Ok, never done this posting thing but you all give good advice - and I need some opinions outside my own logic! Sorry in advance for the length…

I've been dating this guy for 2 years and recently he asked for time off to reconsider things. (That is, break up and then talk in a month and half.) We both agreed that we're still in love with each other, but we've been fighting a lot (not even about particular topics) and the frustration has been building. I wanted to work things out, but he wanted time off.

I told myself that it’s over and to move on. What's strange is that I kept waiting to be completely devastated... and frankly, I wasn't. I don't know if it's because it didn't sink in, because I was busy, or what... although I did think a lot about us. Maybe it was a relief to get away from the fights, and to find myself again.

But then he called a few times and said he missed me. I didn’t initiate any calls and avoided talking about 'us' to give him that 'space'. He then asked to meet up and I said no, we should wait out the time off period. But later I thought, why not, why wait. We should try to make it work now, or just end it completely and move on. So we met up (few weeks after the breakup) and he wanted to get back together... and so we’re supposedly back together now.

We’ll still have to work through our issues, and I told him that it's a two-way effort (in our breakup talk he pointed all blame on me... which he now says isn't what he meant). But does he really understand this? That it's not just a 'fix ME' solution and it will all be solved? I believed that if you’re really in love, couples can work through the arguments and communication issues, even if it’s a lot of work. Have other couples been through this where it did work out in the end?

Another thing, he's 7 years older (and closer to settling down than me). He says though, that this isn't as much of an issue as our fights... But I think perhaps the 'breakup' was his way of trying to figure out if this is worth the fight, or a waste of his time when he’s looking to settle down.

I've been thinking a lot, but in a logical, analytical way. I don't feel emotional (angry or ecstatic) and don’t have a strong gut feeling either way... I guess I can go back and say I need more time, but I think that's just delaying the decision. It's not that I've stopped loving him (I can still see the future with him). Should I ask again, does he really get that it’s a two-way issue? Or should I just go for it and see what happens?

Ummm this is quite a complex situation. You are both at different stages in your life. He is at a point where he wants to settle down and do the whole Married life, Kids etc and you appear to be happy living your life without such responsibilities. Marriage, Children etc are all very big steps to take and you both have to be ready to take thpse steps together.

Relationships are all about compromise and what you both need to do is look at the bigger picture. I am only 22 and my boyfriend (Pete) is 21. We love each other and recently had a mishap but have worked through it. We grow closer and closer each day because we make an effort and truly love each other.


I really want to go travelling for a few months and have wanted to do so for ages. I was all set and doing everything neccssary to get the money together to go when Pete walked into my life. After a while I realised that I could not leave (even though it was for a short period of time) because I could nmot bear to be apart from Pete. (I fell in love - he makes me happy) - so I casually dropped into conversation the idea of us going travelling together. He pointed out that because of his job he couldn't, but suggested just going to one place at a time for a holiday. I sat there and knew instantly that he meant more to me than travelling the world and that I would get around each place I wanted to visit eventually and with him at my side. I do have dreams but without pete it would not seem right. So that was a compromise.

This is something you and your partner need to look at. How important are you to each other and what lengths are you prepared to go to for each other? You both know the answer already, you just need to find away to communicate it to one another.

Hi,
I was divorced the first time, after 7 years. Then, I remarried three years later, now for 29 yrs.
I do agree with the other answer about "compromise". Relationships, especially marriage are all about compromise; working things out together.
If he always points his fingers at you in an argument or misunderstanding, then that is not a good sign at all. If he isn't willing to accept at least to some extent, that he is at fault, too, then you have a very large issue here.
Living with someone who never accepts fault is going to be very tough.
Ask yourself: "Would I marry this person tomorrow, Wednesday?"
If your answer is "no", then you have to realize that this will take some time before you get to the answer of "yes".
If he can't answer "yes", then the relationship needs a lot more work.
I do wish you the best, and if you can't talk with him, and have him understand that half of the relationship is his responsibility, then it might be time to try moving on.

Yes move on and find yourself. Time apart is good. If it was meant to be you will get back together and appreciate each other more. But, remember actions speak louder than words.
You where smoothering each other so you fight.
Him calling you is like leading you on. Unless his intentions are to start a new dating thing.
I would not talk to him unless you feel you need to for yourself just to see what is going on with him. But, be warned not to jump back into a relationship to soon. Give it more time and you will see his true colors. Good luck.

I don't think it's difficult at all. It was broke for a reason.

Sounds like he wants ALL the control and power - bad for business!!

What's up with his hot and cold?

You should stayed apart the whole time. This guy is playing games.

Too much drama - and he blames you??

It was broke for a reason and now you are finding out. Move on. You're the mature one. He sounds like a controlling, insecure sap.

