Ask Me Help Desk - Confusion with break up

Ok, I was dating this girl for 3.5 years and after 8 months she moved into my house. A house that I bought and needed a lot of work, and she helped me do a lot of the work. We had a great relationship, she loved me very, very much but I used to get upset because I felt she was a little too needy and over emotional and never wanted to understand that I had stresses in my life (at the time) that took away from being able to go out a lot or do other things young couples do. (working on the house, starting a business) Still, she was very into me and wanted me to marry her and start a family. I was not ready and over time it got her upset more and more. Then about 6 months before we broke up she started to feel like she was pushing me to do something I did not want to do and our relationship had become a bit dull. She started going out a lot with her married friends and started getting more attention from more people. Still she kept trying to make things work, but she wanted me to give her everything she needed, without any compromise in return from her. (things I needed) So we started to drift apart a bit. We still did some things together, but the spark was gone.

About two months before our break up I started giving her more and more attention. Loving her more and she was genuinly happier with everything, but she was confused because she was building such a shell up to how the relationship was going prior, that she said it was difficult for her to look at me as that person. Still, she told her family and friends that she loved what I was doing. All in all, things started to fall apart.

She said that she felt like she needed to be able to fend for herself because all this time she was all about me, and never about her. She was frustrated about working in the same job for 8 years with no advancement, she failed a couple classes and started to feel like she needed to be independent.

So she said she needs to go and said that she loves me to death, but needed to refresh herself so that she can start thinking about an "us" again.

A week before she left we were looking at engagement rings and she was texting me telling me how fer friend was just asked to be married.

Then we decided that she was actually going, I kind of took that last week and told her EVERYTHING that I could do for her, but I know it kind of was desperate.

So she moved EVERYTHING out of my house and temporarily into her parents, then into her parents other house. So she is on her own for the first time. Her parents and friends say she needs time to realize what she had, and miss me, but I am not so sure of what to do.

It has been 20 days. She is already in her new house, and her myspace profile says things that are intentionally to make me jealous. Now all I did was write her a thank you card saying this was a great thing and I never would have realized how much I love her more since she left, so thank you. Then I followed up with a handwritten letter explaining what I would be willing to compromise, but told her I would not take her back unless she also was able to compromise with me. And after that I have not bugged her at all.

My question finally is: What should I do if I want her back? And why would she show me engagement rings a week before she left AND why would she be trying so hard to make me jealous and notice her. She is taking pictures with other guys and having fun, etc. but this is just turning me off. What should I do

Leave her alone, and stop looking at her online, and her pictures. Leave her so completely alone, it's a shame to want someone back so bad you get manipulated. Enough of these games.

Your best course is to give yourself some time to let the emotional dust settle, and think with a clear head.

I just dealt with a needy relationship myself. From a women's point of view, she is probably trying to see your reaction to the things she is doing. She's trying too hard to prove that she is independent. Maybe you should go out with some friends or do some things to get your mind off this situation with her for a while and see what happens.

I think you writing those letters was the best thing to do. You wrote how you felt and what you wanted. She is just confused right now. She doesn't know what is wants, who she wants, her self identity as guess.

Give her some space and don't look are her myspace. But at the same time show and tell her how you feel about her and want you want to do with the relationship to show her that you still want to be with her. Just don't smother her.

Ok, I understand about showing my feelings and letting it ride. I feel that I bascially said everything I could say and then backed off to regroup ith myself. I also said to her, that I really could not take her back unless she tried to compromise with me as well. I am still confused as to why she would take a half hour to show me engagement rings a week before we split. She really does want a family, but what should I really do? Just sit back and let the ball n her court and play it safe? I am already getting out there, and working out a lot and doing more business because I figure if we do get back together then it will be truly different. Some of her friends took my side on everything and told me to chill and wait. What should I relly do in order to get her to look at me again without being over emotional or weak? Because I am not, I stood my ground on my needs. Should I think that if she can't respect my personal needs enough that I should just move on? Should I be worried that she is trying to make me jealous with other guys? I mean, she is truly doing things that she KNOWS would irritate me.

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I also said to her, that I really could not take her back unless she tried to compromise with me as well.

You made your stand, and a good one, now stick to it.

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Should I think that if she can't respect my personal needs enough that I should just move on?
Dead on the button.
Should I be worried that she is trying to make me jealous with other guys?
Never, thats a game you don't need to play
I mean, she is truly doing things that she KNOWS would irritate me.
Ignore them!!! Don't play her games, and don't acknowledge them either. Do not contact her at all. Disappear from her life. This is for you to get some clear thoughts going, and not be manipulated, or tempted by your feelings at this time. Despite what you wrote anyone here can tell you to take more time for yourself. That will give you a chance to make good decisions for yourself without the games and intense feelings, You need to see things for what they are.

