Ask Me Help Desk - I Walked in on my boyfriend watching porn

We had a guest over and I was in the living room playing a game, and my boyfriend was in the bedroom, also logged into the same game. I walked into the hallway and made a bit of noise, because I don't want to catch him watching it though I knew he'd been lying to me.
I walked in and he was masturbating and I walked in and he stopped and kept his eyes in the keyboard and alt f4 out of the porn. I didn't see what he was watching but I knew well what happened. I came in and hugged him and I asked him why he did that.
At first he tried to ask what evidence I had.
And I brushed my hand over the evidence in his pants.
He knows this is a huge HUGE issue for me. I couldn't help it anymore I have been trying to ignore it, I just can't anymore.
He said it is an old habit that every guy has and he normally comes to me after watching it, and I asked, well when were you going to come to me? He said he hadn't finished watching it yet.
I know there is no problem with our sex life, he just doesn't seem too interested in sex anymore, I am over willing to do anything for him. It is normally him denying me sex.
I am confused on how I should approach this issue, because he doesn't think it is a problem, even though I told him more than once how very against porn I am.

He may have an addiction to pornography/masturbation.

If he does, he needs to see a therapist as soon as possible. Porn/mastub addiction is ruining a lot on young men in cultures where young men have easy access to it via the PC... what seems not to be a problem at first actually grows in time involved and to depths of depravity as simple porn is insufficient to bring about the desired results.

Porn/Masturbation addiction: the object of the man's desire is the pornography itself, not a real woman.

It sounds like an addiction to me also, and beyond that it is a matter of trust, he knows it bothers you but will do it anyway. So he cares more for his desires and what he likes over what bothers you. Also it often lowers the man opinion of women since so much of porn merely uses women for their desires only.

Porn blockers added to all the computers in the home is always my suggestion.

Just because a guy likes to watch porn (big suprise) he doesn't automatically have an addiction.

Now with that said I don't understand the urge to spank the monkey when you have a willing wife or girlfriend closeby. Nor do I understand his denying you sex. Particularly if you are quite open minded and adventureous.

I think there might be other undisclosed issues at play here that quite honestly you may not be aware of unless he has discussed them.

you sound too willing to appease him.

*big note: that does not mean its your fault*

you appease him probably because by doing "whatever he wants", you get something in return I suppose. If you can coax him into sex, then you get your chance... not exactly rapture and ecstacy for you when you are always wondering if he will yet again turn you down or if this will be the time he allows you yours.

and you've known about this and you've walked around it, avoided it, and he tried to hide it with you standing right there.

a porn addict? Don't know. Maybe. Addicted to his own hand? Perhaps. An idiot who chooses porn and masturbation over a wanting and willing partner? Yup. If you had all the fantastic sex you craved and he still self stimulated, even to porn, you might not feel so rejected.

so what's worse? To be a person addicted to an action that could ruin his relationship or to be a person who simply values the relationship so little that he will do what he wants when he wants, and/or lie to make it easier on himself?

yuck to both of those.

I'm not a fan of trying too hard to control your mate. Sure, I think some simple rules and lines should be agreed upon. But if you have to fight the other person too much to get them to be in synch with you, they really aren't much of a match in the first place. A person who is open to erotica isn't worse than a person who hates it... but it's that pesky little relationship thing... that's when it becomes an issue or not. Couples who share porn as a part of a healthy sex life have no issue. Here, you've told him how it makes you feel and he has decided that its more important to please himself than you.

libido can change for many reasons. The "new relationship shine" wears off ("been there, done that" syndrome) for one. Some have issues with self stimulation taking the edge off sexual tension that should be channeled toward you. Other issues such as stress... mental or physical, lack of exercise (working out always amps my libido), poor health, blood pressure issues, smoking, drinking, aging, etc...

so any changes in his life recently? Stress? Is he physically active? Have many friends? Do you live with him? Spend a lot of time together? Any time apart?

even the guilt and frustration of covering up and then being caught with porn can be a mental block.

so what can you make him do? Nothing. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

all you can do is decide where your lines are, decide what battles are worth fighting, and sometimes make hard choices. Most of the time you only get the respect you demand for yourself, and sometimes you don't even get that.

