Ask Me Help Desk - Update on the no sex?

I asked a question on a post earlier (like a few weeks ago) about me and my boyfriend how he never wants to have sex/when we do its about him getting off, and that's it. He is very very affectionate like I said before, nothing has changed, he always tells me he loves me/misses me/runs his fingers through my hair until I fall asleep every night/cuddles with me/kisses me/etc. I KNOW he loves me and I love him too just the same. Since the last post however, I have talked to him about our sex, how I am kind of upset about how we have slowly been having less and less sex, and when we do I feel like its all about him. I let him know that when it used to be about US I would like it, it would feel good, he was good at what he did, and I missed it, so I don't think that its because he doesn't think he KNOWS how to please me, he knows he does. However, he told me that he feels bad now that he hasn't been pleasing me and he didn't realize that he was doing this. (BS.. I know that he knows I have been frustrated we don't have enough sex!). I understand... he goes to school full time/works full time. We are best friends. He has been going to school and work full time since we started dating over a year ago, so what is it? I asked him if he is no longer interested in me (which I don't think is the case because he is really SO affectionate), and he got very upset/sad that I would think that. He said no that is not true at all, he loves me more than anything and he is very much interested and he doesn't want anything to happen between us. So... why the no sex? I am willing to put myself to the side (even though that's what I have been doing) and not worry about it or mention it? Or do I initiate it? TWO QUESTIONS: What should I do? And Why has our sex lives changed?

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeNN11

I understand...he goes to school full time/works full time. We are best friends. He has been going to school and work full time since we started dating over a year ago, so what is it? I asked him if he is no longer interested in me (which I don't think is the case because he is really SO affectionate), and he got very upset/sad that I would think that. He said no that is not true at all, he loves me more than anything and he is very much interested and he doesnt want anything to happen between us. So...why the no sex?TWO QUESTIONS: What should I do? and Why has our sex lives changed?

You answered your own question. Full time school and full time work is full time stress. It doesn't turn you into an emotional iceberg but it will kill the libido.

What should you do? I think its pretty clear. Trick is can you see it.

I'll give you a hint to get you in the right direction. The world does not revolve around each of us. He's making one hell of a sacrifice doing this, its time you step up to the plate as well, for a while anyway. When school is over the stress will decrease assuming a new baby isn't involved.

I just feel like, he has been in school and work full time since we have been together. Why has he JUST NOW started feeling all the stress, if that's the case? I can understand, I am in school and work full time as well, but I could never imagine not wanting to have sex with him anymore, OR not wanting to please him! We have both gained a few pounds, me maybe 5 or 10, and him a little more, but I still love him the same, he tells me the same. I believe him that I am beautiful, but him all of a sudden not wanting to have sex is making me very very insecure about myself. I have started exercising and eating right with him, but its just all I think about

Stress sometime takes time to do its thing. Short term stresses rarely have the same effect that a lesser but recurring stress will have over time.

School will be over and this will be a memory soon enough.

Keep in mind people handle stress differently. One person might turn to sex as a means of stress relief (not really healthy to do this) while it will depress anothers desire or ability. The mechanisms are different between a man and a woman on this.

I think I remember your previous post... old, poor short term memory.

"The honeymoon's over". :)

You have to find different ways to relate to a partner as the relationship grows older and people *change*.

A woman has to develop her sexuality much more and be an equal partner, not an innocent ingenue(sp?) getting by on her looks and passivity.

Get a good book on sexuality and go to it! :)

Best wishes,