Hi All
Well my Partner of 18 years packed her bags(well took most of her things) and moved out.
I am devastated and feel so alone. Everywhere I look I can see her, can't bear the thought of sleeping alone in our bed. Her dirty T-shirt still there from this morning.

I have made an appointment with the counselor as I need to talk and let my feeling flow, a total stranger who hopefully will put my mind at rest.

I don't know what to do, I keep thinking of her, want to phone her and talk, see her. I promised to leave her alone for the time being as she asked me to, I will but its so hard. I have always talked to her for the past 18 years and having to stop so abruptly its tearing me apart.

She said that she does not want to be in a relationship with me at the moment and she needs space. She can't be dealing with my emotional blackmail (which I have been doing) and that she wants to live alone, being miserable on her own.

What can I do, I know I love her with all my heart and soul, will this get easier in time. I there a light at the end, could it even be that one day she might just come back?? Is there HOPE??

She said that she still cares and loves me to the hilt, but she needs to find what has been missing from her life.

Any advice PLEASE

Poppysue xxxxxx

Hi PoppySue,

I am sorry that you are going through this, especially after 18 years with someone. All I can say is to try and give her space. Perhaps in time, she will come back, but in the meantime, for her, and most importantly for yourself, give her space. You should now take this opportunity to do things for yourself, start the healing process, and gain strength. You mentioned that you were emotionally blackmailing her. If I may ask, what the reasons that provoked this?

Hi Starlite
Well the blackmailing came about when she first told me that even so she loved and cared for me still. I asked her if she still loved me sooo much why is she leaving. Also I brought up that she promised my Father just before he died that she will always love and look after me.
You know the type of "blackmail" you try and try just to keep the one you love.

Well when I do get upset and (my heart is so broken) you think of the things what brought us together first, like when we first met, first kiss( butterflies and goosepimples all over you) I have never lost that feeling even after all these years.

Before she moved out we stayed in the same house and bed, for the last 4 weeks, She told me its over about 6 weeks ago. She stayed on and off for a couple of days with a Friend of ours. So when she was here she always came back in agony as the friends bed is very uncomfortable.
Every night she would ask for a massage as she always had a bad back, or we would hug still. One night as I massaged her we both got, well turned on ( you know what I mean) and the next morning she went to work and when she came back she packed her bags,
( yesterday). I have done the blackmail in the beginning ( 6 weeks ago) and I have tried very very hard not to do it when she was here. I know I should'nt have but now and then I got very upset and cried, and had quite a few Jack Daniels.
I tried to give her the space, and now I have no option but to do it. I don't know where she is, and I have promised her not to ring or text her for a while. Its hard I miss her, all the things about her, the way we can talk for hours, the way she stroked my hair as she walked passed me, just her being hear. I can't sleep in the bed as I miss her breathing.
Help

Hi poppusue,

I'm sorry you heart has been broken, I see you are a new member, so am I. I saw your question and it touched me.
I too was very much in love, think I am still in love with him, and we were separated for terrible reasons.
It took forever for me to let go, I kept thinking he would come back, but he didn't.
Money, drugs, and power were more important to him than me and my beautiful daughter.

I got myself into more legal trouble because of the way I handled the break up , than it was worth. If I had to do it all again, I would have been stronger.

Just because someone goes away, doesn't mean they don't love you anymore, they just don't love you in the right way.

Do you really want that? Don't you think you deserve to be loved like you want to be.
I turned to other men, tried to make new relationships, but I was so disabled mentally by that one, I couldn't make another one work. I would always screw up, or maybe I didn't see things about myself, or maybe he damaged me too much.

I've done a lot of the same things you have. Blackmail, messages. Why I still will leave him a message once in awhile, but he never responds.

It doesn't get better, but you learn it's over. As hard as it may seem. I was with him 9 years, still live in the same town, he is now with a very bad person, his mother calls me and wants me to help, and I tell her I can't. He didn't want my help then, he is not asking for it now.

