Ask Me Help Desk - Adult children

My daughter has been seeing a man for several years now. She has broken up with him twice. The last time was in March 07. They were together for a month and in that month she lost her job bought two cars in her name and was harassed with broken windshields and phone calls by not only him but his family. He recently got out of jail for stealing. He was in there for six months. He had another girlfriend while in there and they were engaged to be married. After he got out he broke up with her. He found my daughter again on MySpace and started to edge his was back into her life.

For the past week she has been out with him every night until 3-4 in the morning. She is 21 and works a full time job. She has been at this job for a year and is in line for management. She has gotten a new car, credit has been corrected, and she is a much stronger person now. He is 25 just out of jail no job living God knows where. He is just looking for a meal ticket and knows she loves him and will be there for him.

I'm afraid for her safety. He threatened to kill her last year after she broke up with him. We took him to court and he was found guilty. She tried to commit suicide while she was with him last year. I don't know what to do. I have a son who is 15. I have to set an example for him. Also I'm not getting any sleep with her being out all night. She is not into drugs or drinking. She just has an addiction to him.

What are my options. Should I set a curfew and if she doesn't adhere to it tell her she has a certain amount of time to move out? Also should I tell her she can't come back? Her dad's family are tired of being used. My family tells me not to push her.

Thanks for the input

This has got to be hard on you. At 21, you really can't enforce a curfew, but you can set the rules for her to have the luxury to live under your roof. Does she have other friends that you could perhaps talk to, that could influence her bad choices?

This guy sounds like bad news no matter how you look at it. He has served time, he doesn't have a place to live, he has no job! I wonder what your daughter could possibly see as any redeeming qualties in this boy/man.

It don't see any other choice for you, but to tell her you are afraid for her life and her future! I don't know your daughter, but do you think she would agree to some counselling? Maybe if she talks to a third party, she would get some insight into how she is going to make her life very hard by staying with this guy.

The way it sounds to me... she has a self esteem problem, and THINKS she needs this loser. This is just not good at all. She has tried to commit suicide because of him, and he has threatened to kill her. He's is obviously a control freak too!

I would try your best to convince her to see a professional, to talk about her issues of self pride, self worth, and self esteem. You might also try calling the police, and tell them that you are afraid for her life, and tell them that he has a prior record of this nature.

It is sad to say, but if all else fails, I don't see what else you can do except talk to her and try and make her understand that she is going down a path of destruction.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope there is a happy ending to this!

Have you asked her why she is seeing him again when he most likely hasn't changed at all.
Does she give any explanation why she sees him like she thinks he will change, he is treating her better, or she is afraid of him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by tepperly

My daughter has been seeing a man for several years now...I'm afraid for her safety. He threatened to kill her last year after she broke up with him. We took him to court and he was found guilty. She tried to commit suicide while she was with him last year. I don't know what to do. I have a son who is 15. I have to set an example for him. Also I'm not getting any sleep with her being out all night. She is not into drugs or drinking. She just has an addiction to him...What are my options. Should I set a curfew and if she doesn't adhere to it tell her she has a certain amount of time to move out? Also should I tell her she can't come back? Her dad's family are tired of being used. My family tells me not to push her. Thanks for the input

Welcome to AMHD; very sorry for your problems with this adult child. Since all children are different, it is difficult to find the perfect answer, but we should at least try. "Ultimately, having an adult child in the house means you are going to have to establish some kind of pecking order. You want to work toward mutual respect, but in the end, it is your wishes and those of your spouse that must be respected." See more: When Your Adult Child Lives at Home - FamilyEducation.com

Thanks starbuck8 I contacted an abuse hotline and spoke to someone about this. They advised me to let it go and just not bring it up. If she wants to talk about him just listen. Also you were right about her needing counseling. I am going to give her the hotline number and treat her as an adult and do a lot of praying.

Thanks for the input

Quote:

Originally Posted by tepperly

Thanks starbuck8 I contacted an abuse hotline and spoke to someone about this. They advised me to let it go and just not bring it up. If she wants to talk about him just listen. Also you were right about her needing counseling. I am going to give her the hotline number and treat her as an adult and do a lot of praying.

Thanks for the input

I am so very happy that something I said helped you out! There were a lot of people that gave very good advice here, so I definitely cannot take all of the credit for that. All of the people here try and work as a team to give you the best advice we can! It really feels good when something we say gives you a little help and comfort. I really appreciate the "Thanks". :)

All of the members here help me too, with the questions they ask, and my questions that I ask that get answered. It is always nice to get a "high five" from someone. It brightens my day. They make you realise that other people out there have things to deal with, that may just be more important than what is going on in my own world at that moment. Please keep us updated, and know I will be wishing the best for you and your daughter also! Godspeed! :)

Answer to Tepperly: buy her 2 books called: Men Who Can't Love. By Julia Sokol and Steven Carter and What Smart Women Know by the same authors. Engage someone else to pass the books on to her. She won't take them from you. It is not the question that she loves the guy, but that most probably, she hates you more and wants to hurt you. Cutting her nose to spite her face. Western psychologists are parents bashers, especially mothers. There are some bad apples amongst parents, so they assume all mothers are bad. The attacks are mostly on mothers. We are blamed for everything. Even for the type of music we listened to while pregnant: Vivaldi good, Bethoven and rock music bad. We don't know how our children will turn out, until they turn out.