Ask Me Help Desk - Seeing a Married Man

I have been divorced 17 years. A little over two years ago, I started seeing a married man. Quite a unique situation in that... he works out of USA often for months at a time... His wife is from Brazil. He met her while working there 12 years ago. He was separated from his first wife of 17 years. Brazilian woman saw him 9 months he worked there and came back to USA w/ him leaving her 3 kids w/ family. After 1-1/2 yrs. he married her and her children eventually came here and he finished raising them. Three years ago while "visiting" Brazil for 2 weeks. his wife decided she couldn't fly anymore and didn't like living in USA and would not return... They decided on "long distance" marriage for 3 yrs. Until he was no longer contracted to work in US and he would then move to Brazil. He finished raising her youngest... and they had been apart a year when I met him 2 yrs. Ago. Youngest child moved out. I had raised my son alone and he had recently moved out and I was lonely and needy. I expected it to be only one night but we had great chemistry sexually and intellectually. We spent the entire summer together. He, then, moved me into his house as "caretaker" and went to Brazil to work 5 months. Stayed in touch by e-mail at work telling me how unhappy he was and planned to be with me when returning. A month before returning, he changed his mind and I had to move out. He was afraid of wife finding out about me... but within 2 weeks of returning we were back together... That was last Feb. In Jan. 08, he loved me more than her, could talk to me more, I was a better friend, he didn't want to move out of US PERMANENTLY... but went there and told her about me... told her he needed time to explore relationship with me and so much time apart had damaged marriage. She has not worked since meeting him and he is well off... She didn't mind being away from him most of 3 years... until she knew about me and then she was obsessive, threatened to die/disappear/said she had heart problems but none found... About six weeks ago, he decided to accept great paying work in Brazil where they have condo and move there and sell house here... I know I have "ownership" in situation! But I was also mislead many times... When I'd end things... he'd contact me to see how I was... thought of me often... missed me... would never forget me... I was best lover and friend he ever had but he had made a "commitment"... I don't think he's in love with her! I think he "loves" her and it's familiar, comfortable and he is INVESTED financially and money means A LOT to him! So, he is leaving in less than a month. I was with him just today... my feelings are changing but I'm so sad, hurt, angry, lonely... empty! Evreyone says he will return in a year or so when he's done working and divorce her as he cannot be happy staying there... but I can't WAIT to see if that happens. He wants to "touch base periodically" by e-mail from work... and I love him but wonder if I could ever trust him even if he did leave her and want me... I don't know how to let go... emotionally... In selling everything, he has given me clothing, dishes, coats, his mother's wedding band, and I have SO MANY reminders of him... friends that have known us as a couple for 2 years... BUT he has NO REMINDERS of me once he leaves... I'm bitter... I KNOW "logically" I need to be strong, set higher expectations for myself, etc... but in my "heart", I haven't caught up with my mind and don't know how... If anyone has been through anything like this or can provide valuable input, it would be greatly appreciated! I'm waiting for disability hearing so I suppose my "circumstances"... health issues, less money... can't MOVE 4,500 miles AWAY from situation upsets me! She'll never return here she said... but how do I let go in my heart of the thought that he "might" come back in a year or so and be divorced... He's the first man I've truly been in love with in 10 years!

I will only believe that he SINCERELY LOVES U if he divorces his wife to be with u, exclusively. But as of now, I'll just think he's just using you.

Problem is. When you met him he was married. So he was cheating on his wife. That tells me he's very likely to cheat on you too.

What you seem to have is a 'meeting of minds', but not a 'meeting of cirumstances'. At some point you will decide what you want and how you are going to get it. As ylaira has pointed out, if he sincerely loves you, he will divorce his wife to be with you, exclusively. At that point, you will have mutuality, a 'meeting of circumstances'. You have tried to end things; you are "...sad, hurt, angry, lonely......empty". And, you are in love with him. Perhaps it's time to think about you and your well-being; and he may not fit into that plan if you a living a happy and fulfilling life. I believe that to the extent you are hurting yourself with your behavior, whatever it is, you need to reassess what is going on and do less of it. Find those things that make you happy and fulfilled, and get on with it.