I'm not sure how old you are, but in the movie "Romancing the Stone", Kathleen Turner, character had someone tell her she was a hopeless romantic, and she said no,
I am a hopeful romantic.

You'll know when it is time to let go. Just don't let it ruin your life , like I let it ruin mine.

They'll be someone, loneliness is awful, but you get to know yourself.

Good luck.

Hi Reesetees

Thank you very much for your reply. Don't worry I have not attempted to do anything stupid, as I have my kids feelings to consider aprt from my own. All I do is cry and feel like she has ripped my heart out. I always will love her and at this point in time I just don't see a way forward. I seem to be taking one step forward and three back. The only clear thing in my mind right now is to seek help as it is affecting my health and working life. That's why I am going for counseling, maybe just maybe he or she can give me something (verbally or otherwise ) to help me cope.

I am 48 years old and I have devoted my life to her for 18 years, like I said before she still makes me feel like on the very time we met inside.
One day I will feel better but I don't see any light at the end yet.

I am so glad you turned your life around and ar better now, if you could do it I am sure I can.
Thank you
)))Hug((((((

poppysue x

Poppy, just as I've said before, continue seeing a counselor and you will get through this. Don't stop coming to this site as we are ALL here to help you through this difficult time. Things will get better and I wish you luck in this journey but don't think you're going at it alone

Very True, PoppySue,

We all know how you are feeling and what you are going through. We are all here for you, my friend. It may not seem like it now, but, you will get through this, and you will get stronger. You WILL be happy again :) . I'm not sure if you have done so already, but I suggest that you read the 'stickys' on the top of the Relationship board. They are beautifully written, and they are right on target. And they really do help.

I wish you peace and strength. Keep us updated, and of course, like Rome said, keep posting here. We are all here to help.

Hey Poppysue,

Believe me my life isn't so great, but that should go under another question category here. I've been on Klonopin ever since the break up almost 4 years ago.

But I have had other situations that have caused me to have a lot of anxiety. Keep up with the counseling, try and get into group counseling, like this, but maybe physically in a group with other people, you might meet people, make connections...

I know my brother wife left him a few months ago , totally unexpected, it is his second marriage but he loved her very much, has no clue why she is blaming the breakup all on him, barely talks to him and is totally trying to crucify him in the divorce, and they have no children together. It is a terrible situation for him. But he is religious (born again) and has very strong spiritual beliefs.

My brother loves to hike, and he found a single group that hikes every Sunday morning and he has been going and making new friends, both male and female that can relate with what he is going through, plus he gets the joy of hiking which he and his ex loved to do, I thought it was a bad idea for him, bring back to many memories, but he wasn't going to let her take away the things he loved to do. In his case, he says he prayed to Jesus for guidance and found this group.

I may even take my first step and go with him this weekend, he is 48 I am 46.

I'm really glad I found this site. Lord knows I need some communication with the world, as I have been unemployed for 7 months, am down to my last week of unemployment, have the landlord on my back, have tried everywhere, very few responses on jobs.
And I really have no friends in this town. They are all from my past , and are drug users and alcoholics, which is not good for me.

Here we were suppose to be talking about you.

But really , just keep coming back, I know I will, and hang in there , you are not alone, and just by finding and going on this site, shows you want support and help. And that is a positive move... So you have a good day. I'm not sure if you are a religious person, but if you are , give yourself a day off from your problems, just forget about it ask God to take care of the day for you.

If you aren't a religious person, take a day off from your problems anyway. It can really help to just let go, for one day... and then you may find that you want this day off once a week or something like that. SO HAVE A HAPPY DAY! You deserve one... :)

To all of you Reesetees, Romefalls19 and Starlite1

I will keep you updated. My first appoingment with the Counselor is next Thursday.

Thank you all sooooo much for listening and I Promise I will keep on writing on this side.

Reesetees - I am not a religious person but thank you, and please keep trying, we both do it together, OK? Have a Happy day too as you deserve one too. :)

Romefall19 - Thank you I promise I will keep on writing.:o

Starlite1 - Thank you to you too. :o

)))))))))))Hugs(((((((((((((( to all of you

Poppysue

Hey Poppysue,

Just wondering how your holding up?
See this is what you do when you are lonely. You talk to others, even if it's the internet.

