Ask Me Help Desk - Dating someone from a different race.

I guess its none of my business. People can do whatever they want say whatever they want, as long as they aren't intentionally inflicting pain on others, it doesn't matter.

Racism does come in all colors. Is your sister really into this guy, or into upsetting your family with a burst of independence ?

If she really loves him, tell her good bye. It's obvious that she must leave with him and estrange herself from your family.

She certainly is not the first or the last to have chosen her mate for love over her family. It may be hard, but it can be done.

I wish her well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1985

My sister is dating an African American who is half black and half white. He was my friend before she started to date him. I liked him as a friend. He is smart, kind, considerate and likes to date Asians. They have been dating for about 1.5 years and she seems to be pretty serious about him (she said he was the first boyfriend she actually considers she'll marry)

She knew that dating him would cause a rift in the family (we are relatively conservative Asians) she knew my parents wouldn't accept it and our family (uncles aunts, etc) wouldn't like it.

I understand that everyone has the right to love who they want to, life your life and not care about what others think (hard to do) but she went into the relationship KNOWING it would cause problems.

I parents think he's nice and know skin is only a color, but its will be difficult for Asians that we know to accept it.

In addition, my sis (i may sound like a horrible person) is a person who is likely to get married more that once. We don't want her children to be mess up if her marries a black guy and another guy (white or asian or anything)

Was she being selfish, or are my parents and I the selfish ones?

It's not a question of being selfish, it's a question of being open and stepping outside of what you are comfortable with. Not always an easy thing to do, especially for older generations. Change always has to start somewhere... perhaps this will be the catalyst for change in the way your family thinks about relationships of mixed races. Would they feel the same if the young man was white or hispanic?
Whether your sister stayed married... if it even gets to that point... is only a guess on your part. Kids are far more resilient than adults and tend to take things in stride... but a big factor is how they are raised (Hence why families tend to share the same points of view). A bit jumping the gun to speculate about the possibilities, but IF there was a marriage, and IF it ended in divorce... the kids won't take issue with it if the adults around them don't.
If he is good to her, and they get along well, share some common interests, support each other, he is there for her in times of need along with the good times, they truly love and respect each other... what more could you ask for? The color of his skin won't change those things.

I would say I am amazed and shocked, he was a great person to have as your friend, but when he now may marry your sister, he is not good enough because of his color, this is being the worst type of racist, one that pretends to be something on the outside but when it comes to making that harder choices, their racism shows up.

This is your sisters life, not yours, and her choice not yours. She knows it may cause trouble and does not care. If this man was really your friend, you would be supporting him and your sister. Things like this disgust me.

I guess its none of my business.

Quote:

Was she being selfish, or are my parents and I the selfish ones?

Where I understand your concerns, its none of your business who she dates, or goes out with, and you will have to deal with her choice no matter what he looks like. Do so with love and care, and let the rest of the world mind their own business.
We all make a choice to spread love, or spread hatred, which will you choose?

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1985

My sister is dating an African American who is half black and half white. He was my friend before she started to date him. I liked him as a friend. He is smart, kind, considerate and likes to date Asians. They have been dating for about 1.5 years and she seems to be pretty serious about him (she said he was the first boyfriend she actually considers she'll marry)

She knew that dating him would cause a rift in the family (we are relatively conservative Asians) she knew my parents wouldn't accept it and our family (uncles aunts, etc) wouldn't like it.

I understand that everyone has the right to love who they want to, life your life and not care about what others think (hard to do) but she went into the relationship KNOWING it would cause problems.

I parents think he's nice and know skin is only a color, but its will be difficult for Asians that we know to accept it.

In addition, my sis (i may sound like a horrible person) is a person who is likely to get married more that once. We don't want her children to be mess up if her marries a black guy and another guy (white or asian or anything)

Was she being selfish, or are my parents and I the selfish ones?

Why is your sister likely to be married more than once? I don't understand the not wanting her children to be mess(ed) up if she marries a black guy and another guy - how does that mess up her children?

On one hand you say skin is only a color and your parents know that; on the other hand, they won't accept this relationship. I don't understand why you have a problem with this relationship - you seem to be saying two different things and, yes, it does sound racist.

I don't like bigotry in any form - I married outside my religion and I've heard it all - but covert bigotry ("I'm not racist, I don't hate other religions but ...) kind of stuff is offensive and you are being dishonest with yourself.

I think you also have to look deep within yourself to see how your disapproval of your sister's relationship is tied into your problem meeting "someone special" for over 7 years, something you have posted and questioned. Are you envious of her happiness?

All you can really do is just tell her your ideas, if you're stubborn she'll just date him out of spite, but if you show like you don't care, she can just let go and accidentally get pregnant. I dated a white guy and I'm hispanic, his mother had a fit and called me very bad names... and I believe he dated me out of spite. You can't help who you love. You just have to tell your family, that times have changed, and you're going to see more mixed relationships, and mixed children. It happens.. . I just thought of something, is it possible that you have feelings for him and wouldn't want your sister to be with him? I read how you said he was too good for her, and it clicked I guess. Good luck with your family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tami1985

We don't hate him, and I wouldn't call it racism, because racism to me implies hatred or intolerance of another race or other races. We just pre-judge (prejudice) because of how he looks and the looks we will get from people

Honey YOU of all people are being Racist!
This clearly is a race issue and not prejudice because you are past the point of pre-judging---you know the guy and even say that you dont think your sister is good enough for him so you are indeed being racist.

And if you think being prejudice is better, you are sadly mistaken!

I don't think my sister is too good for him, I actually think he is too good for her. He does well in his academics, extremely smart, good writer, he knows how to present himself, and knows so such about the world. I don't know what they talk about because my sister really doesn't have any of those qualities. She focuses on simpler things in life, body, make-up, clothes. Another reason why I don't think that match.

To answer your question you and your family are being selfish and ignorant.