What do you do when you've dealt with unrequited love since the beginning of high school? (now graduated) I've been in love with this perfect girl for a long time, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and we have very much in common (very unbelievably shy, smart, sweet, flutist in band, same gifted program), but we've never talked. But despite that, we know each other from our mothers (best friends).

As far as I know, she and I have been in many classes together since the 2nd grade, I just never paid any attention to her back then.

I sent her love notes throughout my first 2 years... she didn't seem to respond to any one of them, I didn't know what that meant at the time, and after trying, I stopped with the notes at the beginning of our junior year. Word got out throughout the year and she is now aware that I like her.

During marching and concert band seasons I've noticed she glances at me often (we both play flute, 1st chair) and whenever I look back, either our eyes meet for a second or two, or she looks away right as I looked at her. But I'm still so unsure as to whether she actually likes me or not.
I was wondering if she was glancing past me, however, the saxaphones convinced me otherwise.


People say we'd be wonderful together, and throughout each event outside of school (parties, vacations, barbecues, etc) it's usually random happenings, she or I move closer to the other, or other times, one of us would stay as far away from the other as possible. I've cried and cried over her many times in the past, because to me, I want to love this girl... protect, spoil, cherish, admire and I've tried so hard to turn my feelings for her off, I'm sick of constantly crying for her because I'm not with her, because I can't see her, yet the sight of her makes me happy and I would do anything and everything for her. But I'm hoping for some advice from anyone reading this. Love's a beautiful thing, but so far, it's been bliss and torture...

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Originally Posted by Jalen Schmidt

... but we've never talked

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Wow, sheesh. Ignoring the love notes were probably her official response to you, but it's easier to be "tormented" by all your perfect thoughts of this perfect girl you've constructed in your head than it is to actually call her up or "accidently" run into her and start a conversation and ask her out for fear of forever destroying any chance you had with her (which I'd wager is nil after this amount of time), yes? You're your own worst enemy. The best thing you can do for yourself is start talking to any and all girls you come across to help with the shy thing, and maybe even have a go at one-on-one dating too. At the very least, the pain of the rejection you'll likely encounter should help clear some of that romantic nonsense floating around in your head. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... and you'll just keep being miserable pining away for her until you're a lonely thirty-something with no dating skills getting chewed up and spit out by bitter divorcées who are in the same boat. What you've described isn't love, it's obsession of your own construction.

You don't even know this person. What's her favorite color, food, band? Does she like rough sex? Is her belly button an innie or an outie? Does she snore or drool when she sleeps? Can she balance a checkbook? Does she leave dishes in the sink for 4 days? Is she allergic to cats? etc. etc. I hope I've scared you somewhat, because the path you're on is self-destructive, can lead to severe depression if you're not already there, and isn't healthy long term. I'd also suggest you see a counselor of some sort to help you deal with the feelings.

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Originally Posted by Scleros

Wow, sheesh. It's easier to be "tormented" by all your perfect thoughts of this perfect girl you've constructed in your head than it is to actually call her up or "accidently" run into her and start a conversation and ask her out for fear of forever destroying any chance you had with her, yes? You're your own worst enemy. The best thing you can do for yourself is start talking to any and all girls you come across, and maybe actually having a go at one-on-one dating too. At the very least, the pain of the rejection you'll likely encounter should help clear some of that romantic nonsense floating around in your head. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... and you'll just keep being miserable.

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I'll admit that I've been having troubles finding out her actual flaws, and I am worried myself that I may be putting her on a pedastal much higher than she deserves to be, at least you've given me something to think about. Thanks for slightly clearing my head I guess...

Oh
The last thing I want to do is argue with anyone about this issue I've been dealing with for quite a while. So watch it.

Welcome to another phase of life. There are things that we want so badly but just have to give up for better reasons called Acceptance.Acceptance teaches understanding, understanding teaches patience, patience teaches us to be strong.

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Originally Posted by Jalen Schmidt

The last thing I want to do is argue with anyone...

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I have been down your road; I wish someone would have slapped some sense into me. You will perhaps make different choices than I did or encounter a favorable response from her, but be aware it is possible for it to get a lot darker before it gets better; 4+ years is a SHORT time. How strong are you? If she doesn't return your affections, you only have two choices - summon up the mental fortitude and decide to get over it and move on or continue pining away at the expense of your sanity. You're at the stage of your life where you need to be "playing the field" so to speak. I'm not saying go out and be a slut, but investing all your effort into the pursuit of one, instead of improving and growing yourself so that you are attractive to many isn't a good use of this time.

Other more qualified folks on this board will likely chime in and their responses will probably be more eloquent and also potentially more harsh. Everyone calls it as they see it. I think you're in trouble because I see characteristics of myself in you and I know how that turned out. What sort of response were you expecting from this forum, a sure fire have-her-hop-in-your-lap technique? Have you even asked her out? Why can't you see her? If she's flat out rejected you, get used to it, that's going to happen a lot in your search for a mate.

Except for the being in band together, you're feelings/attitudes/love notes with no answers, etc describe the relationship I had with someone all through high school, too... with Farrah Fawcett.

See, with us, since she a TV star, it was all one-sided. I did all the caring and loving and writing and she didn't do anything back. It was awful.

Anyway, I still enjoyed my feelings for her, so it wasn't a total loss. Plus, I had the poster, so...

Meanwhile, when I got out of high school I found that pursuing girls who knew I existed, talked to me back, laughed at my jokes and kissed me when I kissed them... WAY more fun.

I suggest that for you now. Keep your memories of the girl you loved from afar, but actually DATE real-life girls who are responding TO you.

Wow, sheesh. Ignoring the love notes were probably her official response to you, but it's easier to be "tormented" by all your perfect thoughts of this perfect girl you've constructed in your head than it is to actually call her up or "accidently" run into her and start a conversation and ask her out for fear of forever destroying any chance you had with her (which I'd wager is nil after this amount of time), yes? You're your own worst enemy. The best thing you can do for yourself is start talking to any and all girls you come across to help with the shy thing, and maybe even have a go at one-on-one dating too. At the very least, the pain of the rejection you'll likely encounter should help clear some of that romantic nonsense floating around in your head. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... and you'll just keep being miserable pining away for her until you're a lonely thirty-something with no dating skills getting chewed up and spit out by bitter divorcées who are in the same boat. What you've described isn't love, it's obsession of your own construction.

You don't even know this person. What's her favorite color, food, band? Does she like rough sex? Is her belly button an innie or an outie? Does she snore or drool when she sleeps? Can she balance a checkbook? Does she leave dishes in the sink for 4 days? Is she allergic to cats? etc. etc. I hope I've scared you somewhat, because the path you're on is self-destructive, can lead to severe depression if you're not already there, and isn't healthy long term. [/QUOTE] I'd also suggest you see a counselor of some sort to help you deal with the feelings.[/QUOTE]


I actually do plan on seeing a counselor, and ultimately talk to her and just get this over with, find out whether she actually likes me or not, or at least just try to get to know her, be a friend I suppose. Your answers were somewhat harsh (which I'm trying not to take personally, but that's just me) but they did give me a slap on the face and now I'm slightly beginning to think more clearly, and I want to thank you for that. To be honest, I'm not scared, I'm just eager to put this all behind.