I fall on the side of "you two were using each other"... and you don't really have much cause for putting a bunch of stuff on his head as if he were in charge of all this. He isn't, you two were in it together. You cheated, lied, snuggled, cuddled, sexed each other up and you did it all equally. And you seemed to do it all willingly, so...

His flopping in and out, changing his mind... oops, no he didn't, now he's back, and you going along all the while... that's equally your fault too. Can't blame him, you were there ready and waiting.

So, I have no magic answer for you. Just a reminder that whatever you've had so far, that's all you can honestly expect to have EVER. The same thing.

You got on this bus. Enjoy the ride or get off, but stop complaining about the bus.

Quote:

kaseejo agrees: Brutally honest. I was very MISLEAD at times but everything else you said is hard to hear... but I needed to hear it. Thank you! I need to work on my self-esteem and values! And forget his...

As for the 'mislead' thing, I have to caution you again... people aren't like sheep. Sheep can be led anywhere, even places they wouldn't normally want to go. People have conscious minds and wills. It takes a LOT of permission on your part to be mislead, at least mislead more than once. After the first time, you were again participating in the deception.

Is that fair?

I am a HUGE banner waver for "this is YOUR life so stop looking for ways to make other people responsible for your choices." I think you see that about me by now. (I know that would be a HUGE banner, wouldn't it?)

I'm hopeful that my direct approach does more good than harm. I'm glad you hear what I'm saying. It is my sincere prayer that things get better for you as a result.

Take the reigns.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

As for the 'mislead' thing, I have to caution you again...people aren't like sheep. Sheep can be led anywhere, even places they wouldn't normally want to go. People have conscious minds and wills. It takes a LOT of permission on your part to be mislead, at least mislead more than once. After the first time, you were again participating in the deception.

Is that fair?

I am a HUGE banner waver for "this is YOUR life so stop looking for ways to make other people responsible for your choices." I think you see that about me by now. (I know that would be a HUGE banner, wouldn't it?)

I'm hopeful that my direct approach does more good than harm. I'm glad you hear what I'm saying. It is my sincere prayer that things get better for you as a result.

Take the reigns.

I WAS mislead very caring and smoothly. He said he felt he also mislead himself... but you are right, after the first major disappointment... I share responsibility for being pulled back in to the situation and I even told him I blame myself as much as him! And I do! I see it for what it truly was now... it just hurts but I'm working with a counselor... and my ISSUES of rejection, self-esteem, etc. I have to care enough about myself to EXPECT more instead of GIVING so much... reading co-dependent things too! I'm working on moving on! You are a rocket scientist! Ha

Expecting more of guys is great. But the nature of the expectation has to be realistic. Guys change VERY slowly, over decades. So the guy you see is pretty much the guy you get. When you expect more from a guy and don't get it, my reminder is that pushing him for more is probably going to end badly.

You have to date a guy long enough to see him for who he is, then see if it meets your requirements(expectations). If not, it virtually always means moving on. He is who he is. Why bother making BOTH of you miserable trying to change him just because you're experiencing love pangs.

It's just a bad situation and it's so unnecessary.

I'm glad you're using counseling to empower yourself in all of this. It is actually a SUCCESS when you date someone, see them for who they are, then properly judge it's not a "match" and move on... all without having an Armeggedon Battle over it. It can all be a calm, honest process of discovery. You know?

Now, a REAL success is doing that several times in a row without wasting years each time, growing in confidence and self-assurance all the while. Then suddenly finding the guy you're testing now seems to actually meet all the criteria... and you HIS criteria.

That's only possible if you are able to keep looking. Joy joy joy.

You were with a married man... what do you expect? Shouldn't be much.