Hi all, new to this site and to the pain we are and have felt / feeling. With all the support and advice from you and the hope Ash123 comes across this too, would be very much appreciated. So here goes, my story... sorry for the length.

I'm a 39 year old male who's been with his soulmate for going on 7 years. Two weeks ago, she moved out of our flat and back home to her parents, saying she needed time to think, at the time she said to not look at it that's its over. Two day later, she said she didn't feel the same anymore…….

A bit of history….

When we met, we met with baggage. Both of us had pasts and that carried jealousy and insecurity into our relationship. In the early days I was not the best boyfriend due to accusations etc. That nearly cost me then our relationship in its second year, but I realized in time and changed.

My Ex has always been insecure and suffered from depression too, which didn't help. We got back together, but have had rocky times. I know your thinking already, it's doomed, but let me shed more light. Outside of the difficult parts we were very, very loving and close. We felt the same desires, we are very similar people, (both Arians too). We had a strong bond, connection, passion. Our sex life was the best ever, we connected very well and felt a unity when making love beyond anything else either of us had felt before. That part of our lives was probably more prominent than anything else at the time. But what I did was neglect her over the years. I've only realized this over many recent hours soul searching. I took it for granted and thought she would never leave me as I wouldn't her, and I treated her wrong. I was talking to an old female friend in the early days of our relationship, and when that came out I think it started this whole process into the inevitable decline. Other things happened that made her doubt me and she slipped further into insecurity and depression I guess. Although, it was wrong, I must add I wasn't being unfaithful or wanting another, it was more a case of bad management and slefishness.

Just prior to xmas, we stopped having sex. I know realize this was down to me. I have drunk and smoked puff for 5 years everyday, and looking back I'm thinking this has effected me and made me neglect our relationship and affect my personality. So we decided to move into our flat together in Jan of this year to really go for it and try and leave all the distrust behind us and focus on our lives and our plans to have children. To her I now see this was the “deciding” point in her life about if we could do it. I talked to her abruptly, I didn't love her as I should have and I slowly killed the very strong feelings she had for me. She gave me an ultimatum that if I didn't stop smoking and cut down drinking, she would not have kids. I even brushed this aside. I know this is terribly disgusting, and I only see this now, but I strongly believe the drink and drugs have affected my mind and how I behave, almost ignoring glaringly obvious signs. I didn't stop, we grew more distant through no sex, loving, etc. Then through her depression and all this she requested Prozac and starting taking it 3 months before she left. I could then see her changing more. She was getting confident, going out more, drinking more, albeit I would say acting a little wreckless in all honesty. Then she finally had the courage I guess to walk.

So where am I now.

I saw her last Thursday, which was a week after she walked out, which was a real wake up, and we talked. She said the feelings hade gone for her. She doesn't think about me like that anymore. She's not bothered where I am and doesn't miss me like she should. Part of me thinks the Prozac is making this easier too, although I now understand where I went wrong. Then I started trawling the web for answers, and came across this site. I've tried the NC, and as of today, I know I really need to go for it. But it's so hard, so hard. I imagine her with another person, not now, but in the future. Being intimate like we once were, and it rips me up. I can't believe she can feel the way she does, although I can see now why she would. I'm in and out of optimism, but its slowly disappearing, but the pain does not. I guess I'm at the acceptance stage. I never thought we would ever be apart. I have immediately stopped smoking and working on the drink. PArtly because of what I now know and need to change, and partly in hope she will love me again?

If I'm aware now of what caused this decline, and truly could change, do you think in time she will ever find that feeling again? Is it possible to regain what's lost, or have things gone too far? Do women ever regret or change how they feel?

Does NC really help, or I it just a vehicle to assist you moving on? She said to me, that's whilst she's not making promises, that we need to give it time and who will know what happens. Part of me yearns for her back and the other half thinks she's just being “kind” in order for me to move on.

Any opinions on my situation would be appreciated

Very often when one partner says they need a break it is that they want out but don't want to say they want to break up. They think it is easier on your getting over them when it just prolongs the process and gives false hope.
Sounds like she has gotten herself into a whole different lifestyle and is making less and less room for you.
NC would be good because she is weaning you out and you are playing along with it. NC- your terms, procrastinating a break-up is on her terms. Often the one breaking up likes the 'weaning' process because they are not fully over you but it buys them time while they get over you while raising your hopes.

