Ask Me Help Desk - Heartbroken Mother

I have fallen out with my son big time. We have never fallen out before but since he has been with his new partner he has become a different person. He was a very loving son and we always had a very loving relationship. He is 33yr old and has told me that his greatest joy in life will be the joy of never seeing me again. He has said the most awful things to his dad and me and we are devastated - his is a completely different person. We have always been there for him, always adored him and cannot believe that he has turned on us this way. Yes, we had a row but the punishment is more than outways the crime - so to speak. My husband is very angry and does not understand why I'm not - I just want him back and cry all the time. He has been married and divorced from his first wife whom I got on with, and still do, really well. This has been a bone of contention with his partner because she is insanely jealous of his x. After begging, sending him text messages, emailing him and calling at his house to the point of humiliating myself he will not budge, I have stopped on the advise of my family and friends who think his behavior is despicable.

A heartbroken mother

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes, but have seen this happen to the daughter of one of my clients and everything matches except he is much younger and absolutely besotted with the girl he is living with to the point where she calls the shots and I imagine that is why he is estranged from his mother who is heartbroken too.

I can only hope he sees the light in time to make amends with you. I sincerely hope his love for you is buried deep inside not to be forgotten at the crucial moment. God bless.

I wish you the best, I can somewhat relate, from the time our son (now age 40) married he started changing towards me and my husband. I feel he is extremely afraid of his wife and has done everything in life to please her, giving us up was a piece of cake compared to the fear he has of her. He had nothing at all to do with our daughter after he married. At one time we were a happy family, it might sound a bit heartless but we are once again a happy family because we moved on this year, after all this time we decided it was time for us to quit wishing for something that would never be. Our son fabricated a terrible childhood, with no memories of Christmas gifts he received, he shared with his own children how he only got an orange for Christmas, although we have pictures of him opening gift, setting on a new bike, etc His own child don't believe his stories. He enjoyed vacations we would take, but later shared with his family how we spent his inheritance by going on vacations. We have been accused of almost everything even up until a year ago. He would ignore us at social events, which was very embarrassing to us.
After years of trying to have a relationship we have quit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isobel110

I have fallen out with my son big time. We have never fallen out before but since he has been with his new partner he has become a different person... After begging, sending him text messages, emailing him and calling at his house to the point of humiliating myself he will not budge, I have stopped on the advise of my family and friends who think his behavior is despicable. A heartbroken mother

Sorry for your pain. Give your son lots of space; I agree, no texts, emails, calling. Give them lots of time and be patient; have you tried family counseling?

Sorry for it, but chasing and bothering him about it, will only make it worst. While it is possible that it can take years, he most likely will come back around over time.

Also I am sure there is a lot about what the fighting was about. At times you have to let them live their own life

I am a daughter who is in the position of your son.

In my situation, it was an argument the sparked estrangement, but it was about 20 years that led up to it. By the time my parents and I had our blow out, I was 40 years old, and there was a long history of avoidance, bad communication, and built up unresolved conflict.

Try not to blame it on the new partner, it has nothing to do with it. People let go when they finally feel strong enough to as they don't have the strength when they are alone. For me, I needed this space (ironically out of respect for my parents.) They are toxic to me, and me to them, and I needed to have years of therapy and alanon to work on our issues. It would have been great if my parents would have wanted to have family therapy and own their responsibility in what created this dynamic but that is not their style.

My advice, just drop a note every now and then, and just say "just thinking of you, hope you are well." Don't play the victim role. Don't emotionally blackmail. Get introspective and see if you and your husband contributed to the scenario, even if it was several unresolved events years ago. If so, own up, say you are sorry, and I bet you will get an "I'm sorry too."