My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. We even got engaged this past Christmas when he was home on leave. He is in the Army. Everything was great, he went back to Iraq - he was on deployment, and all of the sudden things changed. He became more and more distant. When he came home he said that he had changed and he called off the engagement indefinarely. He is talking with other women that he says are "just friends". We are now back to boy friend and girl friend "taking it one day at a time". When I ask him to help me understand what changed, he says "I don't know". He just says that he doesn't want the type of relationship that we had before anymore, at least right now. I don't understand what happened. I guess that I should be happy that he didn't get rid of me all together but it still hurts! It hurts a lot. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he shuts down emotionally. He also accuses me of trying to pick a fight, which I am not, and says that if we're going to argue that it has to be over. He has a hard time using the word love or talking about long term stuff. He refers to marriage as a dirty word. I need help understand what is happening here. I love this man with my entire heart and soul and all I want is to get back what we had before, so that we can be happy, and work towards a future together.:confused:

Sorry to tell you but he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. How old are you ? You need to work on yourself . He is in the process of moving on . Has he been checked for PTSD maybe ? But in normal experience says you two where young and he has tasted something else.

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Originally Posted by soldiersgrl07

I love this man with my entire heart and soul and all I want is to get back what we had before, so that we can be happy, and work towards a future together.:confused:

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That's a beautiful sentiment, but your problem isn't in your feelings, right? Your problem is in HIS.

You have no control over them. Only yours. Wishing for the guy you "love with your entire heart" to also "change and not be who he is" is sort of disingenuous. I understand what you mean, I'm just pointing a bad habit forming here.

It's OK to wish people were different, as long as you admit it's wishful thinking. Your only responsibility when dating is to PAY ATTENTION. Guys usually don't change much over time, but if a guy were to change quickly, an army boy would be the perfect candidate.

Meanwhile my advice / my question is still the same: If your guy stayed exactly like he is today (and he may!), are you ready to set all your needs and wants aside and just live with it forever. If it never gets any better, can you live with that and not spend your life making him feel guilty about it?

The answer is usually no. When people change as much as he appears to have changed, you SHOULD be eager to distance yourself and require him to re-sell himself, his new self, to you all over again.

I think accepting he has changed, and stop looking for answers you will never get, will help you move on ,and leave him to his own life, and free you to pursue one that makes you happy, and gives you what you want.

He ain't the one, no matter how you feel about him, because he doesn't want to reciprocate your feelings for him.

I could accept that he was moving on, if I didn't have so much contact with him. That's the thing. We talk just as much now, if not more, then we did before deployment. We are in constant contact. He is back to the same man I feel in love with. The only difference is, we aren't engaged. That, and the fact he talks with other women "friends". This may be a little off topic, but then again maybe not. I need to just get a sanity check here. It isn't normal to propose to someone and then pretend like it never happened, right? Even before he called off the engagement indefinitely, he wasn't acting the part of an engaged man. I mean, he proposed and told me "what an honor it would be if I would marry him and be his wife" but that was it. We talked about getting married for a few days and even discussed different ideas but then nothing after that. Its exhausting trying to sort all of this through in my head. I know that I can't change him, and I know that I can't make him ready for anything that he is not. And to answer a question asked to me earlier, I don't know if things as they are right now will be good enough for me for the rest of my life. I don't know that I won't end up resenting him and trying to make him feel bad for the rest of his life. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, I love him. I would give my life for him if I had too. But with that said, I know that I deserve more. I deserve to get married, start a family, and have a man who is faithful to me and only me. I just don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to call it quits and then end up years from now asking myself what might have been. I am a pretty spiritual person. I pray daily that things get easier and clearer. I believe that my boyfriend and I were brought together and kept together all of this time for a reason. Maybe that sounds crazy but its what gets me through "one day at a time" with my boyfriend. Oh, and someone asked how old we were. I am 31 and he is 28. Before you say it, age isn't what is making the difference here. Even though he is 28, he acts like he's 48. Oh, and as far as I know, he has been tested for PTSD since he got home and nothing ever became of it. They said what he is experiencing is pretty normal for a man coming back from combat. With that being said, they are also recommending he doesn't redeploy any time in the near future, but that isn't anything that hasn't been recommended for all of the other men and women in his command.

