hello everyone. I've got an issue. I've been in a wonderful relationship with an out of this world girl for just over 2 years now. About 4 months ago I lost my job and things started to get rocky between us. I don't think it was about the money thing because a few days later she got a good paying job.
OK now here's where the water gets a little murky for me. She was in a bad reationship with a manic depressive bi polar for about 7 years, four of those married. But finally in 03 she ditched him. So for the next cople of years she was dating around having fun being single. Then she met me. She did tell me at the start she was not looking for anything serious. But that's not how things turned out. She was the first to say the L word. And for the next year and 8 months things are wonderful, no probs, no waves of any kind. Then all of a sudden I get fired from work, and she gets a really good job. Then all of a sudden she's not sure what she wants. She starts to slowly drift away from me, she won't answer my calls, the only way I could get to hear her voice is if she called me. Then all the fights started happening. We live a town apart so we don't get to see each other everyday and that might be part of the problem. But anyway we have been fighting a lot but they mostly were over petty so it wasn't a huge deal.
then BAM. She drops a bomb on me by telling me that she cheated on me with an ex fling. And I know it might make me sound like a chump but I feel like I understand why. She's scared of real commitment. Scared that the past is going to repeat itself. So we take a month break. No calls no text no myspace. But that didn't last. We were talking every couple of days. Then one day she calls me and tells me that she had sex with someone who made her do things she didn't want to do. So I'm freaking out, she won't tell me his name or anything. So of course she comes to my house, cries and tells me how much she loves me and can't live without me. And we work things out.
that was about two months ago. And ever since then things have been an emotional nightmare for me. She can't make up her mind whether she can continue with this relationship. Our phone calls mostly consist of her saying she wants break up and me convincing her that she doesn't because it won't fix anything or make anything better for either of us. I love so much but its taking a toll on me. Then a couple of sundays ago she comes over and does it. She "breaks up" with me. And I'm a mess over it for about an hour and a half, then she calls me and tells me she didn't mean it and she was sorry. So the next day I wake up to her crawling into bed with me. So we have great sex, profess our love to each other and all that fun gushy relationship stuff. And thing are fine for about 2 days and its right back to the same it was before.
last Saturday we talk on the phone and she starts telling me she feels bad for all the she's been putting me through, and that she's been avoiding seeing me. So we decide to take another break. This time two weeks. This time its going to be the decition weeks, when she decides to stay the coarse and maintain or break it off and go our seperet ways. Its been one week exactly today. Its been hard, I miss her. A lot. But she did something on Monday that threw me for a loop. She erased me off her myspace page, but not just me, but me and all of my friends then posts a blog titled today is a new day. But I can't read it because I'm no longer a friend on her list. That makes me feel like she's trying to phase me out of her life. I know some of you out there think its silly of me to read into something like that but isn't myspace a direct reflection of how you feel?
OK here's more to stack on the pile but this time its my bad move. Thursday night I go out to a bar with a couple of buddies and end up striking a conversation up with some random girl. And we flirt all night but towards the end of said night we start dancing. And not just dancing but really grinding and doing stuff that would make most people blush. And in my head I'm thinking this is such a release of pent up energy and frustration towards my lover and for how much she's dragged me through the mud. So it was closing time for the bar and I'm tossed and she's not as tossed as I was but almost. Then she grabs my face in the parking lot and starts furiosly making out with me and we end up going somewhere and ing. And now I don't know how to feel about it, on one hand I feel horrible because I had sex with someone else regardless of the fact that were on a break. Then on the other hand I can't help but feel like she pushed me away so much it was bound to happen.
I was not looking for it, I was drunk and got kind of taken advantadge of. But who am I kidding. All I know is that I regretted it right away and still do. I know it was wrong of me but goddammit man cannot live on heartbreak alone. I have needs to. Don't I deserve to have fun and not feel misirable all day? I still love my grilfreind even after all the negetive we have been going through lately. So much. I sincierly don't want things to end but I get the feeling its going to go down that way.
so in closing what do you guys out there feel about this whole in thing. How should I feel you think? Was it a horrible thing I did? Have I been going about this all wrong? Tell me how you feel. Please.
