I was wondering if anyone can relate to me. I'm getting married in Sep my fiancé and I have been together a little over three years now. I started planning our wedding about a year ago when we officially announced our engagement. When I first started I was really happy and excited, but now I seriously don't care about my wedding. I feel like a terriable person for even saying that but my God the Mom's are driving me to my grave. My mother has demanded that everything be her way or no way never mind what I want or my fiancés wants. My fiancés mother is almost as bad. Just thinking about my wedding makes me so ANGRY because I feel like the whole meaning of our wedding is lost over stupid planning. This has seriously upset me a lot, my mother has basically made my life and everyone else life around her a nightmare with this wedding. I desperatly need a friend.

Why not elope?

That will solve the problem.

Or, forget the big wedding, gather a few close friends and family, go to your court house/Church and get married, quick and easy, requires very little planning.

Or, don't include either mother in the plans. Tell them unless they pay for it, they have no say! And just plan it, and send them an invitation.

I agree! If the parents aren't making a major financial contribution to the wedding, then they have no right to tell you what to do. This is YOUR wedding, and it should be on your terms. You're an adult. If your mom pouts and says she won't come, just say to her you're sorry she's not going to be there. Be totally honest with both the moms and let them know just how much they're ruining your excitement over the special day.

I just got married myself in January, and I can't imagine anyone dictating the details of my wedding to me. Even close family members and friends were very respectful of our plans. If they hadn't been I would have showed them the door.

Hello BattleAngel14745,

My advice is, this is YOUR wedding not your and your fiancé's parents. Although I can understand and accept that they would want to and need to be involved. Even if the parents are helping financially (big or small), they must realize that this is your day and they should listen to and respect what you and your fiancé want. A lot of parents contribute substantially toward their children's weddings but are still happy to let them decide what they want. The fact that the parents contribute does not give them the right to dictate things.

However, you and your fiancé should sit down quietly together and talk about what the problems are and decide a plan of action to ensure that both your parents get the message that you both want to plan your marriage the way you want.

Let both mothers know that their help is very welcome and you are delighted that they want to help so much, but you want your wedding planned your way and not theirs.

Remind them that for your fiancé and you, this is the most important day of your lives and you need to decide how it should be organized but you are happy and very willing to listen to their advice.

I feel you and your fiancé should be together when you speak to your respective parents about this and show a united front. Let them know how much you love them and appreciate their input but diplomatically make sure they know it is upsetting you greatly and making you dread the wedding because they will not allow you to make the decisions about what you and your fiancé really want.

It might be worth just thinking about and/or discussing with your fiancé the possibility of just slipping away and quietly getting married instead of having a big celebration. Or even planting the seed that you are considering it in your mothers' minds.

It is likely that no matter how diplomatic you and your fiancé are when talking to your mothers', it is likely to upset them, but I feel sure that they will come round and realize that this is your wedding and you should be able to have what you want. Lets face it, they love you and want you both to be happy.

I know it may be easier said than done but getting married is one of the most traumatic things that we do in our lives, so please try not to get yourselves too overly stressed.

I hope this has been of help to you and I wish you both a wonderful day and a very happy marriage.

Cy
(Poseidon)

First IT IS YOUR WEDDING

If you want them running his and your life forever this is where it starts.

Don't tell them any plans, don't ask any advice from them, just plan what you want and be done with it. They are only telling you how since it appears you are allowing them to help plan it.

You tell them the way it is, and if they don't want to come, you will miss them there.

I would say it if it that big of fight, the two of you run off to Vegas, the mountains in TN or somewhere and just get married and come back.

If this is a "big" wedding being planned, you save 1000's of dollars and are just as married

Hi, BattleAngel,
Like you ID, cause now is the time for you to decide what your plan of action is. Weddings are supposed to be for you and your fiance`; but, who is paying for it? If your family, or his, is paying the bill, then they have a say-so in what goes on. It should be pleasant for all, but sure doesn't sound like it.
You have two options:
1. Just calm down, forget about it all, except getting married to the man you love, and have the wedding.
2. Get married by a Just of the Peace, a Magistrate, or someone in a very private setting; not telling your families. These people are in some States, like a Magistrate, that can marry people.
You only have a couple of choices to be married. If planning a wedding upsets you this much, and if it continues to upset you, is it really worth it, to have a big wedding?
Think about it, make a choice based on both you and your fiance`, and go for it! I do wish you the best, and good luck.

So sorry to hear this.

Though our families were not invasive or demanding about the wedding, my wife absolutely abhorred the planning. When the opportunity came to sneak away and get married while on vacation, we took it.

Had a great reception party a few months later that was a hit.

I'm not saying you should do this. But its time to sit the two mothers down together and call the bluff. Would they prefer you 1) have no wedding, 2) elope, or 3) do things your way.

You'll get lots of noise I'm sure about being disrespectful and not caring about their feelings. OK.

Make a united front with your fiancée, stand your ground. Be calm, rational, and polite. I think in cases like this, when the other side is being irrational and has no position of strength, it is always better to let them get mad, loud, and irrational. Let them try to defend a defenseless argument. Keep your cool and hold strong.