He's changed. He's talking to other girls, he wants to see what life has to offer because I'm sure that while in combat something clicked in his head saying "hey, life is really short!" and he's not sure if he wants to settle down right now. Better you find this out now before you get married and have to deal with it.

He doesn't want to talk about marriage and it doesn't seem like he wants to commit the way you do. I think you should definitely take a step back from this relationship. Sure, take it one day at a time, but if you're talking about not having regrets, do you really want to be with someone that doesn't feel the same way you do anymore?

You must make the decision to continue on this path, of what may be false hope, or end this cleanly, and move on with your life, by cutting all contact with him.

I know its not an easy choice given your feelings, but it is necessary.

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Originally Posted by Rockstar714

He's changed. He's talking to other girls, he wants to see what life has to offer because I'm sure that while in combat something clicked in his head saying "hey, life is really short!" and he's not sure if he wants to settle down right now. Better you find this out now before you get married and have to deal with it.

He doesn't want to talk about marriage and it doesn't seem like he wants to commit the way you do. I think you should definitely take a step back from this relationship. Sure, take it one day at a time, but if you're talking about not having regrets, do you really want to be with someone that doesn't feel the same way you do anymore?

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Ok, Maybe I can't see things quite like this because I am in the thick of it all, or maybe I am just a little emotional about this whole thing because of all that I have invested, but don't you think that's a little bit harsh? He has always had women friends, and that has never been a secret. When I say women friend, I am not referring to girlfriends - like me, I am saying exactly what they are women who are friends. He isn't interested in them romantically and they aren't interested in him romantically. I know about them and they know about me. It isn't the friends that I have a hard time with. It's the fact that we can't figure out what changed between the time we got engaged and now. We are in constant contact, daily, and he is the one who starts it. When we aren't together, we are either on the phone or communicating through email, online IM, or text message. We even share common bills, like our cell phone. When I say share, I mean we signed a contract in both of our names for two years. I am also in daily contact with his family, and I live with them. They have accepted me as if I were one of their own. I know that this was his first serious relationship. Maybe he just got scared. I know that he worries about being in the Military and me being alone during deployments. Not because he doesn't trust me, but because he worries about what will happen to me if he deploys and doesn't make it back. Being a military couple isn't easy, but I knew that going in. I don't know. I appreciate everyone's feedback. Maybe I am just over reacting here. Or maybe everyone is right, and I am just too stubburn to see it. I don't know. Either way, he cares about me and I care about him and weather or not we are engaged right now makes no difference to me. I just realized that. As long as we are together, and happy, which we are for the most part then I am going to just leave the rest to what is part of Life's plan for us. Thank you everyone for helping me talk and think this through. I am OK for now. I am not going to worry about something that hasn't happened yet - me losing him, because I haven't lost him and I am not sure that I will. I need to just see him as the blessing that he is and enjoy every day, one day at a time, that I have with him without stressing about titles and such. Again, thank you everyone. I hope everyone has a great day!

Well if he's not cheating or wanting to be romantically involved with those other girls and he's willing to stick it out, maybe you're right, maybe he is just scared. Give it time. My boyfriend and I had to back off from talking about things like marriage because I got scared. I still am.

I wouldn't stress, having to go to Iraq was probably just incredibly difficult for him and you should give him some time.

You have to realize he is in the Army, in another country, doing things that make people realize that all the bf/gf things are not on top of their priority list. War changes people and gives them a different perspective. My son broke up with his girlfriend last time he was on leave because he realizes that a long distant relationship is difficult enough without the added stress of being in the Army.
He is on the battlefield the last thing he needs is to be distracted by wonder what she is doing, wonder if she is seeing somebody else, after all I have been gone for over a year,.

He could just want to be fair to you and give you your freedom and wait until he comes home for good to see where things go from there.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

You have to realize he is in the Army, in another country, doing things that make people realize that all the bf/gf things are not on top of their priority list. War changes people and gives them a different perspective. My son broke up with his gf last time he was on leave because he realizes that a long distant relationship is difficult enough without the added stress of being in the Army.
He could just want to be fair to you and give you your freedom and wait til he comes home for good to see where things go from there.

