Ask Me Help Desk - Dealing with a painful break up.

I was off and on with this guy for 5 and a half years. For the last 3, we lived together. We were engaged. We had our ups and downs. Suffered with infertility, were away from each other for months due to a family emergency, and a few other things. He yelled at me a lot when we argued; that is mostly what I remember not liking. And, my heart has always been with my family and in the south. I rarely got to see them while living up north.

On May 7th, I packed up my stuff and drove 14 hours to move back home. I thought it was what I wanted. I was SURE it was.

I didn't contact him at all for the first month. It was easy. I talked to other guys, hung out with friends, life was good. Now we're into July, and I don't think I can go one more day without him. I literally feel like I'm dying sometimes.

I know, that sounds crazy.. and I realize and accept that. I'm only 21. I'm enrolled for the fall semester to go back to school. I have a bright future ahead of me and a supportive family. I can look at the situation from the outside and see the world is at my fingertips.

But.

I can't help but want to pack my SUV back up and move back in with him. I spend every few hours crying my eyes out. Same story as many people here, I'm sure.

I've called him. He ignored me for a while and answered a few times. We text every now and then, rarely. I wrote him a huge e-mail and he wrote me one back. He basically said he loves me and misses me, but we're on different paths now. And that just because you love someone, that doesn't mean that person brings out the best in you. He hasn't replied to my last email or answered any texts/calls. So, I guess he's pretty much done with me forever :(

I just can't even breathe sometimes. I know it's been said before, but I really don't think anyone will ever love me the way he did or that I can love someone like I loved him.

Every.single.thing. Reminds me of him. I'm sure it's because almost all of my memories since I was 15 involve him.

I just need reassurance that this will somehow get easier. That maybe I will actually love someone again or that someone could possibly love me. I'm sorry for whining and crying, but I just have no one to turn to.

I spent the day painting, hoping to release some of my emotions.. because I knew the night time insomnia and tears were coming. But, it didn't help. Sigh. :(

Everything you want will happen. Absolutely. The fact that you are longing so strongly for a man proves your heart is capable and you should not fret a moment that it will happen again. In fact, it will probably need to happen a few more times to find the keeper.

And keep in mind, falling in like/love is actually pretty easy. Attraction is uncontrolled. It happens on its own because nature designed you that way. There is NOTHING you can do to stop from being attracted to others. It is instinctive, it is unavoidable, it is an irresistible force.

Convinced yet? I hope so, it's all true.

But the real problem for you won't be falling for someone again. That's easy. No, the problem for you is the potentially bad habit you've already developed - you stay with a guy too long, and do silly dangerous stuff to prolong the process when a breakup is inevitable.

Moving in with a guy is all romantic, a lot of people do it, but it completely destroys your objectivity. It should only take about 6-12 months to know a guy truly. Guys don't really change, they are creatures of habit, so that's enough time to see them for who they really are. If you can live with them forever EXACTLY the way they are, nothing ever changes, then go for it.

But if not, just because you like/love them, it has to end if you can't live with who they are in all the important side areas. The people we are attracted to are based on some "type" or opportunistic randomness. The people we are compatible with is a much, MUCH shorter list, and you have to spend less than 5 years each time deciding that, OK?

So, love is on your side. It's already coming again. You just need to be more pragmatic about it when it comes and don't let it take up permanent residence just because it's familiar. It's not a failure to date someone, like them, and break up because you aren't compatible in the end. That's a success. Spending 5 years instead of 1-2... now that's a different measure.

You're going to do fine.

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Every.single.thing. Reminds me of him. I'm sure it's because almost all of my memories since I was 15 involve him.

I'm in agreement with you there as this has taken up all your adult life so far and most of your youth.

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I just need reassurance that this will somehow get easier.

For a while you will be miserable but as you keep working on yourself and focus on your new life, hopes , and dreams, you will get better at coping with your feelings of loss.

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That maybe I will actually love someone again or that someone could possibly love me.

If your true to yourself, not only are you capable of loving someone (as JB said, you have already proved that) someone will share that love with you. Be patient with yourself and do as you want.

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I'm sorry for whining and crying, but I just have no one to turn to.

With what your going through now, we all understand and feel your pain, your not alone at all.