I am 61 my mother has always been very critical of me but as she is getting older (85) she seems to find me unbearable, she criticizes by withdrawal and total lack of interexst in how I look ,what I say , what I do, she is very grumpy and rude and tries to make me look stupid in company, and tries to draw me and my friends into arguments which spoils any social occasion especially family get togethers. I have tried many ways to get a better relationship with her but the problem seems to be getting worse. It makes me very sad I would like us to have a better relationship with her in the short time we have left. I aqm quite a gentle person with a good social life a loving family and lots of friends I have tried to discuss this with her but she also turns this into an argument. Mum lives a long way from me we visit each other and these times ar very difficult most of the time we cannot converse, she begins each visit with a critism about my weight , or hair ,or looks which wrong foots me from the start. I try to compliment her or joke the comments away but she is not happy until she has upset me then she seems very happy. She then tries to buy me off but I don't let her. Any ideas how to help with this please.

Often when people feel miserable they will project it onto who they are closest to.
When she tries to make you look stupid say "Now mom you know that isn't the way it was"
When she criticizes your looks tell her something "yeah mom I know that" or something that shows she is not letting her upset you. Back in the day many people looked at things like getting older was a license to speak your mind no matter how wrong it is.
As long as she sees it is having any effect she will continue so you have to find ways to let it go in one ear and out the other and nip it in the bud in a way that isn't going to start problems. Maybe you should have a family meeting without mom and discuss how you don't want things she says to end up having a negative effect and possibly end up ruining your relationships so you want to figure a strategy for not falling into her little traps when you have get togethers.

Understanding, and empathy, may help you enjoy the visits and not take her criticism to heart. As much as you hate the idea, that could be you tomorrow.

My own elderly mother told me something years ago, just listen and be respectful, and when you leave, you can do as you please, which I apply today.
Try not to be so sensitive, around older folks, as they have a knack for saying ANYTHING. Enjoy them while they are here.

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Originally Posted by daughtertoots

I am 61 my mother has always been very critical of me but as she is getting older (85) she seems to find me unbearable, she criticizes by withdrawal and total lack of interexst in how I look ,what I say , what I do, she is very grumpy and rude and tries to make me look stupid in company, and trys to draw me and my friends into arguments which spoils any social occasion especially family get togethers. I have tried many ways to get a better relationship with her but the problem seems to be getting worse. It makes me very sad I would like us to have a better relationship with her in the short time we have left. I aqm quite a gentle person with a good social life a loving family and lots of friends i have tried to discuss this with her but she also turns this into an argument. Mum lives a long way from me we visit each other and these times ar very difficult most of the time we cannot converse, she begins each visit with a critism about my weight , or hair ,or looks which wrong foots me from the start. I try to compliment her or joke the comments away but she is not happy untill she has upset me then she seems very happy. she then trys to buy me off but i dont let her. any ideas how to help with this please.

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These, my dear are the main keys, in my opinion. You probably tried your best all your life to do anything to please her and get a positive reaction from her and never got it.

Some mother's, for whatever reason, will never approve of anything you do because it's not in their nature to accept and love you for who and what you are. It took me many many years to realize and accept that because I had a mother that was like that and worse - she beat me too. Sometimes it's not their fault - they just never learned better or received any love themselves, but nevertheless - we will never change them.

So, instead of taking YOUR last good years trying to mend something that you have no power over, accept it, stay away from her and concentrate on your own family and happiness... YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT.. and nobody has the right to take that away from you. Love yourself as you are, what you've achieved in life and embrace those that show you more appreciation as a human being deservant of love.

Life is not always what we wish it to be, but I sincerely hope that you find you 'little place' for self-respect and acceptance, surrounded with the warmth and love you deserve.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Remember - you are somebody! So, please don't let it bother you your whole life.

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