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Yeah, you may be right, but I still feel like I owe it to him and me to try and stick it out a little longer. I mean, I have stood beside him this entire time, and I never once did it because I had to but because I wanted too, so what is a little longer? It was never about the title anyway, of fiancée or wife, it was about being with the man that I love and the two of us being happy and enjoying life together. I don't know all that he went through while he was over there, but from what I do know it doesn't sound as if it was a good time. A lot of what he was faced with over there, went against a lot of his beliefs, and the way he was raised, but he did it anyway because he of his love for his country. For that I respect him and I am very proud of him. I don't know that, if faced with the same things he has been faced with, that I could have handled things as well as he has. I have a lot of friends who also have significant others in the Military, fighting over seas, so I know that things change and relationships change, and not always for the good. I have seen my share of breakups or trial separations. They aren't fun, but they are a reality, especially when one of the two in a couple is in the Military and faced with the uncertainty of where there will be asked to be from one day to the next. Thank you for your input. It is very much heard and appreciated. :)

There is no guarantee when he comes back he will want to be your boyfriend,
You have to decide that it will be no loss to you if you wait and he comes home and doesn't want to be with you. Otherwise maybe you should go out and enjoy. If you don't want to date anybody else maybe you could find groups of friends to hang out with and enjoy their company.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

There is no guarantee when he comes back he will want to be your boyfriend,
You have to decide that it will be no loss to you if you wait and he comes home and doesn't want to be with you. Otherwise maybe you should go out and enjoy. If you don't want to date anybody else maybe you could find groups of friends to hang out with and enjoy their company.

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He is already back. He has been home for a couple months now. I realize there are no guarantees, but the fact that we have been in constant contact, though, since he got back gives me hope. In talking with him, since he got home, and even as recent as this morning, he he has explained to me that he got scared. He told me that being engaged made him feel as if we had to get married right now, and he doesn't think that would be fair to me, being that he has to deploy at least one more time before his enlistment is up. I told him that I was willing to wait until he was ready to get married. I am not in a hurry. I want him to be just as sure of this as I am. I don't want to be with anyone else. I can't imagine life with anyone else. I have friend, military and civilian, and I plan to continue with them as well as with my boyfriend.

All of your advice has been very helpful and I really appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time out to share your point of view with me. :)

Oh I thought you were saying he was leaving again.
Encourage and assure him so he realizes he doesn't need to rely on his unnecessary fears.
That you want to be there for him through thick and thin and going at his pace is fine.

You had me thinking he had broken everything off, and seeing others so forgive my confusion.

I think your right though, as give him time to get over his experience defending his country and see where your at. You both must adjust to the changes, and decide what you want.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

oh I thought you were saying he was leaving again.
Encourage and assure him so he realizes he doesn't need to rely on his unnecessary fears.
That you want to be there for him through thick and thin and going at his pace is fine.

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Thank you! I will do that. Actually, that's what I have been doing all a long, so I will continue to do that. :)

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You had me thinking he had broken everything off, and seeing others so forgive my confusion.

I think your right though, as give him time to get over his experience defending his country and see where your at. You both must adjust to the changes, and decide what you want.

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Yes, I agree. I realize that there are no guarantees, but I still want to stick it out. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am not sure what our reason is, for slowing things down, but I would rather slow things down a bit and have him in my life, and do things at the speed that he is comfortable rather then speed them up and ruin any chance that he and I may have at a future together. I guess my whole point, from the beginning, was to sort all of this through so that I could understand how it is that my boyfriend and I went from being engaged one day to just dating the next. I needed some one else prospective on this. Someone who could be open and honest with me without having to worry about offending me. A lot of my friends and family, who know both my boyfriend and I, tend to tell me what they think I want to hear instead of what I need to hear.

I realized even before he got home from deployment that it wouldn't be easy. I did a lot of reading about what to expect, plus I spoke with a lot of my friends who had loved ones come home even before my boyfriend did. Believe it or not, it wasn't as bad as I would had expected that it would be. I have heard a lot worse homecoming stories.

Anyway, thank you everyone for helping me talk this through. I appreciate everyone taking the time to give their input. All of what was said helped a great deal, weather you know it or not.