Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

What should I do?

I'm living with a woman whom I used to be engaged to. We've done a lot of fighting from the start because her behavior was sort of shady. I never really felt like I was getting the whole truth. I never actually caught her doing any thing but I was suspicious. We got into a big fight 2 weeks ago and she moved into spare bedroom. She basically acts like she hates me now. She won't talk to me and tries to do every thing she can to be mean and hurtful now. This really bugs me because just a month ago we were in love and going to get married. I really love her and want to reconsile but she says its over.I'm just stunned at how easily she can throw it all away! I think she's seeing someone but she won't admit to it. What should I do to try and get her back? How she just stop loving me basically over night?

You shouldn't try and get her back. She sounds like a very selfish mean-spirited person. You should kick her out. Who's house/apartment is this? Who's on the lease? The two of you living together is not a good idea. Especially if she is seeing other people.

You can't really "get someone back"... a relationship takes two people. If she's acting like she hates you, and is with someone else, well... there's a fairly good chance that it's over.

As chi said, time to move on.

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Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

You shouldn't try and get her back. She sounds like a very selfish mean-spirited person. You should kick her out. Who's house/apartment is this? Who's on the lease? The two of you living together is not a good idea. Especially if she is seeing other people.

What I meant in Yoda's quote, and by fear, I mean, don't let your fear of being alone or losing her, stop you from living your life. It's yours, do as you wish, but be true to yourself.

Peace be with you.

Nestorian--why exactly are you disagreeing with me? And what are you disagreeing about?

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Originally Posted by xaque

I'm living with a woman whom I used to be engaged to. We've done a lot of fighting from the start bc her behavior was sort of shady. I never really felt like I was getting the whole truth. I never actually caught her doing any thing but I was suspicious. We got into a big fight 2 weeks ago and she moved into spare bedroom. She basically acts like she hates me now. She won't talk to me and tries to do every thing she can to be mean and hurtful now.

This certainly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship , if you can't trust her why would you want to be with her??

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Originally Posted by xaque

This really bugs me bc just a month ago we were in love and going to get married. I really love her and want to reconsile but she says its over.?

She asked you to give her space so that's the best thing to do , by begging and pleading with her to stay you are only going to push her further away.

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Originally Posted by xaque

I'm just stunned at how easily she can throw it all away! I think she's seeing someone but she won't admit to it. What should I do to try and get her back? How she just stop loving me basically over nite?

She hasn't just stop loving you overnight. Dumpers have thought about their actions long before they actually carry them out , therefore they have already prepared themselves emotionally. That's why it seems so easy for her to just throw it all away while you are still at the beginning of your grieving.

Do as she asks and give her her space. Read all the material on this forum to get some good insight as to what others are going through , you are not alone.

I wish you luck , it's hard but you just need to learn from this and move on.

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Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

Nestorian--why exactly are you disagreeing with me? And what are you disagreeing about?

"You shouldn't try and get her back...You should kick her out." - not to seem argumentive, but really there is no should or shouldn't, because for all we know he could kick her out and find himself alone and choking on something, and dying. (I know this is a long shot. And isn't really relevant. However it's a possibility.) Or he could find himself with her and tormented to the point of destructive depression. Who knows what is to be, there for how can we say what should or should not happen. He has to decide for himself, does he want to keep her there, and deal with the pain, or does he kick her out, or should he talk to her and try to work things out. (by work things out, I mean get her to leave with out telling her off.)

"She sounds like a very selfish mean-spirited person." I realise the Key word is "sounds", but we all know looks can be deceiving, here is the fear part. Perhaps she is afraid of something, something we don't know of, and that is driving her to be difficult, and angry. I"m not saying let her do as she pleases, but don't start saying she seems one way or another, ask her why she does what she does, be very specific, and dont' put labels on things, like mean, or things like that. We all feel afraid and insecure, just some deal with it better then others.

"Who's house/apartment is this? Who's on the lease? The two of you living together is not a good idea. Especially if she is seeing other people." Again, fear may play a role here, tread carefully, for the dark side of human behavior is very seductive. Just because it's his place doesnt' mean he should just say, "get out" Maybe try some understanding, compassion, and try to get her to understand your side of the story, and that you are uncomfortable with it. NO?? Tell me if you dissagree, I really do and do not agree with you, becuse there is no set path, no real answer, only the path you choose to follow. Weather it is right or wrong, no one knows, i mean there are infanite possibilities, variables and complexities to the situation, so much so that we can not fathom it. So try to take a deep breath and just know that no matter how good or bad it is, 'This too will soo pass."

