I can't figure out if my boyfriend (and my parents) are just being selfish or if I'm letting all my stress get to me and looking for a reason to take it out on someone.

I'm moving into an apartment, I have the keys and everything but it wasn't cleaned to my standards, so I'm slowly moving things in, but I haven't had a chance to clean it the way I want it yet. I work Mon-Fri 8-430 and I've had to be at my house because my mom is gone and I have to take care of the cats and stuff. So that allows me time to pack and everything, but I get these calls from my boyfriend or my mom or my boyfriends mom or my dad and they're like "i need your help, I need you to do this for me" or something along those lines.

So I bought a chair last night and need my bf's truck to haul it out. He won't switch cars with me so I can just go get it, but he said he has to go grocery shopping tonight for this lunch he planned with his newly found sister tomorrow that I "have to be at" even though he knows that I have to clean and move and all this stuff. He said he'd help me, but he keeps making all these other plans.

Sunday my mom wants to do lunch and everything until she goes to work at 3. She hasn't offered to help me or even seen my apartment yet. Like I said, she's house sitting, but when she comes home she trashes the house and then asks me to clean it like I have nothing better to do, or she asks me to run all these errands for her.

My dad doesn't have his license and he's always asking me to go and do things or drive him places, and I feel bad if I say no.

Because of the stress of the move I have slept maybe 12 hours in the last week, so I'm ridiculously exhausted and I don't know if it's the stress or just people (mainly my boyfriend) being selfish.

Any ideas, help, advice, suggestions?

Your story has a meaning to it: Do others as they have done to you (I hope that's right :))

Follow that saying.
You're not being selfish, at all. Next time someone asks you for help, just say 'no, I'm to busy with my new apartment.' I know there are people you love but you are also a person they love and they should be returing favors for you.

They never return favours. Well, my boyfriend doesn't anyway. He was raised selfish. My dad is helping find me furniture and he bought some things on my wishlist and stuff. My mom is just in her own little world.

I feel bad saying no...

Sometimes you have to say no, trust me after you say it the first time... It gradually gets easier, now all I do is say no to people that ask for help and declined when I needed it before. Every time you ask for help and someone says no, make a mental note of it.

I haven't actually asked for help, but everyone has offered, but when it comes down to it they are too busy.

I'm going to end up moving everything by myself, and I know that (I've mentally prepared myself for it--thats part of the stress).

I've said no to lot of people recently, and those people are no longer my friends (go figure) but I just don't know what to do with my boyfriend and his selfishness. Ever since he found this new sister its all about the two of them, and yet I have to be there too.

No, you don't have to 'be there' for him. Why should you if he isn't?
I have learned that when you are nice to people, most use that to their advantage and then take you for granted.

Yeah, that's true, I don't have to "be there" for him. I've been there for him through everything else (his dad's hospitalization, his parents founding out about money he took from them a couple years ago for his ex's, his breakup from his ex, his other sister's mood swings, finding his new sister, change of jobs, I helped him move the last 2 times [only me -- did all the packing and cleaning of his apartment]) and yet if I have a bad day he's like "oh, that sucks, anyway me me me" or he has to give his 2 cents like when I was looking for apartments I'd find one I liked and he had an opinion about it and would try to talk me out of it for whatever reason...

I just don't want to deal with his emotions if I say no. He needs to just hang out with his new sis and her daughter so they can all get to know each other. I don't need to be there (nor do I want to be, really)...

Hi RockStar,

Congratulations on your new place! It's nice that everyone has offered, but the fact that they are now too busy isn't right at all. I would say to your boyfriend, 'Hey, if you can, I would really appreciate your help before we meet up with your sister'. If he gives you a hard time, then I would explain that even though he connected with his sister, you really need a few hours of his time so that you can move your things, and you need his truck in order to move the chair. Also state that you are aware of what time that you are both getting together with her, this way he sees that you are in tune with him, but at the same time, you need him to help you out.

He's already given me a hard time because I'm going out garage saling with a friend in the morning. But I made those plans not knowing he wanted to do lunch with her, when he said bbq on Saturday with her I assumed it was dinner (or at least 3 or 4, not noon) so he's already mad about that and doesn't want to change the time, but I need furniture for the living room because I have none. He's told me I can drive his truck whenever, but of course when I want to he doesn't want me to. The chair isn't heavy, he's just being a nutsack about it.