I have a very good friend, we had a terrible fight the 4th of July, she is my girlfriend, not lesbian girlfirend but my girlfriend, we finally started talking on the e-mail yesterday, yet I am afraid , because I know she is a bad influence on me.

She doesn't mean to be, but she is. I miss her friendship a lot, and really want to keep it to just keeping in touch through e-mail, She was really my only friend in this town.

Poppysue, what do you think I should do? Do you have any suggestions for me? I would really appreciate it, this friend got me through my breakup, gave me a place to live, help me through jail, yet we are volatile together. And she has no record, and me I'm trying to rebuild my life which is one more year of probation with no trouble.

Should I stay away from her? I know this was your question, but as you go on you will see other things in life come up to.

If anyone else out there has an answer for me, or suggestion, I would appreciate your feedback.

I believe we all live these lives that are different , yet somehow bring us together.

Do you have friends Poppysue, who can help you get through this, you've talked about her so much, which I understand, but do you have friends that help but hurt your life in a way.

Hi Reesetees
Well first of all I am holding it together for the moment, but I have some news.

But foremost to your question about your friend. If she has helped you by doing all those things, i.e. helping you through your breakup, giving you a temp home etc. that all good and great but you say you two are volatile together - if you don't mind me asking- do you mean she would get you back into trouble ?
Wwell if that's the case stay in touch via e-mail or phonecalls for a while and see how things between you two progress. Eventually you could meet her for a coffee in a café (not at your or her home). If you miss her friendship but feel vunerable in her company for now take one step at a time PLEASE. You are doing so well don't be influenced by anyone who could put you back, because you have achieved so much to get where you are right now.

My news is my Partner has moved back home but sleeps in the spare room, this is hard for me, but I am OK so far coping with her being in the same space. Besides it is her home too and neither of us can afford to live somewhere else financially.
ONLY - last night I went to bed and was just about getting to sleep when she came in my bedroom and well we had (you know). Afterwards I cried myself to sleep for being soooo weak, and this morning she can't even look me in the eye.
You see I feel such a fool for letting her.

As for friend I do have lots of them but they are also my partners friends so it is a bit arckward. As our friends don't want to take sides.
In other words I do not have any friends, but hopefully I can class you as my friend.

Poppysue

Quote:

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Originally Posted by poppysue

Hi Reesetees
Well first of all I am holding it together for the moment, but I have some news.

But formost to your question about your friend. If she has helped you by doing all those things, i.e. helping you through your breakup, giving you a temp home ect. that all good and great but you say you two are volatile together - if you don't mind me asking- do you mean she would get you back into trouble ?
Wwell if thats the case stay in touch via e-mail or phonecalls for a while and see how things between you two progress. eventually you could meet her for a coffee in a cafe (not at your or her home). If you miss her friendship but feel vunerable in her company for now take one step at a time PLEASE. You are doing so well don't be influenced by anyone who could put you back, because you have achieved so much to get where you are right now.

My news is my Partner has moved back home but sleeps in the spare room, this is hard for me, but I am ok so far coping with her being in the same space. Besides it is her home too and neither of us can afford to live somewhere else financially.
ONLY - last night I went to bed and was just about getting to sleep when she came in my bedroom and well we had (you know). Afterwards I cried myself to sleep for being soooo weak, and this morning she can't even look me in the eye.
You see I feel such a fool for letting her.

As for friend I do have lots of them but they are also my partners friends so it is a bit arckward. as our friends don't want to take sides.
In other words I do not have any friends, but hopefully I can class you as my friend.

Poppysue

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Ya know what, that is going to be really difficult, having her live there? I know you sounded like you don't have any family on your side that you can go to for temporary living space, but does she... And I totally understand the friend thing. He got them all in my deal. I found new ones, but they weren't right for me.