Now I don't expect that will make you feel any better, but hopefully it will let you realize that there is more to life then what we see.

Momma, I'm sorry I kind of switched to whome I was talking to there,but I'm a little tired, and I am only just starting to train in focus. Please forgive me.

JUst out of curiosity, momma, how do you believe this site is to be used?

Did I miss some follow-up information somewhere? This post had a very short amount of info and we saw some "kick her out" bandwagon pretty fast. I don't get that.

He admits he's a jealous type, they had a fight, living together (dumb, another debate though) means she can at best retreat to the other side of the house while they work this through. He wants help working it through.

Ok, that being the original question, I'll bite. If you were wrong in the fight (us guys usually are, it's pretty irritating), if you were wrong, apologize. Don't explain, don't promise anything different yet, don't try to convince her, TELL HER YOU ARE SORRY for your part and ask her to forgive you. Stop there, stay on that point until she forgives you.

Once you two are past that, you can talk again. The promises you DO make, the "being better" you do want to accomplish comes in the calm aftermath, not in the middle of the fight nor the an apology.

You get her back (if it's going to happen) by being sincere and patient. Take the time necessary for her to hear your sincere-felt apology and accept it.

BTW, I know she may be at fault in the argument, too. So what? If you're going to ever get married, you'll need to learn this part. She has to "be sorry" for her part on her own. You can't talk her into it, can't help her "see the light". But you CAN demonstrate a humble heart and let her see you don't find apologizing to be a "loss" when it's an apology to her. She's more important to you than winning.

Maybe she'll get it. Maybe not. You have to get it, either way.

So, you gave me the reddie because I said that he SHOULD kick her out, and there really is no "should" or "shouldn't"? I disagree. Especially since the OP asked "What SHOULD I do to win her back?" This has nothing to do with him living alone and something happening to him, just because she isn't there doesn't mean that he should be or is alone.

Well since I don't know what this person feels, I can only assume based on the information given what she sounds like. This also is not factually incorrect.

I understand that you think there is more than one answer to this young man's question, and there mostly likely is, that does not mean that mine was incorrect. I suggest that you don't DISAGREE with other people's answers, and instead just present your own, and see how the OP responds to that.

This site is to be used for information, questions, answers and advice. But further more great friendships can be found here, I have met some people here who I consider good friends. That's not what I said to you, I said you should learn to use the reputation function correctly. Giving someone a red reputation point means that something they said was factually incorrect, my statement was not. You can disagree with what I said, and that is fine. And in fact, I prefer it, everyone needs more than one option and opinion. But you gave me a "reddie" which indicates to me and others that you found what I said FACTUALLY incorrect, instead of simply disagreeing with it. That is where you used the function incorrectly.

Thanks 4 your support guys. We r stuck here together because she won't leave and I can't afford to right now. Lease is up in sept.

Who's on the lease though. If you are on the lease, and she is not you can give her an eviction notice.

Let the emotional dust settle and see if you can talk and work through your issues. If not someone has to go!

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Originally Posted by xaque

I think she's seeing someone but she won't admit to it.

I really think you need to resolve this issue with her first before anything else. If you don't trust her then it won't work either way.

Only ANSWER the question on this page here. Do NOT ASK a question.

You are NOT logged in.

We r both on the lease. It almost seems as if she's putting on a show. She just came home took shower and left without saying a word

May I suggest, then, trying to just ignore her?

I've been in a similar situation (to a lesser degree) as my girlfriend and I lived together for a year, then about 8 months into the lease, we broke up. She moved into my office (MY OFFICE!! ) and we basically lived like strangers. After constantly trying to talk to her and whatnot, I just gave up, and that's when she started being nicer. At the end of the lease, we eventually went separate ways but it made the last couple of months at least bearable.

Apologies, calmly repeated if needed, do wonders for reopening communication.

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She just came home took shower and left without saying a word

So much for diplomacy.

I got to agree with Talaniman there. I would have given a greenie, but it wouldn't let me.

What's a greenie?