problems in the bedroom can sometimes reflect issues outside the bedroom... but not always. For ex, if my partner isn't interested in sex it might simply be she is exhausted, tired, mentally drained... things that don't have to do with me so much as her ability to lose herself in the moment. Then again, if she is ticked at me, she's also not going to be amorous.

on my side... issues in the bedroom would usually be caused by excessive tiredness, illness, etc. the relationship could be burning to the ground and I could still find that emotional and physical connection to my mate. I'm not saying that's healthy, as I staying in two relationships much too long due to great sex in a bad relationship... I'm just babbling about how sometimes issues in the bedroom have nothing to do with issues in the relationship.

here, however, it sure seems like he's channeling energy into porn and you are losing time and attention to the dates he seems to favor with his hand and porn sites.

so... time for open communication about this issue and about the relationship. Are you in a rut? What's going on?

and in the end, if nothing changes, he still is neglectful and you have to do all the heavy lifting to get attention in the bedroom... there is a point where you accept it and you cannot complain if you stay.

I've been at that point with my partner concerning when I'm most interested in sex (night) and she is (morning). At some point I had to come to terms with the fact she was too tired, too exhausted at night most of the time to really be able to connect to me. Sure, she might be willing to "service" me, but that's not what I'm looking for. So... at some point I had to realize that my bending to her needs was worth it. She in turn tries to be attentive to me, knowing my drive is higher than hers. Quid pro quo works nicely here.

but I had to come to terms with what was worth fighting about and what was not. If he doesn't change after talking things through, you don't get to stay and complain. You have to come to terms with the issue and stay or leave. You pick your battles and own your actions.

sorry you are having to do that here. I think he's an idiot whod better rethink what he's doing, especially his failure to keep chasing you.

Thank you very much! I talked to him about it, he has had the Porn Problem since he was 15. I have been living with him for over a year we are both 20 years old, and both working quite a bit.
I thought his job may have lowered his motivation a bit.
After the talk with him I am hoping things get better.
He tells me that I am not unattractive to him, he tells me that I am a beautiful girl and that I have self esteem issues, So I told him I will work on my problems and he can work on his.
Whether he hides it or quits, I don't really care as long as he is sexually active with me :3
Everything else in our relationship is great though, so Im hoping for the best.

Keeping an open and honest dialogue about sex is really important. Things won't always mesh, but the more you can explore and talk together, the better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonkinBaby

Thank you very much! I talked to him about it, he has had the Porn Problem since he was 15. I have been living with him for over a year we are both 20 years old, and both working quite a bit.
I thought his job may have lowered his motivation a bit.
After the talk with him I am hoping things get better.
He tells me that I am not unattractive to him, he tells me that I am a beautiful girl and that I have self esteem issues, So I told him I will work on my problems and he can work on his.
Whether he hides it or quits, I dont really care as long as he is sexually active with me :3
Everything else in our relationship is great though, so Im hoping for the best.

Sounds like a good neutral and yet positive approach to me. As far as your needs few guys get upset if you are up front about them (as far as what and when). Even fewer guys are able to read minds.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Even fewer guys are able to read minds.

I still have trouble "reading" my own...

=)

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Sounds like a good neutral and yet positive approach to me. As far as your needs few guys get upset if you are up front about them (as far as what and when). Even fewer guys are able to read minds.

Thank you, It has worked out so far, everything seems, "normal" Im not trying to be pessimistic, so I think it will all smooth out, thank you for your help =]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonkinBaby

Thank you very much! I talked to him about it, he has had the Porn Problem since he was 15. I have been living with him for over a year we are both 20 years old, and both working quite a bit.
I thought his job may have lowered his motivation a bit.
After the talk with him I am hoping things get better.
He tells me that I am not unattractive to him, he tells me that I am a beautiful girl and that I have self esteem issues, So I told him I will work on my problems and he can work on his.
Whether he hides it or quits, I dont really care as long as he is sexually active with me :3
Everything else in our relationship is great though, so Im hoping for the best.

