I live in California, have been divorced for five years and remarried three years ago. I have two kids, 16 & 14 and have had primary custody since the divorce. My husband has two kids, 11 & 9 and has them during summer and holiday breaks. Up until a year ago, my ex lived within five miles from us and visitations were every other weekend with some holidays and week day dinners. During this time, because he was always so "busy" he rarely saw the kids unless it was during his scheduled visitations. Never did he call to see if he could just have the kids for a day just because, and many times when he did have them during scheduled visits, he would leave them with his girlfriend while he went out to take care of "stuff." Recently, he took a job in Texas that has allowed him to come to California to visit the kids every month for a period... but the visits are not planned with more than a month's notice. Sometimes it is for a few days and sometimes it is for over a week. Originally I tried to talk him out of the move and expressed that I was not comfortable with the change in the visitations as the kids had gotten used to a regular schedule, but I went along with it anyway to keep peace and give him the benefit of the doubt. About five months ago, my son expressed that his father would like for him to possibly move to Texas which I am completely against for many reasons. I can't stand the thought of either of my kids being so far and I know that due to my ex's busy schedule in TX, his quality time would be limited. My reluctancy to allow this move has caused great tension between me and my son who is the 14 year old and now, when his father comes out for his monthly visit, I sense that my son does not want to have anything to do with me. His father has made some comments to both kids which have been critical of how I run things in my home and he has painted a picture that the way things are when he's visiting and not working is the way it would be if they lived with him permanently. HELP! I know they think life would be better with their father because he is not as strict as I am. I have always been there for my kids, have always been a hands on mom and I love them dearly. Teenagers tend to get in trouble when they are left alone and I am afraid if either of them go to Texas, they will not get the parenting they need during this critical period of their lives. But the more I try to keep them, the harder they pull away from me. What can I do? Do I let them go to Texas and only see them during school breaks, or should I seek legal support to modify the schedule so that visitations are outlined and followed? I can't continue this on-again, off-again visitation schedule... which in my opinion has caused great inconsistencies and been very disruptive. I am so frightened of losing my kids and need some solid advice.

CCM

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Originally Posted by colleenm100

or should I seek legal support to modify the schedule so that visitations are outlined and followed?
CCM

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That's your answer right there.

Frankly, at 14 and 16 your kids should be well able to handle the change in the father's visitation. So I wouldn't worry about that part of it.

But if the father is making noises about changing the custody arrangement, then you will need an attorney. The only way he can do that is by going to court and seeking a change. You need to be prepared for that and be able to show why you think he will not be a good full time father. An attorney can help you preapare for that and will know what questions to ask him at a hearing.

I agree with the above, but I also must say that the things you describe as if they were abnormal, such as the father moving and the visitation schedule being changed, ideas of moving in with another parent, and pretty much everythin else you've outlined, I have known to be pretty common. While neither parent SHOULD criticize the other in front of the children, it happens a lot, and from what you said, it is isn't nearly as bad as it normally is. Besides that, you'd have to have proof for anything to be done, and even if you did, it doesn't seem to be bad enough to take any kind of action, whatever you'd like that to be. It's not like he's calling you a bunch of bad names to your kids and telling them you used to beat them as a child or anything. As for your question, your children are old enough for the court to take into consideration what they want, and if it is to live with their father, like Scott said, you would have to prove how that isn't in the best interest of the kids. However, if you aggressively try to keep their father from getting primary custody just because you don't want to let them go, or try to limit his visitation schedule if they do wind up staying with you, you will likely find that your children will resent that, and you will arguably have a worse relationship with them than if they stayed with their dad and visited you. I know the situation sucks, it sucks for all involved, but it isn't their fault you split up, and they are trying to deal with it just like you. Forgive me for sounding harsh, but it's not all about what you want here. There are three other people who's feelings have to be taken into account. I wish you the best of luck.

You are both right in so many ways... letting go is so hard. All I can do is pray that at 14 & 16 they carry what I instilled in them to make the right choices will be carried wherever they go. I just wish he would have stayed close to the kids so no one would be going through this... I know how important it is to have BOTH parents involved in the kids' lives on a regular basis.

I will agree, couples get divorced every day and one party moving away after a few years is almost comomon place, and the procedures for this are easy to see in court rulings done for years. The current custody agreement is valid until someone goes back and ask for it to be modified, so you don't have to allow any visits other than the ones specified in the current custody agreement. But if he is not a danger or threat to the children he will get specific visits at his place of living so you most likely will not stop that from happening. So figuring and working on a agreed to time and the such is the best, but you can require it to be specific dates and time that he will have to work with.