Well I'm shocked to see more men asking questions than women, glad to see I'm still part of the norm. My situation has mostly concerned with its path or course than the smaller failures that seem to plague us mostly. So I'll be as brief in my descriptions as I can.

I have found what is in my mind the perfect woman. She became a very good friend with an incredible amount of common interests and personality traits. Both of us, like others have had our failed past's. She asked to be the center of my world, I've gone to the extent to not fail her. She means everything to me and because of it I'm uncontrollably pushing her away. How you may ask is this possible? I give her everything she wants in a man. I have her complete trust, she knows she can rely on me for anything. She also knows my intent to commitment is true, and I'm completely faithful. However, I am divorced with three children. She's 12 yrs younger than myself. And I constantly find myself doing what I should by listening to her needs, but I find myself trying to solve her problems rather than let her experience them for herself. I am in essence stealing her independence and youth right from under her without intentionally trying to do so. Among the factors of somewhat being blessed with being considered overly emotional at times, I'm a rock in any family situation. But she finds me to be overstated at times.
We been together for over a year. With very little problems. Now I want to take our relationship to another level of commitment by planning out common goals between the two of us. I know she has to be her own individual as well as I, but when I want to work things out to understand the relationship better and increase communication and strength within the relationship. I get told I'm being too emotional and pushing her to make life decisions she's not prepared to make. But over the two years we've known each other nearly. We have spoken of futures together, moving in with one another, even marriage. She adores my children which I so appreciate of her cause she's not one for children.

She's the best thing in my life on several levels. I care for her so much and she know this. We both openly admit to loving each other, but I'm pushing her away because I can't seem to get a grip on some emotions. There's never been a real trust issue, we're both very stringent on being faithful to one another. And we both have growing to do both on our own parts, and with each other. Knowing each other better to trust each other and rely on each other brings strength in commitment. I fear putting the relationship under much un-needed stress and losing her.

Maturity is learned from what you won and lost and I apologize to say u dont sound prepared. Relax...and yes ur tryin to hard like ur name. Relax. If she wants you, she wants you.Relax

Maturity in demeanor I seem to have, along with some wisdom. I think emotional maturity I am lacking admittingly. I believe that to be stemming from other things more though.

And could you define your approach as to being "unprepared"?

I know she wants me, she's told me I'm perfect to her in every way she would expect of a man (to a point, she knows I have flaws). But rather I do all the right things, say the right things. But I AM asking too much of her too soon. I currently am trying to "relax" as you say. But because its not my normal behavior, I find it difficult. But I told her recently that I will do it to relieve the tensions.

Girls are natural imaginers. It makes sense to them to think about things in depth without needing to change anything automatically.
Guys are natural tinkerers. It makes sense to us to pull something apart and fix it.

Girls want to talk about it.
Guys want to do it.

Girls want to examine the problem.
Guys want to solve the problem.

These things aren't going to change. That you already know you want to help your girl is great. That you want to continue to grow your relationship... awesome. That you realize already the importance of being there for her without necessarily protecting her completely from experiencing her events is all very good, in my opinion.

Based on the little you've shared, I don't see the basis for fearing you are going to push her away. You seem to be fully aware of your ability to over-involve yourself and are already working to keep it in check. What more can you ask?

I listen to my wife go on for an hour about an issue she has without offering advice, then ask her if she needs any input from me. She laughs because she knows... BOY DO I HAVE INPUT TO OFFER! Hehee. But it's not always needed, we both know it, she just needs me to let her "vent" and I am pleased to offer her that.

So, when in doubt, just ask your girl what she needs from you. Don't interpret what she answers, just believe exactly what she says and try to honor that. I think you're doing fine right now.

[QUOTE=Tryn2hard]And could you define your approach as to being "unprepared"?
QUOTE]


Before considering marriage make sure ur both matured enough to communicate well, understand the nature of women specially ur partner. In real life, its not true that love conquers all. I couldnt say anything more, JB said explained it all.

Most importantly, u should both own ur issues and childhood hang ups

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She asked to be the center of my world

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It sounds as if you know each other well, but maybe pushing for more at this time may not be wise so temper the relationship with patience and most of all, more balance. Give each other breathing space, and slowdown and enjoy more instead of the long term plans, they will come. Hard to push someone who is having a great time away, so relax a little.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

It sounds as if you know each other well, but maybe pushing for more at this time may not be wise so temper the relationship with patience and most of all, more balance. Give each other breathing space, and slowdown and enjoy more instead of the long term plans, they will come. Hard to push someone who is having a great time away, so relax a little.

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And after getting a little more input on her feelings this is what I believe her to be conveying to me. She undoubtfully enjoys our time well spent with each other. Our relationship started and has grown based upon mental stimulation and personality even though she is a very beautiful person physically and internally. I obviously care for her very much and the best thing about our relationship so far has been that when things do get heated between us, even if we walk away for the moment or even a day. We both consistently find it in ourselves to make conscious efforts to work it out. The odd thing is, I tend to show her all the things that emotionally move me, where she's quite a bit more reserved. It's a compromise at times but the efforts have been worth it. 85-90% we are so into each other and nothing seems better, and we enjoy it so much. But when it goes south, Its Texas chili style, and it gets hot around the collars quick.

