Ask Me Help Desk - We want out we need away from him

PLEASE HELP ME

My parents have been divorced going on 6 years they have split custody where its weekly changing houses. Please excuse me but its been hell for me. Once my father moved out and got a house I ended up having to take over the role of wife, I cooked, cleaned I did everything. And some might say chores but I didn't not with everything I had to do that was just insane. But I was living with it with the hope one day my mom would file for full custody. But I was in a car accident last August and my father literally went mentally insane. I have become very scare of him. After my 10day stay in the hospital I never went back to his house. And as time goes on he gets more and more crazy for my birthday in October he got me 15 balloons and at my moms when I was leaving for homecoming I wiouldnt take pictures of me in my dress so he left went to his car got a knife and stabbed all my balloons and left againg after calling me a selfish b*tch. He has began almost stalking me I work almost everyday and the other day I had off he came to my house and sat out side and wanted to talk but I wouldn't let him in so I talked through the window and when I was finished talking to him I closed the window and left but he wouldn't I musta got nearly 10 texts saying please talk to me it took a phone call to my mom and had her call him and 30mins later before he actually left. He has told me many times over the years to kill myself. A couple months ago I began seeing a therapist and she has told me that its not good to see him. He scares me I'm afraid to leave my house I'm afraid to stay in my house. I'm afraid he will come one day and kill me just so my mom can't have me. Honestly I'm not sure where he's going his stunts get worse and worse as time goes on. He hasn't had a job in almost 2 year. Even my grandma is going crazy she has also began stalking me and cornering me and calling me a b*tch my mom wants to file for costudy but is afaid that everything he's done isn't enough. We want to leave the state and get away from here we want to go somewhere safer I just need someone's help to tell me if she's right or not

Life is supposed to be a peacable enjoyable experience. If running away from trouble is needed that running is what you should do.

Has your therapist suggested relocating to a shelter? How old are you? How did you get the assistance of a therapist? (I think that is a very good development, by the way)

Quote:

Originally Posted by George_1950

Has your therapist suggested relocating to a shelter? How old are you? How did you get the assistance of a therapist? (I think that is a very good development, by the way)

No she hasn't I went in for cutting and we ended up talking the hole time about my father but I stopped seeing her because I was doing better I am 15 I turn 16 in 2 1/2 months but I was wondering if anyone knew what age you have to be in nj for the judge to listen to you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Far_Away

no she hasnt i went in for cutting and we ended up talking the hole time about my father but i stopped seeing her because i was doing better i am 15 i turn 16 in 2 1/2 months but i was wondering if anyone knew what age you ahve to be in nj for the judge to listen to you

Yes, the Judge will listen to you if your mother files for custody.

First thing, though, is you have to be safe. Your mother and you should file for emergency protective orders now. If you get an Order (or Orders) and your father then stalks you, you can call the Police and they will arrest him. Being safe is the most important thing, more important than who has a piece of paper saying they have custody of you.

If your Grandmother is also stalking/harassing, then you also have to get an Order against her. Again - first you must stay safe.

While going somewhere else to get away probably sounds appealing it would probably not solve the problem - it's almost impossible to totally vanish (employment, driver licenses, bank accounts, everything can be tracked) and you and your mother will spend the time and money to move and your father will at some point show up again. If he has no job he will have nothing better to do than travel around, bothering you (and your Mom).

So my advice would be to get protective orders and then immediately have your mother move for a change in custody. Be aware that the reason your father got custody in the first place will become an issue - was there a problem (originally) with your mother's parenting skills? The decision will be made on what is going on now, not what went on then, but that will be a question and you and your mom will have to be prepared.

The Court will most probably appoint someone to represent your interests - a law guardian or a person with a similar title - and that person will be on your side and help you through the legal system.