Just gives me the wrong vibes.

We can all get a little nuts sometimes... but he sounds unsure, and you sound like you care for him but could walk away.

Unless you both have some great moment of enlightenment, I'd say you probably need to rethink things.

It does get tough in relationships, and there are times when you feel more "in love" than others... fights happen, rough spots appear... but not only should you be willing to work through it, but you should feel some passion about it as well.

I might be wrong, but it seems like you may love him, but you can walk away from him as well. Not sure that's enough. I hope that's not enough.

The answer to your question depends on how you feel. Do you want to try again? If so then go for it and see what happens. If, however, you're unsure and feel that you still need some time alone to finish sorting things out then tell him that. It sounds like you are very firmly rooted in reality and that's a good thing. You suggest that he's ready to "settle down." What about you? You seem a little more ambivalent about that prospect in your post. Perhaps that's actually what's become the stumbling block in your relationship ; perhaps the two of you have different needs and goals right now. That's something that has to be carefully considered as well as the other issues you've mentioned.

Your apathy is a clear sign that you have no future with this fellow.
No passion = No future.


DJ'H' is right on - I wanted to approve your post, but could not... ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

Your apathy is a clear sign that you have no future with this fellow.
No passion = No future.


DJ'H' is right on - I wanted to approve your post, but could not... ;)

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Cheers phillysteakandcheese! I don't see afuture between them either - if anything you need to ask yourself "what do I want? Out of this relationship & out of life? Once again you already know the answer, you justhave to be brave and tell your partner the truth. It may hurt him in the short term, but n the long term he will respect your honesty.

Thanks for your thoughts & advice, helps to see others' opinions.
So I guess I really need to find out what I want for ME, but honestly, I am not sure sometimes. I didn't mean to seem apathetic about him in my last posting – although it's true that I've never felt completely devastated like I expected... But, even though I keep telling myself it's over, it's over, it's over, I think a small part of me still believes that we'll get back together.

I told him over the phone that I don't know if getting back together was the right decision, that I'm not completely convinced he wants to get back together for the right reasons (i.e. I want to him really put in the effort to win me back and prove that he wants me back. I think it was too easy for him to get back together. Although I didn't say it to him this way).

I wasn't prepped for this talk at all, so I don't know if I made the right points or not… Now he says “I thought of it as a break”, and I said no, you specifically said let's break up. I told him that I was doing OK during the break, going out, keeping busy, but that I hadn't met anyone still with the same connections as we have had (yikes, I was talking on the fly and perhaps shouldn't have said that?). I think his ego stepped in because his response was pretty lame (“yeah, I was surprised I was doing OK too”, and didn't fight for us much at all). But then he says “I still think we have something special.” And why was he calling me constantly during that time off and saying he missed me and wanted to see me?

I guess I need more time for myself… but if in the end I did want to get back together with him in the end (of course, he'd have to really work for it and win me over), what do I do? Give us space/time? The call ended abruptly without a real definite conclusion. I'm not going to call him, but should I avoid his calls?

The thing I see here is that you are a little mixed upi - you are not sure if going back and being together is the right thing for you both? But on the same level you miss him. The trouble is after being with someone for so long, when they are gone you feel numb and slightly lost, but that does not mean getting back together is the answer. I firmly believe that you need to take some tme out for yourself and be independent for a while. Hang out with friends, enjoy your hobbies and just be by yourself to clear your head and start thinking straight. Only then will everything become clear and will you be able to make the right decision for both of you.

So, a quick update... I ended up sending him an email to ask what was going on, if he really does want to get back together or why he's being hesitant. He wrote back and said that he's at a point in his life where he wants to settle down soon. He asked me if I'm willing to cut back on career and put in more time to us, and said his gut says I'm not. Well, I'm not right at this moment, but can see myself moving in that direction.

He called to see if we can meet up to talk, but I said I needed more time. I felt a little tension between us on the phone.

I know we need to talk in person - like I don't know if he means, am I ready to settle down right now, or a year from now. And we still have our communication issues to deal with. But, if despite all this I want to still make it work...

Should I meet up with him tomorrow? Am I just prolonging this unnecessarily? Or should I wait another week?

I've been going out and it's been fun, nice to talk to guys, etc. I'm not afraid of the idea to date again and have been asked out, but haven't found anyone I'm interested in... It doesn't feel bad to be single, but I still think about him and us.

Hi,
If you are not yet ready to make changes in your career, then this is not for you.
You will always remember him, but maybe not still be in love with him. Things change, people's feelings change. If you are having fun meeting new people, I see no reason to continue trying to figure this out with him. He is going to want you to make a commitment, and you aren't ready for it. Casual conversation would be OK, if you want to talk with him. But, don't get back with him now. Maybe later.

