Ask Me Help Desk - I made a huge mistake, I cheated on my girlfriend and I hurt her.

As stated before I messed up horribly. I just graduated from High school but not long before that my girlfriend dumped me after 13 months and 24 days together because she found out I cheated on her 6 months ago. What happened was I dated her for awhile and she was so damn near perfect to me. She was valedictorian at my school and of all guys she decides to like, she liked me (lukiest guy in the world). She was the best thing that happned to me, we were happy and we had fun together, thing is she didn't want to have sex.I was completely OK with that I loved her (still do) and it wasn't a problem for awhile. Until I started having urges and I didn't know what to do with them. She mentioned before if I ever came to her about that she would break up with me. So I went to my ex who is raging hoe, and a poser as a good friend ( I didn't competly get that at the time). When I asked her what I should do she said the ONLY way to get rid of them is to take care of them. I didn't want believe her but I was so close to asking my girlfriend I though I didn't have a choice. So I did with my ex and I didn't enjoy it, I just thought I did what I had to do to keep my relationship. And my ex's best friend decides to tell me she liked me (cuz I liked her b4) and one time we kissed following my ex's advice. I felt so guilty about it I wanted to tell her but I was so afraid she would get hurt I didn't tell her. 6 months of happness later the girl I kissed all of a sudden got a concience and told my girlfriend. She dumped me the next day and the day after that maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but I admitted I cheated on her. I didn't want to hurt her, it was a mistake that didn't happen again, but I'm afraid no matter how many times I tell her that she may never understand that because she's hurt (and she has every right to be).

So of coarse she got hurt and as forgivng as she is, she's not sure if she can forgive me. I feel like the scum of the earth right now. Is been about 3 weeks since this happened and she wants to still be friends (cuz we were like best friens before she decided to like me) but its hard for her. All my friends hate me now and so do her parents. I hate myself for hurting her. I learned a lot, especially that my "urges" were a state of mind that I could have controlled. She loves wrting poetry on Facebook so I found out she missed me still in one of her poems(but on this site I learned she doesn't miss me she misses the good times, and all the people said move on from him an find someone better). I thought she might give me a second chance because it made sense to me, we had such a good relationship and it got ruined because of a mistake, so logically maybe she woud think about it. Until I read another poem which said she can't love me anymore. I don't expect her to forgive me, I'm not looking for it, but I don't know what to do. So now that I'm slowly becoming emo(lol), What do I do, I want to help her but I can't because I'm the reason she's hurt, I want to make it up to her but I think there's no way I can do that. IDK what to do now, I learned my lessons, I don't want to date anymore because I'm told ill screw up worse then this so don't tell me find another girlfriend, Ill never find anyone else like her anyway (brians, beauty, and an inidvidual pesonality all up there). I cut all ties with my ex and her friend (who seriusly set me up). And I feel like scum everyday because I know I hurt someone I love. I apologize a million times when I get the chance to talk to her.

So knowing she may never forgive me and would never take me back. What do I do now, am I suppose to spend the rest of my days feeling like this with no hope of me ever being able to fix this? What ecactly is she going through? And is there anyway I can fix this? And does what I did make me a horrible person or a guy who made a huge mistake? I know this was long and I'm sorry but please I NEED help. (btw ladies out there, feel free to curse me out, I don't know anymore I desreve it).

Lesson 1-Your actions have consequenses

Lesson 2- She gave you fair warning and you did it anyway.

Lesson 3-You let your little head rule your life

Lesson 4-You asked the wrong person for advice

Lesson 5-You were dishonest to your g/f

Lesson 6-You were dishonest with yourself

Lesson 7-Lack of caring for someone besides yourself

Unless you learn these lessons and make changes, you will repeat them again with the same results.

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What do I do now, am I suppose to spend the rest of my days feeling like this with no hope of me ever being able to fix this?

You fix it by learning these life lessons and not repeating them with someone else. Now move on and don't sit on the pity pot dwelling on it.

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What ecactly is she going through? And is there anyway I can fix this?

