On June 28th 2008 I married the man of my dreams. We were only married not even a week and I caught him looking at porn. He said he was sorry and that he would never do it again but it still keeps eating me up and its hard to trust him anymore. He really doesn't act like he used to. We were always happy and laughing now I'm lucky if he even throws a smile my way.. he says he loves me and that he will never leave me. I have no idea what I should do. I wanted to leave but I don't believe in divoris but I don't really see another solution to this problem..
Please someone help me:confused:

Set the porn issue aside for now as a non issue and deal with the other problems.
The porn very likely isn't the problem unless he is real caught up in it like an addiction.

Okay. Your man looking at porn is not the end of the world. Men are very visual, and they need this stimulus sometimes. Also, like any male of any specie, they are hardwired to "increase the population" as much as possible. I.e. "Spread his seed." A good majority of men however, faithfully ignore that impulse and stay committed to their loved one. It sounds to me, that the distance that you are noticing needs to be addressed first. Part of this could be because of the fact that something he thinks he needs might be taken away from him, he is going to hunker down and save it. Try a non-confrontational approach, and ask him about the porn, what about it does he like? The girls, the activities, the result, the music, and whatever? Try shopping for porn with him. You might find that those stores are now catering to couples, and have lost their seediness. Also you might find something interesting for yourself, like maybe a garment, or a lotion. Don't make him feel like a "bad dog", when he watches porn. Understand his needs and see if you can help.
On a lighter note, some friends of mine at last minute, "kidnapped" me to a male review. Cell phones were not all the rage back then, and I had no way of telling my husband where I was until I was dropped off at my doorstop, drunk four hours later. He got furious, thinking that I was going to run off with some muscle bound man. I shut him up when I told him, "Yeah, I could go home to any of them, but I wanted to go home with the sexiest one, and.... that's why I'm here!". I think I passed out after that, but the next morning my husband was all nice and very helpful. I also told my friends, if they ever do that again, and I'll kill them!

I ended up getting a divorce, but that's another story...

Get a new hair cut, Color your hair, Buy new lingerie, Spice up your sex life, Get into shape, read beauty articles... You're in marriage. Sulking and ending about porn is NOT THE MOST INTELLIGENT ANSWER THIS TIME. Be positive and exude a great attitude!

Ya, get your hair cut and everything will be just fine. Huh? :(

Have you talked to hubby about how you feel? Maybe it's time to go to marriage counselling and get to the root of the problem. Remember that the first year of marriage is often the hardest. You're in it now, you made your choice, don't give up. Talk, talk, talk, I have a feeling that hubby has no idea how you're feeling.

As for the porn, that's not an issue unless he's addicted to porn. He shouldn't be doing it if you are uncomfortable with it, but you need to tell him. If he hasn't watched it since you caught him, then forgive and forget.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Ya, get your hair cut and everything will be just fine. Huh? :(
Good luck.

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What I mean is she feels invisible. As the other guy mentioned in his post BIGBOOPER, men are visual. Woman has to be attractive to get the mans attention.And yes the guy already knows that she doesn't like the porn present.

It takes two to make a marriage work, and getting your hair cut or lingerie just to get some attention, that's a quick fix, and it won't last long or solve the underlying problem.

If it will make her feel better to get her hair done etc. then by all means, go for it, but if it's just for him, well, that's not going to work in the long run. They need to talk and find out why this is happening. The key to a good relationship is communication, without that there's nothing.

We don't know yet how deep is the issue. Cooper101 already told her husband about her feelings.Who knows improving the image will help for a spice? Then we can proceed to DEEPER DEEPER talk, counseling thing. Men hates drama/ confrontation. Making things lights will make them understand better.

ylaira, are you talking from first hand experience? Are you married, do you have a husband who you need to talk down to in order for him to understand? Is you rappearance the only reason he married you, and if you weren't pretty anymore he'd be out the door? Drama and confrontation, I don't know anyone who likes that, men and women alike, but sometimes it's necessary in order to get your point across. We aren't living in the 1800's where women go around doing everything to please there husbands and never saying what's on their minds because they're afraid he'll leave or not understand.

