Falling For The Best Friend
I was dating this guy for about two years in total, sort of an on and off relationship thing, but there was never anyone else in the picture. We were officially dating for a year and 3 months. It was not perfect but he was a guy I could trust be myself with and have a great time going out. We had so many amazing memories together, and spent almost every day together. We even had cute couple names for each other, I know weird but that is a different story. Towards the end (about 3 months ago now, everything is so hazy) things started to go down hill. We were not titled boyfriend and girlfriend but we acted like it in every way.
It all started with my horrible drunk night with the girls (I don't drink often either). I had way too much to drink (way too much, I think any more and I would have had to go to the hospital) and hooked up with this guy who I had been just friends with. Not once did I ever have feelings towards him to want to hook up. When we were making out and stuff (no sex) I sort of snapped back into reality and told this guy I wanted to stop. The guy went home and I cried to my best friend because I felt horrible about what I just did. The day after I cried and when I finally told my (sort of) boyfriend I cried then too. He was just silent about it. He didn't have much to say until about 3 weeks later. He told me that I cruched him and that ever since then he couldn't touch me the same even though when we would sleep together he seemed to get passed it. I thought he had forgiven me because we were sleeping together again.
Later on I find out all this stuff about how he had two girls that wanted to sleep with him, but he didn't because he was being true to me. I think he said that because he wanted to make me feel guilty, and I did. To this day I feel guilty and when I think about it I feel disgusted in myself because I acted WAY out of my character.
I guess he sort of accepted the fact that I screwed up but I don't think he forgave me. A few weeks later he started hanging around with one of the two girls who wanted to sleep with him. She would show up at our gym (he even picked her up first so she had the front seat. His guy friends used to move seats to let me sit beside him when we car pooled somewhere) She even tried to sleep with him again after he turned her down the first time, and he did turn her down the second time. I figured since I was his first girlfriend (he was not my first boyfriend) that he enjoyed the attention he got from this other girl. He told me that he wouldn't be with her, only me, then the next thing I know he's telling me he doesn't want me to go to a bunch of parties with him. I find out he went to this girls house for a party, and he didn't tell me about it, I had to see the pictures on the internet through his friends. There were arguments after arguments, and I became the most angery, controlling person and I'm not normally either of those. Again I was acting out of character. It was like I was losing him so I was losing a part of myself so I started to act this way.
After I think things are pretty bad about a week or 2 later, he starts hanging around with this other girl, who I completely trusted him with, a lot more. They would hang out alone and I would never get that uneasy feeling in my stomach. They had been friends with since they were little kids. He tells two days later after one of her parties that he kissed her and didn't regret it, but still really wanted to be friends because I'm like family to him and I know him better then most of his closest friends. Of course all the thoughts of how he told me he loved me, and all those time where he said we had a " special connection" came to mind.
I was a train wreak for a while. I feel like this is all my fault. I have not spoken to him for a couple of weeks now, and I know everyday it is getting easier and easier to not want to get in contact with him, but I become more curious as to what he's up to. His dad comes into my work all the time and we talk, not about him, just other stuff. I was really close to his family and got to know his dad really well. His one dog was like my dog too because his family bought him when I was around. They raised him when I was around, and the dog knew me as one of the family members (im an animal lover). I lost so much and it hurts a lot. Things did not end well, not on a good note at all. It was like he became a new person all of a sudden, almost like a did a 180 and decided to drop me and all the amazing memories all of a sudden just for his old time friend. He told me that he didn't and couldn't like her any more then a friend a while back, but he does now.
I need help letting go and forgiving myself because I feel like it is my fault for his change. I still love him, and I would love to know whether he regretting by now. I wonder everyday if he's started to regret letting me go and choosing his long-time best (girl)friend. I wish I could know. All my connections to him a gone, and I know it will take me a while too get over him, but everyday I think we could have been together a lot longer but it's all my fault because of my screw up. I need all the advice I can possibly get on every aspect of this!
Crawling back? Or fall back?
My Ex and I have been apart for four months now and he is still with the girl he left me for. I recently came back home from school for thanksgivng and went out to a bar with my friends. My ex showed up without his girlfriend. He was sending me texts saying it was nice seeing me and hello. So my friend who was drunk went over to his table and was talking to him and telling him he was an A**hole for leaving me. She came back and told me he wasn't going to talk to me because I wasn't talking to him? (even though he told me he wasn't going to talk to me for 2 months till stuff blows over). My first instinct was not to answer the texts. My thoughts were if he were a real man he would come over and talk to me like one, but my friend convinced me to tell him to come over and talk to us.
He went to the washroom with his best friend several times before he came over. Im assuming that they were preparing what he was going to say. When he came over he specifically wanted to talk to me in private. We walked over into a section of the building that was closed and we sat down.
Now this part still is confusing to me, and ill make my point right away that I am for sure NOT thinking about getting back together with him, but I though I would see what he had to say.
In a nutshell, he was telling me that he had been thinking about me since the breakup, and a lot. He told me he though he was going to see me at a concert (my favourite band was playing, but I wasn't there) and was planning on what he was going to say to me, but he said he didn't want to see me. He said he had been thinking about the past 2 years of us being together so much and that he he missed it. Im assuming he wasn't extremely drunk because he wasn't studdering, breathing heavely, or showing his regular signs of drunkenness (been drinking with him several times, I know what he's like when he is over the top). I didn't say much to him because knowing to myself I could hurt myself, I didn't want to tell him how I still really felt about him, but to be fair to myself I didn't say anything. Again, he was repeating the same stuff, how he misses me, how he thinks about me all the time... etc. I simply asked him why he was telling me all this stuff when he had a girlfriend. I said he didn't know, but he said he was really happy with her but really missed me. Later on that night his friends came up to him and told him they were leaving. He said he wanted to talk more, and told him he was going to walk home (which was quite a long walk). I told him I had to go to the washroom. When I came out he was gone, so I went to talk to my drunken friend outside, and as I was watching his friend came back in to look for me. I didn't show though.
I got 5 texts that night, all stating he was "sorry for everything" and "he was walking home alone" and was "sorry" again, said he was "sorry and would talk to me later"... etc (you get the idea)
The next night he was saying sorry for his acts at the bar, and somewhat denying the fact that he said he missed me and stuff.
The big questions that I need feed back on I guess would have to be, does he really miss me? Or is he just saying that because he was a little tipsy? OR like my mom commented... is he trying to see if I am still there for him in every way just in case something happens with his current girlfriend?
PS sorry for spelling and grammar, writing this in a hurry!