No, you can't, besides a heartfelt apololgy, and leaving her alone. If you don't know how she feels, think about it by putting yourself in her shoes, and imaging how you would feel if you were done that way, by someone you cared about.

In the long run, she may forgive you, and it may be possible to rectify this, but by "long run," I mean a few years. For now, as tal said, learn from this.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Lesson 1-Your actions have consequenses

Lesson 2- She gave you fair warning and you did it anyway.

Lesson 3-You let your little head rule your life

Lesson 4-You asked the wrong person for advice

Lesson 5-You were dishonest to your g/f

lesson 6-You were dishonest with yourself

lesson 7-Lack of caring for someone besides yourself

Unless you learn these lessons and make changes, you will repeat them again with the same results.

You fix it by learning these life lessons and not repeating them with someone else. Now move on and don't sit on the pity pot dwelling on it.

No, you can't, besides a heartfelt apololgy, and leaving her alone. If you don't know how she feels, think about it by putting yourself in her shoes, and imaging how you would feel if you were done that way, by someone you cared about.

I already said I learned all that, I know how I screwed up, I had a lot of time to think about it all. Sorry but when I said if I went to her she woul dump me, I meant if I had gone to about my past problems she would have dumped me. And I fee like scum BECAUSE I know how bad I hurt her. And as I said I'm prettY much done with dating, I isn't riskin anymore mistakes like that as I was told Ill screw up worse then that, Thanks anyway though.

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Originally Posted by Darkeclipse2

I allready said I learned all that, I know how I screwed up, I had alot of time to think about it all. Sorry but when I said if i went to her she woul dump me, i ment if i had gone to about my past problems she would have dumped me. And I fee like scum BECAUSE I know how bad I hurt her. Thanks anyway though.

That's confusing what specifically do you mean??

It's done now, and you can't go back and change it. She's hurt and wants to move on. Let her. And move on yourself. The only way you can better this situation is by learning from it.

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And I fee like scum BECAUSE I know how bad I hurt her.

Forgive yourself, and never do that to another human.

If you say you learned all those things, then don't implement what you've learned, then perhaps what you really learned is you CAN'T do those things? Is that what you mean when you say you're not going to date again? You can't do better?

That may be true, and I commend honest self-evaulation, but the only way you GET better is to implement what you learn INTO your life. It's not a mental exercise, you have to LIVE this stuff. So you're going to have to try and do better in real life at some point. Giving up on dating is no permanent solution. OK?

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Originally Posted by Darkeclipse2

I allready said I learned all that, I know how I screwed up, I had alot of time to think about it all. Sorry but when I said if i went to her she woul dump me, i ment if i had gone to about my past problems she would have dumped me. And I fee like scum BECAUSE I know how bad I hurt her. And as I said im prettY much done with dating, I aint riskin anymore mistakes like that as I was told Ill screw up worse then that, Thanks anyway though.

No you haven't had a lot of time to think about it. 3 weeks? Seriously! A lot of time is months, not a few weeks because you want her to think you've changed. And then going to your EX girlfriend for advice on how to get over your feelings, yea that was stupid. Followed by, now insulting your ex for a mistake YOU made.

The advice I give to you for the next relationship you're in that your partner does not wish to have sex with you, or anyone, is to download some porn or something. It may seems disgusting but I would much rather have my relationship with a girl that I claim to be in love with rather than sleep with my ex instead of my present girlfriend

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

No you haven't had a lot of time to think about it. 3 weeks? Seriously! A lot of time is months, not a few weeks because you want her to think you've changed. And then going to your EX girlfriend for advice on how to get over your feelings, yea that was stupid. Followed by, now insulting your ex for a mistake YOU made.

