The one I love doesn't feel the same anymore
Hi all, new to this site and to the pain we are and have felt / feeling. With all the support and advice from you and the hope Ash123 comes across this too, would be very much appreciated. So here goes, my story... sorry for the length.
I'm a 39 year old male who's been with his soulmate for going on 7 years. Two weeks ago, she moved out of our flat and back home to her parents, saying she needed time to think, at the time she said to not look at it that's its over. Two day later, she said she didn't feel the same anymore…….
A bit of history….
When we met, we met with baggage. Both of us had pasts and that carried jealousy and insecurity into our relationship. In the early days I was not the best boyfriend due to accusations etc. That nearly cost me then our relationship in its second year, but I realized in time and changed.
My Ex has always been insecure and suffered from depression too, which didn't help. We got back together, but have had rocky times. I know your thinking already, it's doomed, but let me shed more light. Outside of the difficult parts we were very, very loving and close. We felt the same desires, we are very similar people, (both Arians too). We had a strong bond, connection, passion. Our sex life was the best ever, we connected very well and felt a unity when making love beyond anything else either of us had felt before. That part of our lives was probably more prominent than anything else at the time. But what I did was neglect her over the years. I've only realized this over many recent hours soul searching. I took it for granted and thought she would never leave me as I wouldn't her, and I treated her wrong. I was talking to an old female friend in the early days of our relationship, and when that came out I think it started this whole process into the inevitable decline. Other things happened that made her doubt me and she slipped further into insecurity and depression I guess. Although, it was wrong, I must add I wasn't being unfaithful or wanting another, it was more a case of bad management and slefishness.
Just prior to xmas, we stopped having sex. I know realize this was down to me. I have drunk and smoked puff for 5 years everyday, and looking back I'm thinking this has effected me and made me neglect our relationship and affect my personality. So we decided to move into our flat together in Jan of this year to really go for it and try and leave all the distrust behind us and focus on our lives and our plans to have children. To her I now see this was the “deciding” point in her life about if we could do it. I talked to her abruptly, I didn't love her as I should have and I slowly killed the very strong feelings she had for me. She gave me an ultimatum that if I didn't stop smoking and cut down drinking, she would not have kids. I even brushed this aside. I know this is terribly disgusting, and I only see this now, but I strongly believe the drink and drugs have affected my mind and how I behave, almost ignoring glaringly obvious signs. I didn't stop, we grew more distant through no sex, loving, etc. Then through her depression and all this she requested Prozac and starting taking it 3 months before she left. I could then see her changing more. She was getting confident, going out more, drinking more, albeit I would say acting a little wreckless in all honesty. Then she finally had the courage I guess to walk.
So where am I now.
I saw her last Thursday, which was a week after she walked out, which was a real wake up, and we talked. She said the feelings hade gone for her. She doesn't think about me like that anymore. She's not bothered where I am and doesn't miss me like she should. Part of me thinks the Prozac is making this easier too, although I now understand where I went wrong. Then I started trawling the web for answers, and came across this site. I've tried the NC, and as of today, I know I really need to go for it. But it's so hard, so hard. I imagine her with another person, not now, but in the future. Being intimate like we once were, and it rips me up. I can't believe she can feel the way she does, although I can see now why she would. I'm in and out of optimism, but its slowly disappearing, but the pain does not. I guess I'm at the acceptance stage. I never thought we would ever be apart. I have immediately stopped smoking and working on the drink. PArtly because of what I now know and need to change, and partly in hope she will love me again?
If I'm aware now of what caused this decline, and truly could change, do you think in time she will ever find that feeling again? Is it possible to regain what's lost, or have things gone too far? Do women ever regret or change how they feel?
Does NC really help, or I it just a vehicle to assist you moving on? She said to me, that's whilst she's not making promises, that we need to give it time and who will know what happens. Part of me yearns for her back and the other half thinks she's just being “kind” in order for me to move on.
Any opinions on my situation would be appreciated