I wouldn't feel like a fool, I mean 18 years together is a long time. I'm sure she still loves you, but on one hand she needs her space and then she crawls into bed with you.. And then can't look you in the eye this morning... Lock your door at night. It sounds like she is the one with the issues, and you are the one having to deal with them..

When you go to the counselor, please be honest. It's weird going to a stranger and it may take a couple of visits, or you may not get along, I've had to switch counselors before. Not everyone takes to everyone, and having a therapist you are comfortable with is very important.

Thanks for the input on my friend. I appreciate it. I know it is best to stay away for now, you see I am on probation, so where I live any fights or arguments that may get the police involved, could really put me back into jail.

I'm on a huge pity pot. I posted a long story last night on a differnet board, and this guy really gave it to me. But I needed it and I thanked him for it..

So sometimes I feel like I am not the greatest person to give out advice, Because I need to take it myself. But I have lived through a lot. And I have been where you are.
And I bet your counselor will probably tell you the same thing about the living arrangements, if there is no other way, You are going to have to set some rules with her, no matter how hard it is for you.

Remember, Lock on your bedroom door/ buy one today if you don't have one... It may sound silly but at least she won't get the close to your vulnerability? Is she seeking counseling? I hope so... Let me know how it goes...

Hi reesetees
No I don't have any family here in britain, I am originally from Germany. She has no family as her brothera and sister don't want to know, they don't like her because she is a lesbian. But that's a different story.

She has gone out for the evening and yes I do have a lock on my door. It was not the fact so much that we had s... it was the fact that it was very loving and tender that made me cry, and I realised that I want her so much and I well enjoyed it. She has been cold this morning but just before she went out she kissed me and said "see you later". I can't cope with this uncertainty, but I will hang in there

Oh I will be honest with the counselor, I can't wait as I feel very vunerable and lonely. And as far as she is concerned she has neither agreed nor dismissed the idea of going to counelling, so I have not got a clue.

You be careful and YOU have beeeeeeen a great person to give me advice. Keep in touch and we keep each other informed.

Sue (my real name)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by poppysue

Hi reesetees
No I don't have any family here in britain, I am originally from Germany. She has no family as her brothera and sister don't wnat to know, they don't like her because she is a lesbian. But thats a different story.

She has gone out for the evening and yes I do have a lock on my door. It was not the fact so much that we had s..... it was the fact that it was very loving and tender that made me cry, and I realised that I want her so much and I well enjoyed it. She has been cold this morning but just before she went out she kissed me and said "see you later". I can't cope with this uncertainty, but I will hang in there

Oh I will be honest with the councellor, I can't wait as I feel very vunerable and lonley. And as far as she is concerned she has neither agreed nor dismissed the idea of going to counelling, so I have not got a clue.

You be careful and YOU have beeeeeeen a great person to give me advice. Keep in touch and we keep each other informed.

Sue (my real name)

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Just keep me up to date, who knows maybe we can help each other, you live in Britain, that is so cool. Has to be more exciting than where I am from... I would still keep the door locked, sex can really interfer with the head... Obviously the sex isn't the problem, so maybe if you two leave it out for awhile, you can figure out what it is, Hope the counseling goes well

Hi Reesetees

Just wondering how you are doing? Hope you are keeping well and are happy.
Well my Partner and I had a very long chat about our future, and we decided to take things one day at a time. We do cuddle and kiss and (you know what). Which is very nice and I am happy about that. She still goes out or does her own thing, which I don't mind, but she now tell me about it or asks if I mind that she does this or goes there. I don't want to rock the boat and I am happy that when she is at home she pays me attention and we are, well like old times. That's all I ever wanted, and I told her that. She also realised that I have never stopped her from doing things and that all I ever wanted to know where she is so I don't worry. She appologised. I am not saying that she is out all the time, but when she is here when I come from work is nice and she is most evenings at home.
I also go out, not as often (I like being at home)

Oh she is coming with me to see the counselor as she feels that we both need to, but she says she needs to as she can't understand why she is feeling the way she does.

Hope you OK and please keep in touch

Poppysue