And thanks about the new place, I'm excited. It's the first time I'm living on my own without roommates. :)

If they are not helping you then you have to make your priorities in what you need.
No I can't go there with you because I have to find a way to get my furniture home it can't sit in the store forever. No I can only help you clean the house for 2 hours on Sunday, I can't help it you make it as messy as you do. I have things to do too. I will go with you to the bbq after I get back from yard sales. Why don't you take me that way if I find a piece of furniture there I don't have to spend time looking at the stores some other time when you might want me to do something.
Don't be a doormat, learn your priorities, figure out where they actually need you rather than when they just want you to go out of your way.

Hi Rockstar,

You are so welcome. You are going to love it! Nohelp is right. At this point, you need to not be available to everyone. As far as for tomorrow, you may very well be left to do your own moving (without your b/f). If that ends up being the case, and he asks 'how come you aren't ready to go to the BBQ' you can simply say, 'because I had to move my things. They weren't going to move themselves, everyone who said they would help me, didn't, and I had to move it myself, which took up a great amount of my time'.

Yeah... and its not the end of the world if I'm not there. They have 26 years of catching up to do (well, he's 24 and she's 26 and they just found each other like 3 weeks ago) so I'd just be sitting there stressing anyway.

Nohelp is always right. Haha

I just got off the phone with my mom, I told her I probably wouldn't go to lunch with her Sunday because I had to clean, and she seemed OK with that. The only thing I can't move without a truck is the new chair, a couch when I get it and my mattress. Everything else can go in my car. I may just rent a u-haul for a few hours rather than waiting for everyone to help me.

Hi Rockstar,

If I had a dime for every time I had to move myself, I swear, I would be living in a beautiful English Tudor somewhere :-)

I would suggest (If you haven't done so already) is make a few calls or even better, look in your local town paper, and see if you find any companies that have a truck and a small crew for light moving jobs. I have gone that route before, and it was a lot less money, and they were available right away. Also, this way you don't have to do any heavy lifting. I see that you live in Washington state. I am a New Yorker, and back in 2005 I was so down in the dumps with my life I decided to take a trip, by myself, to Seattle. Well, needless to say, I fell in love with that beautiful city, and the people there are so nice! I hope to one day visit there again. Absolutley gorgeous! And of course the music that came out of there! AWESOME! :-)

Yeah, Seattle is pretty awesome. I'm about an hour or so south (Tacoma) but I'm 2 blocks from the zoo and about 4 blocks from puget sound, so it's a great little first apartment.

Normally when I've moved with my mom we just pack it all in a u-haul one day and have like 20 people help us, but all those people are my mom's friends and I'd feel bad asking them. I thought about looking on craigslist or something for someone with a truck offering to help. I know my boyfriend will, its just frustrating because he KNOWS that I've got a to do list that is 5 years long and only about 3 weeks to do it all in and he wants to do other stuff because he hates helping people move.

I don't mind the heavy lifting (I cleaned out the entire shed by myself last night). Maybe I'll see what enterprise has for trucks and rent one for a day. :)

I see ur helpful & nice but it's killin u nowadays. Since ur having a hard time to say NO, just say u have something else to do first, u may offer alternative on their requests or u'll get back to them once ur done. They wont mind u refusing, its just u u thinks about it.

Oh, they mind me refusing. My mom pitches a fit about how stressed she is and my boyfriend just gets an attitude with me, and that's almost worse than just dealing with them.

Tell them that you are the one moving yourself so why aren't they concerned about YOUR stress

I've talked to my mom about it. She said she doesn't understand why I'm stressed. I tell my boyfriend and he's says "um, ok. I can help you, So what are we doing about saturday?" and then he doesn't actually help...

I want the stress gone so I can sleep again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rockstar714

Oh, they mind me refusing. My mom pitches a fit about how stressed she is and my boyfriend just gets an attitude with me, and thats almost worse than just dealing with them.

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Because they're used that u will put them first before yourself. I believe everyone agrees that putting urself first doesnt mean selfishness.Just show some toughness when u refuse though and they'll get use to a new you.

Yeah, that's true. Thanks ylaira.

The stress is starting to subside a little I think. I have the truck for tomorrow so I can get things taken care of...


Thanks for everyone's help!