You don't sound as if your in a hurry to renew this relationship so don't. Take all the time you need and don't be pressured by anyone's timetable. You and only you can control your own future so what's the hurry!:cool: :)

It's been a few weeks now since I've seen him. We're supposed to meet up next week to hang/talk.

I miss him and want to get back together with him. What do I do or say?

The other day a friend (who didn't know till then that we had broken up) told me he saw my ex out during lunch hour, not on a date, but seemed to be single. Is that a guy to guy vibe that my ex is over it? I guess I've been out plenty of times too, single, so maybe I'm reading too much into it...

I know I'll be fine if it doesn't work out, life goes on. But I do want us to make it work. All my friends say he needs to prove himself to get back together with me. But he's proud and I can't ever see him begging to get back together, even if that's what he wants.

I've read some of the other posts and tried taken heed to the 'don't see him' rule. But now what?

Well, communication is key. See what he wants noe that you have had this break. But don't ask a million questions - keep the pressure low.

Remember - always - People Want What They Can't Have. So don't be totally available to him or throw yourself at him.

Don't obsesse over it though. He may not want to get back together - be prepared.

I think it would have been a good idea to see other people. Gives a lot better perspective.

Thank Wildcat.

So we met up the other day for dinner. We had a good time, hung out, talking and feeling great like old times. He was being flirty, and there was obviously chemistry still there.

Then we talked about us, and what we want out of life, etc. I kept honest with him and said I'd be ready to settle down with the right person, but not have kids right now. It was a good talk overall.

But when it finally got to the question of "what now", he was still indecisive. It seemed like because he was unsure of whether we'd work out or not (in the long-run), he was hesitating in fear. I told him I'm not looking for answers to all our problems right now or for him to change. But I can't keep waiting around while he's being wishy-washy. Maybe he was waiting for me to reach out first and be mushy over him. But I knew I wasn't going to do that, because I wasn't there to CONVINCE him to stay with me. He should prove that himself. So I told him if he's still uncertain, then let's move on.

I asked to get my stuff back from his place. He kept stalling the entire time, saying he wished he had more time, pausing here and there to talk more. But in the end I finally gave him a hug and left.

I do wish we were together again. It made me happy to talk about future and think about us being together, settling down, etc. But I'm just tired of all this being in limbo. I've been OK without him, but still have been thinking about him and possibilities of us.

Is it over now? Completely? Was I too 'objective'? I know all the advice says to live my life and move forward and if it's meant to be it'll be. So much easier said than done. I'm going out tonight and keeping busy. But I miss him.

Hi dear,
I 've just finished reading the whole thread.
First, let me compliment you on the real effort you put in to try and see everything as clearly as possible.
It'n not easy.
Then, I think you'll get a better perspective of the whole thing if you read all your entries, one after the other.
Just your letters.
What I mean is, that by reading them, you'll see a certain development of the story of which you might not have been aware:
First thing, you were having trouble in your relationship; there's definitely a communication problem. Communication is one of the foundation rocks for a sound relationship.
Then, he blamed it all on you: without knowing any details, please keep in mind that "it takes two to tango", and in any case, life with a person who can't admit where he's mistaken, and therefore won't do anything about it, and next, can't take your feelings into consideration, and can't say "I'm sorry", (and mean it !) - this relationship is bound to hit "it's head" into a brickwall.
But these aren't the only things I noticed when I read the whole thread: at the beginning, he was the one ready for a commitment, willing to settle down. At the end of the story, you seem to wish it more than him!
Is it possible that there has been some subtle manipulation to get you there?
The more I look at it, the more I don't like it for you:
1. you shouldn't give up your future potential to provide for yourself independently
2. you didn't seem to miss him so much in your first 2 letters, somehow, by and by, you began to miss him, after he kept popping back - although you went out and had a good time, and were surprised that you felt so good
3. your last letter gave me the feeling that you missed the relationship, not the person; that you mention all the things you mean by "settling down", again you seem to have grown to like the idea, but one should get there with the right person.
I know he's 7 years your senior, but since the beginning of the thread, I've got the feeling that you're more mature than him - and being mature does not necessarily follow the chronologic age; you can be immature at 60, and very mature at 27 !
I don't know what's your age, if you're young, I wouldn't rush into anything permanent, by the way I figure things are.
Please reconsider, looking at the points I brought up here.
At least, don be in touch with him until you can answer some questions more clearly.
Write more, may be we can all consider again the whole picture, together.
Take good care of yourself, and good luck,
Millie :)

I could not comment on your post but I agree 100% on your advice,Milliec!:cool: :)

Thanks a lot!
(And Happy Easter)
Millie:)