Originally Posted by Nestorian
Hum.....???? Feelings i get from you, Fear, frustration, confusion (though i think confution and frustration are things you are becuase of your dificulty interprating your feelings.), anger, suffering, Joy, happiness, bad, etc. Ok so it don't take a brilliant person to figure out how you feel, but trying to work through it, to understand why you're thinking you're guilty, confused, frustrated, and in over your head.
First you Say you are totally commited, ok so what is commitment?? To pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.): to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge. So two things there, "Express one's intention, feeling" and to obligate by assurance. Well, what does that tell you?? Are you commited?
Second, your fear of what he will think about your "indulgance in casual sex.", and how he will react. Well, you can't make him behave the way you want him to, so you have to let him decide that for him self, weather it's now, or later, or maybe he'll never find out. Question is, how does those three choices sit with you?? The last thing you want is to loose him, though you can't have what you don't accept. (thats the power of freedome of choice. And the only love we have is the love we give.) But you don't want to hurt him, either, but you can't hurt if you dont' know. Can you live with not telling him?? Does it go against your morals and valuse?? Time for some deep soul searching.
Write out your, Pros and cons (for each major out come. as you see fit) to the situation then write out your goals, and values, feelings, and then try to prioratise them. What is more important to you? Compleate open and honesty, or open as far as need be. True you don't have to tell him, even if you prommise him or pledge you will. You dont' have to do anything, but we tend to think we "need" things that we truly don't. Soul mate, sure he maybe that one, but do you "need" him and no one else?? Well, logic says, no, belief depending on your belef, usually doesn't say if you don't find your soul mate you will die, or go to hell, or terribel things will happen. You can still meet other people, and still enjoy things with out a soul mate. It may "feel" other wise but our feelings are easily decieved, and deceptive.
How so?? Well, I've bin doing a lot of reasearch lately on Pschology. I've read this book called, "the brain that changes it's self." It says in chapter 4, Love and atraction, that we sometimes "feel" we need some one because when we are with them and in "love", we tend to not feel pain, or displeasure, and that there is a chemical that is released in our brains called dopamine, apparently it's very addictive. So when some one is about to or is leaving us, we want them back, at almost any cost. This is very bad for our mental stability, becuase some of us are willing to suffer for "that specail some one". Just becuase our feelings are all confuddled by this chemical, and we precieve it as absolute truth, when really it could be our minds playing tricks on our feelings, and us. So how do you tell if you are in this situation?? Are you willing to sacrafice something you know should not?? That includes anothers best interests or feelings.
As for his sensativity, cold it may sound but that it his behavior, you truly can't let your self be taken buy that, you can be considerate of it, and ask yourself what would he do in my shoes, but also remember to think what would i want if i was in his shoes. Understanding is a big part of a relationship no matter how simple it may seem. Be Loving and kind, but don't torment yourself for that.
Are you cheating on him by not telling him??? Thats your belief, you have to decide that for your self. Remember what would he do in your shoes, and what would you want him to do if he was in yours.
Punished in some way?? Debatalbe, are you punishing yourself now??? Sure seems like it, you feel sad, scarred and you are frustrated, confused, lost. I'd say that one of your needs aren't being met, Hum..??? Love and belonging go hand in hand, since this seems like a love kind of matter, and a belonging matter, maybe your real question is do you belong with this man??
He is close minded...??? well that seems like a pretty big thing to be holding over your head, weather he will accept you for who you are or weather you should change for his benafit. Then again, if one day he decides to leave you, for what ever reason, how would you feel then, supressing, depressing, and repressing yourself to apease his ideal love? What about your love?? And since you can't really know the exact picture he has in his mind of the one he loves, then you can't play to the call of his pleasure any way. That is in his mind, abstract.
Again, that chemical change in your brain can obliterate your desire to try anything new, because you crave that feeling/ chemical fix. Careful with that.
well peace be with you, i hope this helps.