If your fiancée is not feeling strong enough to stand up to them but agrees with you, you might need to do the heavy hitting and take the punches. Your mother will likely "forgive" you in time (like there's anything to forgive). Her mother might take a lot more work and time. OK. Just be respectful and polite as best you can.

Best regards.

If you and your fiancé present a united front and politely and honestly express your wishes to the mothers there will be nothing they can do about it but go along or get gone.:cool: :eek:

OH MY GOSH, THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT AND HELP. I want to explain a little bit more about my situation. My fiancé is 23 and he just finished college and I'm 27 and I just recently went back to college. We both work full-time jobs, but with my fiancé just graduating and me in school we don't make much money. We are having a very small intimate wedding only 75 people. In the very beginning because my fiancé and I don't make much money my parents offered to pay a little over half of it and my fiancés parents offered to pay the rest. I started to plan my wedding and what I wanted but because my mom was paying for over half of it she truly believed it's her way or no way. WE GOT INTO A HUGE FIGHT ABOUT THE STUPID MUSIC AT THE WEDDING I SWORE AT MY DAD FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I WAS A TEENAGER. My mom said, "If she wants music at her wedding then she can pay for it herself." This is after I let her pick my wedding dress out, cause I just didn't want to fight with her. I said, "Fine everyone wants music at our wedding so we will pay for the music." Then she makes me feel bad and terrible about it, telling me that no one will dance and no one will be able to hear anything because of the music. Then she tells me that she doesn't remember saying that they would help us pay for our wedding. At the same time I've got my fiancés mom freaking out because we're not having a big huge church catholic wedding. At this point I asked my fiancé if we could get married at the court house. Then for the first time he actually had an opinion about the wedding and he tells me he really would like to have a wedding. So I'm thinking to myself how can I make this work, I decided that everyone would contribute only $2K equally and no one would have to contribute if they didn't want too. Everything seemed to be going okay until everyone except my mom again decided that registering and having the giving tree/wishing well at the wedding would be okay. I'm 27 and I've been on my own since 18 so I've basically established the domesticated things. So we all thought it would be okay to have the giving tree/wishing well. My mom told me that if I decided to do the giving tree/wishing well that her and everyone in her family would not come and hate me for being so disrespectful and out right rude to them. I said, "We'll do what ever you want." I didn't want to fight again and I sure as heck didn't want another "music" situation again. So basically right now we are all doing everything she wants and I'm just dealing with it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BattleAngel14745

My mom told me that if I decided to do the giving tree/wishing well that her and everyone in her family would not come and hate me for being so disrespectful and out right rude to them.

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Hmmm... your mother might make noise, but do you really think she'd not come? And do you really think your family will hate you? You know that's not true.

You and your fiancée need to be a united front and you need to draw some lines and call some bluffs. If they cannot act like adults then you need to decide whether to give in, elope, or put off the wedding until you can afford the expenses and not rely on their controlling the pursestrings.

Guess what? It will all be OK in the end. After the wedding/ ceremony/ whatever it ends up being is over, you'll be married.

Congratulations.

Sorry to hear about all the turmoil, and I was completely on your side until the bit about the music and the "giving tree."

First, there is a big difference in the "wedding" and the "reception." The wedding is when you and your beloved are joined in marriage, hopefully, for ever.

The rest is just a big party.

If everyone is giving you grief, then the two of you can have a tiny courthouse wedding that won't cost any more than the license and two simple rings. Let each set of parents hold a party for you afterward, and they can foot the bill, but also do the planning.

You and your fiancé are adults. You should have the wedding and reception you can afford. If you accept money from your parents and his parents, then they can set conditions on its use. It is rather rude of them, because a gift shouldn't have requirements.

And "wishing wells" and "giving trees" are purely tacky and in poor taste because they imply that a monetary gift is expected. And a gift is *never* expected.

The two of you can always go away and elope. If it upsets the mothers so much just tell them flat-out what you've told us here ; that they were driving you crazy by being so controlling and insisting on everything being "their way or the highway." That ought to teach them a nice little lesson.

I just saw this question... better late than never. Why not just call the wedding off until you and your man can afford everything yourselves? I don't believe that your mother should have to live her fantasy wedding through you. If you guys can wait until you can pay for it she wouldn't have any say so in the matter but could only offer her opinion. Your mom sounds a lot like mine and If you start to stand up to her and make it a habit of showing her that it's your future not her's then chances are she'll back down sooner or later... You might also ask your dad for his opinion on how to handle your mom, after all who knows her better than he does. Sorry if this is too late or doesn't help.

Ask her if her mom planned her wedding, if she did ask if she liked her wedding,if she didn't she might be trying to make up for her wedding! Tell her you want it your way because you're the bride and the bride should always have first choice in her wedding!

I think all you can do is talk to the mothers and ask them to dial back their enthusiasm and let you make some decisions. Pick a few aspects of the planning over which you want final say and ask them to respect your choices. Of course, who's paying for the wedding can make a big difference in how assertive you can be.

Another option is really to just decide to let them plan it, and plan to have a great time!

This thread is 4 years old - posters please take care with dates - I think that this wedding has been well and truly done and dusted by now!