I do not need to be subjected to some of the behaviors her father lets run their course.

You are right in that I do not ignore problems, I am a solution oriented person, then again I work with high school students who are at risk. While he and she will do as they will, I have the right to say what I will be subjected to in my environment.

Thanks for the insight from both of you because you both made me think about my relationship with him and ponder what I will do.

Actually you do have a say because it's YOUR house and when the teenage daughter is in YOUR house she must abide by YOUR rules and if she doesn't like it and calls you the 'Evil stepmother' then so be it. You're the adult, she's the child.

If you went to a friends/family member's house, wouldn't you put your shoes on the designated mat before entering into the house? Wouldn't you strain yourself from walking heavily because your friend lives on the third floor of an apartment building?

This situation gets tricky because you want to say something, but you're not the mother, right? To be honest, she is being a teenager. If you don't like her behaviour, talk to your S.O. If he can't communicate properly and respect your feelings than I'd say Adios!

I appreciate your position as landlord, but you may have missed my subtle point. I know you can (and most likely will) continue to instruct, I'm just warning you that doing so will more easily backfire on you than positively effect change. Being the landlord isn't the point, preserving the stability of your relationship with your S.O. may actually be at risk here, I'm just hoping you spot that.

With no legal grounds and no blood bonds, your asserting your rules and regulations into their parent-child relationship, well, I can hope with you that it would work out, I just have no expectation that it will.

It's just a warning, that's all. His kid on the internet too much, yeah, I vote too that it should be curtailed. I just don't see how landlord gets you the right to enforce a rule like that. As landlord, maybe curfew times, cleaning minimums and basic verbal respectfulness, THAT makes sense. The rest, I just see trouble for YOU on the horizon.

And remember, I agree with you on the basic facts. But in our most intimate relationships, being "right" can get you into a lot trouble. You can be "right" and still lose, lose, lose.

Yes, all you can do is tell the father to do something, there is little you can do yourself, and in fact since he does not have custody, the mother does, unless he goes back to court prove the mother unfit and gets custody and locks her away there is nothing anyone can do

JB - what would that look like in reality. Daughter fails to come home, when she does come home its fighting with dad, lots of drama, yelling, etc. her brother and I are in the house. Actually forget the brother and just say that I am there, I have the right to say something about my environment as a resident of the house, and because the fighting is constant my sanity becomes more important than the relationship. I think Jake hit the nail on the head when he said I was frustrated with the way he deals (or doesn't deal) with conflict, issues, and life.

What I actually told them both last week was that since I really have no say in the decisions being made but I am certainly affected by them, I can only control the environment around me. So if she has a need to fight with her father, complain about her mother, talk trash about her friends, and create general drama she will have to do so in her room because I am just not listening to it any more. And when she and her father continued fighting I told them both to go to her room, and they did.

Right or wrong it kept me out of it.

Hehe, your handling of that situation was SPOT ON. I don't know if you realize it or not, but you proved my point. I think demanding they BEHAVE together is an awesome idea, what you did was great.

I applaud heartily.