Now, I've been happily married for 13 years, hubby and I have been together for 18, and we're very happy together. We've had bad times, times when something has bothered one of us. Did I get my hair done and make light of things? NO! I told him what was bothering me, and we talked it out and worked it out. That's how marriage works, it's a partnership.

Communication is key, say what's on your mind, don't sugar coat it, unless you want things to stay the same way they are now.

Good luck.

Lucky you, your husband may have a bigger ears than our friend here. Im not saying that that's the ONLY SOLUTION. Its just a suggestion and if it doesn't work, then I'll ask her to buy megaphone or have super intimate talk w/ a counselor. I haven't mentioned that she "might have" some security issues too that she MIGHT have to work on.

It is already apparent in my "read between the lines" opinion, that this is not strictly an issue of her catching him watching porn. They have only been married two weeks and two days. There must be other issues that should've been worked out before they took that stroll down the aisle.

SINCE they have only been married for 2 weeks, a new haircut, manicure, or pretty new dress is a waste of money! After two weeks no normal couple should have to be worried about "spicing things up"! That is absolutely ridiculous! Aside from that, are we living in the dark ages here? Why is it up to the wife to go to such lengths in order to "keep" her husband happy, so he doesn't feel the need to look at porn! No amount of makeup, hair colour, or sexy lingerie is going to stop him from looking at porn if he wants to do it!

Unless the OP sees addictive behaviour, she might just have problems of her own in the sex dept. The only thing that can help with that is plain and simple, flat out communication! Cooper101 should have established that before the walk down the aisle, but the papers are signed, sealed, and delivered now.

A marrige isn't the fairytale day, that you all looked happy go lucky, and said "I DO". A lot of marriages fail, because there was no thought put into the JOB that you are taking on when you marry someone! Without a lot of honest communication and a sincere friendship between the two people, there are going to be a lot of things that the will make you just want to give up, and throw in the towel without doing the actual work.

It is work, and will probably be the hardest job you've ever had in your life Cooper101. If what your husband is doing upsets you that much, and you have tried counselling and other methods of communicating, and this to you is just a deal breaker,. well then, call it a lapse in judgement and move on. However, I think you should have to work as hard to get out of the marriage, as you did getting into it.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

What I mean is she feels invisible. As the other guy mentioned in his post BIGBOOPER, men are visual. Woman has to be attractive to get the mans attention.And yes the guy already knows that she doesnt like the porn present.

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Actually *ahem* I'm a girl. My nickname and avatar are that of the legendary BigBopper of 50's music fame. It's actually a play on another nickname that I have but could not use here because it was already taken. "Big". But that's okay, I get called Sir several times, for lord knows what reason... :confused:

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Originally Posted by BIGBOPPER

Actually *ahem* I'm a girl. My nickname and avatar are that of the legendary BigBopper of 50's music fame. It's actually a play on another nickname that I have but could not use here because it was already taken. "Big". But that's okay, I get called Sir several times, for lord knows what reason....:confused:

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Originally Posted by BIGBOPPER

Okay. Your man looking at porn is not the end of the world. Men are very visual, and they need this stimulus sometimes. Also, like any male of any specie, they are hardwired to "increase the population" as much as possible. I.e. "Spread his seed." A good majority of men however, faithfully ignore that impulse and stay committed to their loved one. It sounds to me, that the distance that you are noticing needs to be addressed first. Part of this could be because of the fact that something he thinks he needs might be taken away from him, he is going to hunker down and save it. Try a non-confrontational approach, and ask him about the porn, what about it does he like? The girls, the activities, the result, the music, and whatever? Try shopping for porn with him. You might find that those stores are now catering to couples, and have lost their seediness. Also you might find something interesting for yourself, like maybe a garment, or a lotion. Don't make him feel like a "bad dog", when he watches porn. Understand his needs and see if you can help.
On a lighter note, some friends of mine at last minute, "kidnapped" me to a male review. Cell phones were not all the rage back then, and I had no way of telling my husband where I was until I was dropped off at my doorstop, drunk four hours later. He got furious, thinking that I was going to run off with some muscle bound man. I shut him up when I told him, "Yeah, I could go home to any of them, but I wanted to go home with the sexiest one, and.... that's why I'm here!". I think I passed out after that, but the next morning my husband was all nice and very helpful. I also told my friends, if they ever do that again, and I'll kill them!