If someone moves out after 7 years, I doubt they plan on coming back anytime soon.

Does NC really help, or I it just a vehicle to assist you moving on?
Despite what others say, I maintain it is a way to move on, as there is no magic pill for getting someone back. Especially if they really don't want to, but NC, is for you and your healing, not theirs.
She said to me, that's whilst she's not making promises, that we need to give it time and who will know what happens.
If she makes no promises, neither can you! She made her decision based on her needs, so should you! I don't care whose fault it is, as reality says take care of yourself, as she sure ain't.

Part of me yearns for her back and the other half thinks she's just being “kind” in order for me to move on.
Thats very normal to feel that way after 7 years with someone and it will take quite a while to move on if thats the case. Leave it alone for 30 days and see where your head is at. After all that time together moving on wont be easy for either of you, but you must give her the time she ask for, and balance your life without her in it. Save your dignity and self respect, by taking care of you for now, and see how it goes, without her. If she changes her mind before then, I'm sure she'll let you know.

Not fair to you to drift with no direction, waiting on how she feels, take the bull by the horns, and make yourself happy for you, without her.

Sorry for your loss.

Many thanks for the kind words,

If she makes no promises, neither can you! She made her decision based on her needs, so should you! I don't care whose fault it is, as reality says take care of yourself, as she sure ain't.

What do you mean, she isn't? Sorrt, edit, I re-read, you mean she isn't caring of me.



Not fair to you to drift with no direction, waiting on how she feels, take the bull by the horns, and make yourself happy for you, without her.

I know this, and I really know I need to be strong. Its just hard to "let go" I guess. Part of me almost dreams of being with her again. I know that by what we had, for her to say and do this must be bad. She's not confused, she's really fed up with it and lost it. I'm just constantly thinking if things were different, etc, etc. I know this is probably just what everyone thinks and how you shouldn't act? Why did I not react to this, I did see signs...

Sorry for your loss.[/QUOTE]Thank you

Not even 24 hours of NC, and Im pulling my hair out. All the horrible feelings are flooding in and out of my mind. How can she not love me anymore? How can she move on without me? I think of her all day, I wonder where she is, what she's doing. She told me she don't even think of me most of the time anymore... how can it all go, and if its been going for a while, how can someone hang in there, dealing with the realisation themselves, just to esse the pain on them, if that's the case.

My head's starting to accept all this but its really hard. I keep going back to thinking what if's and how comes? I know I'm REALLY doing this NC process in the desperate hope she will miss me and will re-find that feeling she says she's lost.

I've been through a lot in my life so far, but nothing compares to this. Its not just the pain, its everything, wondering, accepting, regretting, realising.

Jamie, you can get through it. Trust me, while my relationship wasn't as long as yours it was still extremely hard to do NC. The first week or two are the worse, everyone starts NC with the hope of them missing you. It's unavoidable, but eventually you get to the point where you start to feel better without them so you just stop hoping and realize you are okay, the world didn't end. The sun still rises every morning, nothing has changed except for her being there.

Thanks Rome, and time has no meaning, its love and that can happen and flourish in months.

I know its not the end of the world in real terms. I just didn't think we would ever get to this point. I'm hurt and feel the pain of being "fallen out of love with" by a very loving, close person. I thought what we had was special and unique, (after reading on here though, a lot of people have that). And part of me, a very big part, is having real trouble letting this go and accepting it's the truth.

Letting go and realizing it is over are the hardest things, but I can tell you from experience, this site and the people(friends) that you will make on this site are the best motivators. They give you unbiased advice and help that you won't get anywhere else, I wouldn't be where I am today if it was for the kick in the arse that I got from Tal.

Hi Jamie,

I am so sorry that you are feeling such pain. If it is any comfort, I always ask myself the 'what if's' the 'why's', etc. It is so hard, I know, but Rome is right, time (as hard at it is) will help heal you, and of course your new friends here at this site. We are all here to help you, and we all know too well what you are going through. Try to be strong, and get yourself out and about to do things to help take your mind away from the situation, and to enjoy what you like to do. I wish we all had a magic wand to make our ex's come back to us, but only time will tell. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up, and punish yourself. Stay strong, and again, know we are all here for you.

I'm sure she does think of you but, she is trying to forget the rough spots in the relationship. Keep up the NC, and again, time will tell.