Reason why I have posted is because the assent of our relationship has brought us to a new realm. The thought of us moving in together has been the topic. But of course, I was married 15 yrs in a previous relationship. So I been through most stuff already once. So I tend to over analyze things, and plan out a course of action to navigate the situation. The typical guy, I problem solve well. Blame a high I.Q. for that, (no an I.Q. has little to do with intelligence, rather more with problem solving skills). I don't mean to do it as an annoyance factor to her, but I seem to try and plan too much and think to detailed.

I.E. I was trying to plan our newer residency close to her college needs and lifestyle desires. And i was willing to take back seat for work distance since i dont mind driving or the drive itself. but i was balancing that out with visitation of my children i have from my previous relationship as well.

I don't necessarily have to be exactly correct in my assumptions, but I like to be mostly accurate, and have at least some type of alternative plan or way out of situations. Again, over thinker, probably like I'm doing to this thread, but I like the answers and conversation I'm receiving. I find it interesting that other peoples input may change my perspective that if not for the better at least, broader in use to help myself.

Thank you all so far...

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So i tend to over analyze things, and plan out a course of action to navigate the situation. The typical guy, i problem solve well

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LOL, me too, as my wife has changed the plan, so fast who can think any more, just go with the flow, and learned the value of "yes dear". Also once upon a time, she told me to shut up, she doesn't need my two cents, just listen, and look cute while she vents. So back up on the problem solving, and listen closely and no comments please. That's hard for a well meaning man.

I've probably learned more by paying attention, and just listening, than I have from asking questions.

Well between reading more about other relationships, seemingly... "hey im not the first one of my kind, i'll be damned...lol"

I have been trying better to slow things down to a crawl with the serious talks. I concentrate more so on listening like I always have, and more time entertaining her thoughts and needs at this point. And I' am all to well familiar with the "yes-dear" "anything i can do hun" among others. I have only one heart I plan on keeping happy besides my own and that is hers. And trust me I put up with the usual ridicule from buddies and friends. But none of them have a girl like mine either, I know we all say that but she's so amazing and good to me. I don't want to mess this relationship up.

I do anything for her, sometimes even the simplest of whims just to make her smile or giggle. Especially when she's got a lot on her plate as far as stress. I've ate crow without gravy mind you on several occasions cause I remember what my life was like without her. I don't want to relive that, and the disagreement wasn't worth the grief. She knows my hearts in the right place, she's said so. She knows I'd be faithful and she can rely on me. But I guess I just need to stop acting like I have to protect her from everything without experiencing it first herself. But I'd soak my feet in kerosene and light them on fire just to walk across broken glass for her.

You have a plus for you.. you see your shortcomings and as long as you let her see that you are trying to work on them, I don't forsee a problem. Take it one day at a time and don't pressure her into making any futue plans yet - let her signal when she's ready to get into deeper water. Until then, just enjoy the edge of the pool and have fun splashing each other. She does not sound like a clinger, so you need to keep your need to plan ahead a little reserved. Otherwise, enjoy quality time together and just enjoy life. Not all are as lucky as you are.

It might sound hard, but maybe even tickets to a favorite movie with a friend might pleasantly surprise her. Or, something that just 'girls' do a few times a month - that way she can tell you about it and also have time to miss you even more.

Keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

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Originally Posted by Chery

You have a plus for you.. you see your shortcomings and as long as you let her see that you are trying to work on them, I don't forsee a problem. Take it one day at a time and don't pressure her into making any futue plans yet - let her signal when she's ready to get into deeper water. Until then, just enjoy the edge of the pool and have fun splashing each other. She does not sound like a clinger, so you need to keep your need to plan ahead a little reserved. Otherwise, enjoy quality time together and just enjoy life. Not all are as lucky as you are.

It might sound hard, but maybe even tickets to a favorite movie with a friend might pleasantly surprise her. Or, something that just 'girls' do a few times a month - that way she can tell you about it and also have time to miss you even more.

Keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

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Well the ironic thing for me is what was expected in one relationship is DEF not what's needed in the new. My "X" was independent in mind set but always depended on me in the end scheme of things. She literally became the ball and chain eventually.
The woman I share my heart so much for now is months def not like any woman I've dated in the past. She is by far by my standards, uninhibited, self confident without being high maintenance, and has the personality of the girl next door type. She is the new age of dating for me and I would be a liar if I said the constant attention and energy she provides weren't a huge stimulation in itself.
But as you say, I do see my mistakes being made. I only am too happy she continues to let me improve myself rather than finger-point and storm off on a tangent. I guess becoming good friends before the relationship turned to a dating one was the best thing ever for us.

And No, she's not a clinger, but she sees something she wants, she's aggressive enough to gain or achieve it. And I have always been truthful and honest through our relationship. She knows I'm the real deal and anything she needs or wants I will work with or for her to obtain it. Her only complaint, (verbally) is that she does find me to be "overly emotional". Which oddly enough, I find talking things out and or sharing feelings was good. I couldn't do it with my "X", yet I can't seem to shut up enough about it with the New girl. Anyone have some general rules to apply to help with that or is that more of just a self control thing? Ugh THAT seems to be my only downfall with my lady. So far... She hasn't asked for the remote yet... LOL

Man Rule- The remote is mine, get your own

Knowing when not to talk or ask questions, is truly a gift. Paying attention often gives me keys to her feelings, or if she may not be as receptive to my questions, but I learned one thing a long time ago, there is no hurry, and any plan can change. You want to see flexible, come to my house. That doesn't mean don't express yourself, but be aware of how you express yourself.

Never get lazy, and always be willing to work together, and paying attention gives you both a lot of freedom and support to make it through life, and that's the bottom line, working together to build what you want in life.