Or you could watch porn with him a few times. Make is somewhat of a joke, and start pointing out their imperfections. I won't tell you how many pimples I have seen in those movies.

Now every time you think about him watching porn, you can be assured.. he will notice them too.. lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuJuFruit

Or you could watch porn with him a few times. Make is somewhat of a joke, and start pointing out their imperfections. I wont tell you how many pimples I have seen in those movies.

Now everytime you think about him watching porn, you can be assured.. he will notice them too.. lol

hehe
I may bring it up :P
Thanks =]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonkinBaby

We had a guest over and I was in the living room playing a game, and my boyfriend was in the bedroom, also logged into the same game. I walked into the hallway and made a bit of noise, because I don't want to catch him watching it though I knew he'd been lying to me.
I walked in and he was masturbating and I walked in and he stopped and kept his eyes in the keyboard and alt f4 out of the porn. I didnt see what he was watching but I knew well what happened. I came in and hugged him and I asked him why he did that.
At first he tried to ask what evidence I had.
and I brushed my hand over the evidence in his pants.
He knows this is a huge HUGE issue for me. I couldnt help it anymore I have been trying to ignore it, I just can't anymore.
He said it is an old habit that every guy has and he normally comes to me after watching it, and I asked, well when were you going to come to me?! He said he hadnt finished watching it yet.
I know there is no problem with our sex life, he just doesnt seem too interested in sex anymore, I am over willing to do anything for him. It is normally him denying me sex.
I am confused on how I should approach this issue, because he doesnt think it is a problem, even though I told him more than once how very against porn I am.

Yes, I read something on this about the addiction to porn. As a guy... try using some sexy lingerie... maybe some "kinky" lingerie... see what happens... just trying to give some advise... see if it works...

Watching the stuff and doing what he does is perfectly normal.. however, denying you.. not so normal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonkinBaby

hehe
I may bring it up :P
Thanks =]

Yea we have a movie, where there is a fly hovering around her "pleasure Spot"

THAT is hilarious...

Quote:

Originally Posted by number1tank

yes, I read something on this about the addiction to porn. As a guy.... try using some sexy lingerie... maybe some "kinky" lingerie.... see what happens... just trying to give some advise.... see if it works...

Watching the stuff and doing what he does is perfectly normal.. however, denying you.. not so normal.

Thank you =]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuJuFruit

Yea we have a movie, where there is a fly hovering around her "pleasure Spot"

THAT is hilarious ...

Oh wow...
I just don't understand what the point is for watching porn.
=/

I will give you just my opinion on porn. I have had 4 serious intimate relationships.

In each one we have viewed porn. My first relationship, we watched porn to learn. We were both virgins, and figured there had to be more to it than what we were doing. Plus I was raised catholic, and porn is SUPER TABOO...

2nd relationship was my 1st hubby. We watched porn to, but not often.

3rd relationship, he was similar to your BF. But he didn't hid it. He LOVED to masturbate. (2-5 x's a day) We had an active sex life. And he had quite a porn collection.

My current hubby and I watch it as well. My hubby likes to "outlast" the guys... lol We have also tried to simulate what they are doing, but that is kind of hard, considering they cut and paste movies, as well as dubbed certain parts and replay them. We have found some great new positions from watching porn.

Me personally I like porn. I am sometimes in awe at what some of these gals can do...

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonkinBaby

Oh wow...
I just dont understand what the point is for watching porn.
=/

Simple. Guys are very visual. Thus like to see things. NASCAR, Drag racing, Porn...

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Simple. Guys are very visual. Thus like to see things. NASCAR, Drag racing, Porn......

Football, baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer... not to mention that horrible HORRIBLE habit every guy I know has of watching 134 channels at once on TV when they have the remote in their hands, rather than just picking ONE channel and watching it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

Football, baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer....not to mention that horrible HORRIBLE habit every guy I know has of watching 134 channels at once on TV when they have the remote in their hands, rather than just picking ONE channel and watching it.

That's why we have two cable boxes in our house. If there is something on at the same time on different channels we both really want to watch neither has to miss it.

Neither of us are perpetual channel surfers.