Ok, good advice. For the most part I am starting to do all of those things. It has been 20 days since we split and I am feeling really good right now. It is just that I know she is a good person aside from her issues. Her family is great, and she and I share the same ideals. The deal is, I want her back, but not like it was before. I basically let her know exactly how I feel and even right up until the day she left, she hung no every word I said. Is there a way psychologically I can get her to want me again WITHOUT playing games? I mean, I already have gotten back to my six pack shape, I already moved forward with other items, I already showed her what I can offer (providing she compromises as well). One of the things I am up against is her nonsense friends who never held a decent relationship in their lives in her ear. Her mom said that she needs to be down and struggle before she can understand me on my level and she needs time to miss me. Ok, here is a question- after we broke up, all of my friends, her friends and family said she was extremely sad because it was not something she wanted to do. She wanted to work it out, but I guess needed a refreshment... as did I. I want to work back into her heart before it is way too late. Should I just sit back for a few weeks and let her contact me since I already expresed myself thoroughly and with confidence? Another thing is that since we were both fixing this house up (that I own) the house kind of tore us apart because we both became a little boring for our age. (me 27, her 25). I know there is no way she will move back to the house and when she left she moved EVERYTHING that was hers out. I think one of the ways for me to compromise if we did get back together (and worked out our issues enough for us to want to get married) is to unload this house and get something together that we own together. She said she never felt right because she never owned a piece of my house, but helped me out so much. By the way, thanks for reading this and responding. It is nice to know people take the time to help other people.

Stick to your guns, and enjoy your life without her, as she is the one to have to figure things out, not you. Let her, without pressure from you. It may be days... weeks... months... never!!

You can't put your life, and dreams, on hold for her.

Thank you. It is weird, I hear of some people who have months, and years of depression and no closure, but I feel great even after 20 days. I guess that comes from confidence, knowing what I want and don't want, and the sense to understand that I have a business to run. Also, I stopped putting her on a pedastool and realized I was also unhappy with the lack of compromise. I mean, I love her to death, but I told her that the excitement of getting to know someone, only lasts until you get to know them. Then you have your foundation of love and respect, but communication and compromise keeps to relationship alive. Well, that and the ability to keep each other lusting for the other. And if she does come to her senses and comes at me with something that will hit my conscious, and I actually take her back then I need to be on top of my game by not letting this setback hold me down from progression.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

OK, I have a new problem with this. Last night my ex girlfriend looked at my myspace page and saw some things that shows I am moving on. She wrote me a VERY nasty email taking blow after blow to me. I wrote her a nice text message telling her things will be okay, we are both movng on and she needs to let it be. She is the one that broke up with me. She said she tried to give me uncondtional love, but I told her obviously her love WAS conditional.

I think it all stemmed from me sending her a very NICE email earlier that had a article attached about communication and compromise. I told her there were many things I was guilty of, and some she was and that whenever she gets a chance to read it because it was a good article.

BUT, in her response back to me she blamed EVERYTHNG on me.

Why is she being to hateful?

She's being hateful because you attacked her. Your "polite" email to her was a passive aggressive attack. Passive aggression is a gentle and calm method of infuriating someone, and you did that with your email.

In short, you pissed her off with you're unsolicited "nice" email suggesting she learn to communicate better. Not a good idea, dude. Seriously.

So, stop acting innocent. You brought THIS onslaught onto your own head.

This is simple: communicate with her in any way, and she will punish you. It is your choice.

And BTW, you have to open and read emails/text messages from her to be hurt by them. Consider NOT doing that. Most places (facebook,cellphones, email) allow you to filter out info from specific contacts and delete them without ever seeing them.

Ok, but I bascially sent it admitting mistakes and just trying to show her I understand things. I asked her many times for us to both take a step back and listen to each other. Ok, so I undeerstand how the nice email might have set her off from your perspective, but I was careful not to attack her in any way. She came at me with a vengeance. And I just responded nicely because I did not think it was appropriate to add more fuel to the fire with harsh words. I did this because if we ever to get back together again, then I did not think it was right to attack her. It has only been about 25 days since our break up after being together 4 years. Ithink my best course right now is to leave her alone. Is she angry with me because she still cares?

Your actions are the DEFINITION of passive aggression. Back off and stop being so "nice"... it's pissing her off because she's completely suspicious of it. And she should be, she isn't interested in reconciling with you.

Leave her alone. She's angry because you're trying to give her "help" she doesn't want from you.

Only 25 days? Well, no wonder you keep reaching out, you're nowhere near ready to move on. This is going to take time, it just will.

You said you think your best course is to leave her alone. You are right. Can you do that?

Listen, I am more ready to move on than you would think. I do love her, and she felt I did not give her any attention, so I did a few small things to let her know how I feel and that I care, and then I tried to back off. Even right now, I feel happy to back off because she needs to get over certain things. Okay, so what I did was the definition of being passive aggressive. I did not intend it that way, nor am I going to continue withit. I heed good advice. Bottom line is I have a business to run, and responsibility that she did not have, so I am not letting it get in the way. The overall goal for me is to refresh myself, let her do the same and then see if we can be stronger than ever in the future. It is not totally about her taking me back, it is about me taking her back too. Her unwillingness to compromise or communicate is the only problem that brought us to where we are today. The whole thing is, I think we both love each other to death. I wrote he a thank you card telling her I appreciate the break up and that I never would have realized how much I loved her without it. Then I told her to be strong and everything will be okay. Okay, so besides from not contacting her period and me getting my things straight... what can I do to get back to her heart, and try to let her know what my needs are as well? Her friends think one day she will wake up and see what is going on, but for now she is just blind to everything and not lettng herself mourn.

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Why is she being to hateful?

Because you keep pushing her buttons, when you should have just left it alone. What part of No Contact is hard to understand?

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Okay, so besides from not contacting her period and me getting my things straight... what can I do to get back to her heart,

Absolutely nothing, no contact doesn't bring them back. They must come on there own.

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and try to let her know what my needs are as well?

That will go over like a bag of rocks given she can't stand you.

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Her friends think one day she will wake up and see what is going on, but for now she is just blind to everything and not letting herself mourn.

That's just great, do what HER friends say and see where you end up!

Whatever happened to leave her alone, and move on??