When I was 14, I became pregnant. My mother yelled at me that I was to get an abortion. I did not want to. She drove me that day... with all sorts of shopping... making it seem like I wasn't going their to murder my child. It was so painful... I can still here the vacuums. I never recovered. I would beat myself. My parents got divorced shortly after explaining that it was in fact because of the abortion. I am now 28 and struggling... just struggling... I feel like I am shutting down. And don't know what to do...

You have to realize that that was not your decision to have an abortion and your mother was responsible for you in choosing what she felt best for you. You need to over come it and realize that you really didn't have any decision in the matter once she said you had to get an abortion.
Here are some sites hopefully they will help

American Pregnancy Helpline » Healing After an Abortion

How To Survive Your Abortion

http://www.survivorsofabortion.org.au/thereishope.html

There's nothing you can do but move on. The past can't be changed, no matter how much it hurts. Have you considered therapy? It might be good to talk about this with a professional.

Good luck.

It's so much more than that... I led a less than perfect life after that - my mother accused me of murdering her grandchild and told me I am the reason for her unhappiness... I am recently divorced as well... he called me a cancer... I ruin peoples lives. And that's about how I feel right now

Your mother is the one that made you get the abortion. And your depression stems from that. The choices you made may be less then perfect, but you, only you, have the ability to change the future. It's time to get some help, for you, no one else.

Your mother is trying to place the blame on you because she feels guilty and knows she was
So now it is easier for her to be in denial and blame you. I am sure you do not ruin people's lives. You have just been through a lot with people and they place the blame on you.
IF you are to blame it is only some bad choices that you need to learn from and move on.
It is NOT you so do not blame yourself

You have received some great advice here, I just want to want to say that I'm so sorry. And those things are never easy. I would second the suggestion for therapy.

Therapy is so necessary. Self reflection is important too. You need to own whatever you might carry that could contribute to unhappiness. However, understand that we are all responsible for what we get out of this life. Your mom can't have it both ways. If she made you go, then it was her choice not yours. She might be angry that she made the choice, she needs to own that. Set up boundaries and live by them. You will be okay.

It sounds like your mother has issues and in turn has somehow brainwashed you into thinking that you are not a good person.

Don't let her mental illness affect you.

#1: They should have never performed an abortion on a child so young without some kind of counseling without the person involved.

#2:The fact that your mother blames you for her divorce shows how sick she is.The divorce is nobody else's fault except for her and her ex husband.

#3:How can your mother blame you for something that she forced?


Do you see how this all doesn't make sense? You need to realize that you don't ruin peoples lives.Everyone is responsible for their own life.


You need to take charge of yours.It's not going to be easy.You just need to breathe and relax.Work on developing yourself and the future.You cannot change the past.. you cannot go back and reverse what happened in that room.The baby was not meant to live a life that it set out to live.


Every being has potential.Don't ruin yours because of the past.

I agree with blackandblue... She has made some good points.

I know how Feel.. I Went Through The Same Thing at The Age Of 16. The Only Thing I can Tell you is in order for you to move on and live life is to forgive you self For Feeling Gulty and , Forgive your Mother For Making you Do it. It's a way to be set free.. And please Try to go to therepy to let out all the pain and its other way to set you free as well. It Really Helped Me a lot. I really Hope I helped you. Good Luck

Feelingalone24. I am sorry to hear about your ordeal. I think pregnancy and abortion can be quite traumatic; especially if they are not planned. I have two friends who were pregnant at a young age and parents took them to get abortions. All these years have gone by and they never got over it. They often speak about how old their child would be today. You made a mistake that changed your life forever. We all have done things in our lives that we are way too ashamed to talk about.
As for your mother she is older and wiser and probably realise now that not only did she make the decision for you back then because of your age and the future you had ahead of you but based on what the neighbors might think. No one cared how you felt because you were young and didn't know any better.
Now were mistakes made? Yes, big time. First you did grown-up stuff and got pregnant. 2. no one bothered to take you to counseling, so I assumed they never explained the abortion procedures. 3. It is hard for fathers to have a visual of his angel pregnant. You are not to blame for your parents problems; you r business is to take care of you. You cannot do it alone. You need some professional help with sessions to help you cope with the beginning (age 14), from there you can learn about self worth and help explained yourself esteem. Right now it is soooo easy for you to be everyone's scapegoat; so when they mess up they can blame you. With help you will also learn and understand yourself and self-worth.
The road might seem long and sometimes hopeless. I want you to remember that it took a long time for you to reach that mental state so it will take sometime to learn to deal with it. Concentrate on you, don't worry about others. Remember it is easy to say it is up to you to want to get better and feel better... I disagree, yes it is up to you to feel better but you have lived with this pain , guilt, ridicule and suffering for so long you don't even know what is normal behavior.
Once again get professional help, so you can release your past and prepare and look forward for a bright future. Thank God you didn't go through a deep depression where you lived a life of sleeping with different males... just to fill a void that you didn't know exsisted. Good Luck to you.

Oh yes and the most important thing is forgiveness. Forgive everyone involved starting with yourself. Forgive your mom, dad and all the people involved in your life that have caused you sadness. Remember professional help will certainly help. God Bless.

When I read what you wrote I almost cried! I will be praying that you find healing. It never goes away. I lost a baby boy when I was 19. I couldn't even look at babies for months without running out of the room crying. Then I started to write letters to him, I even to this day celebrate his due date as his "birthday" in my head. It helps. Writing can really take a load off your chest. Like I said... I will pray that you will be freed from this.

You have to be *willing* to let the past go... let it go... do not torment yourself over something from your childhood...

You can do it. :)

feelingalone24 how is everything going with you? We haven't heard from you in a while. Please let us know what's up.

I think everyone here makes good points. I agree that you should seek counseling. I am so sorry that you had to go through such a hard time in your past. ((((hugs)))))