I don't know if stopping therapy was a good idea - only you know that. You can always go back and just tell the therapist what you do and don't want to discuss. If going week after week and discussing your father upsets you, tell the therapist that you'll talk about that to some extent but that's not why you're there. Sometimes a therapist gets fixated on one issue - sometimes the therapist is right, sometimes not. I would agree that I wouldn't want to go feeling relatively OK and come out of the visit all upset.

In the meantime - get a Protective Order and be safe.

And let us know what's going on and how you are going - where you are in the legal process.

I trust you know you are not responsible for your father, right? Not for his physical health, his mental state, none of that. He is an adult. He is responsible for his own actions. Nobody MAKES anybody do anything - you can't make somebody love you, you can't make somebody come back to you, you can't make somebody act one way or the other because it sounds good to you. You can't even make somebody stop smoking! So if he lays that trip on you, HE is responsible for HIM. You are not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Yes, the Judge will listen to you if your mother files for custody.

First thing, though, is you have to be safe. Your mother and you should file for emergency protective orders now. If you get an Order (or Orders) and your father then stalks you, you can call the Police and they will arrest him. Being safe is the most important thing, more important than who has a piece of paper saying they have custody of you.

If your Grandmother is also stalking/harassing, then you also have to get an Order against her. Again - first you must stay safe.
...

So my advice would be to get protective orders and then immediately have your mother move for a change in custody. Be aware that the reason your father got custody in the first place will become an issue - was there a problem (originally) with your mother's parenting skills? The decision will be made on what is going on now, not what went on then, but that will be a question and you and your mom will have to be prepared.

The Court will most probably appoint someone to represent your interests - a law guardian or a person with a similar title - and that person will be on your side and help you through the legal system.

I don't know if stopping therapy was a good idea - only you know that. You can always go back and just tell the therapist what you do and don't want to discuss.

In the meantime - get a Protective Order and be safe.

I trust you know you are not responsible for your father, right? Not for his physical health, his mental state, none of that. He is an adult. He is responsible for his own actions. Nobody MAKES anybody do anything - you can't make somebody love you, you can't make somebody come back to you, you can't make somebody act one way or the other because it sounds good to you. You can't even make somebody stop smoking! So if he lays that trip on you, HE is responsible for HIM. You are not.

I must spread it around. Lots of good ideas here, Judy. If her mother is unwilling to go to court, should she (the OP) contact the social services department on her on?

Thanks judy and the reason my parents got split was because the judge was crazy and kept insisting it even though my mother was always the better parent and I've been looking up about restraining orders but most say I can't get one because under like 18

Quote:

Originally Posted by Far_Away

thanks judy and the reason my parents got split was because the judge was crazy and kept insisting it even though my mother was always the better parent and ive been looking up about restraining orders but most say i can't get one because under like 18

Your mother has to file for the orders as your natural parent and also file for a change in custody. You would, of course, go with her to the various Court proceedings and testify.

If you are in danger - and you very well may be - a Social Worker at Family/Child Services or a similar organization should talk to you OR refer you to someone who will help you through the maze.

If all else fails if your mother applies for a change in custody the Court should appoint a law guardian for you, someone to protect your interests.

You're at a terrible age - legally neither child nor woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Your mother has to file for the orders as your natural parent and also file for a change in custody. You would, of course, go with her to the various Court proceedings and testify.

If you are in danger - and you very well may be - a Social Worker at Family/Child Services or a similar organization should talk to you OR refer you to someone who will help you through the maze.

If all else fails if your mother applies for a change in custody the Court should appoint a law guardian for you, someone to protect your interests.

You're at a terrible age - legally neither child nor woman.

Thank you so much I'm going to try everything I can at this point I just want to get away from my dad and grandma and move away to live by my aunt

Quote:

Originally Posted by Far_Away

thank you so much im gunna try everything i can at this point i just want to get away from my dad and grandma and move away to live by my aunt

Is your Aunt willing to legally step in and become your legal guardian?

Yea she would but she's tecnically not my aunt I've just know her since I was like born