Thanks guys, it does help, although I'm sitting here now with a tear in my eye. One thing I know is that I HAVE to go through NC in order for this to move forward. Either way, things in our relationship had got bad to the point that we couldn't sit here now and easily reconsile. Or maybe that's just me starting to realise that won't happen. Anyway, all she's saying right now is I don't feel the same, its gone, and I know all I can do is stop contacting her and just hope she misses me eventually, whilst I guess healing in the process. I don't think she is even thinking of me to be honest, she said as much last time we spoke. That's why this is so hard.

Boy, I feel rough now and Its only the first day. Why don't we just accept it when someone says its over, why the hell do we want to chase after someone that says they don't feel for you anymore. How is that possible. I so want to call/mail her, but I know its not going to get the response I yearn

Thanks again

Have you read the stickies for this forum yet? There are links in my signature. They have some great suggestions of what to do in your situation.
(They also save me a lot of typing)

I have Tal, yes, and thanks again. I have been on this site for about 4 days before I posted, a lot of the stickie woke me up I guess. I just felt I wanted answers, but now reality is kicking in, I need more. It just feels like the rugs been pulled out from beneath me.

It hurts to know that someone who you lived and loved with you was not happy, and to think they're happy without you.

Anyone know the stats on how many women do this because they're is someone else. Comments from women too please? I mean I don't think for a minute she would cheat, but maybe she's found someone new, is atracted and wants me gone now. And she wants me to go away quietly so she can happily move on, hence the polite nature.



I so hope not, that bombshell will hit hard

Ok, its been a few days since I posted and I wanted to update you with what's just happened today and gain anyone’s advice.

I went NC around 3 days ago, and the pain has been unbearable. I've cried most days and felt awful. Everyday it was getting harder and harder to see any hope and the realization was really kicking in.
Today, on other advice, I packed up the remainder of her things and anything that reminded me off her and boxed it up. There was an expensive item that my ex had asked for me to post back, but with all the other stuff, it was too big. So today, Friday, whilst she's at work, I decided to run them over to her folks house and give them to them. The drive over was a killer, and I would say today was the worst day for despondancy. As I drove all I could think of was a life without her and her life with someone else.

So I arrived at her folks house and knocked on the door, quite tearful at this stage. The door opened and she was there... my ex... looking beautiful. I almost cracked and was in shock. We both looked at each other for a moment, what seemed like an age, then I asked if we could talk. She said yes and invited me in. We talked a lot and cried a little. She was impressed that I’d identified faults in the relationship, but said not much had really changed. She did say she felt better seeing me today than she did a week ago, and that NC had made her ownder about me and feel slightly jealous as to what I may be doing. She also said she couldn’t imagine NEVER seeing me again. I said as friends, and she said no, I couldn’t do that. But at the moment things inside her didn’t feel right and she still didn’t look at me as she should. She said IF and IF anything did happen again we would be starting from scratch. Falling in Love all over again I suppose. BUT THAT WAS A BIG IF. She still said she wanted “space” and time apart as at this moment and that she doesn’t want it.

We cuddled and I left. She was even watching me drive away from her window.

Now I feel a lot better than I did driving over there, but I don’t like feeling this way just yet if you know what I mean. Its better than the pain I guess, and our minds look for the easy opinion.

Sorry about the length (again), but what’s your opinions?

Thanks again

She was straight up, and you should have gotten closure, and can go back to no contact, and heal, and move on.

Realize this bit of contact, will have your mind wandering for a while, but you can deal with it. Time to turn the page, on this chapter of your life.

Your right, it did have me wondering for a while, so much so that I text her a day later with "i miss you". Big mistake. She has since turned cold again. And I feel like I've taken 3 steps backwards. I think she just melts a little when she sees me or talks tyo me. I believe she "trying" to not allow this to happen. She says I confuse her?? She thinks its not right, and she's deliberatey moving herslef away from me. Ive told her to change her mobile so I have no urge to carry this on.

This is so painful again. I think NC is only oing to allow her to move on herself. Like we all heal, maybe one can heal themselves, eeven if deep down they don't want to.

Life is crazy. It's hard to imagine never being with her again.

Take this to heart, as coping with what life throws at you, is no joke at all. It moves forward with, or without you, so heal, and make an effort to move with it, as there are many things you will have to deal with in your young life. Being stuck now, is to miss what is coming, as we write.