I ended up getting a divorce, but that's another story.....

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Im sorry for mistake. But i really like ur comment not to take her problem too hard unless...unless....They're just newly wed and it should be fun! Ur good in reading men's mind..

Guys looking at nude women. Women, some more openly than others, like watching porn, too, especially if it's together with their guy...

Have you talked with him about his not throwing you a smile (I tried to use your words to keep it relevant, not to pick on them)? Have you talked with him about what you perceive to be a change from when was it, a few months ago, or longer back than that?

To think that you are ready to ditch him over looking at nude / porn pictures and not smiling enough makes me think you are kind of freaked out about the idea of marriage signaling that you are locked in somehow unless you "free" yourself from this binding commitment by dumping him. Talk with him. Love him. He will reciprocate. If not, let him know it seems he's not. If that doesn't work, and not over a period of a couple of days, either, then seek out professional help, not by saying you need to go to a marriage councilor, but yourself see one, to see what other ideas the professional may have for you in this process. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

Im sorry for mistake. But i really like ur comment not to take her problem too hard unless...unless....They're just newly wed and it should be fun! Ur good in reading men's mind..

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No problem! The most important thing is constructive communication. If she has a problem with porn, then she should have told him well before they got hitched. What a lot of women have been led to believe, is that looking at porn means so many negative things. That is not true. Men don't "cheat with their eye's", when they watch a film. It only becomes a problem when the porn, (or the fishing, or the football, or the beer for that matter), become more important than his relationship with his wife. Then counseling, or re-ignition of the "flame" can come into play. If not, then unlike our current, Commander-in-Chief, have an "exit strategy" in place.

I have experience with that first hand. I got rid of my first husband because of his addictions. Well, Actually the State of Florida helped me... But.

Back to porn. There are a few things that you need to keep in mind with it. A) Don't ever try this at home. Trying to learn sexual positions, maneuvers, tricks from porn is a bad place to start. One thing, unless you are rail thin, have studied at the ballet academy, and have the help of a couple of off camera grips. (I caught a goof like that in a porn once, it was too funny). It will be difficult to do. You don't know how many "takes" it took for that scene to be filmed. And besides, since you can't yell "Cut!", then whatever bliss you get from that position will be short lived and a buzz-kill. Try learning from books on the subject, internet websites and things that offer sensible advice on how to get into position, how to perform acts, and what not.
This very website can help too.
B.) The eyes have it. Men, as I said before, think with their eyes. That is why mostly visual stimulus works on them. Like Erma Bombeck probably said, "get his attention? Dress like a linebacker!" But like the other poster said, women can fine porn stimulating too, I am one of those, who have bookmark free online porn videos...
Women tend to be more aural, or use their eyes to get "naughty" stuff by reading. That is why soap operas and harlequin romances are popular. Want to get your women aroused? Talk naughty. Not vulgar, mind you. And see what happens.

I bring to the table 42 years experience as a human being. I am very sexual, but I did receive formal training in the psychology of human sexuality 19 long years ago in Statesboro Georgia, Georgian Southern University. I have since kept up to date on the subject matter, because it interests me. I have had a myriad of experiences with partners of both sexes, and I would maybe someday like to write as a advice columnist.

I just realized that this is a big honking post. So I'll shut up now. Sorry!:eek: