Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend just found out girl he slept w/is 7 months pregnant

My boyfriend and I have been off an on for 12 years. We finally grew up and decided that we were ready to be together. Four months later he gets a call from a girl he used to mess with that she is 7MONTHS PREGNANT. They never dated only fooled around. He stopped messing with her because she started to pressure him into a relationship that he didn't want with her. He doesn't know if the baby is his but he and I both know there is a good possibility. She said she was scared to ell him that's why she waited so long but wasn't afraid to ask him after he told her he had a girlfriend would he consider being with her to raise the child together. He has said that if the child is his then he would have to leave me to be with her so a child could be raised by both parents. He has since changed his mind and said it is just not that easy for him to walk away from what we have. A few days after hearing the news he said that he and I would stick this out because he wants to be with me. And as if she has snooping ears, she tells someone that he knows that if he chooses not to be with her she will move back to her hometown and take the child and not let him see the child. He finally called her to talk and she gave the same lame story of why she waited so long to tell him(she was scared) and why she made the comment of leaving(only a little of it was about wanting to be with him, but mainly she is thinking of the child). I need help with this, do I stick by and wait until he gets the paternity test which should be in two months or walk away now. I love him and know he loves me, we have worked our behinds off to be together. But he won't stand up to this girl and tell her he doesn't want to be with her.

I would say the decision should be left up to him. Stick with him. He has made it clear that he has too much with you to walk away so take him at his word until he does otherwise.
After the baby is born he needs to request proof of paternity testing before he signs a single thing.
If it is his he can file for joint custody/visitations.

Also often couples stick together for the sake of the children and often it is the worst thing they can do for the child.

This girl sounds like my boyfriend's EX - she pressured him into a relationship that he didn't really want, then stopped taking her BC to get pregnant on purpose (which she HAS admitted to him) all so that he would stay with her and they would live as a happy little family for the rest of their lives. Then reality set in... they had the child and tried to make it work, but she would "move out" every other weekend saying she didn't love him anymore, yet when he wouldn't call to beg her to come back, she would just show up and the cycle repeated itself until he finally left her for good.

Now - the EX is nuts and tries to use his child against him (his son will be 2 at the end of this month, he and I have been together for a little over a year). Some months are great with no drama and others are FILLED with threatening e-mails/phone calls saying he can't see his son unless it's on her terms, etc. He actually received an e-mail from her the other day asking if he would sign his rights to his son away (of course, he said NO and there is no way to legally make him do that).

My point - this girl sounds similar to my boyfriend's EX. Although she may not end up acting like my boyfriend's EX, she may begin to behave that way once she realizes that she can NOT have him back. Just be prepared for baby mama drama. ALSO, wait until the paternity test comes back to make any decision. IF the baby is his, he needs to immediately hire a lawyer if he wants to have visitation rights, but he will have to pay child support, which in most states is a completely different hearing than custody court.

If my boyfriend could go back and change the past he would have hired a lawyer from the beginning instead of waiting until now when his EX is threatening not to let him see his son. I know it may end up being expensive, but if it IS his child, then things will be settled from the beginning and there will be no need for this girl to make up excuses to call/see your boyfriend unless it pertains to the child.

I hope this helps, and hopefully this girl isn't nearly as crazy as my boyfriend's EX... but then again, she didn't go nuts until she realized he was never coming back to her. I really don't mean to scare you with the possibility of drama in your life, but you should stick by your man and it will make your relationship stronger. Being with someone just because you have a child together does not mean that the relationship will work, and it does not mean that the child will have a better life. If both of the parents are civil with each other, and can get along when it comes to the child, the kid will grow up knowing that it's okay if your mom and dad aren't together. It doesn't mean the child will automatically have a bad life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I would say the decision should be left up to him. Stick with him. He has made it clear that he has too much with you to walk away so take him at his word until he does otherwise.
After the baby is born he needs to request proof of paternity testing before he signs a single thing.
If it is his he can file for joint custody/visitations.

Also often couples stick together for the sake of the children and often it is the worst thing they can do for the child.

Thanks I know it will eventually have to be his decisions but the anger he fells for what she is doing is then turned towards me. He tell me that I am adding to stress, but when he is stressed, I am stressed and then I know I can irritate and stress But I will and am making an effort to put up with because I know he doesn't mean to. He also doesn't want to be put in the system. He feels that she is the mother and she can do whatever she wants, says he doesn't want any trouble since she is acting ignorant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by djbowens

This girl sounds like my boyfriend's EX - she pressured him into a relationship that he didn't really want, then stopped taking her BC to get pregnant on purpose (which she HAS admitted to him) all so that he would stay with her and they would live as a happy little family for the rest of their lives. Then reality set in... they had the child and tried to make it work, but she would "move out" every other weekend saying she didn't love him anymore, yet when he wouldn't call to beg her to come back, she would just show up and the cycle repeated itself until he finally left her for good.

Now - the EX is nuts and tries to use his child against him (his son will be 2 at the end of this month, he and I have been together for a little over a year). Some months are great with no drama and others are FILLED with threatening e-mails/phone calls saying he can"t see his son unless it's on her terms, etc. He actually received an e-mail from her the other day asking if he would sign his rights to his son away (of course, he said NO and there is no way to legally make him do that).

My point - this girl sounds similar to my boyfriend's EX. Although she may not end up acting like my boyfriend's EX, she may begin to behave that way once she realizes that she can NOT have him back. Just be prepared for baby mama drama. ALSO, wait until the paternity test comes back to make any decision. IF the baby is his, he needs to immediately hire a lawyer if he wants to have visitation rights, but he will have to pay child support, which in most states is a completely different hearing than custody court.

If my boyfriend could go back and change the past he would have hired a lawyer from the beginning instead of waiting until now when his EX is threatening not to let him see his son. I know it may end up being expensive, but if it IS his child, then things will be settled from the beginning and there will be no need for this girl to make up excuses to call/see your boyfriend unless it pertains to the child.

I hope this helps, and hopefully this girl isn't nearly as crazy as my boyfriend's EX... but then again, she didn't go nuts until she realized he was never coming back to her. I really don't mean to scare you with the possibility of drama in your life, but you should stick by your man and it will make your relationship stronger. Being with someone just because you have a child together does not mean that the relationship will work, and it does not mean that the child will have a better life. If both of the parents are civil with each other, and can get along when it comes to the child, the kid will grow up knowing that it's okay if your mom and dad aren't together. It doesn't mean the child will automatically have a bad life.

Oh I know very well what I could be getting myself into , but I have loved this man for 12 years and there isn't anything I wouldn't go through with him. I have thought hard about the big picture in all of this. We do believe that she could do what she has threatened to do but she may be faking to see what he will do. Thanks for the advice, I have never had to deal with anything like this before never had any drama.

Don't add to his stress, then. Tell him you're going to be there at his side supporting him in whatever way he needs. You will be what he needs you to be.

If you can't take that role on that way, then you just wait patiently off the field to see how the game plays out. He's your b/f, but this is his battle to figure out. If he decides to do it alone you'll have to honor that. Right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Dont' add to his stress, then. Tell him you're going to be there at his side supporting him in whatever way he needs. You will be what he needs you to be.

If you can't take that role on that way, then you just wait patiently off the field to see how the game plays out. He's your b/f, but this is his battle to figure out. If he decides to do it alone you'll have to honor that. Right?

I know that's what I am trying to do but it is hard.

He can be a father and a husband to the woman that he prefers at the same time. Ur BF shouldnt have a hard time deciding.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ylaira

He can be a father and a husband to the woman that he prefers at the same time. Ur BF shouldnt have a hard time deciding.

U would think so but he finds it hard to decide. I don't make him to have to decide between me and a child because there is no comparison. I wish he would stand up to this chick

I just think your boyfriend seems a little selfish and inconsiderate to be blunt.

"He has said that if the child is his then he would have to leave me to be with her so a child could be raised by both parents."

This is a BIG red flag to me, any man with an ounce of common sense knows that just because you father a child with a woman doesn't mean the two of you should be in a relationship.
I know that he went back on this statement but the fact that he'd even consider leaving you for her troubles me.

"the anger he fells for what she is doing is then turned towards me. He tell me that i am adding to stress"

Why are you getting blamed for his stress? It seems as if you are being as supportive as possible. He's the one who made some poor decisions (unprotected sex) and now has to live with an unplanned pregnancy. He should be happy that you are sticking around IF he wants to continue with this relationship.

I just think you should look out for number ONE (yourself).
Although there is a lot of history here you are not married and if this is his child, the child will take precedent of the girlfriend (you).
You may have to compromise a lot and depending on the baby mother's attitude he may be put under a lot of stress and from the looks of it you will not be his source of strength and comfort he'll blame you for his stress that she causes! That's not OK!

Really think about what you want.
Are you ready to be a step mom (assuming your relationship progresses to the next level)?. Are you ready to deal with an unending relationship between your man and his former lover?. Are you able to trust that your man will be true to you and himself by not allow this woman to convince him that they should raise the child together although he claims he doesn't want to be with her?

Let's just hope for your sake and his this is not his child...

Back off, its his business and its he that should handle it. I think any man would be hard pressed to stand up to a 7 month pregnant female, especially if he thinks its his.
After all this time together its love and support and leave the rest alone for now, and keep your opinions to yourself, even if he asks.

Update. I know have not spoken to him in several. I guess his is ignoring my phone calls. Now what do I do I have taken the advice and let things be now I don't what is going on. I am at the point where I am ready to walk away to get back control of my life. I just don't want to lose him again and regret my choice. NEED HELP. THANKS FOR THE HELP.

Quote:

I am at the point where I am ready to walk away to get back control of my life.

That's what I would do. Leave people alone, and take care of me, and find out what I want. You deserve some time to yourself, to find out what makes you happy, and not what makes others happy, since everyone, especially him, seems to be making themselves happy at your expense. Agree??

You deserve some time to yourself, to find out what makes you happy, and not what makes others happy, since everyone, especially him, seems to be making themselves happy at your expense. Agree?? [/QUOTE]
YEAH I AGREE THANKS.