The advice I give to you for the next relationship you're in that your partner does not wish to have sex with you, or anyone, is to download some porn or something. It may seems disgusting but I would much rather have my relationship with a girl that I claim to be in love with rather than sleep with my ex instead of my present girlfriend

OK look there is some confusion here. Me and my ex were still friends when I asked her for advice that's screwed me over now. I thought she was trying to be a real friend but she wasn't, and believed she was. And I said before I cut all ties with her, were not talking anymore I don't have anyone to go to for help which is why Im spillin my guts on a website with random people. I already said I'm not looking for forgiveness from her, I just want to know what am I suppose to do and am I a horrible person for this? EVERYONE PLEASE READ MY QUESTION TWICE, PLEASE IT WOULD HELP A lot.

[QUOTE=JBeaucaire]If you say you learned all those things, then don't implement what you've learned, then perhaps what you really learned is you CAN'T do those things? Is that what you mean when you say you're not going to date again? You can't do better?

I said I'm done with dating because well yea I won't find anyone else like her. I talked to my teacher (whos a women) and she told me I'm going to screw up A lot in my life, and go through many relationships in which I would mess up. I don't see the point of running around screwin up and hurting people in more ways then I know of now. Ill never repeat this mistake, but I can't handle risking getting more people hurt especially when I don't know how I would do it. Im well aware things are suppose to be different in college but right now I don't want to risk it.I need to know am I a horrible person for this?? No one has answered that for me.Thanks anyway.

No, you're not a horrible person. What you did was horrible, but that doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make sense for you to give up on dating either. If you said that you have realized your mistakes then when you meet someone else - remember what you learned from this relationship. You won't always be the one to screw up. Besides, relationships come and go. That's just a part of life, and it helps you learn how to handle future relationships. I know you are hurt, but leave the girl alone and give her time. If she wants to forgive you and be your friend, then that is her decision and you can not force her to make it. As bad as you are hurting, she is hurting too. Maybe things will work out for you, but you can't force things to work out the way you want them to.

The good news:

This is part of life.

Learning that actions have consequences.

I trust you are young. The next girlfriend you will not make the same mistake and you will both be happier.

Trying to get back with this girl is not in the cards. Even if you repair it the hurt is PERMANENT. So, start anew and be happy you were not married.

A divorce is expensive!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Forgive yourself, and never do that to another human.

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I need to know am I a horrible person for this?? No one has answered that for me.Thanks anyway.

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just want to know what am I suppose to do and am I a horrible person for this?

Life is so simple, so why make it harder, you made a mistake, you paid for it and your sorry, so no need for this pity party, just get over it.

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Ok I'm the guy who cheated on his girlfriend and yo told him to stop the pity party and get over it. Ok well I still feel like scum and all I get from anybody is get over it. Well you're a relationship expert right? So may you please tell me just how the am I suppose to do that?? How is someone in my situation suppose who hurt someone he really cares about just get over it??

Its not hard, you just have to forgive yourself and strive to do better. That involves changing your behavior. Don't cheat.

First off, you have to want to change and be willing to work at it.

We all make mistakes, but we learn from them, or repeat those mistakes until we do learn, so don't dwell on the mistake, take the lesson learned, and apply it as you move forward in your life. It may also help to make a plan as to how to proceed.

I think the problem your having is that you think too much about the mistake you made, and not enough of the lesson you learned, now forgive yourself.

Hope this helps.

T

I could not email you, so I posted it here. Enough of this self punishment, move ahead, and be ready for what life brings you.

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I got the lesson and if you don't believe me I can tell you right now what I learned, but I don't know its like yea I know what I gotta do to move on but the guilt wont go away because I know I hurt her, then I get mad at myself. I haven't spoken to her in weeks (partly because she went away on vacation) so I have no clue how she is doing, and I don't know if she could ever forgive me, because I know I hurt her more then anybody else in her life so far.
hasEML = false;

Stop dwelling on the actions of your past and focus on what your doing now and what you want to do. Know that you're the one dragging this out and its up to you to stop. Now get busy rebuilding your life the right way and let time heal you.

Glad you have learned from your mistake and given time and work, you will be okay. Do not contact her, just leave it be.

Its better to post here on the public forum, rather than by email as it will bring more responses and make this whole process easier.